Team America

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 38 of NOWHERE GIRLS, super-spy twins Cherry Nation and April Street escape from their dungeon cell deep inside evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond's underground lair. Meanwhile, above-ground, FBI agents Sunday Sparks and Max Cargo are given orders to 'go in for the kill' ...


EXT. MANN’S CHINESE THEATER - NIGHT
Sunday and Max stand next to
a monitor set up on a table.

We see the camera’s POV of
Honey’s command center on the screen.

MAX
Okay, so now we know where they are.
I say we go in, stealth-like.

SUNDAY
Too risky. Two of our most valuable assets
are in there, not to mention agent Nation’s children.

MAX
(tears up)
How could somebody be so DESPICABLE?
We’ve got to RESCUE THEM.

SUNDAY
You know, you should show your
soft side more often.
It’s very appealing.

MAX
(blushes)
Really?

Sunday’s cell phone RINGS.

SUNDAY
Hold that thought.
(answer it)
This is agent Sparks --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - CLINT RUFF’S OFFICE
Clint sits at his desk.
DOWNS his glass of scotch.

Grabs the bottle. Pours another.
BARKS into the speakerphone.

CLINT
Ruff here. Status?

SUNDAY
We’ve located her base of operations, sir.
Three floors below the theater.

CLINT
Has the movie let out?

SUNDAY
Yes. We’re just waiting to find out --

CLINT
WAITING? What the FUCK?
Go in there and GET her, NOW.
It’s a matter of NATIONAL SECURITY.
This woman was able to
penetrate THE WHITE HOUSE.

SUNDAY
But agents Nation and Street are --

CLINT
They can take care of THEMSELVES.
For all we know, Almond could be
escaping through a secret tunnel.
You know how those evil masterminds are --

SUNDAY
Oh, shit -- you’re right.
(beat)
Don’t worry, sir.
We’re going in right away --
with no lube.

CLINT
This is NO TIME FOR JOKES.
Just DO IT.

SUNDAY
Yes, sir. I’m sorry, sir. Over.

She clicks the phone shut.
Sighs. Looks at Max.

SUNDAY
You heard me.
Get the squad ready.
We’re going in with everything.
A full-scale assault.

MAX
I heard.
(strange smile)
With no lube?

SUNDAY
Figure of speech --
(beat)
I, uh -- lost my head for a second.

MAX
I hate when that happens.

INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - CLINT RUFF’S OFFICE - AT THAT MOMENT
Clint finishes his drink. Smiles grimly.

CLINT
'No lube' --
(beat)
Heh, heh, heh.

INT. BOMB SHELTER - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry and April have pulled
the shelves away from the wall.
Positioned them under the trap door opening.

APRIL
I’ll go first,
you come up behind and cover me.

CHERRY
No. I’M going first.

APRIL
But I thought you wanted to
turn in your secret decoder ring.

CHERRY
Too late for that.
Spies ‘R’ Us, baby. TEAM AMERICA.
(growls)
I’m getting my fucking KIDS back --

APRIL
Knock ‘em dead, kid.

CHERRY
Don’t mind if I do.

Fire in her eyes,
Cherry starts climbing up the shelves,
April right behind her.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Two GUARDS sit at a table over the trap door
fooling with a laptop.
HORNY GUARD points at the screen.

HORNY GUARD
Check it out.
It’s so big, he can suck himself.

CRAZED GUARD shakes his head with disgust.

CRAZED GUARD
I don’t want to see THAT.
That’s fucking GAY.

HORNY GUARD
(working the mouse)
Okay, okay, hold onto your dick --
check this one out.
You’re gonna shit your pants --

The trap door below them slowly OPENS.
Cherry sticks her head out. Looks up.

Sees the table up above.
Carefully opens it all the way.
Gently places it down on the floor.

CRAZED GUARD
Holy shit, check out the CANS on HER.

HORNY GUARD
Meet Bambi Boulders. Double-H, dude.

Cherry climbs up quietly.
Looks down, motions to April.

She climbs up.
Crouches next to Cherry.

CHERRY
(points, mouths silently)
Grab their FEET --

April nods. Holds up three fingers.
Cherry nods.

HORNY GUARD
Check out THOSE meat curtains --

April shoots out a finger.
Then two -- then THREE.

And they GRAB the guards’ ankles.

April and Cherry YANK HARD,
PULLING the guards off their chairs
onto the floor, BANG --
and LEAP on top of them.

Cherry PUNCHES Horny in the face, CRACK.
He goes out.

April HITS Crazed on the
side of the head, CRACK.
He goes down.

They get up.
Take their weapons.

Cherry sees their walkie talkies.
Grabs them. Hands one to April.

CHERRY
In case we get separated.

APRIL
What. No pre-nup?