Hasta La Vista, Refried Motherfuckers

Happy Friday, fellow assassins ... it's a beautiful day to climb up on the roof and start picking off pedestrians with a high-powered sniper-scope rifle. So come on up and join me, and be sure to bring extra ammunition, cause it's almost the weekend. And it's time to get the party started ...

Screened a real beaut last night, my man Clint, again, in IN THE LINE OF FIRE. Eastwood is terrif as a Secret Service agent still haunted by not protecting JFK when he was assassinated -- so, when wannabe assassin John Malkovich threatens to kill the prez, and gets all close and personal with Clint, he fights back. Maklo AMAZING as the psycho ... and Rene Russo all warm and fuzzy as Clint's love interest ... but, since this wasn't a Clint joint ... he didn't write or direct ... their 'love scene' was a bit ... stilted. Thank god he stopped making studio swill like this. Maybe this is the one that pushed him away from slick the stuff ... but the movie still works, and it's good old-fashioned fun. Two guns up.

Onto today's joint from NOWHERE GIRL. Better hold onto your AK47's kids, cause this one's gonna kick you in the solar plexus ...

First up, Homeland Security agent April Street has a final showdown with her black ops boss Sledge Crafton ... and then stripper on the run Cherry Nation has to fend off a pack of gang-bangers on the city bus ...


INT. MARDO’S JOINT - NIGHT
April looks through Token’s pockets.
Finds the handcuff keys.

APRIL
(on the phone)
Sledge. What a pleasant surprise.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. INTELLIGENCE OFFICE - NIGHT
Sledge paces slowly, sipping scotch from a cut-glass tumbler.
BARKS into the speakerphone on his desk.

SLEDGE
Watch your tone with me, GIRLIE.
I’m still your fucking BOSS.

APRIL
Is that MY fucking boss --
or FUCKING my boss?

SLEDGE
Can it, Street, before I can YOU.
What’s going on? You secure the case?

APRIL
Uh -- no. There’s been a little -- problem.

SLEDGE
A little PROBLEM?
So help me Street, if you’ve fucked this up,
I’m gonna have your ass.

APRIL
You’ve already had my ass.
Now listen to me, and don’t interrupt --

SLEDGE
STREET, GODAMMIT --

APRIL
SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!
Avi’s guy Ware came in and fucked everything up!
The girl and the guy who have the case split,
but I’ve got Ware’s tracking transmitter,
and I will FIND THEM and GET IT --
so stop thinking with your DICK,
take a CHILL PILL,
and let me do my JOB.

Sledge HURLS his glass against the wall with a CRASH.

SLEDGE
How DARE you talk to me like that.
I will NOT have it.
I’m dismissing you from the case.
(beat)
And the unit.

APRIL
You’re putting out a burn notice on me?

SLEDGE
See you IN HELL.

He PUNCHES the speakerphone,
sending it FLYING across the room --
where it CRACKS into the wall.

APRIL
Sledge? Boss? You there?

INT. CITY BUS - MOVING - NIGHT
One of those long, red monsters, in sections, like a snake.
Only a handful of passengers.
Cherry and Peeler sit toward the back.
Look at a video monitor.

CHERRY
I didn’t know they had TV on the bus.

PEELER
It’s not real TV. Watch.

ON THE SCREEN
A smiling LATINA gives a pitch about ‘Accidentes Abigados.’

CHERRY
Makes a face.

CHERRY
It’s in Spanish.

PEELER
Welcome to how the other half lives.

The bus STOPS.

A trio of GANG-BANGERS (early 20’s) boards.
They strut down the aisle.
The first one, the LEADER, sees Cherry.
He stops. Nudges the others.
Gold-toothed smiles.

They move slowly, sauntering,
until they reach Cherry and Peeler.
The leader sits in front of them.
The others, behind.

LEAD GANG-BANGER
What'cha got in da case, mommy?

CHERRY
Uh -- nothing.

LEAD GANG-BANGER
Can’t be nothin’, or else you wouldn’ta be cuffed to it.

The SHORT, UGLY GANG-BANGER
sitting behind Cherry FLIPS open a switchblade,
revealing a long knife.

Cherry SHUDDERS.

SHORT, UGLY GANG-BANGER
It’s gotta be valuable, riiight?

The other kid, a TALLER, GOOD-LOOKING GANG-BANGER
pulls out a forty-ounce bottle of malt liquor.
Takes a swig.

TALLER, GOOD-LOOKING GANG-BANGER
I say she open it and show us what she got.

PEELER
That wouldn’t be a good idea.

LEAD GANG-BANGER
And why is dat?

The bus JERKS to a stop.
A FAT WOMAN in an wheelchair is getting on.
This will take a little while.

CHERRY
Because it’s a BOMB.

The Leader starts LAUGHING.
Then, the others join in.

LEAD GANG-BANGER
You kiddin’ me.
Why would a nice piece of pussy
like you have a BOMB?

CHERRY
For assholes like YOU.

She LEAPS UP --
and WHACKS Leader in the head with the case, CRACK,
SPINS AROUND, and CRACKS Short, Ugly in the face.

CHERRY (CONT’D)
(to Peeler)
MOVE IT, now!

Peeler JUMPS UP, races toward the exit.
Tall, Good-Looking cowers with fear.

CHERRY (CONT'D)
You want a piece of this, homes?

He shakes his head ‘no.’

CHERRY (CONT’D)
I didn’t think so.
(beat)
Hasta la vista, refried motherfuckers.

EXT. BUS STOP - SECONDS LATER
Cherry and Peeler FLY out the exit door.
RACE down the street.
LAUGHING and WHOOPING.

PEELER
Holy fucking shit!
You CLOCKED ‘em!

Cherry slows down.
Catches her breath.

CHERRY
I don’t know what happened.
It was like something snapped --
and I just DID it.

PEELER
You were great.
And I don’t even feel emasculated.
(beat)
Okay, where to now?

CHERRY
I’m starving.
Let’s grab a quick bite, regroup,
and then deliver this fucker.

PEELER
(staring, big smile)
I’d follow you to the end of the earth.

Cherry stops.
Gives him the eye.

CHERRY
I’m still not gonna fuck you.