Fast, Cheap And Horny

Happy X, crime slicksters! It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 15 of NOWHERE GIRLS, the shit is about to hit the fan when 'Assassin To The Stars' The Bagger and his junior hitwoman Lemon LeBon get ready to attack super-spies Cherry Nation and April street, now in their mobile safe house on wheels. But first he checks in with his boss, evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond, who right now is getting 'up close and personal' with her aide de camp Rock Vargas ...


INT. SERGE’S MOTOR HOME - NIGHT
Serge sits at a workstation against
one wall of the main room.

Looks at a computer monitor,
which is flashing rows of data.

Cherry and April crowd around and watch.

SERGE
These are all the calls
she made in the last month.

APRIL
(points)
Look. Alot of the numbers are the same.

CHERRY
How much you wanna bet that’s Honey’s number?

SERGE
Exactly.
(punches on the keyboard)
Problem is, the location is encrypted.
So, I need to decipher it.
I’ve got a copy of this Al Qaeda program
on the black market that --

APRIL
Al Qaeda? REALLY?

SERGE
Yes. It’s state-of-the-art.
Developed by the Russians.
It can decrypt almost any --

He closes his eyes. Sighs.

CHERRY
What’s wrong?

SERGE
I just realized.
The only copy I had
is back at the safe house.

APRIL
SHIT. I just realized something --

CHERRY
What?

APRIL
OUR location can be tracked on Bibi’s PHONE.

SERGE
MERDE.

He GRABS the phone.
THROWS it to the floor.
SMASHES it with his boot. CRUNCH.

CHERRY
I hope we were in time.

APRIL
Let’s not stay around long enough
to find out, okay?

SERGE
Oui. It is time, as they say,
to get out of Dodge.

EXT. VENICE BEACH PARKING LOT - AT THAT MOMENT
The Bagger and Lemon carefully approach the parking lot.

BAGGER
We go in through the roof. Air vent.

LEMON
I’ll go in first, because I’m smaller --

BAGGER
Not to mention lemon-fresh.

LEMON
You wish.

BAGGER
Shit. I better check in.

He pulls out his cell phone.
Ducks down behind a old pickup truck.
Dials a number. Lemon joins him. Crouches down.

BAGGER (CONT'D)
Hello, chief. It’s the Bag-man.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. HONEY’S UNDERGROUND LAIR - PRIVATE OFFICE - NIGHT
The blinds are closed.
She’s sitting on the desk,
skirt up around her waist,
being serviced by Rock.

A red phone on her desk RINGS.

HONEY
Shit.

ROCK
Ignore it.

HONEY
(looks)
I can’t. It’s 'The Assassin To The Stars.'
And he’s due for a REAMING.

He stops. Looks crestfallen.
She grabs the receiver.

Motions for him to continue.
He shakes his head 'really?'

Then starts thrusting HARDER. FASTER.

HONEY (CONT'D)
(into the phone)
You fucking -- ASSHOLE.
How could you LET THEM ESCAPE?

She GASPS. Approaching liftoff.

BAGGER
But it’s okay, I’ve --

HONEY
Shut the fuck and LISTEN to me --
(gasps)
If you don’t GET THEM, PRONTO --
it’s your ASS IN A SLING, GOT IT?

BAGGER
I got it. But I know where they are,
I followed them --

HONEY
(moans, starting to climax)

Uhhhhhh --
(shakes her head)
What did you say?

BAGGER
I said I FOLLOWED THEM.
They’re holed up in a camper at Venice Beach.
I’m about to approach.
(cups the phone, to Lemon)
I think she’s having sex --

HONEY
Then fucking GET THEM, Bag --
(gasps)

Ah, ah, ah, AHHHHHHH --
She lets out an EAR-SPLITTING SHRIEK of pleasure.
The Bagger holds the phone up to Lemon.
She smiles. Gives a thumbs-up.

BAGGER
Boss? You there? Everything okay?

Rock dismounts. Pulls his pants up.
Triumphant. Honey lights a cigarette.
Smiles dreamily. Exhales a big cloud of smoke.

HONEY
Never better. I was being defiled.
(beat)
Uh, debriefed. I was being debriefed --

INT. SERGE’S MOTOR HOME - AT THAT MOMENT
Serge gets behind the wheel.
April slides into the passenger seat.
Cherry stands behind them.

APRIL
So where to?

SERGE
Hollywood. The area code is three-two-three.
Then we work on decrypting her location.

CHERRY
(pushes out her chest)
Hollywood or BUST.

APRIL
Wait a minute. I just had an idea.
I could call my ex --

CHERRY
What ex? You haven’t told me about him.

APRIL
No, I -- broke his heart.
(sighs)
It’s a long story. He’s black ops, NSA.
We were always on opposite ends of the globe.
It was great, but I only got to see him
a couple times a year, if that,
and it just kinda -- tapered off.

CHERRY
But I thought absence
makes the heart grow fonder.

APRIL
If you live in Kansas, maybe.
But not when you’re in deep cover
with a terrorist cell in Budapest --

OUTSIDE THE RV
The Bagger and Lemon approach
the back of the vehicle.
Which starts to roll away.

LEMON
Shit, it’s MOVING.

BAGGER
Quick, catch up with it.
Climb up on the roof.
I’ll follow in the car.

LEMON
Okay --
She DASHES OFF after it.
GRABS onto the steel rungs on the back.
Starts climbing up.

Stops, turns, blows Bagger a kiss.

The Bagger looks.
Starts quickly walking toward the SUV.

BAGGER
What a doll. Just how I like ‘em.
Fast, cheap and horny.