What Is This, Austin Powers?

Hey there, crime kids. Happy FRIDAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 30 of NOWHERE GIRL, long-sisters Cherry Nation and April Street confront evil criminal mastermind Sledge Crafton in is top-secret headquarters, and fall into his evil clutches ...


INT. CAPITOL RECORDS BUILDING - ELEVATOR - NIGHT
April and Cherry arrive at the top floor.
The doors OPEN. They walk out into the corridor.

A LARGE METAL DOOR faces them. No name. No number.
Just a small lit button on a silver panel.

April pulls out her Sig Sauer. Raises it.

APRIL
Ready?

Cherry pulls out her Glock.

CHERRY
Let’s do it.

April presses the button.
The door SLIDES OPEN.

INT. INTELLIGENCE OFFICE - LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
They walk into the lobby.
We now see that Donner’s desk
is in a bullet-proof glass cubicle
in a corner of the room.

CHERRY
What is this, Austin Powers?

APRIL
He always had a flair for the dramatic.

Donner’s voice comes over hidden speakers.

DONNER
Ladies, glad you could join us.
Mr. Crafton has been expecting you.

April walks over the cubicle.
Stares down Donner.

APRIL
Well, isn’t that a coincidence.

A steel door SLIDES OPENS in the wall.

DONNER
Right through that door, please.
He’ll be right with you.

The girls look at the open doorway suspiciously.

APRIL
How do we know this isn’t a trap?

CHERRY
Cover me, and I’ll go take a look.

APRIL
Okay.

Cherry walks over to the doorway.
Stops. Looks in.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Steel walls. A table with chairs.
Glass window. Shades drawn.

CHERRY
Turns her head.

CHERRY
Looks fine to me.

April marches over, and they walk in.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The door behind them SLAMS shut with a BANG.

APRIL
I KNEW it.
(looks around)
CRAFTON. Show yourself!

The window shade SLIDES UP.
Behind it stands Crafton.

SLEDGE
Ladies.

APRIL
What’s the big idea?
You can’t keep us locked up in here.
People know where we are.

SLEDGE
I’m afraid not. They’re all dead.

APRIL
Then what do you want from us?

SLEDGE
That, my dear,
is the question of the hour.
Please have a seat.
I’ve got a story to tell you.

The girls sit.

SLEDGE
In the early eighties,
I was missing in action in Nicaragua --
and during this period of time
my CRAZY BITCH of a wife put our
lovely two daughters up for adoption --
after she ran off to the UK with a rock star.
(beat)
Those were heady times.
It was pre-AIDS, ecstacy was legal --

APRIL
What’s with the life story?
Get to the fucking POINT.

SLEDGE
The point?
You want me to GET TO THE POINT?
(beat)
Well, like I SAID -- my wife put our
lovely young daughters up for adoption.
Such a sad fate for two little
four-year-old girls.
How tragic would it be
if they were separated?

April and Cherry exchange glances.
What the fuck?

SLEDGE
You know the rest of the story --
because you’ve LIVED it.
(beat)
That’s right -- I’m your FATHER.
I scoured the globe for years tracking you down.
Of course I was incredibly happy to discover
that my little April had become an agent for Interpol.
That little apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.
But, however, I was dismayed to discover that my
little Abby had changed her name to CHERRY,
and had become a PORN STAR and then a STRIPPER.
To say I was disappointed would be an understatement.
(beat)
Then I decided to find a way in which I could
get you two back together -- in my loving arms.
(beat)
This whole thing has been A TEST.
A MILITARY EXERCISE.
And you both passed --
with FLYING COLORS.
(to April)
I had a hunch -- and I was right --
that if you took Abby under your wing,
she’d grow some balls.

CHERRY
My name is CHERRY, not Abby.

APRIL
You fucking SLEPT with me, you -- MONSTER.

SLEDGE
A momentary lapse, I’m afraid.
(beat)
You ARE the spitting image of your mother.

April LEAPS up. SLAPS the window.

APRIL
What THE FUCK do you want from us?

SLEDGE
(strange smile)
What any father wants
from his darling daughters.
I’ve created a nice little empire, you know.
I’d like you to come work with me --
and live with me.
(beat)
Imagine the possibilities.
(low)
Come to Poppa.

April POUNDS on the window.
Cherry watches, in shock.

APRIL
You’re the most depraved
human being I’ve ever MET.
We wouldn’t work for you if
you were the last person ON EARTH.
(beat)
Daddy.

CHERRY
YEAH. So why don’t you go
FUCK YOURSELF and DIE.

Crafton shakes his head slowly.

SLEDGE
I was hopping you wouldn’t say that.
Can’t blame a guy for trying.

He takes out his cell.
Mumbles something. Hangs up.

SLEDGE
My heart -- is broken.

The window shade CLOSES.
Water starts GUSHING down
from a row of pipes in the ceiling.

CHERRY
What the fuck?

APRIL
Stand back!

April raises her Sig Sauer.
SHOOTS at the door.

The bullets FLY OFF and
RICOCHET around the room.

Cherry aims at the window.
SHOOTS a SPRAY OF BULLETS at it.
They, too BOUNCE of the glass and RICOCHET.

The water swirls around,
now reaching up to their knees.

APRIL
What are we gonna DO?