American Bitch

Happy Hump Day, Humpsters. Are you ready to get your hardboiled spy thriller groove on? Ready for a big, heaping slab of non-stop, ass-kicking action? Ready for hot chicks with extremely big weapons and even bigger ... mouths? Well, then get your ass into gear, and check out NOWHERE GIRL!

Screened a classic last night. ROMANCING THE STONE, with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner. I'm doing research for my big-budget adventure story for an A-list producer, and this is source material. Was afraid it was gonna be a bit corny -- hadn't seen it in years -- and boy, was I pleasantly surprised. It really holds up. And you know why? Because it's a great STORY, where the characters go through an ordeal, change -- and eventually hook up. And it's funny. If you want to see an example of good, old-fashioned fimmaking, this is it. Check it out sometime. A true classic.

Onto today's joint from NOWHERE GIRL, and boy, do things get heated up ...

In part 1, Homeland Security April Street arrives right in the middle of black op Token Ware's confontation with Cherry Nation ...

In part 2, we meet the terrorist sleeper cell that is expecting delivery of the suitcase chained to Cherry's wrist ...

And part 3, the big fight's exciting conclusion.

For now.


INT. PEELER'S JOINT - NIGHT

TOKEN WARE
Walks into the room.
Holding a sawed-off shotgun.

TOKEN
You should lock your front door.
Open invitation for dangerous criminals.

CHERRY
YOU.

PEELER
That’s the guy who -- ?

TOKEN
I gave you an address to take the case to.
And instead, you come to this rat-trap to fuck this LOSER?

CHERRY
I’m gonna go, I’m gonna go.
We got shot at, at the airport, and, and --

PEELER
We were -- just leaving.
Please don’t shoot us.

TOKEN
(to Cherry)
Did I say you could take SOMEONE WITH YOU?
This isn’t a DATE. We’re dealing with TERRORISTS here.
There’s a TIME-TABLE. And now you’re LATE.
You think an AL QAEDA SLEEPER CELL
is just gonna HANG AROUND ALL DAY and WAIT?

A GLOCK
Appears next to Token’s head.
The safety CLICKS.

WOMAN’S VOICE (O.C.)
Put the gun down, slowly.

APRIL
Stands in the doorway.

Token lowers the gun.

APRIL
You gave the case to the wrong chick, doll.
(looks at Cherry)
Jesus Christ. You could be my sister.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS - MANSION - NIGHT
A glass and steel monstrosity right outta ENTOURAGE,
high on a cliff, jutting out into the sky on stilts.

INT. MANSION - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The very definition of ritzy. The room is fucking HUGE.
An amazing view of Los Angeles twinkles below.

Seated in front of a roaring fire is HAMAD KHARRAZI,
head of this particular Al Qaeda sleeper cell.
His second-in-command, KAMAL AESEFIJ, stands before him.
Both wear ‘Hollywood casual’ jeans and polo shirts with jackets.

KAMAL
We have heard nothing yet, sir.

HAMAD
American BITCH.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Excuse me.

HAMAD
I told you to be SILENT.

CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal --
The homeowners.

A RICH HUSBAND (50’s) and his TROPHY WIFE (20’s).
Seated on another sofa across the room.

Right now being held at gunpoint by
TWO AFGHANI TERRORISTS with Uzis.
Dressed in hip-hop baggies and baseball caps.

TROPHY WIFE
I’m sorry, but I, I --
need to use the -- ladies’ room.

HAMAD
Stay where you are!
You can piss yourself for all I care!

KAMAL
I have an idea.

HAMAD
And what is your IDEA?

KAMAL
Well, as you know,
I am a bit of what they call
a tech-head here in the states.

HAMAD
Yes, I know.
You went to university.

KAMAL
Ball State, sir.
Excellent humanities and science programs.

HAMAD
I am growing impatient, Kamal --

KAMAL
Well, since she called us on the cell phone,
we can return the call with the push of a button.

HAMAD
We CAN?

KAMAL
But of course, it’s stored on the phone.
I suggest we -- call her.
Find out what the story is.
Fuck Avi.

HAMAD
BRILLIANT.
Call her IMMEDIATELY.

Kamal smiles. Pulls out his cell.
Punches a button. Listens.

KAMAL
It’s ringing --

INT. MARDO’S JOINT - NIGHT - AT THAT MOMENT
April holds her gun against Token’s head.

TOKEN
It was an honest mistake.
She looks just like you.

APRIL
I said PUT THE GUN DOWN, NOW.

TOKEN
I will if you do.

CHERRY
(to Token)
Please don’t shoot me.

APRIL
He won’t shoot you,
not when you’re carrying a suitcase nuke.

CHERRY
A suitcase wh-what?

PEELER
Holy SHIT.

TOKEN
Why did you TELL HER?

April’s phone RING-RINGS in her pocket.

APRIL
Shit.

RING-RING

Token moves on April.
She PISTOL-WHIPS him. THWUMP.

APRIL (CONT’D)
Stay RIGHT THERE.

RING-RING

April WHIPS out handcuffs,
CUFFS him to a chair, CLICK-CLICK.

While Cherry’s busy, Peeler tip-toes away.
She pulls out her cell. Answers it.

APRIL (CONT'D)
This is Street.
(listens)
There’s been a delay.
I’m on my way.

From behind, Peeler SMASHES
April on the head with a lamp.
She reels, and goes down.

CHERRY
NICE. Let’s get the fuck OUTTA HERE.

PEELER
Maybe we should -- call the cops?

CHERRY
Are you fucking kidding?

PEELER
But --

CHERRY
(holds up the case)
You know how much this is WORTH?
I say we deliver it ourselves.

PEELER
And what, take the money?

CHERRY
Hell, yeah.

PEELER
Won’t that be -- kinda dangerous?

PUSH IN ON Cherry.
Dollar signs in her eyes.

CHERRY
Probably.