Deal Or No Deal

Hello, Ruby Tuesday, crime scenesters. Are you ready for another big, thick slab of estrogen-drenched, balls-out spy thriller fun and games? Well, move over Mr. and Mrs. Smith, cause there's a new chick in town, and she's mighty pissed off ... and you'd be too, if you were a NOWHERE GIRL.

Screened an old favorite of mine last night, MR. AND MRS. SMITH. Well, it's not that old, but it sure is a favorite. Good old fashioned spy thriller fun in the form of a married couple, who, unbeknownst to each other, are each secretly one of the two top assassins in the world. If you haven't seen it, I won't spoil the plot ... but let's just say sparks fly when Brad and Angie have to fight each other to the death ... or do they? Mr. Pitt is adorable and quite funny ... and Ms. Jolie is ... well, let's just say she's a work of art. Sexy, dangerous, violent ... and riveting. It's easy to forget what good actors they both are, what with all the press and hype they get. Maybe that's why I don't watch TV, don't read the tabloids ... just experience these two the old-fashioned way, in all their cinema glory ...

Onto today's joint from NOWHERE GIRL, and the plot thickens. As stripper-on-the-run Cherry Nation prepares to leave the dive bar to go on her mission, she calls the terrorists to tell them she's on the way ... but then Homeland Security agent April Street arrives on the scene, and just as she's about to arrest Cherry, another intruder bursts in on them ...


INT. SUV - MOVING - NIGHT
April drives the car slowly on the right-hand side,
checks the hand-held PDA.

APRIL
They’re right near here --

INT. JUMBO’S CLOWN ROOM - NIGHT
Cherry pays the BARTENDER (40), an ex-stripper.

CHERRY
Keep the change.

STRIPPER BARTENDER
Thanks, doll.

Stripper Bartender ambles away,
goes behind the bar.

PEELER
What now?

CHERRY
I’m gonna call the guy.
Then we’re gonna see the guy.
Get the money.
(looks down)
And then I can finally get this thing off my wrist.
It’s fucking killing me.

She pulls out a piece of paper. Her cell.
PUNCHES a number.

CHERRY (CONT’D)
Wish me luck.

PEELER
Luck.

CHERRY
(into the phone)
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH:INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - NIGHT
Hamad, Kamal and the rest of the terrorists sit and watch
DEAL OR NO DEAL on a huge plasma-screen.

KAMAL
It’s ridiculous.
Greedy Americans.
There is no GAME.

HAMAD
Look at number twenty-seven.
She looks Persian.

Kamal’s phone RINGS.
He gets it. Listens.

KAMAL
Hello, Avi?

CHERRY
No, this is Cherry Nation. Who’s Avi?

KAMAL
What is Cherry -- Nation?

CHERRY
I’M Cherry Nation.
And I have your briefcase.

KAMAL
(to Hamad)
It’s the girl with the package.
(to Cherry)
Where are you?

CHERRY
I’m on my way to see you.
You have the money?

KAMAL
Of course.
(to Hamad)
She doesn’t know who Avi is.
This smells funny.
I don’t like it.

HAMAD
(eyes on the TV)
Not to worry.
If it goes wrong, we kill her.
Then we go visit Avi.

CHERRY
You still there?

KAMAL
You have the address?

CHERRY
Yeah, I’m on my way.

She hangs up.
The reality of all of this is finally sinking in.
Freak-out time.
Peeler puts his hand on top of Cherry’s.

PEELER
You okay?
You look -- scared to death.

CHERRY
Of course I’m fucking scared to death.
Aren’t you?

PEELER
Shit, yeah.

CHERRY
Thanks for doing this with me.
You know, you’re not such a --

The front door BANGS OPEN.
In walks April.

APRIL
Everybody FREEZE.
I’m a FEDERAL OFFICER.

April sees Cherry. Starts walking toward her.

APRIL (CONT'D)
You gave me quite the little goose-chase, girlie.
You’re under arrest, both of you.

A FIGURE IN BLACK
appears in the doorway wearing a motorcycle helmet.
He raises a sawed-off SHOTGUN.

STRIPPER BARTENDER
HEY. NO GUNS ALLOWED!