A Big Stiff One

Happy Friday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 33 of A DISH BEST KILLED, homicide detective Cal Seely grills murderous lesbian personal trailer Jett Targo about where she was the night she killed her lover's husband Dart Crayce, and her little person neighbor Nola Bliss ...


INT. JETT’S APARTMENT - AT THAT MOMENT
Cal Seely stands in the doorway.
Jett holds open the door.

CAL
Jett Targo?

JETT
Uh-huh.

CAL
Cal Seely, Sheriff’s office, homicide.
I’d like to come in and
ask you a few questions.
(beat)
If you don’t mind.

JETT
No, no -- not at all.
Come in.

He lumbers into the
large studio apartment.

CAL
Thanks.
(looks around)
Nice and airy.
Must cost a fortune,
being right on the canal.

JETT
(bad fake laugh)
You’re not kidding.
(beat)
Can I get you anything --
some water?

CAL
No, thanks.
I’m fine.

Jett sits on the couch.
Smiles hopefully.

JETT
Have a seat.

CAL
No can do.
Back is in spasm.
If I sit, I might not
be able to get up again.
(strange laugh)
And I’m sure you don’t want
a dick stuck in your house.

JETT
Uh, no --

CAL
Did you know a woman by
the name of -- Nola Bliss?

JETT
She’s, uh -- the neighbor
of one of my clients,
Haven Crayce.

CAL
Was the neighbor.

JETT
Was?
You mean something --
happened to her?

CAL
Nothing 'happened' to her.
She was murdered.
We found her body in the
trunk of a car that was towed --
(pulls out a notebook)
Belonging to a man by
the name of Rush Madder,
from Long Beach.
(beat)
You know him?

JETT
No, sorry.
Never heard of him.

CAL
Funny.
The car was parked right
down the street from here.

JETT
Huh.
(beat)
Small world.

CAL
Where were you on
the night of the 25th?

JETT
Uh -- that was Tuesday, right?
(off his nod)
I was home, watching a movie.

CAL
What movie?

JETT
A Dish Best Killed.

CAL
How ironic.

JETT
Ironic?

Pause.

CAL
Thanks for your time.
(gives her his card)
Here’s my number.
Give me a call if
you remember anything.
(beat)
And please don’t leave town.
I might have some more --
questions for you.

PUSH IN ON Jett. Nodding.
Faking nonchalance. Badly.

They Shoot Lawyers, Don't They?

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Thursday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 32 of A Dish Best Killed, Haven goes the reading of her murdered husband's will, and tangles with his first wife, who's not happy that Haven's getting all his money ...


INT. LAW FIRM CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Haven sits alone at the end of
a long, long conference table.

At the other end are a trio
of STONE-FACED ATTORNEYS.

Also at the table are
Dart’s FIRST WIFE (80’s),
a haggard-looking
vulture of a woman.
Beady eyes flickering.

Needless to say, the air
is thick with anticipation.

Haven picks up a
cut-glass goblet of water.
Takes a tiny sip.

HAWK-NOSED ATTORNEY
(reading from the will)
-- and I bequeath my entire
estate to my second wife, Haven.

Haven blinks rapidly.
The slightest trace
of a smile cracks.

Nasty First Wife BANGS
the table with her fist.

NASTY FIRST WIFE
That’s NOT FAIR.
I was with him for FIFTY YEARS.
I was there when we was STARVING.

HAWK-NOSED ATTORNEY
Quiet, please.

NASTY FIRST WIFE
(stands, SLAPS the table)
NO! I will NOT be QUIET!
There must be some MISTAKE!
(points)
There’s no way in HELL he
left all his money to that WHORE!

Haven stares at her.
Blank-faced.

OILY ATTORNEY
Please, Ma’am. I don’t
want have to call security.

Nasty PULLS OUT her chair.
RACES over to Haven.

Oily picks up the phone.
Speaks softly into it.
Nods. Hangs up.

NASTY FIRST WIFE
(gets in Haven’s face)
HARLOT. SLUT. You just
married him for his MONEY.

HAVEN
Get the fuck out of my
face, you old bag.

NASTY FIRST WIFE
(spits on Haven’s face)
Fucking CUNT.

Haven JUMPS UP. SMACKS
Nasty on the face, HARD.

A pair of BEEFY SECURITY GUARDS
race in. GRAB her.

NASTY FIRST WIFE (CONT’D)
Let GO OF ME.
You CAN’T DO THIS.

HUGE SECURITY GUARD
I’m afraid you’re going
to have to come with us.

The guards drag her out,
KICKING and SCREAMING.

Haven takes out a handkerchief.
Wipes her face.

HAVEN
I’m sorry for that --
outburst a moment ago.
I, I -- lost my temper.

HAWK-NOSED ATTORNEY
I think you showed
remarkable restraint.

OILY ATTORNEY
Indeed. I thought you were
going to deck the bitch.

PUSH IN ON Haven.
The barest hint of a smile.

HAVEN
I can’t imagine what
he ever saw in her --

A Big Stiff One

Happy Fridy, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 31 of A DISH BEST KILLED, Haven hides inside her houseboat while homicide detective Cal Seely snoops around outside, then calls Jett to coordinate their escape ...


EXT. MARINA SLIP - HOUSEBOAT - NIGHT
All lights out on the Safe Haven.
The boat looks ominous. Spooky.
Slowly bobbing in the water.

Cal Seely and Dr. Bing
stand on the dock.
Looking at it.

CAL
Thanks for coming
on such short notice.

DR. BING
Sure, sure -- but she’s not home.

Cal squints at the boat.
Chews on his unlit cigar.

CAL
She could be asleep.

DR. BING
Then why bother her now?

CAL
Element of surprise.

DR. BING
So -- you suspect her?

CAL
Insulin pump didn’t malfunction.
(puffs)
Battery was dead.

DR. BING
But she said she changed --

CAL
Exactly.

INT. THE SAFE HAVEN - MASTER BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Haven kneels in front of the window.
Slowly pulls back the curtain a tiny bit.
Peers out.

HAVEN
(sees them outside)
Shit. Fuck. Goddammit.

She goes to the mini bar.
Pours a stiff one.

Grabs a prescription bottle.
Shakes out a couple pills.

Gulps them down. Chases it
with a slug of her drink.

She pulls out her cell phone.
PUNCHES a number. Listens.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Hey, it’s me.
(listens)
It’s done?

The doorbell RINGS.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Shit --
(listens)
It’s fucking Dr. Bing
and that fat fucking cop --
(listens)
All the lights are off --
(listens)
No, it’s too dangerous.
Who knows how long
they’ll be out there.
Just sit tight.
I’ll call you tomorrow
after I go to the bank.

The doorbell RINGS again.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
I’m gonna have a bubble bath,
listen to my Ipod.
If they come in, I’ll say
I couldn’t hear the doorbell
with the music on.
(listens)
Yeah. We’re almost there.
(listens)
Me too, baby.
Straight down the line.

PUSH IN on Haven.
Eyes burning with fire.

The Way We Were

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 30 of A DISH BEST KILLED, Jett and Rush take Trimmer's dead body out to sea in his boat to dispose of it, but then Jett has cruel surprise for Rush ... and kills him, too ..


EXT. OCEAN - SHERIFF’S BOAT - NIGHT
Jett wears Trimmer’s uniform.
Pilots the boat through the choppy water.

Rush looks out into the horizon.
The boat ZIPS across the waves,
THUMPING on each crest.

She pulls the boat to a stop.
Looks back the coastline.

JETT
This is far enough, c’mon.

She goes to the back of the boat.
Rush follows.

We see Trimmer’s body,
rolled up in a tarp.
Tied to the anchor.

Jett grabs one end of the body.
Rush, the other.

JETT (CONT’D)
On the count of three --

They slowly swing it back and forth --

JETT (CONT’D)
One -- two --
(beat)
THREE.

And THROW it over the side. SPLASH.

JETT (CONT’D)
Goodbye, asshole.

Rush pulls out a small glassine bag
filled with white powder.

He scoops out a hit
with a long fingernail.

INHALES it. Sniffs.
Looks out into the horizon. Pensive.

RUSH
Sometimes I wish things could
go back to the way they were.
(looks at Jett)
Ever feel that way?

JETT
Are you kidding? Trapped in
that fucked-up small town?
Dealing drugs.

Always looking over our shoulder.
Getting the fuck out of Kansas
was the best thing we ever did.
(weird laugh)
Just look at us now.

RUSH
We were good together for awhile --
you know? We had a lot of fun.

JETT
Oh, yeah. Three-day binges.
Knocking off convenience stores.
Eating out of dumpsters.
Misty water-colored memories.
(beat)
I know what I want now, Rush.
You should figure that out, too.

RUSH
I told you, I’m bi.

JETT
So that’s why you sexually
assaulted a customer.

RUSH
Shut up. I told you,
he came on to ME.
And he was more than a customer,
we were friends.

JETT
Then why did he try to KILL you?

RUSH
So I got carried away. I was high.
How was I supposed to know he had a gun?
(beat)
If you weren’t there to --

JETT
That was a long time ago.
I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.
(beat)
Can I get a hit of that?

RUSH
(hands her the bag)
Sure.

JETT
Can I borrow your keys?

Rush hands her his keys.
Jett dips one in the bag,
HONKS up a big, fat hit. SKRRRRONK.

Rubs her nose.
Puts the bag in her pocket.
Pulls out her GUN.

RUSH
What are you doing?

JETT
I’m sorry, Rush.
But it’s gotta be this way.
(laughs)
Did you really think I was gonna
share our fucking MONEY with you?
You didn’t do anything to HELP. NOTHING.
You’re a fucking LEECH, a LOSER --

RUSH
Don’t SAY THAT.

JETT
A STALKER, and a fucking DRUG ADDICT.

RUSH
NO!

Rush LEAPS at her. Jett WHACKS
him on the head with her gun. CRACK.
Rush FLIES back against the railing.

JETT
It’s the end of the line, sucker.
Time to sleep with the fishes.

Rush GRABS Jett. Tries to get her gun.
They STRUGGLE. He CHOKES her in a bear hug.
Jett DROPS it. Rush KICKS it away.

RUSH
Fucking DYKE!

Jett LOSES IT. With insane,
animal, meth-fueled strength,
she FLINGS his arms away.

SPINS him around. GRABS him,
FLIPS him up, and TWIRLS him
over her head like a toy.

JETT
HA-HA-HA-HA! How do you like THIS?

RUSH
NOOOOOO --

And THROWS him over the side. SPLASH.

Jett shakes her head.
Rushing on the drugs.
Eyes darting madly.

She walks over.
Picks up the gun.
Goes to the wheel.

JETT
Sorry, officer.
Didn’t know my own strength.
(laughs)
All ashore who’s going ashore --