Have Blonde, Will Travel

Happy Friday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of RIGGEWAY, Cate and her dog Bobby say goodbye to the beach in Marina Del Rey, then pile into her car and head off to their new home in the Ozark Mountains, but then get stuck in a typical LA traffic jam ...


EXT. MARINA DEL REY JETTY - EARLY MORNING
Gorgeous sunrise over the ocean.
Seagulls and pelicans fly the beautiful skies.

A hundred-yard cement walkway with a chrome railing
juts past the shoreline out into the sea.

Cate stands at the end with Bobby.
Looks at the coastline, deep in thought.

This is the last time she’ll
see this view in a long time.
Almost surprised she feels nothing.

CATE
Ready?

Bobby looks at her. Pants happily.
They start walking back.

INT. CATE’S GARAGE - EARLY MORNING
Cate walks to her car.
We see the back seat is filled to the brim.

She opens the passenger-side door.
Bobby jumps in.

INT. CATE’S CAR - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Out the window, we see the canal,
lined with airbrushed McMansions.
Cate shoves a cassette into the stereo.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
(electronic)
Regent Audio Books presents
‘Have Blonde, Will Travel,’
by Carrie Love, read by Friday Foster.

Cate smiles. Cracks the window.
Grabs a smoke. Fires it up.

FRIDAY FOSTER (V.O.)
The body was lying on the
bathroom floor in a pool of blood,
a pair of scissors sticking
out of it’s neck --

EXT. WASHINGTON BOULEVARD - DAY
One of LA’s patented traffic clusterfucks.
Cate’s car is stuck in a motionless
sea of SUV’s, Beamers and Benzes.

IN THE CAR
Cate sighs. She was anxious to
get the hell out of Dodge,
but now has to wait for
the wagons to start moving.

IN MONTAGE:
Cate’s red Toyota on the Ten Freeway
heading east. Passing downtown LA.
Then East LA. Then scrub brush in the desert.

EXT. REST STOP - DAY
A cement block in the middle of nowhere.
Hundred-degree heat shimmers off the pavement.

Cate pulls in and parks. Gets out.
The scorching blast punches her in the gut.

CATE
Holy shit.

She lets Bobby out.
Takes him to a nearby spigot.

Fills his bowl with water.
Watches him hungrily lap it up.

Looks around at the desolate landscape.
Miles and miles of nothing.
She could be on Mars.

CATE
What the fuck have I done?

A Fresh Start

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of RIDGEWAY, Kate's friend Roberta suggests she move to Arkansas to be with her online girlfriend Kayla after she gets evicted, after which she breaks the news to Kayla, who's thrilled ...


EXT. VENICE BUNGALOW - DAY
Sunlight dapples a tiny house
on a leafy avenue full of
similar beige blocks of stucco.
KIDS play across the street.

An oldish red Toyota convertible
is parked in the narrow driveway.
Bumper sticker reads EAT, PRAY, FUCK.

Welcome to Venice, California.
Not the hot chicks roller-blading
on the boardwalk in short-shorts
version as seen on TV.
David Duchovny never stayed here.

INT. VENICE BUNGALOW - KITCHEN - DAY
Cozy and cluttered with
a big, crude wood table.

Sink and counter tops filled with dishes.
Oversized primitive art on the walls.
A tiny stereo plays French pop music.

Cate sips a glass of wine,
watching ROBERTA (50) cook.

She’s a sturdy Italian with a shock
of dark hair and an attractive, lived-in face.
Salt of the earth, with a dash of pepper.

ROBERTA
So it was also no good?

CATE
Well, it was an RV, much bigger
than the trailer in Malibu,
but it was pretty disgusting.
And when he showed me how to
hook up the water, electric and propane,
I realized how complicated it is.
I can’t hook all that up
in your driveway.

ROBERTA
About that --`
(off Cate’s look)
Roberto’s coming home from
Italy after his surgery,
and things aren’t going to be the same.

CATE
He’s gonna be convalescing --

ROBERTA
I’m sorry.

Cate takes a big hit of wine.
Fighting back tears.

ROBERTA (CONT’D)
Why don’t you go stay with your
online girlfriend until the money
from the script comes in?
Then you can both move back here together.

CATE
You mean -- move to Arkansas?

ROBERTA
You said she invited you --

CATE
Yeah. I thought it was crazy --
(thinks, then -- )
But that was before she came to visit.
(thinks)
I WAS gonna move her out here --
(considers it)
You know what?
That’s fucking brilliant.

ROBERTA
It makes sense.

CATE
I just pack up the car
and drive there with Bobby.

ROBERTA
A fresh start.

Cate beams. It lights up
her face like we haven’t seen.

CATE
A fresh start.

INT. KAYLA’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - NIGHT
Kayla sits at the kitchen table
in front of her computer.

A BIG FLUFFY ORANGE AND WHITE CAT
sits next to the mouse pad.

ON THE FLAT SCREEN
We see a Friendbook chat window.
A conversation scrolls down:

Cate:
And then I felt a huge weight lift.
I’ll just pack up the fucking car
and drive -- to YOU.

Kayla:
This is incredible. I’m so excited.

INT. CATE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Cate sits at her work station
typing on her laptop.

ON HER SCREEN

Cate:
When Roberta suggested it, I felt this
big weight lift off my shoulders.

Kayla:
What are you gonna do about all your stuff?

Cate:
Roberta’s gonna let me store
my books and movies in her garage.
I’m throwing away everything else.
As George Carlin said, ‘It’s just stuff.’

Kayla:
I’m can’t believe this is happening.
It’s a like a dream come true.

CATE
Lights a smoke. Smiles. Starts typing.

Cate:
The long nightmare is over.
And I’m bringing an ounce
of primo weed from Surfer Tom.

Kayla:
Wow. BIG love.

Cate:
BIGGER love, baby.

KAYLA
Smiles. Starts to type,
but the cat sits on her hand.

She tries to gently move it,
but it CLAWS at her, drawing blood.

KAYLA
OW --

Trailer For Sale Or Rent

Happy Friday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of RIDGEWAY, Kayla returns to her Ozark mountain home after a hard day of work, then chats with Cate online, who tells her when she has to evacuate her LA apartment ... and that she's going to check out a mobile home to live in.


EXT. VICTORIAN HOUSE - NIGHT
A faded Victorian home
on a cracked mountain top road.

Cheerfully painted orange
with red and yellow trim.

A BLACK CAT stares
ominously out the window.
Watches a FOX trot by.
Then a faux vintage TROLLEY on wheels.

A BLUE BIRD lands in the bird bath.
This is your brain on rustic.

A CHUBBY RETARDED GIRL (20)
wearing thick glasses and a tiara
stands in the gravel driveway.

Slowly spins in a circle, arms outstretched,
smiling like some demented Eraserhead outtake.

Kayla trudges up the front walk.
Goes to the door.

Looks at Chubby Retarded.
Winces. Goes inside.

INT. CATE’S APARTMENT - DAY
Cate sits at an old workstation
working her laptop.

BOBBY, a black spaniel-retriever
mix sleeps at her feet.

ON THE SCREEN
We see a social media website.
A conversation scrolls down:

Kayla:
How was court?
Did you get the time you want?

Cate:
Yeah. Landlord gave me a month. Whoo-HOO.
(Found out they usually only give you a week.)
*Does crazy dance*

Kayla:
That’s great! How’s the trailer hunt going?

Cate:
Looking at one in Malibu at three. Wish me luck.
*sings* ‘Trailer for sale or rent -- ‘

Kayla:
You better get going.
‘Your date with destiny ... ‘

Cate:
Yeah. Just wanted to give you the good news.
Will report back later, skipper.

Kayla:
I’ll be here. Waiting for YOU.

CATE
Smiles. Starts typing.
The lights flicker, then GO OUT.

CATE
Aw, c’mon. Not again --

EXT. MALIBU BLUFF - DAY
A small TRAILER parked at the
top of a bluff in the dirt.

The view of the ocean is breathtaking.
The trailer, not.

A mobile home would be a mansion
in comparison. Whee-doggie.

A FOUR-WHEEL DRIVE PICKUP TRUCK
climbs up the hill and parks.

Cate and a SCARY, ACNE-SCARRED GUY
get out. Walk over to it.

CATE
This is -- really high up.

SCARY, ACNE-SCARRED GUY
Hauled it up from the other side.
No problem getting it down.
Acne-Scarred opens the door. They go in.

INT. SHITTY TRAILER - DAY
Beyond sad. A tiny, threadbare couch
in the ‘living room’ area with a
chipped table and a tiny, ancient TV.

The stained, ripped rug
completes the picture of domestic shame.

SCARY, ACNE-SCARRED GUY
TV goes with me.

Cate nods. Goes to the ‘kitchenette.’
Grimy would be a compliment.

Looks at the hose coming in
through the window.

SCARY, ACNE-SCARRED GUY (CONT’D)
Water’s not hooked up.
Run that from the house down the way.

CATE
Parking it in a friend’s driveway.
Guess I could do that.

INT. SHITTY TRAILER - BEDROOM - DAY
Just big enough for a small bed and night table.
Cate squats down below the low ceiling.
Examines the filthy carpet.

SCARY, ACNE-SCARRED GUY
You can have the table.

Cate nods. Goes back down to the kitchenette.
Opens a door on the other side, looks into --

INT. SHITTY TRAILER - BATHROOM - DAY
Beyond crappy. Pun intended.
A stack of junk is piled up
in the shower and on the tiny toilet.

A fly BUZZES around the
brackish water in the clogged sink.

SCARY, ACNE-SCARRED GUY
Gotta commode outside.
(off her look)
Don’t worry.
I’ll clean all that stuff out.

PUSH IN ON Cate’s face. In shock.

Make Art, Not War

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Black Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of RIDGEWAY, Echo Springs, Arkansas hipster jewelry artist Kayla Cross gets in the cross-hairs of her bossy coworker from hell. Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, unemployed screenwriter Kate Salinger is packing up all her earthly possessions after being evicted from her apartment at the beach ...


EXT. BOUTIQUE-GALLERY - DAY
A quaint shop on a steep, narrow,
winding main artery filled
with tiny tourist traps.
A handcrafted sign reads DREAMLAND.

A horse-drawn carriage CLIP-CLOPS
by carrying a FAT TOURIST COUPLE,
who marvel at the sights.

Welcome to Echo Springs, Arkansas,
AKA Little Switzerland.
Population two thousand.

Twenty percent gay,
forty percent artists.
A liberal oasis in a sea of red.

INT. DREAMLAND - CONTINUOUS
A cozy, airy joint stuffed with paintings,
furs, jewelry and high-priced art pieces.

Quiet, ethereal music
plays on hidden speakers.
Crunchy granola ambiance, ahoy.

A WOMAN (40’s) stands at the counter.
Pretty, with short, curly dark hair.

One long, lone tendril spins
down the side of her cheek
as if daring you to comment.
Make art, not war.

Meet KAYLA CROSS, self-proclaimed
punk mountain dyke.

Right now she’s making a necklace.
It’s exacting work, handling the tiny
jewelry pieces taking
all of her concentration.

The music stops. Insanely cheerful
REDNECK COUNTRY starts playing,
like some kinda Charlie Daniels from hell.

An extremely unattractive HEAVYSET WOMAN (50’s)
appears, big fake smile a counterpoint
to eyes full of scared shitless.

Meet VIVI TIDWELL.
Quite the vision in mom jeans,
gaudy cowboy boots and a
baby doll dress stretched over
a stained leotard that looks like
it’s gonna burst any minute.

VIVI
Not done yet?

KAYLA
(softly)
It’s a -- tricky piece.

VIVI
But you made the fifteen dollar
stuff so fast.

KAYLA
That’s because they
cost fifteen dollars.
(holds it up)
This sells for ninety-five.
See all the detail?
Takes a little longer.

VIVI
Well, hurry it up.
I need you to dust all
the glass before you leave.

KAYLA
But Sula asked me
to make a few of these.

VIVI
I could give a rat’s ass
what Sula wants.

KAYLA
But she owns the store.
Don’t you think I should --

VIVI
NO. I’M running the store --
and when I say I want you to clean,
you’re gonna clean, UNDERSTAND?

PUSH IN ON Kayla’s face. Terrified.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
An old, run-down,
baby vomit-colored shithole.

A wide, beautiful canal
runs by it on the left.

To the right, across the street,
is the beach.

Straight ahead in the distance
a sailboat glides by.
Water on three sides.

Welcome to the Marina Del Rey peninsula,
an oasis on the outskirts
of the city of devils.

Paradise found.
Then lost.

INT. CATE’S APARTMENT - DAY
It’s borderline hoarder time
in what once was a light,
airy room with a wall of windows,
now stuffed with crap.

Boxes filled with movies, books,
CD’s and clothes dot the joint.

Portrait of the writer
as being evicted.

Cate picks up a giant garbage bag.
Takes it outside.

IN THE DRIVEWAY
She carries it to the trash.

It suddenly BREAKS OPEN,
spilling several dozen shoes
onto the pavement.

CATE
Goddamn cheap fucking
Dollar Store bags.

Gets down on her knees.
Starts stuffing them
into the ripped bag.

Then slowly, carefully
carries it to the dumpster.

A platform shoe falls out.
Hits the pavement with a CLUNK.

Paradise City

Happy Friday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 2 of RIDGEWAY, Ozark Mountains newcomer Cate Salinger escapes from the cops by escaping down into a steep a ravine, but then gets chased by a vicious bear. We then flash back to her former life in Los Angeles, where we see her appear in court getting evicted from her apartment ...


EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - NIGHT
Tall stand at the intersection of
the mountain ridge and the uphill roads.

Hears the siren getting closer.
Then sees the cherry top FLASHING,
coming toward her.

She turns, RUNS into the woods --
just as a COP CAR comes
RACING up the steep incline.

EXT. MOUNTAIN SLOPE - NIGHT
Tall DASHES through the underbrush and trees.
Stops. Catches her breath. Looks around.
Listens to the crickets chirping.

Hears a twig SNAP. WHIRLS AROUND.
Sees a FAMILY OF DEER.

Momma, Poppa and two young ones.
Staring at her.

TALL WOMAN
(whispers)
Wow.

They DASH OFF into the darkness.

EXT. MOUNTAIN GORGE - NIGHT
Tall stands at the top of a gorge.
Looks down at the valley far below.

A woodpecker TAP-TAP-TAP-TAPS
like a machine gun.

TALL WOMAN (CONT’D)
SHIT.

She JUMPS, startled, then TUMBLES down the hill --
and CRACKS into a tree at the bottom.
Gets up. Brushes herself off.

Hears a low GROWL. A BLACK BEAR appears.
Flashes WHITE TEETH. Tall stiffens.
Shakes with fear. This ain’t Gentle Ben.

They stare at each other a long beat.
The beast suddenly REARS UP
on its hind legs, ROARS --

And starts CHASING her. She SCREAMS.
Starts climbing the tree like she’s on fire.

GRABS at a branch above her, but it SNAPS off.
The beast SWIPES at her with a meaty paw.

She tries to WHACK it with the branch,
but it GRABS it away from her. GROWLS.

GRABS another branch. Pulls herself up --
just as the bear SINKS IT TEETH
into her boot. Tall CRIES OUT.

Thunder BOOMS. Lightning CRACKS.
It starts POURING RAIN.

EXT. COASTLINE - DAY
TITLE CARD reads: ‘THREE MONTHS EARLIER.’

Deep blue ocean.
White sandy beach.
Palm trees galore.
Sunshine so bright it hurts.

Another gorgeous day in paradise city
where the grass is legal
and the girls are shitty.

EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY
Your typical drab, seventies-era courthouse.
But this is Santa Monica, California,
so the HOMELESS PEOPLE lying on
the grass outside are well-fed
and sleeping peacefully.

LAWYERS, DEFENDANTS and PLAINTIFFS stream in.
Some smiling. Some frowning.
More than a few on the verge of tears.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY
Small. Plain. Filled with the dregs of society.
And that’s just the lawyers.

Welcome to Eviction Court, where all day,
every day, people find out
the date they lose their home.

Standing before the
STERN BUT CUTE FEMALE JUDGE (40’s)
is Tall Woman, who we recognize
from the opening scene.

Meet CATE SALINGER (50’s),
rakish in a black suit and hipster glasses.
Great-looking, but looks drained, stressed-out.

Standing next to her is her LANDLORD (80’s),
tall and skinny with a giant head like a lollipop --
and his LAWYER, a boisterous BIG GUY (50’s)
clutching a sheaf of papers.

STERN BUT CUTE FEMALE JUDGE
You’ve agreed to vacate
the premises August seventeenth.

CATE
Yes, your honor.

STERN BUT CUTE FEMALE JUDGE
Please get a conformed copy
of the judgement from the clerk.

Stern But Cute BANGS her gavel.
Landlord glares at Cate.

She fidgets. Looks down.
Not her finest hour.

Rocky Mountain Thigh

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 1 of RIDGEWAY, deep in the heart of the Ozark Mountains, a scared young woman is coerced into doing a hit for the Dixie mob ... for a price.


EXT. OZARK MOUNTAINS - DUSK
Fat white clouds poke
the deep blue sky.

Rolling green hills stuffed
with pine trees out
of a John Denver song.

A giant white statue of Jesus
stands at attention
on the mountain peak,
arms outstretched like
he’s gonna take a dive.

A narrow gravel road meanders
up the mountain to an old,
ramshackle cabin at the top.

Cue the banjo music.

A giant, brand-new red PICKUP TRUCK
comes BARRELING up the road
in a CRUNCH of gravel
like the rural archetype it is.

An ARMADILLO lazily
skitters across the rocks.

The truck ROARS by and SQUISHES it,
CRACKING its shell with a CRUNCH.

EXT. SHITTY MOUNTAIN CABIN - DUSK
At the top is a shack that looks
like it’d fall over if you sneezed.

The gravel road runs by it,
then disappears into a tunnel
of trees across the mountain ridge.

Dim light spills out
from behind dingy curtains.

The truck’s doors OPEN.
Out steps the DRIVER (60’s)
and a TALL WOMAN (50’s).

He’s got a big gut.
She’s quite the looker,
with a great rack.

INT. SHITTY MOUNTAIN CABIN - NIGHT
Dimly lit by a kerosene lantern.
Empty except for a KID (20’s)
tied to a chair. Badly beaten.

Covered in blood.
Mouth a ruined mess.
Teeth litter the floor.

Driver and Tall Woman walk in.
A BIG, BALD BRUTE in overalls
and a Ducky Dynasty beard
looks at Driver. Grins toothily.

BIG, BALD BRUTE
Finally told us.

Another MAN (30’S), intense-looking
with elaborate mutton chops
and gnarled eyebrows eyes Tall Woman.
Smacks his lips.

MUTTON CHOPS
Who’s the cunt.

DRIVER
New business associate.

Driver pulls a thick wad
of bills from his pocket.

DRIVER
Five grand. Like we agreed.

Her eyes light up.
She reaches for it --
but he snatches it away.

Pulls out a GUN.
Offers it to her.

DRIVER
First you gotta shoot this
piece of shit in the head.

TALL WOMAN
But what about --

DRIVER
This man stole from me.
Now he needs to pay the piper.
You want the fucking money or not?
(off her look)
You want to write my movie,
you gotta be IN my movie.
(holds up the cash)
Go a long way round here.

She looks at Bleeding Guy.
Then at Gnarled Eyebrows.

Then the money.
Takes the gun in trembling hands.

DRIVER
Atta girl.

Walks over to Bleeding.
Slowly raises it.
Looks at Driver.

He nods.
She takes a deep breath --

Takes aim -- and BANG,
SHOOTS him in the head.

Brains, skull and blood SPRAY the wall.
Driver tosses her the wad of bills.

DRIVER
She shoots, she scores.
(beat)
Londell sent you to get
the dirt on me.
Now you’re dirty.
(nasty grin)
You just did a hit for the Dixie mob.

A SIREN starts WAILING in the distance.

DRIVER
Whoops. Gotta go.
(winks)
Don’t spend it all
in once place now, ya hear?

***

Like Romeo And Juliet

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In the final chapter of A DISH BEST KILLED, Jett returns to the dive motel from the convenience store and discovers to her horror that Haven is burning their cash in the fireplace after learning about her shady past ...


INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT
The Wanted poster is up. But now Haven
has a mustache and a missing front tooth.
And Jett is in shades and a cowboy hat.

Like she is right now.
Walking in the door. The bell RINGS.

JETT
(tips her hat)
Evenin.’

She grabs a basket.
Starts going through the food aisles.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK
(wide-eyed)
Evenin.’

Jett goes to the beverage cooler.
Takes out a six-pack.
Brings her items to the counter.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK (CONT’D)
Looks like you’re fixing to
have yourself a late-night snack.

JETT
Yeah.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK
You must be stayin’ at
the Buccaneer down the way.

Jet nods. Retarded rings up the items.
Open-mouthed. Concentrating.
Placing each in a paper bag.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK (CONT'D)
That’ll be -- thirty-four dollars
and seventy-three cents, please.

Jett hands him some cash.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK (CONT’D)
Out of forty --
(hands her bills and coins)
Five dollars and twenty-seven
cents is your change.

Jett tosses the coins in
a big plastic cup marked TIPS.

JETT
(picks up the bag)
Thanks. Have a good night.

She heads toward the door.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK
You, too.
(after she’s out the door)
Give my best to your friend.

Retarded goes to the phone.
Dials. Listens.

MILDLY RETARDED CLERK (CONT’D)
I’d like to speak with the Sheriff, please.
This is Lonnie down at the Stop and Gulp?
(listens)
I wanna report that Bonnie and Bride
are holed up at the Buccaneer
Motor Court over here in Seal Beach.
(listens)
So when do I get that reward money?

PUSH IN ON Retarded.
Doing his duty. Excited.

INT. MOTOR COURT - BUNGALOW - MOMENTS LATER
Haven sits on the floor in front
of the fireplace in bra and panties.
Laughing. Crying. Makeup smeared. Hair a mess.

She’s THROWING fistfuls of money into the flames.
Jett walks in. Puts down the bag. Sees Haven.

JETT
What are you DOING?

Haven ignores her.
Tosses in another handful of bills.

JETT (CONT'D)
(races over)
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

Jett tries to grab money
out of the flames, GETS BURNED.

JETT (CONT’D)
OW, FUCK!

HAVEN
Careful, it’s hot.

Jett SLAPS Haven. She looks at
Jett, wild-eyed. Grimacing.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Your BOYFRIEND came to visit
while you were gone.

JETT
My boyfriend? What boyfriend?
I don’t have a fucking BOYFRIEND.
(small voice)
I’ve got -- you.

HAVEN
Rush? Rush Madder?
The one you said you took care of?

JETT
I did! I knocked him out
and threw him in the ocean!

HAVEN
Well, he must have swum to shore,
because he was just here.
(nasty)
And I gave him his cut.

JETT
HIS CUT?

HAVEN
He said a lot of interesting stuff.
Told me a lot of stories
about the two of you.
How you were dating back
home in Kansas, dealing drugs.
How he tried to rape a customer
while tweaked out on meth, a COP,
and how you killed the guy.
And then the pair of you
split for sunny California.

JETT
That was over a LONG time ago.

HAVEN
That’s not what RUSH said.

JETT
WHAT?

HAVEN
He said the two of you were gonna
bump me off and split with the money.

JETT
HE’S LYING. Haven, don’t you see --
he was making that up. I love YOU.

HAVEN
Then he saw the money, got greedy
and took half of it and split.
(slow, dreamy)
So I said fuck it.
There’s nothing left to live for.
So I started burning the rest of
the money, and now we BOTH have nothing.

She starts LAUGHING MANIACALLY.

JETT
Haven, he was LYING. He was --

Haven pulls out Jett’s REVOLVER.
Aims it at her.

HAVEN
Look what I found.

JETT
Haven. Put the gun down. Give it to me.

HAVEN
SHUT THE FUCK UP!

And she SHOOTS, wildly.
A bullet HITS Jett in the stomach.

JETT
HAVEN. You --

Jett looks down. A small red stain
appears on her white shirt.
Starts slowly growing.

JETT (CONT’D)
SHOT me.

HAVEN
I thought we could be
like Romeo and Juliet.
A tragic love story.

She pulls out Jett’s coke snifter.
Does a bump.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Man, that’s good shit. My mind has been
RACING thinking about what we could do.
Thought maybe we could set fire
to the cabin and go out in flames.
That would be dramatic, huh?
Right out of a movie.

Jett sits down next to Haven on the floor.
But she’s off somewhere, looking into the fire.

JETT
I love you, Haven. Listen to me.
He was LYING, you gotta BELIEVE ME.

But Haven is in her own little world.
Jett reaches over and tries to GRAB
the gun out of her hand. She SCREAMS.

HAVEN
NO!

They wrestle for control, Jett now weaker,
Haven on fire, almost an equal match.

The gun GOES OFF, BANG. A window SHATTERS.
Another BLAST. The TV set EXPLODES. A third, BANG.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Ow.

Haven SLUMPS over. Shot in the heart.

JETT
HAVEN! NO!

Jett freaks. GRABS Haven in her arms.
Holds on for dear life.

JETT (CONT’D)
Baby, it’s gonna be okay, it’s gonna be okay.

HAVEN
(a whisper)
You -- shot me.

JETT
I didn’t mean to. I was -- just --

A siren WHOOP-WHOOPS outside.

Haven looks. She’s starting to slip away. Eyelids heavy.

HAVEN
Looks like we have -- company.

Her flame flickers out. Gone.

JETT
Haven, NO -- baby -- NO, NO, NO, NO!

An ANGRY MALE VOICE comes over a bullhorn.

ANGRY MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Haven Crayce and Jett Targo,
this is the POLICE! We have you SURROUNDED!
Come out RIGHT NOW with your HANDS IN THE AIR!

Jett starts crying.
Puts the gun in her mouth.

Closes her eyes.
But she can’t do it.

ANGRY MALE VOICE (O.C.) (CONT'D)
This is your LAST CHANCE!
We have you SURROUNDED!
If you don’t come out right NOW,
we’re coming in AFTER you!

Jett goes to the window. Sees --

EXT. MOTOR COURT PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
A dozen SQUAD CARS. Lights blaring. Dozens of COPS,
SWAT, with hand guns, assault rifles, automatic weapons.
Half a dozen media trucks. REPORTERS. CREW. ONLOOKERS.

JETT
pulls away from the window. Holds her wound.
Looks around the room. Sees a GAS CAN.
Raises THE gun. Takes aim --

JETT
I’m so sorry, baby. It was gonna be so good.
We had it all.

And SHOOTS it. It EXPLODES in a massive fireball.
Burning money FLIES around in the air.

ANGRY MALE VOICE (O.C.)
COMMENCE FIRING!

The windows EXPLODE with bullets.
Shots BANG-BANG-BANG,
blasting HOLES in the walls.

Jett gets SHOT. She hits the floor, dying.
Looks at Haven. Flames licking at her body.
The peaceful look on her face.

JETT
But sometimes -- it just doesn’t work out.

EXT. MOTOR COURT BUNGALOW - CONTINUOUS
Everyone watches the house EXPLODE in a BALL OF FLAMES.
CAL SEELY stands next to his car. Shakes his head slowly.

DR. BING appears beside him. They nod at each other.
Look back at the fire.

DR. BING
I never did trust that dame.

From Brassiere To Eternity

Happy Friday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In the next to last chapter of A DISH BEST KILLED, Haven and Jett hide out from the cops in their secret beach dive motel, where they have a little carnal fun with a suitcase full of cash ...


INT. SHITTY BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Quaint and cute. Forty years ago.
Now, musty and well-worn.
Wooden furniture. Ancient TV.

An overstuffed couch facing a stone fireplace.
Typical shitty paintings of ships at sea.

Haven walks in, hefting a large briefcase,
followed by Jett, carrying their luggage.

HAVEN
Who knew eight-hundred grand was so HEAVY.

Jett drops the luggage with a BANG.

JETT
I thought I told you to pack light.

She goes to the fireplace. Gets a fire going.

HAVEN
Hey, a girl’s gotta have a change of outfits.
Don’t you want me to look sexy for you?

Jett walks over to her. Kisses her.

JETT
You’d look good in a burlap bag.

HAVEN
You know what I wanna do?

JETT
What.

HAVEN
Roll around in it.

JETT
Roll around in what?

Haven goes to the briefcase. Opens it.

HAVEN
The money. I wanna feel it on my skin.

She takes out a bundle.
RIPS off the tape. THROWS it in air.

It flutters down like confetti.
Haven SQUEALS with joy.

JETT
You think you should do that?
What if somebody comes by?

HAVEN
No one’s coming.
We’re all alone, and it’s late.
C’mon, it’s FUN.

Haven takes out two more.
RIPS them open. TOSSES them.

HAVEN (CONT'D)
Wheeeeee!

She twirls in the fluttering
bills like a dancer.

Jett stares. Takes some money.
RIPS it open. THROWS it.

They both start LAUGHING MADLY.
A storm of cash RAINS down on them.
Haven stops. SHRIEKS --

And strips off her dress.
Glorious in lingerie and heels.

The vixen gets down on the carpet
and ROLLS AROUND in it.
Jett showers her with more cash.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Fuck me, BEN FRANKLIN.

Jett takes off her boots. Her jeans.
Then joins Haven on the money-covered
rug in front of the roaring fire.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
We made it, baby.
There’s nobody else in the world.

JETT
And you’re mine. All mine.
(beat)
There’s nobody else.

And they start making love, like animals.
Jett BITES Haven’s throat. She CRIES OUT.

Bonnie And Bride

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 37 of A DISH BEST KILLED, murderous lovers on the run Haven and Jett hole up in a seedy beach-side motel. Meanwhile, homicide detective Cal Seely and his crew tighten the noose around them ...


EXT. COUNTY ROAD - CONTINUOUS
The pickup FLIES down the road.
Behind them, a DODGE DART SWINGER
pulls out of the bushes,
and ROARS after them.

INT. SHERIFF’S MUSTER ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Your typical shitty institutional
municipal squad room.

Cal Seely stands at a lectern
in front of a dozen UNIFORMED OFFICERS
and a handful of PLAINCLOTHES DETECTIVES.

CAL
We’ve put out an APB.
All regional airports,
bus stations and trains
are being watched.
The highway patrol is on it.
And we’ve alerted the media,
who is calling them Bonnie and Bride.

A smattering of chuckling.

CAL (CONT’D)
This isn’t a fucking JOKE.
We need to FIND them,
and find them NOW.
This is front page news, people.
I want you to fucking
take apart that whore’s boat,
and that fucking dyke’s apartment --
and find out where
the fuck they’ve gone.
(beat)
Do I make myself clear?

EXT. MOTOR COURT - NIGHT
A foghorn BLEATS somewhere off the coast.
A dense FOG has rolled in from the ocean.

Lights look blurry, fuzzy.
There’s a sharp, damp,
pungent chill in the air over --

THE BUCCANEER.
A small motor court motel
across the street from the beach.

A deserted area far away
from the touristy crap.

A small semi-circle of
shitty bungalows face the water.

The middle one has a sign
that reads OFFICE. VACANCY.

Jett’s pickup pulls up
behind it and stops.

INT. PICKUP TRUCK - CONTINUOUS
Jett shuts off the ignition.
Slips on a cowboy hat. Shades.

HAVEN
I like the hat.
Makes you look -- rugged.

JETT
Let me check in by myself.
You’re too -- memorable.

HAVEN
That sounds like a
line from something.

JETT
From our life, baby face.

INT. MOTOR COURT OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
A plump BUCK-TOOTHED WOMAN
sits at the desk reading
a true crime magazine.
Riveted. Slowly eating potato chips.

Jett comes in quietly.
Closes the door behind her.

JETT
Evenin’. Mighty cold out there.

BUCK-TOOTH
It’s the fog.
Cold and wet it is.

She smiles strangely.
This bulb is definitely low-wattage.

JETT
Can I get a cabin for the night?

BUCK-TOOTH
Sure thing. Got one left.
But the heater’s broke.
Got a fireplace, though.

JETT
How much?

BUCK-TOOTH
(hands her a key)
Fifty bucks.
Check out is at eleven.

JETT
(takes it)
Mighty obliged.

BUCK-TOOTH
How can you see in those shades?
It’s night-time, mister.

PUSH IN ON Jett. Delighted.

Trailer Trash Heaven

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 36 of A DISH BEST KILLED, now that the cops know what car they've escaped in, Haven and Jett trade their Cadillac getaway vehicle for a redneck's old truck ...


EXT. TRAILER PARK - DUSK
Jett sits behind the wheel
of an old Ford pickup truck,
playing with the wires
under the steering wheel column.

They SPARK.
The engine ROARS to life.

JETT
Like riding a bicycle.

The barrel of a SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN
is placed against Jett’s temple.

A GIANT REDNECK leans
into the window. Sneers.

GIANT REDNECK
What the fuck do you
think YOU’RE DOING?
Get the fuck outta MY TRUCK.

JETT
Easy now.

Jett opens the door. Slides out.
Starts to raise her hands --

GIANT REDNECK
What I don’t get is why you’d
wanna steal this piece-a crap.

And WHIPS OUT her REVOLVER.
JAMS it in his crotch.

JETT
We’re swapping rides, big fella.
Gotta problem with that?
(CLICK)
See that Cadillac over there?

The redneck looks at the Caddy.

GIANT REDNECK
You wanna trade my
truck for the CADDY?
Are you fuckin’ CRAZY?

JETT
Something like that.
(nods)
Go ahead, check ‘er out.
Keys are in the ignition.

Redneck breaks into a big ‘ol
rotten-toothed grin.

GIANT REDNECK
Take your piece outta my pants,
and you got yourself a deal.

EXT. COUNTY ROAD - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER
The truck ROARS down
the gravel road.

HAVEN
You see the look on his face?
He just died and went
to trailer trash heaven.
He’s probably jerking off
in it right now.

JETT
I think we should hole up
somewhere for the night.
I’d rather cross the
border in the morning,
when there’s more traffic.

HAVEN
Ooh. I love the
sound of 'holing up' --

Leave The Driving To Us

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 35 of A DISH BEST KILLED, Haven and Jett hear on the car radio that the cops have issued a warrant for their arrest and are out on the roads looking for them, so Jett pulls off the freeway into a trailer park, looking for a new set of wheels ...


INT. HAVEN’S CADILLAC - MOVING - DUSK
Coltrane’s I’M OLD FASHIONED
bops on the car stereo.

Haven drives. Jett looks out
the window, lost in thought.

JETT
(reading a sign)
We’ll be in Long Beach soon.

The song ends.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
That was John Coltrane,
and I’m Old Fashioned.
Guess I’m kinda old fashioned, too --
(beat)
I was just handed a special bulletin
from our news department.
Police have issued arrest warrants
for Haven Crayce and Jett Targo
in connection with three
murders in Marina Del Rey.
Both women are in their mid-twenties,
and were last seen in
a red 1968 Cadillac convertible.
If you see these women,
please contact your local
police precinct immediately.
(beat)
Well, now, if I was
a fugitive from the law,
I can’t think of a better
ride than a classic Caddy.
This next one’s dedicated to you.
A little Miles. SO WHAT.

Miles Davis’ trumpet mourns softly.

JETT
Pull off the road at the next exit.

HAVEN
Why?

JETT
Because we gotta get a NEW CAR.

HAVEN
We’re gonna buy a new car?

JETT
Hell, no -- we’re gonna STEAL ONE.

A SIGN READS
Seal Beach. 15 miles.

JETT (O.C.) (CONT'D)
Turn here. This is perfect.

EXT. MAIN STREET - SUNSET
They drive toward the beach,
a gorgeous sunset ahead of them
in the sky above the ocean.

JETT
I haven’t been here in years.

HAVEN
You’ve been here before?

JETT
Yeah, a lifetime ago.
(beat)
Turn right here.
I got an idea.

EXT. TRAILER PARK - MOMENTS LATER
The sun has almost set.
The car pulls into a trailer park.

An old, wooden sign reads
SEAL BEACH ESTATES.

INT. HAVEN’S CADILLAC - MOVING
The car inches by a row of mobile homes.

JETT
Pull up to the end and park.

Haven does. Stops the car.

HAVEN
So what now?

JETT
Well, I’m thinking that
someone who lives here,
no matter what they drive,
they’re not gonna mind
trading it for a vintage Caddy,
keys in the ignition,
all wrapped up in a nice, big bow.

HAVEN
Ooh. You are GOOD.

The Big Bounce

Happy Friday the 13th, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 34 of A DISH BEST KILLED, homicide dick Cal Seely shows up at Haven's houseboat with a warrant for her arrest ... but she's on the lam with Jett, cruising up the coast in her Cadillac convertible ...


EXT. HOUSE BOAT - REAR DECK - DUSK
Cal stands at the rear door.
KNOCK-KNOCKS loudly.

CAL
Mrs. Crayce. It’s Detective Seely.
(KNOCKS again)
Haven Crayce, Detective Seely.
I have a search warrant.

He peers in the window. Sighs.
Pulls a pick out of his pockets.
Works it. The knob CLICKS.

INT. THE SAVE HAVEN - CONTINUOUS
Cal walks around, looking.
Touching surfaces. Inspecting.

CAL
(to himself)
Nola Bliss could have walked
in on them, surprised them.

Cal walks over to the bar.
Picks up a glass. Squints at it.

CAL
Real crystal.

He walks over to the case
with the Oscar in it.
Sees a cracked glass panel.

CAL
She walked in on them --
(leans down)
While they were --
(sees something)
BLOOD.

Cal straightens up.
Massages the small of his back.

CAL
It’s right out of
one of his movies.
They were in the process
of killing Dart Crayce --
and they had to shut her up.
(beat)
So who the fuck is Rush Madder?

His cell phone RINGS.
He fishes it out. Listens.

CAL
Seely.
(listens)
One of Targo’s clients?
(listens)
In the meat freezer?
(listens)
Yeah, someone would have to be
pretty fucking strong to do THAT.

EXT. JETT’S APARTMENT BUILDING - DRIVEWAY - DUSK
Some sleazy 60’s go-go
classic on the car stereo.

Haven sits behind the wheel.
Jett tosses a suitcase in the back seat.
JUMPS IN. Haven beams. Excited.

HAVEN
Hey, baby.

JETT
Hey, yourself.

HAVEN
Let’s blow this popsicle stick.

JETT
(laughs)
Popsicle stand. You are too cute.

Haven pulls out of the driveway.
GUNS the engine.

HAVEN
I’m a hell of a lot
more than CUTE, doll.
And don’t you forget it.
(cocks an eyebrow)
You ready to go all the way?
Do whatever it takes?

JETT
It’s just you and me baby,
together forever,
right down the line.
(beat)
Whatever it takes.

Haven puts her hand on Jett’s.

HAVEN
I’ve been going nuts without you.

Slides it up toward
the hem of her miniskirt.

Caressing her milky white thigh.
Trembling with tactile pleasure.

HAVEN
I can’t stop thinking about
what it’s gonna be like when
we’re finally alone together.

Jett reaches up, up, up, up --

HAVEN
I’ve missed your touch --

Jett finds the prize.
Magic fingers do their work.

HAVEN
OMIGOD --

And she SCREAMS with pleasure.
JERKS the steering wheel.

The car FISHTAILS on the pavement.
Jett GRABS the wheel.
Keeps working her special gift.

HAVEN
I’m gonna --
(beat)
AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

And, as she reaches an
earth-shattering crescendo,

CAMERA pulls back,
swings out the rear window,
where we see --

A CAR
following them. A beat-up,
old Dodge Dart Swinger.

BEHIND THE WHEEL
is RUSH. Grim. Determined.

RUSH
Think you can kill me
that easily, BITCH?

Hit & Run Holiday

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 33 of A DISH BEST KILLED, after Haven empties her dead husband's bank account, she and Jett plan their getaway in her vintage Cadillac convertible ...


EXT. CADILLAC CONVERTIBLE - DAY
A ‘68 model in candy apple red
with a black leather interior.

The kind I’ll be able to afford
when I sell this screenplay.

Haven drives up Via Marina
with the top down in
shades and a big scarf,
the wind WHIPPING her hair.
She talks on her cell.

HAVEN
Calm down, calm down.
They don’t have anything.

INTERCUT WITH:

EXT. JETT’S APARTMENT BUILDING - ROOF DECK - CONTINUOUS
Jett paces, sips from a bottle of beer.
Talks on her cell.

JETT
But they towed his CAR.
They found -- her.

HAVEN
But he’s -- gone.

JETT
I know, I know, it’s just --
he knows something.
I can feel it.
(beat)
We gotta get the
fuck out of Dodge.
What happened at the
reading of the will?

HAVEN
It’s all mine, baby.
Lock, stock and two smokin’ million.

JETT
And the cash?
HAVEN
I just left the bank.
(smiles)
Got eight-hundred thousand
under the hood.
That’s what I call horsepower.

JETT
You took out ALL of it?
Didn’t we agree it would be
a good idea to leave --

HAVEN
Change of plan, baby.
I closed the account.
Told them I was leaving the country.
Needed to start over, a new life.

JETT
Leaving the country?

HAVEN
We’re going to Mexico.
Find a place on the beach
where it’s warm all the time and
it’s running hot and cold Margaritas.

JETT
(looks)
I see your car.
I’ll be right down.

She pulls out a snifter.
HONKS up a bump. Grimaces.

JETT
(to herself)
Guess it’s time for
a hit and run holiday --

A Big Stiff One

Happy Friday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 33 of A DISH BEST KILLED, homicide detective Cal Seely grills murderous lesbian personal trailer Jett Targo about where she was the night she killed her lover's husband Dart Crayce, and her little person neighbor Nola Bliss ...


INT. JETT’S APARTMENT - AT THAT MOMENT
Cal Seely stands in the doorway.
Jett holds open the door.

CAL
Jett Targo?

JETT
Uh-huh.

CAL
Cal Seely, Sheriff’s office, homicide.
I’d like to come in and
ask you a few questions.
(beat)
If you don’t mind.

JETT
No, no -- not at all.
Come in.

He lumbers into the
large studio apartment.

CAL
Thanks.
(looks around)
Nice and airy.
Must cost a fortune,
being right on the canal.

JETT
(bad fake laugh)
You’re not kidding.
(beat)
Can I get you anything --
some water?

CAL
No, thanks.
I’m fine.

Jett sits on the couch.
Smiles hopefully.

JETT
Have a seat.

CAL
No can do.
Back is in spasm.
If I sit, I might not
be able to get up again.
(strange laugh)
And I’m sure you don’t want
a dick stuck in your house.

JETT
Uh, no --

CAL
Did you know a woman by
the name of -- Nola Bliss?

JETT
She’s, uh -- the neighbor
of one of my clients,
Haven Crayce.

CAL
Was the neighbor.

JETT
Was?
You mean something --
happened to her?

CAL
Nothing 'happened' to her.
She was murdered.
We found her body in the
trunk of a car that was towed --
(pulls out a notebook)
Belonging to a man by
the name of Rush Madder,
from Long Beach.
(beat)
You know him?

JETT
No, sorry.
Never heard of him.

CAL
Funny.
The car was parked right
down the street from here.

JETT
Huh.
(beat)
Small world.

CAL
Where were you on
the night of the 25th?

JETT
Uh -- that was Tuesday, right?
(off his nod)
I was home, watching a movie.

CAL
What movie?

JETT
A Dish Best Killed.

CAL
How ironic.

JETT
Ironic?

Pause.

CAL
Thanks for your time.
(gives her his card)
Here’s my number.
Give me a call if
you remember anything.
(beat)
And please don’t leave town.
I might have some more --
questions for you.

PUSH IN ON Jett. Nodding.
Faking nonchalance. Badly.

They Shoot Lawyers, Don't They?

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Thursday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 32 of A Dish Best Killed, Haven goes the reading of her murdered husband's will, and tangles with his first wife, who's not happy that Haven's getting all his money ...


INT. LAW FIRM CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Haven sits alone at the end of
a long, long conference table.

At the other end are a trio
of STONE-FACED ATTORNEYS.

Also at the table are
Dart’s FIRST WIFE (80’s),
a haggard-looking
vulture of a woman.
Beady eyes flickering.

Needless to say, the air
is thick with anticipation.

Haven picks up a
cut-glass goblet of water.
Takes a tiny sip.

HAWK-NOSED ATTORNEY
(reading from the will)
-- and I bequeath my entire
estate to my second wife, Haven.

Haven blinks rapidly.
The slightest trace
of a smile cracks.

Nasty First Wife BANGS
the table with her fist.

NASTY FIRST WIFE
That’s NOT FAIR.
I was with him for FIFTY YEARS.
I was there when we was STARVING.

HAWK-NOSED ATTORNEY
Quiet, please.

NASTY FIRST WIFE
(stands, SLAPS the table)
NO! I will NOT be QUIET!
There must be some MISTAKE!
(points)
There’s no way in HELL he
left all his money to that WHORE!

Haven stares at her.
Blank-faced.

OILY ATTORNEY
Please, Ma’am. I don’t
want have to call security.

Nasty PULLS OUT her chair.
RACES over to Haven.

Oily picks up the phone.
Speaks softly into it.
Nods. Hangs up.

NASTY FIRST WIFE
(gets in Haven’s face)
HARLOT. SLUT. You just
married him for his MONEY.

HAVEN
Get the fuck out of my
face, you old bag.

NASTY FIRST WIFE
(spits on Haven’s face)
Fucking CUNT.

Haven JUMPS UP. SMACKS
Nasty on the face, HARD.

A pair of BEEFY SECURITY GUARDS
race in. GRAB her.

NASTY FIRST WIFE (CONT’D)
Let GO OF ME.
You CAN’T DO THIS.

HUGE SECURITY GUARD
I’m afraid you’re going
to have to come with us.

The guards drag her out,
KICKING and SCREAMING.

Haven takes out a handkerchief.
Wipes her face.

HAVEN
I’m sorry for that --
outburst a moment ago.
I, I -- lost my temper.

HAWK-NOSED ATTORNEY
I think you showed
remarkable restraint.

OILY ATTORNEY
Indeed. I thought you were
going to deck the bitch.

PUSH IN ON Haven.
The barest hint of a smile.

HAVEN
I can’t imagine what
he ever saw in her --

A Big Stiff One

Happy Fridy, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 31 of A DISH BEST KILLED, Haven hides inside her houseboat while homicide detective Cal Seely snoops around outside, then calls Jett to coordinate their escape ...


EXT. MARINA SLIP - HOUSEBOAT - NIGHT
All lights out on the Safe Haven.
The boat looks ominous. Spooky.
Slowly bobbing in the water.

Cal Seely and Dr. Bing
stand on the dock.
Looking at it.

CAL
Thanks for coming
on such short notice.

DR. BING
Sure, sure -- but she’s not home.

Cal squints at the boat.
Chews on his unlit cigar.

CAL
She could be asleep.

DR. BING
Then why bother her now?

CAL
Element of surprise.

DR. BING
So -- you suspect her?

CAL
Insulin pump didn’t malfunction.
(puffs)
Battery was dead.

DR. BING
But she said she changed --

CAL
Exactly.

INT. THE SAFE HAVEN - MASTER BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Haven kneels in front of the window.
Slowly pulls back the curtain a tiny bit.
Peers out.

HAVEN
(sees them outside)
Shit. Fuck. Goddammit.

She goes to the mini bar.
Pours a stiff one.

Grabs a prescription bottle.
Shakes out a couple pills.

Gulps them down. Chases it
with a slug of her drink.

She pulls out her cell phone.
PUNCHES a number. Listens.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Hey, it’s me.
(listens)
It’s done?

The doorbell RINGS.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Shit --
(listens)
It’s fucking Dr. Bing
and that fat fucking cop --
(listens)
All the lights are off --
(listens)
No, it’s too dangerous.
Who knows how long
they’ll be out there.
Just sit tight.
I’ll call you tomorrow
after I go to the bank.

The doorbell RINGS again.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
I’m gonna have a bubble bath,
listen to my Ipod.
If they come in, I’ll say
I couldn’t hear the doorbell
with the music on.
(listens)
Yeah. We’re almost there.
(listens)
Me too, baby.
Straight down the line.

PUSH IN on Haven.
Eyes burning with fire.

The Way We Were

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In Chapter 30 of A DISH BEST KILLED, Jett and Rush take Trimmer's dead body out to sea in his boat to dispose of it, but then Jett has cruel surprise for Rush ... and kills him, too ..


EXT. OCEAN - SHERIFF’S BOAT - NIGHT
Jett wears Trimmer’s uniform.
Pilots the boat through the choppy water.

Rush looks out into the horizon.
The boat ZIPS across the waves,
THUMPING on each crest.

She pulls the boat to a stop.
Looks back the coastline.

JETT
This is far enough, c’mon.

She goes to the back of the boat.
Rush follows.

We see Trimmer’s body,
rolled up in a tarp.
Tied to the anchor.

Jett grabs one end of the body.
Rush, the other.

JETT (CONT’D)
On the count of three --

They slowly swing it back and forth --

JETT (CONT’D)
One -- two --
(beat)
THREE.

And THROW it over the side. SPLASH.

JETT (CONT’D)
Goodbye, asshole.

Rush pulls out a small glassine bag
filled with white powder.

He scoops out a hit
with a long fingernail.

INHALES it. Sniffs.
Looks out into the horizon. Pensive.

RUSH
Sometimes I wish things could
go back to the way they were.
(looks at Jett)
Ever feel that way?

JETT
Are you kidding? Trapped in
that fucked-up small town?
Dealing drugs.

Always looking over our shoulder.
Getting the fuck out of Kansas
was the best thing we ever did.
(weird laugh)
Just look at us now.

RUSH
We were good together for awhile --
you know? We had a lot of fun.

JETT
Oh, yeah. Three-day binges.
Knocking off convenience stores.
Eating out of dumpsters.
Misty water-colored memories.
(beat)
I know what I want now, Rush.
You should figure that out, too.

RUSH
I told you, I’m bi.

JETT
So that’s why you sexually
assaulted a customer.

RUSH
Shut up. I told you,
he came on to ME.
And he was more than a customer,
we were friends.

JETT
Then why did he try to KILL you?

RUSH
So I got carried away. I was high.
How was I supposed to know he had a gun?
(beat)
If you weren’t there to --

JETT
That was a long time ago.
I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.
(beat)
Can I get a hit of that?

RUSH
(hands her the bag)
Sure.

JETT
Can I borrow your keys?

Rush hands her his keys.
Jett dips one in the bag,
HONKS up a big, fat hit. SKRRRRONK.

Rubs her nose.
Puts the bag in her pocket.
Pulls out her GUN.

RUSH
What are you doing?

JETT
I’m sorry, Rush.
But it’s gotta be this way.
(laughs)
Did you really think I was gonna
share our fucking MONEY with you?
You didn’t do anything to HELP. NOTHING.
You’re a fucking LEECH, a LOSER --

RUSH
Don’t SAY THAT.

JETT
A STALKER, and a fucking DRUG ADDICT.

RUSH
NO!

Rush LEAPS at her. Jett WHACKS
him on the head with her gun. CRACK.
Rush FLIES back against the railing.

JETT
It’s the end of the line, sucker.
Time to sleep with the fishes.

Rush GRABS Jett. Tries to get her gun.
They STRUGGLE. He CHOKES her in a bear hug.
Jett DROPS it. Rush KICKS it away.

RUSH
Fucking DYKE!

Jett LOSES IT. With insane,
animal, meth-fueled strength,
she FLINGS his arms away.

SPINS him around. GRABS him,
FLIPS him up, and TWIRLS him
over her head like a toy.

JETT
HA-HA-HA-HA! How do you like THIS?

RUSH
NOOOOOO --

And THROWS him over the side. SPLASH.

Jett shakes her head.
Rushing on the drugs.
Eyes darting madly.

She walks over.
Picks up the gun.
Goes to the wheel.

JETT
Sorry, officer.
Didn’t know my own strength.
(laughs)
All ashore who’s going ashore --

In The Mood

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 29 of A DISH BEST KILLED, Haven has a 'me, too' moment when she fends off Trimmer's unwanted advances ... until Jett arrives on the scene ... and eliminates the problem.


EXT. MARINA DOCK - NIGHT
Jett and Rush appear, both rakish in black.
They approach the Safe Haven.

Look at Trimmer’s Sheriff’s patrol boat
anchored next to it.
Jett is amped. Eyes flashing.

JETT
That’s his boat.
(beat)
You go stay in the car, keep a lookout.

RUSH
What do I do if someone comes?

JETT
Call me. And stop them.

RUSH
Cool.
(pulls out a vial)
Wanna bump?

She nods. Takes it. Unscrews the cap.
Under it, a tiny spoon.

She shovels out a hit,
SNORTS it. Then, another.

PUSH IN ON Jett. Ready to go.

JETT
Places, please.

INT. THE SAFE HAVEN - MASTER BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Our star-crossed lovers are in bed.
Trimmer lies next to Haven.

Stroking her hair.
Haven pulls away. Pouts.

HAVEN
I’m not in the mood.

TRIMMER
Not in the MOOD?

HAVEN
I -- have a headache.

TRIMMER
Bullshit.

HAVEN
From all the stress. The cops,
the insurance people, my lawyer --

Like a cat, Trimmer moves on top of her.

TRIMMER
But its a great stress-reliever --

HAVEN
Trimmer, no -- I don’t want to --

TRIMMER
(pins her wrists down)
Who the fuck asked YOU?

HAVEN
Trimmer, don’t! Stop it!
You’re hurting me!

JETT (O.C.)
Get the fuck off of her, asshole --
and put your dick back in your pants.

JETT
walks into the room.
Pointing her REVOLVER at Trimmer.

JETT (CONT’D)
(wild-eyed)
DO IT. NOW.

TRIMMER
(whirls around, sees her)
YOU?

JETT
Deputy. Funny seeing you here.
Come here often?

Trimmer jumps out of bed.
Stands. Puffs out his chest.

TRIMMER
You can’t shoot me. I’m a cop.

JETT
You’re confusing me with
someone who gives a shit.

TRIMMER
(walks toward Jett)
Give me the gun.

Jett fires. BANG. BANG. BANG.
A trio of rose petals bloom
on Trimmer’s wife beater.
He looks down, in shock.

TRIMMER (CONT’D)
You fucking SHOT me.

He staggers. GRABS onto the side table.

JETT
Well, whaddaya know.

Haven LEAPS out of bed.
Goes to Jett. Gets behind her.

HAVEN
DIE, you fucking creep! DIE.

Trimmer slumps to the floor.
Pulls out his cell phone.

TRIMMER
Gotta -- call -- this in --

Jett FIRES again. BANG. BANG. BANG.
Trimmer’s head hits the wall with a THUD.
Lights out. Blood pools in the carpet.

JETT
You’ve been suspended from duty, officer.

She looks at Haven.
Bursts into WILD LAUGHTER.

HAVEN
You did it!

JETT
And it felt so GOOD.

Rush comes in. Out of breath.

RUSH
(to Jett)
I heard the shots. Is he -- you know.

HAVEN
Who are the fuck are YOU?
(to Jett)
Do you know this guy?

JETT
(to Rush)
I told you to stay in the car.
(to Haven)
It’s okay, he’s cool.
An old friend of mine from back home.

RUSH
Hey.
(holds his crotch)
Can I use the head?
I gotta take a wicked piss.

HAVEN
Down the hall, second door on your left.

Rush ambles away.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Jett?

JETT
It’s a long story.
Rush and I go way back.
He came to visit, and
I can’t get rid of him.
He followed me the night we --
you know, so now he wants in.
Wants a cut for keeping quiet.
I didn’t tell you because
I didn’t want you to --

HAVEN
You offered him a
CUT OF THE FUCKING MONEY?

JETT
No, of course not.
I just need his help with --
(points at Trimmer’s body)
This thing, and --
(whispers)
Then I’ll -- take care of him.

HAVEN
Goddammit, Jett.
(beat)
What can I do?

JETT
(looks at Trimmer)
Give me his uniform.

HAVEN
His uniform? Why do you want to --

PUSH IN ON Jett.
Unbuckling her belt.

JETT
Burial at sea.

Something Smells Fishy

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 28 of A DISH BEST KILLED, homicide detective Cal Seely starts closing in on Haven and Jett. Meanwhile, Haven secretly calls Jett to tell her their murderous plan is 'on' ...


INT. VENICE BOARDWALK - SMALL WORLD BOOKS - DAY
A bookworm’s delight. A cozy,
cluttered joint filled to the rafters.
Young, HIPSTER LOCALS wander the aisles.

And Cal Seely’s there, too.
He looks up at a section placard.

CRIME FICTION
he squints. Nods.
Starts going down the aisle.

Runs his fingers across the spines,
reading the authors.

He stops on one. Pulls it out.
Examines the back cover.

His cell phone RINGS.
Cal fishes it out. Flips it open.

CAL
Seely here.
(listens)
Chief. What’s up?
(listens)
With all due respect sir,
I think he’s full of shit.
(listens)
Of course I think he’s involved.
I think they both are.
Classic love triangle.
You ever see that movie --
(listens)
Yeah. That’s where I’m going next.
Fishing for DNA.
(beat)
Then I’m gonna check out
the personal trainer.
Something smells fishy.
(listens)
You’re a goddamn laugh-riot.
(listens)
Much.

He CLICKS the phone shut.
Looks at the book, turns it around,
revealing the title --

THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE.

INT. THE SAFE HAVEN - MASTER BEDROOM - LATER THAT EVENING
We hear a shower running
in the next room.

Haven sits on the bed,
casual in Juicy Couture.
Sipping a cocktail.

She grabs her cell phone.
PUNCHES a number. Listens.

HAVEN
(a whisper)
It’s me.
(listens)
It’s time.
(listens)
Okay.

A toilet FLUSHES.

TRIMMER
walks in the room.
Buckling his belt. Scowling.
She CLICKS the phone shut. Smiles.

TRIMMER
Who was that?

HAVEN
My mother.

TRIMMER
I thought you didn’t
get along with your mother.

HAVEN
I don’t. She hit me up for money.

TRIMMER
Then why are you smiling?

HAVEN
Cause I said NO --

A Hole In My Heart

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Fridaze. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 27 of A DISH BEST KILLED, Haven convinces Jett to kill sheriff's deputy Trimmer Waltz, revealing that he was blackmailing her ...


INT. FOOD TOWN - DAY
Rows of fresh fruit.
The joint’s all but deserted.

A SHOPPING CART appears.
It’s being pushed by Haven,
wearing huge sunglasses.

Another CART pulls up next to it,
pushed by Jett, also in shades,
and a baseball cap pulled down low.

HAVEN
Thanks for coming.

They start rolling
the carts down the aisle.

JETT
You wanted to talk. So talk.

HAVEN
I’ve missed you, Jett.
I’ve missed you so much.

JETT
You sure have a funny way of showing it.

HAVEN
What that’s supposed to mean?

Jett stops her cart.

JETT
(hisses)
Trimmer Waltz.
I saw you with him.
I know what’s going on.
What do you think I am,
a fucking patsy?
(to herself)
I don’t even know why I’m here.

HAVEN
Trimmer and I, we --
(beat)
It started off as innocent fun,
but it didn’t mean anything --
and then I lost interest,
and tried to call it off.

JETT
Yeah, right.

HAVEN
It’s true, listen to me.
He said if I stopped seeing him,
he was going to tell Dart about us.
(beat)
And then he came up with his -- plan.
And then I saw you on
the beach training people.
I was drawn to you.
(beat)
But what I didn’t expect --
was to -- fall for you.
And by then, it was -- too late.
(beat)
I fucked it all up, Jett. I’m sorry.
(beat)
So sorry.

Pause.

JETT
You expect me to believe that bullshit?

HAVEN
It’s the truth, Jett. I --

Haven lowers her shades.
Eyes full of tears.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
I need you, Jett.
I gotta hole in my heart
where you used to be.
If I can’t be with you,
I’d rather die.

JETT
But Trimmer, I saw you --

HAVEN
I told you, it’s OVER.
Trimmer’s an ASSHOLE.
He’s a PIG, he’s so full of himself --

JETT
And you just figured that out?

HAVEN
I’ve been dying without you, Jett.
I want things to be the way they were --
you and me against the world.
Forever and ever.
Willing to do whatever it takes.

Jett’s nose starts running.
She wipes it on the back
of her sleeve. Stares at Haven.

JETT
I don’t know, I --

Haven looks around anxiously.
She takes Jett’s hand.
Slowly guide it up her skirt. Shivers.

HAVEN
(whispers)
See how wet you make me?

JETT
I, I --

HAVEN
(pulls her close)
Remember those three days
we had all to ourselves?
It was so good.
The happiest I’ve ever been.
Can’t you see I’m in love with you?
(beat)
Don’t you -- want me anymore?

JETT
(a whisper)
I, I do.
(embraces her)
Of course I do.

They hug for a long moment.
A FEMALE SHOPPER (50’s)
wheels her cart past them.
Stares disapprovingly.

Haven pulls away.

HAVEN
So you know what we have to do.

JETT
What?

HAVEN
We have to make him -- go away.

A strange smile
flickers on Jett’s face.
She looks around.

Reaches in her jacket pocket.
Pulls out the REVOLVER.

JETT
You must be a mind-reader.

HAVEN
(sharp whisper)
Holy shit, put that away.

JETT
(pockets it)
So what’s the plan?

HAVEN
We need to act fast.
I’m going to the reading
of Dart’s will tomorrow,
and then I’m gonna take
all the money out of the bank.
So we gotta do it tonight.

JETT
Tonight?

HAVEN
Yeah. I’m meeting him
on the boat later for dinner.
You know, consoling the grieving widow.
I’ll call you after he gets
there, and then --

JETT
(points finger like a gun)
Hasta la vista, Deputy Waltz.

HAVEN
Yeah. And then we can be together.
We can go anywhere, do anything -- together.

JETT
Do whatever it takes.

PUSH IN ON Haven.
Lowering her shades.
Eyes full of fire.

HAVEN
Straight down the line --

Show Me Yours, And I'll Show You Mine

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 26 of A DISH BEST KILLED, Jett and Rush go to a seedy pawn shop on the wrong side of the tracks and buy an illegal firearm ...


EXT. PAWN SHOP - DAY
A shitty cinder block bunker
with bars on the windows
on the wrong end of
Lincoln Boulevard.
Se Hablo Espanole.

Jett and Rush
stand at the door.

Press the intercom button.
BUZZZZZZZZZ. They go in.

INT. PAWN SHOP - AT THAT MOMENT
Jett and Rush squint
in the darkness.

A HEAVYSET LATIN GUY
sits behind the counter.

He puts a wad of cash
in a strong box.
CLICKS it shut.

BEHIND THE COUNTER
we see he’s holding
a 9MM automatic.

HEAVYSET LATIN GUY
Hola, amigo.
What can I do for you today?

RUSH
You Luna?

LUNA
I’m Luna.

RUSH
You sell -- guns?

LUNA
(smiles)
Who told you that?

RUSH
Uh, guy named Ramirez,
down in Long Beach.
Big guy, like you,
rides with the
Los Muertos cycle club.
Customer of mine.

LUNA
What do you sell?

RUSH
(pulls out a vial)
Show me yours, and
I’ll show you mine.

Luna smiles broadly,
displaying rows of gold teeth.

LUNA
Ramirez, that fat fuck.
Why didn’t you say so?

INT. JETT’S CAR - MOMENTS LATER
Jett holds a 38 special
down low below the dashboard.
Stares at it, wide-eyed.

JETT
I like -- how it feels.

Rush points his
SERVICE REVOLVER
out the window.
Takes aim.

RUSH
Just like back home
shooting pigeons in the barn --

He squeezes the trigger. CLICK.

Like An Animal

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 25 of A DISH BEST KILLED, homicide dick Cal Seely grills sheriff's deputy Trimmer Waltz about the murder of retired film director Dart Crayce ...


EXT. MARINA - SHERIFF’S SUBSTATION - DAY
An old, wooden shack
at the edge of the pier.

The Sheriff’s skiff floats
and bobs in the water nearby.

INT. SHERIFF’S SUBSTATION - DAY
Trimmer sits at his desk.
Filling out a report.

Shitty 70’s ‘soft rock’ plays
softly on a cheap boombox.
Afternoon Delight, indeed.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Anybody home?

TRIMMER
Entree, si vous plait.

Cal Seely ambles in.
Perspiring in his overcoat.

CAL
Deputy Waltz?

TRIMMER
You’re lookin’ at him.

CAL
(flashes badge)
Detective Sergeant Cal Seely, Homicide.

TRIMMER
Please to meet you.
Pull up a log.

CAL
(pulls out a cigar)
I like to stand.
Mind if I smoke?

TRIMMER
I’m allergic. Sorry.
(looks)
That’s quite a stogie.
Freud would have a
field day with THAT.

CAL
(not amused)
I’m investigating the
death of Dart Crayce.

TRIMMER
The film director, on the houseboat.
Yes. Tragic.
(shakes his head)
His poor wife.

CAL
Yes. His poor, young wife --

TRIMMER
Oh. Now listen,
I’ve met her,
she’s a nice lady.
No way she could have --

CAL
It’s a good motive.
What was he -- 80 years old?

TRIMMER
85, I think.

CAL
And I’m sure he was
worth a lot of money.
All those classic, old movies --

They look at each other. Thinking.

TRIMMER
If you ask me, I think you should
check out her personal trainer.
I’ve seen them working out --
and I sensed there was
more going on than just --
weight lifting, if
you know what I mean.

CAL
(pulls out notebook)
The trainer. What’s his name?

TRIMMER
HER name.
Jett something.
Jett -- Targo, that’s it.
She’s a, you know --
(mimes flexing arm muscle)
Real strong.

CAL
Lesbo? They having an affair?

TRIMMER
God, no. It’s just that --
I’m out on my boat every morning,
and I’d see them. And, I dunno --
it’s a gut feeling. You know --
(beat)
The way she’d look at Mrs. Crayce.
All hungry-like.

CAL
(narrows his eyes)
A gut feeling.
(off his nod)
Hungry-like.

PUSH IN ON Trimmer.
A rude leer.

TRIMMER
Yeah, you know --
like an animal. Hungry.