The Family Business

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 22 of BABY HEISTER, teenage heister Kelsey Hazard and the gang high-tail it to the airport, where Doc reveals their escape plan, and where he plans to hole up ... at a safe house he has in downtown LA. Meanwhile, Jo Hazard drives the hearse with Doc's life savings in a casket in the back, but when she gets stopped by a cop, things take a deadly turn ...


INT. CRIME SCENE TRUCK - MOVING - DAY
Kelsey drives. Doc chats
with Reno and Dusty in the back.

DOC
We’ll do the split on the plane.
When we get to LAX,
you can do whatever you want.

DUSTY
I dunno.
Won’t they be watching the airports?

RENO
Yeah. That place ain’t gonna be safe.

DUSTY
(to Doc)
Where you gonna go?

DOC
I’ve got a limo waiting on the tarmac.
Straight shot out of the airport.

RENO
Where’s it gonna take you?

DOC
A safe house downtown.

RENO
Well, fuck.
Can we come with you?
Perfect place to lie low for a bit.

Doc stares off into space. Thinking.

DUSTY
Whattaya say, Doc.
It’s only for a couple of days
till the heat dies down.

DOC
(looks at him)
Yeah, sure. Sorry.
Still upset about losing that farm.
My whole life, that’s all I ever wanted.

KELSEY
What about Jo?

DOC
She’s driving the stash
directly over to the loft.

DUSTY
If you don’t mind me askin,’
how much is it?

DOC
Forty years worth of heisting?
(pause for effect)
Little over twenty million.

Reno whistles.

KELSEY
Isn’t that kinda dangerous?
Traveling with that much scratch?

DOC
Not when it’s in a casket.

EXT. FREEWAY - DAY
The hearse heads west toward
Los Angeles in sparse traffic.

INT. HEARSE - MOVING - DAY
Country music on the radio.
Jo sits behind the wheel, driving.
Now wearing a chauffeur's cap
and aviator shades.

She looks in the rear view mirror.
Sees something.

JO
Shit, shit, shit.

BEHIND HER
Is a Highway Patrol car.
Lights FLASHING.

JO
Pulls over to the side of the road.
Pulls out a HANDGUN.

THE PATROL CAR
Pulls up behind her.

An ANGRY-LOOKING STATE TROOPER gets out.
Ambles over to the driver’s-side window.
It SLIDES down.

IN THE HEARSE
Jo looks at the trooper. Smiles.

JO
Good day, officer.
Was I going too fast?

ANGRY-LOOKING STATE TROOPER
Your tag’s expired.
License, registration and insurance, please.

She pulls out a wallet.
Starts handing documents to him.

JO
I’m so sorry.
I’ll get that taken care of right away.
(points at the registration)
The car is in my husband’s name.
We own the funeral home.

ANGRY-LOOKING STATE TROOPER
Since when does the owner of a funeral home
drive the hearse themselves?

JO
When you’re a small family business,
everybody has to pitch in.

ANGRY-LOOKING STATE TROOPER
Would you please step out of the vehicle?
I’d like to see what’s in the casket.

JO
I’m sorry, officer.
It’s sealed. I can’t open it.

ANGRY-LOOKING STATE TROOPER
Step out of the vehicle NOW.

JO
Okay, I’m sorry.

She slowly opens the door.
Grabs the gun. WHIPS IT UP.

SHOOTS him. BANG. BANG. BANG.
He CLUTCHES his chest.

Stares at her in shock.
Falls over, HITS the pavement, THWUMP.

JO
That’s what you get
for disrespecting your elders.