Filthy, Stinking Rich

Happy Holidaze, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of A DISH BEST KILLED, B-movie starlet Haven Crayce and her lesbian lover Jett Targo make a plan to kill Haven's elderly husband for his money ...


INT. HAVEN'S HOUSE BOAT - NIGHT

Jett goes to the bar.
Looks at the framed pictures of Dart
with various Hollywood stars of old.

DART AND CARY GRANT
playing golf.
Cary and GRACE KELLY watch him put.

WITH JANE GREER
directing her and Robert Mitchum.
She’s behind the wheel of a big Cadillac.
He’s got a gun. They’re all laughing.

DART AND FRANK SINATRA
at a swanky nightclub in Vegas
with Dean, Sammy, Joey and Peter.

Watching him blow out birthday
candles on a big cake.

IN DART’S BEDROOM
he lies in bed, eyes closed.
Haven’s arm is under the covers,
slowly going up and down.
Her face a dark storm cloud.

IN THE MAIN CABIN
Jett goes to a cabinet.
Opens a door, revealing --

An OSCAR. Best Director.
Coated with a thin layer of dust.

She gingerly picks it up. Blows on it.
Raises it up. Does an arm curl. Stops.
Looks at her reflection in the glass.

JETT (CONT’D)
(softly)
I’d like to thank the Academy --

HAVEN (O.C.)
Thank god you’re still here.

Jett quickly puts the Oscar back, embarrassed.

JETT
Sorry, I --

HAVEN
You know how many times I’ve wanted
to smash him over the head
with that goddamn Oscar?

JETT
(scared)
You shouldn’t -- say things like that.

HAVEN
You shouldn’t do a lot of things, Jett.
But it’s all I can think about.
I have to get out of here.
I’m going insane.
(goes to Jett, grabs her)
He’s rich, Jett. Filthy, stinking rich.
Think about what you and I
could do with all that money.
Go away somewhere.
Start a new life.
Be together. Be happy.
(tears in her eyes)
I haven’t been happy
in a long time, Jett.
And then I met you.
And then everything started
to fall into place.
I could see daylight
after so much darkness.
(a sob)
So much darkness --

Haven buries her face in Jett’s chest.
Softly sobs. Jett comforts her.
Looks around the room. Clearly confused.

JETT
So -- how much is he worth?

HAVEN
(pulls away, excited)
Then you’ll do it?

JETT
How much?

HAVEN
A few million. He’s got about --
eight hundred thousand in the bank.

JETT
Eight hundred thousand?

HAVEN
So you’ll do it?

JETT
I need to -- think about it.

But Haven won’t take no for an answer.
She slides off her top.

Presses her chest against
Jett’s. Sucks on her ear.

HAVEN
Please, Jett. I need you.
Don’t you want to be with me?

JETT
(swimming)
Y-yes -- I do --

HAVEN
(kisses her neck)
Aren’t you tired of training
fat, rich, yuppie assholes?

JETT
God, yes.

Haven’s hand slides down
to Jett’s zipper. Slowly rubs it.

HAVEN
And do you want me to keep
JERKING OFF the sonofabitch? EVERY DAY?

JETT
(delirious)
Of course not!

HAVEN
Then will you do it? For me?
(beat)
For us?

JETT
(closes her yes)
I’ll do it.
(beat)
I’ll do it.

Haven SQUEEZES Jett, embraces her.

HAVEN
Ohmigod, YES. Thank you, baby. Thank you.

JETT
But it has to be perfect.
We have to plan this carefully.
Everything is at stake.
One little mistake --

HAVEN
We’ll be careful.

JETT
(realizes, looks at watch)
Oh, shit -- I’ve got another client.
I’m going to be LATE.

HAVEN
(kisses Jett)
Then go, baby. I’ll see you -- tomorrow?

JETT
(smiles)
Tomorrow.
(goes to the door)
We’re -- really doing this.

HAVEN
(eyes flashing)
Together.

Jett smiles. Turns.

JETT
Together.

And she’s gone --

Whatever It Takes

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 7 of A DISH BEST KILLED, B-movie starlet Haven Crayce confesses to lesbian personal trainer Jett Targo the hell that is her life, trapped on a houseboat with her diabetic retired film director husband ...


INT. DART’S HOUSEBOAT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
He lies in bed. Breakfast tray
on his lap. Watching TV.

ON THE SCREEN
we see a biography of Humphrey Bogart.

ROBERT OSBOURNE (O.C.)
Bogart got his big break on
High Sierra, co-starring Ida Lupino.
It was in this picture that Bogart,
playing an escaped convict,
was able to show his soft side,
when he takes a shine to a crippled girl,
and pays for an operation that will --

IN THE MAIN CABIN
Jett and Haven lie on the couch.
In each other’s arms.

HAVEN
I’m sorry that was so fast.
I haven’t --
(beat)
Made love in a while.

JETT
How -- long?

Haven BURSTS into tears.
Hangs onto Jett for dear life.

JETT (CONT’D)
(puts arms around her)
Hey, now -- it’s okay.
I’m sorry I asked.
It’s none of my business.

Haven JERKS away.
Eyes full of fury.

HAVEN
We haven’t had sex in FOUR YEARS,
since his diabetes got worse and
we moved onto this fucking BOAT.
I was his nurse, see --
and then he married me.
I thought it would help my acting career --
but then he got sick, and, and --
it got all FUCKED UP.

JETT
I know all about that.
Sometimes you have to do whatever
it takes to get what you want.
But sometimes it just --
doesn’t work out.
(beat)
And then you’re fucked.

Haven stares at her. Blinking.

HAVEN
EXACTLY.
And now he treats me like shit,
orders me around,
won’t let me have any friends,
won’t let me LEAVE.
Everything is delivered.
I can only go out to walk the dog.
I’m a fucking PRISONER.
I’m SUFFOCATING, and
I can’t TAKE IT anymore.
(low, urgent)
I wish he would DIE.

JETT
Shhh. You shouldn’t talk like that.

The bell RING-RING-RINGS.

HAVEN
(looks at her watch)
Shit, it’s time.

JETT
Go see what he wants.
I’ll wait here.

HAVEN
(slowly gets up, stands)
I know what he wants.
(beat)
It’s time for his -- hand job.

JETT
His what?

HAVEN
Right before we start the dialysis
machine, I have to jerk him off,
so he’ll fall asleep.
He says it relaxes him.
(beat)
Fucking Viagra.

JETT
Every day? How old IS he?

Haven goes to the door.

HAVEN
Too old to live.
(beat)
Don’t go?
(off Jett’s nod)
Think about what I said --
(scowling)
And think about what I
have to go do right now.

And she’s gone.

PUSH IN ON Jett’s face.
Scared to death.

JETT
What have I -- ?

Like A Virgin

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of A DISH BEST KILLED, on the houseboat next door, little person Nola Bliss watching B-movie starlet Haven Crayce get up close and personal with lesbian personal trainer Jett Targo ...


INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - DART’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Dart is fast asleep.
Mouth open, like a child.

Haven watches the end credits go by.
Thunderstruck.

HAVEN
(quoting dialog)
'Straight down the line.'

PUSH IN ON Haven’s face. Thinking.

HAVEN
Ankle bracelet --

EXT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - ROOF DECK - MOMENTS LATER
A roof deck outside the bedroom doors.
With an old, oak hot tub.

Steam rises from the
bubbling black water.

Haven steps in. Her perfect, naked
body glistening in the moonlight.

HAVEN
(lowers herself in)
Ahhh --

She angles her waist
at one of the jets of water.

Lowers a bit. Finds the right spot.
Arches her back, a cat in heat.
Closes her eyes. Bites her lip. Shudders.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Sweet mother of Jesus --

IN JETT’S BEDROOM
She climaxes quietly.
Earth-shattering spasms of pleasure.

IN THE HOT TUB
Haven reaches a shuddering crescendo.

EXT. NEARBY HOUSEBOAT - ROOF DECK
In the moonlight we can see
a female LITTLE PERSON looking
at the Crayce boat through binoculars.
Sipping a can of beer.

Meet NOLA BLISS (30),
four-foot-tall elfin
star of stage and screen.

A blue-eyed redhead.
And a nosy, foul-mouthed party girl.

She lowers the binoculars.
Lights a smoke.

NOLA
What a fucking waste.

EXT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - REAR DECK - DAY
A brilliant, blindingly gorgeous
morning on the marina.

A workout machine has been set up.
The kind that can be adjusted
so someone can pull weights
from different angles.

Right now Haven is
sitting on the seat,
pulling the handles out,
away from her chest.
The weights CLANK-CLANK.

HAVEN
This feels SO GOOD -- I LOVE IT.

The handles go back in.
Haven PULLS OUT on them again.

JETT
(touches Haven’s shoulder)
That’s because we’re opening
up your chest muscles.
After years of being
clenched tight, bent over --
that’s why it feels so good.
(showing off a bit)
We’re doing low weight, lots of reps.
We don’t want any bulk,
just a nice definition.

Haven stops. Looks at Jett’s hand.
Then down at her chest.

HAVEN
Do you think I have
a -- nice definition?

JETT
(pulls hand away)
Uh, yeah.
(looks at watch)
Let’s stretch you out.

HAVEN
I like the sound of that.

Jett lays down a towel.
Haven gets off the machine.

Lies down on the mat.
Looks up at Jett.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Promise you’ll be gentle?

JETT
(trying to contain herself)
Of course.

Jett kneels.
Takes Haven’s foot,
places it on her shoulder.

A gold anklet glistens in the sunlight.
Jett stares it.

HAVEN
Like my anklet?

JETT
It’s -- nice.

HAVEN
Ever see Double Indemnity?

JETT
Sure.
(tries to compose herself)
Okay, just relax.
I’ll go slowly --

Jett carefully raises Haven’s
glorious, gleaming leg, until she
hears her give out a little moan.

JETT (CONT'D)
That’s good, that’s good.
Just breath into it --

A horn HONKS. Haven looks, sees --

TRIMMER WALTZ
in his Sheriff’s boat.
Right nearby. He waves.

HAVEN
Deputy Waltz.

TRIMMER
(big smile)
Please, I told you --
call me Trimmer,
all my friends do.
Who’s your chum?

HAVEN
This is Jett.
She’s my personal trainer.

JETT
Hello, officer.

TRIMMER
Hey, there.
Not TOO personal, I hope.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Haven stares. Eyes burning
with barely disguised contempt.

TRIMMER (CONT'D)
How’s your husband doing these days?
He feeling okay?

HAVEN
Just peachy.
Eight hours of dialysis,
and he’s fit as a fiddle.

TRIMMER
He’s awfully lucky to have
a gal like you look after him.

The radio SQUAWKS.
Trimmer gets it. Listens.

TRIMMER (CONT’D)
Copy that, I’m on my way --
Roger and out.
(shakes his head)
Got trouble on one
of the luxury yachts.
Yuppie bastard set
the galley on fire.
See you later, Haven.

And he cruises away
with a ROAR of his engine.

HAVEN
Goodbye, asshole.

JETT
He likes you.

HAVEN
Well, I don’t like him.
(a whisper)
I like -- you.

Jett blushes.
Haven gets closer.
Their bodies touch.

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Do you -- like me?

JETT
Like you -- how?

HAVEN
Like this --

Haven softly kisses her.
Pulls back. Surveys the damage.

JETT
(hoarse whisper)
Like that --

Jett kisses back.
They melt into each other.

Jett’s hands stroke Haven’s curves,
slowly, carefully. Like a virgin.

HAVEN
(quiet)
You make me -- shiver.

And their passion takes off
like a blowtorch to dry kindling.

Hands, arms, lips everywhere
in a tornado of sin.

Haven STOPS. Looks around.
Grabs Jett’s hand --

HAVEN (CONT’D)
Not out here.
Come with me.

And pulls her inside the boat.

ON THE BOAT NEXT DOOR
Nola watches with binoculars
through her main window.

She lowers them.
Shakes her head. Wow.

NOLA
The little minx.

Double Indemnity

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of A DISH BEST KILLED, it's 'movie night' for B-movie starlet Haven Crayce and her husband, retired film director Dart, aboard their houseboat ... while sheriff's deputy Trimmer Waltz watches from his boat ...


INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - AT THAT MOMENT
Dart is propped up in bed.
Natty in a smoking jacket and ascot.

Haven sits in a chair by the bed,
resplendent in a fancy gown.

But no red carpet.
Just thick, brown shag.

DART
I can’t believe
you’ve never seen it.

HAVEN
So I’m seeing it now.

DART
Shhh.

ON THE SCREEN
we see titles: DOUBLE INDEMNITY.

DART (O.C.) (CONT'D)
Listen to that score.
They don’t compose ‘em
like that any more --

EXT. VOYAGE STREET - MOMENTS LATER
An ancient, ruined VW bug.
Engine idling. Facing the beach.

INSIDE THE CAR
we see Rush.
SNARFING up a big, fat
line off the dashboard.

He SHAKES his head.
Takes a drag of his smoke. Shudders.

INT. JETT’S APARTMENT - AT THAT MOMENT
Jett lies in bed in a white tank top.
Opens a drawer on the bedside table.

Takes out a vibrator.
Leans back. Flicks it on.

It disappears under the sheets.
She closes her eyes.

EXT. MARINA - NIGHT
A SHERIFF’S PATROL BOAT skims
across the water soundlessly.

At the wheel is deputy
TRIMMER WALTZ (28). Fit. Clean-cut.
Impossibly good-looking.

With a bright gleam in his eye.
Either brilliant or demented.
Maybe a combination of the two.

The skiff glides by the houseboat.
Trimmer hears the film.

TRIMMER
Every night with the old movies.
(toasts with a flask)
Someday, Haven -- I’m going to
rescue you from that watery prison.

And he takes a drink to that.

American Tweaker

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of A DISH BEST KILLED, lesbian personal trainer Jett Targo tangles with meth addict Rush Madder, a former partner in crime she thought she had escaped from ...


EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
An old apartment building between
two three-million dollar homes.

Jett stands on the front stoop.
Fishes out her keys.

Unlocks the door.
Starts to push it open, when --

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Where have you been?
I’ve been waiting for over an hour.

Jett WHIPS AROUND to see --

RUSH MADDER (25). Blonde. Ghostly.
Jittery. Bloodshot eyes.

Pierced eyebrows. Skinny black jeans.
The all-American tweaker.

With that never-scrubbed
‘up for three days’ look.

JETT
Rush.
What are you doing here?

RUSH
(wipes his nose)
I thought we could hang out.

JETT
It’s over, Rush.
I told you.
I don’t want to see you anymore.
(starts to push the door closed)
I’m sorry, goodbye.

Rush GRABS the door.
Eyes flashing. Menacing sneer.

RUSH
Don’t close the fucking door on me!
I drove all the way from
Long Beach to see you,
and this is the thanks I get?
(beat)
I brought you a gift.
Check it out.

He pulls out a glass vial.
Holds it up. Sickly smile.

Jett SLAMS the door on Rush’s foot.
He SCREAMS in pain.

RUSH (CONT’D)
OW, Fuck!
That HURT --

Jett KICKS Rush’s foot out.
BANGS the door closed. LOCKS it.

JETT
(through the glass window)
I asked you to stay AWAY from me,
and I tried to be NICE about it,
but OBVIOUSLY that
doesn’t WORK with you.
I don’t want to SEE YOU anymore.
STAY AWAY from me.

RUSH
What did I do?
I never did anything to hurt you.
C’mon, Jett -- please.

JETT
GO AWAY!

She turns on her heel
and races up the stairs,
two at a time.

Sponge Bath And A Movie

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of A DISH BEST KILLED, B-movie starlet Haven Crayce tends to her husband, retied film director Dart Crayce, bedridden in their houseboat. Moments later, she returns downstairs to the galley, where she makes a date with her new 'friend,' lesbian personal trainer Jett Targo.


INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - MASTER BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
A large room which takes up
the entire third floor.

Hospital bed faces a giant
movie screen. Shades drawn.

Dimly lit by a single bedside lamp.
We see movie memorabilia in the shadows.

In bed lies DART CRAYCE (88).
Skeletal. White-haired, gimlet-eyed.
Sunken, ruined skin.

Right now he’s hooked up
to a dialysis machine,
hoses like tentacles.
The machine HUMS.

DART
What took you so long?

HAVEN
What are you talking about?
I came right away.

DART
I heard voices. Who’s down there?

HAVEN
Someone I met walking Buster.
She wanted to see the boat.

DART
A woman --

HAVEN
Of course, silly.
You’re the only man for me.

DART
Bring me a diet Vernor’s.
And it’s time to set up
the picture for tonight.

HAVEN
Right away. I’ll be back
in two shakes of a -- of a --

DART
LAMB’S TAIL.
And tell your guest to leave.
You need to set up the projector.

HAVEN
Sure thing.

She turns, leaves.

ON THE STAIRS

HAVEN (CONT'D)
(to herself)
Nasty old fuck.

IN THE GALLEY
Jett is looking at a framed picture
of Dart with Humphrey Bogart
and Barbara Stanwyck.
Smiles all around.

HAVEN (O.C.) (CONT'D)
That was taken on the set of
Blood Gets In Your Eyes.

JETT
I know. It’s one of my favorite films.
Barbara Stanwyck’s first time with Bogie.


HAVEN
You’re a personal trainer, right?

JETT
Yeah. How did you know?

HAVEN
I’ve seen you training
people on the beach.
(beat)
I’m all seeing and all knowing.

Pause.

JETT
Do you want me to -- train you?

HAVEN
I need -- training.
(beat)
Shall we make it tomorrow
morning, say around ten?

JETT
I think I can squeeze you in.

HAVEN
It’s a date.
(kisses Jett on the cheek)
Thanks for coming by.
I’ve gotta go take care of hubby now.
Sponge bath and a movie.

PUSH IN ON Jett.
About to explode.

JETT
Sounds like -- fun.