Combination Platter

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking New Year. I don't know about you, but I'm glad the holidays are OVER. Put a CORK in it.

And now it's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 21 of NOWHERE GIRLS, evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond activates her latest assassins, Shao Lin and her assistants, right now disguised as Japanese schoolgirls, and sends them to kill super-spy sisters Cherry Nation and April Street. Meanwhile, FBI agents Max Cargo and Sunday Sparks are also after the girls ...


EXT. UNIVERSAL STUDIOS - CITYWALK - NIGHT
A bustling, overcrowded fake street lined with tourist shit,
overpriced shitty restaurants, theme-bars,
and hordes of fat, bustling TOURISTS
gawking at all the bright and shiny crap.

Standing in front of a Hooters restaurant
is a group of JAPANESE SCHOOL GIRLS,
chattering and giggling.

They wear sailor smocks,
plaid miniskirts and knee-high white socks.

One of the girls,
a tall, striking curvy goblet of dumplings
looks at her pocketbook as it VIBRATES.

She pulls out her cell phone,
steps away from the group.

Meet SHAO LIN (25),
a toxic cocktail of lethal proportions.

Beauty, brains and bullets.
Shaken AND stirred.

SHAO
This is Shao --
(listens)
Of course --
(listens)
I see. Sounds dangerous.
I LOVE IT.
(listens)
Sure thing. Text me coordinates.
We’re on our way.
(listens)
Dead or alive?
(eyes wide)
Thank YOU, Sir.
You know how to make girl
very happy. Bye.

She CLICKS the phone shut.
Waves at a couple of the girls.

They scuttle over.
Look serious. Inquisitive.

TALL JAPANESE GIRL
What up, girlfriend?

MUSCULAR JAPANESE GIRL
We have job?

Meet NASHI (19) and SUZU (20),
Shao’s junior assassins.

SHAO
(nods, serious)
You see on news about American girls
involved with terrorist at White House?

NASHI
(makes a fist)
Of course. Was horrible.

SUZU
(nods)
Bad girls. Very bad.

SHAO
We’ve just been assigned to GET THEM.
(big smile)
Dead or alive.

Nashi and Suzu jump up and down excitedly.
Start giggling.

Shao folds her arms across her chest.
Angry.

SHAO (CONT’D)
Girls, girls.
Remember, we are PROFESSIONALS.
You must act accordingly.

They calm down.
Suddenly look grim. Serious.

NASHI
Of course. Very sorry.
I have been suitably chastised.

SUZU
Yes. Killing bitches is solemn act,
for which we are most honored.

A trio of FRAT BOYS walk up to the girls.
Drunk. Grinning.

FAT, DRUNK FRAT BOY
Look, guys -- a combination platter.

RED-FACED FRAT BOY
You likee won long dong?

OBNOXIOUS FRAT BOY
No tickie, no dirty.

They ERUPT with LAUGHTER.
High-fiving each other.

Suddenly, in a BLUR OF SPEED,
Nashi WHIPS OUT nunchucks,
CRACK-CRACKS them over her head,
and HURLS them at Fat.

They WRAP AROUND HIS NECK. He GAGS.
She WHIRLS around in the air --
and KICKS him in the stomach.
OOF, He goes DOWN.

At the same time,
Suzu FLIES in the air.

GRABS Red Face and Obnoxious by the head,
and CRACKS them together. CONK.

They vibrate a moment,
then hit the ground, THWUMP.

SHAO
(nods)
Very good. Warm up round.

A NERDY SECURITY GUARD walks over.
Looks at the frat boys.

NERDY SECURITY GUARD
What’s going on over here?
Did you do that to them?

SHAO
Watchoo gonna do about it, FAT BOY?

NERDY SECURITY GUARD
(starts backing away)
Uh, nothing. Sorry. Never mind.
I’ve seen KILL BILL --
(beat)
Please don’t hurt me.

EXT. PACIFIC AVENUE - NIGHT
A cluster of black FBI SUV's
ROAR down the street.

Followed by the SURVEILLANCE VAN
and a squad of POLICE CARS.

INT. SUV - MOVING - NIGHT
Max is behind the wheel.
Sunday rides shotgun.

Two AGENTS sit behind them, working laptops.
She BARKS into her hands-free.

SUNDAY
What’s their LOCATION?
(listens)
Roger that. Over.
(to Max)
Turn left here on Washington.

MAX
Okay --
(looks out the window)
Hey. There’s Hinano’s.
I used to hang out there
back in the day.
Best cheeseburgers at the beach --

SUNDAY
(looks, makes a face)
Looks like a fucking DIVE.

MAX
(wistfully)
Yeah --
(turns, looks, smiles)
Is it beer-thirty yet?

SUNDAY
(under her breath)
Note to self:
thank God I’m a lesbian --