Shredded Tuna

Hey there, crime kids. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of NOWHERE GIRLS, super-spies April Street and Cherry Nation's home is attacked by a squadron of black ops commandos, and, along with rogue agent Bibi LaSalle, they must fight for their lives ...


EXT. CHERRY AND APRIL’S JOINT - ROOF - NIGHT
A black BLACK HAWK CHOPPER hovers over the house.
A dozen COMMANDOS fly down on ropes,
LAND on the roof like angry spiders on speed.
STOMPING in formation across the deck.

IN THE HOUSE
The girls look up.
Hear the stomp of footsteps.

BIBI
Too late. They’re HERE.

APRIL
Yeah, but are they the Feds or Honey Almond?

CHERRY
Does it make any fucking DIFFERENCE?
C’mon, into the basement, NOW.

They RACE into --

THE KITCHEN
Cherry opens a door.
They DASH down the stairs into --

THE BASEMENT
Where they RACE to a metal door.

OUTSIDE THE HOUSE
The commandos FLY down the side of the house on ropes.
SWING BACK, SHOOT OUT the windows,
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT,
and FLY into the house.

IN THE BASEMENT
April tries to open the door.

APRIL
Shit. Locked.

BIBI
Where does this go?

CHERRY
OUTSIDE.
(pats her pockets)
And I don’t have my keys.

APRIL
Neither do I.

CHERRY
Shit. Shit.

APRIL
Fuck. Fuck.

UPSTAIRS
Commandos RUN, STOMPING through the house, weapons aimed.
FLYING around corners, going from room to room. Searching --

IN THE BASEMENT
Bibi pulls out a mini-Uzi. Raises it --

BIBI
Stand back.

APRIL
But that won’t --

And SPRAYS the lock with bullets.
They FLY OFF the door, ricochet in a dozen directions.
The girls DUCK.

APRIL (CONT’D)
I tried to tell you.
It’s bulletproof.
(beat)
I mean, we ARE spies.

BIBI
Is there any way else out of here?

CHERRY
NO.

UPSTAIRS
A pair of commandos STOMP into the kitchen.
A radio CHIRPS.

SHRILL COMMANDO (O.C.)
Upstairs is clear. Over.

ANGRY COMMANDO
(into the radio)
Roger that.

The other, SHORTER COMMANDO
sees the door to the basement.

ANGRY COMMANDO (CONT'D)
They’re DOWNSTAIRS. C’MON.

IN THE BASEMENT
Bibi pulls a GRENADE out of her bag.
Holds it up. Smiles.

BIBI
Never leave home without it.

The door into the basement EXPLODES with gunfire.
The commandos CHARGE down the stairs.
Start FIRING blindly.

BIBI (CONT’D)
DUCK.

Cherry and April hit the floor.
Bibi pulls the pin, and THROWS the grenade at the intruders.

BANG. The room SHAKES.
The staircase and the commandos EXPLODE
in a massive fireball. BOOM.

Bibi JUMPS out of the way.
Hides behind a chest of drawers.

The fireball WHOOSHES through the room,
straight at the door,
and BLOWS it off its hinges, BANG.

The doorway reveals a path down to the beach.
The ocean waves roll in the moonlight.

The intruders’ boat from the opening
of the story gently bobs in the water.

Cherry and April get up.
Grab their backpacks. Stare at Bibi.

APRIL
That was fucking awesome.

CHERRY
Remind me not to piss you off.

BIBI
It is, as you say, all in ze day’s work.
But we cannot rest on laurels.
We have to MOVE, NOW --
(looks)
Is that your boat out there?

APRIL
It is now. C’MON --

And they RACE outside.

EXT. CHERRY AND APRIL’S JOINT - NIGHT
The entire joint is ON FIRE.
The helicopter starts circling the yard,
looking for survivors.

A SPOTLIGHT moving across the house,
the yard --

Revealing the commando’s dead bodies,
burning in the flames.

IN THE CHOPPER
The PILOT, Tom Cruise on steroids,
YELLS at his copilot.

ANGRY CHOPPER PILOT
I don’t fucking BELIEVE IT.
Those GIRLS killed ALL OF THEM.

The IRATE COPILOT grabs an AK-47 submachine gun.
Yells at the commando behind him working the spotlight.

IRATE COPILOT
FIND THEM, so I can shove some HOT LEAD
up their fucking SNATCHES.

EXT. OCEAN SHORE - AT THAT MOMENT
The girls JUMP in the water.
Start swimming to the boat.

The Spotlight SWEEPS across the beach
in a zigzag pattern.
Machine gun fire SPRAYS across the sand.

APRIL
(looks behind her)
Shit, HURRY.

THE SPOTLIGHT
Hits them. The girls swim faster.
Bullets SPRAYING into the waves.
They go under the surface. Continue swimming.

IN THE CHOPPER
The copilot looks out the window with night goggles.

IRATE COPILOT
GODDAMMIT. They went underwater.

IN THE OCEAN
The GIRLS make it to the boat. Climb aboard.

THE SPOTLIGHT
Hits them. April races to the front deck.
Starts the engine.

CHERRY
Hurry up, they SEE US.

IN THE CHOPPER
Irate copilot aims his weapon.
Licks his lips.

IRATE COPILOT
Anyone want SHREDDED TUNA?

And he starts FIRING.

IN THE BOAT
The girls DUCK, bullets FLYING over their heads.
Pieces of wood SPLINTER, go flying.

Just as April starts to turn the wheel,
a bullet HITS her in the arm. THWIP.
She GRABS it, reels backwards.

APRIL
GODDAMMIT.

CHERRY
I’ll get it --

Cherry RACES to the front.
Grabs the controls.
Starts gunning the engine.
She gets hit in the leg. CRACK.

CHERRY (CONT’D)
OW.

She FLIES backwards, hits the deck.
Struggles to get back up.

Bibi searches the rear storage bin.
Pulls out an ANTI-AIRCRAFT ASSAULT WEAPON.
A giant bazooka-looking joint.

She cradles it in her arms.
Takes aim. Grimaces.

BIBI
Bye, bye, birdie --

And she fires.
A missile SHOOTS out the barrel.

THE CHOPPER
Flies toward the boat.
Gets HIT with the rocket, BANG.
EXPLODES in a MASSIVE FIREBALL.
Slowly rotates in a lazy circle,
then PLUMMETS into the water, SPLASH, and sinks.

ON THE BOAT
The girls watch.

CHERRY
Black hawk DOWN.

APRIL
(turns to Bibi)
Thanks for the rockets red glare.

BIBI
(smiles)
You’d do the same for me. How’s your arm?

APRIL
Hurts like a motherfucker.

BIBI
(to Cherry)
How about your leg?

CHERRY
Uh, can I get another order of
‘hurts like a motherfucker?’

BIBI
We go to safe house I know, down in Venice.
Fix you two up.

APRIL
Take me to Muscle Beach, baby.