Keep On Truckin'

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 10 of LEGS, Episode 3, things get more than a little uncomfortable at the 'kidnapping command center' at Meg's house when she shows up with her new partner Ilona, who it turns out Carrie Love dated once upon a time ... and just as tensions mount between Carrie's ex-husband Bernie when he confronts Meg about ruining his marriage by sleeping with Carrie, white trash kidnapper Darryl head phones them with his demands ...


INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil, Bernie and Carrie sit around
the coffee table staring at
the phone tape recorder sitting on it.

CARRIE (V.O.)
The air was filled like tension.
You could feel it.
Smell it. Touch it. Taste it.
It cut like a dull knife.
(beat)
My ex-mother-in-law had been abducted,
and there was nothing I could do about it.

BASIL
Why don’t they fucking CALL?
I’m losing my fucking MIND.
(growls)
If they harm one hair on her head,
they’re gonna DIE.

The front door opens.
In walks Meg and Ilona.

CARRIE
Meg.
(looks at Ilona)
Oh.

MEG
Hey.
(nods)
Bernie. Mr. Keko.
(to Carrie)
This is my new partner,
Ilona Ramirez.

CARRIE
Ilona. You did it.
You’re a cop.

MEG
You know her?

ILONA
I used to bartend at the Clit Club.

CARRIE
Poured generous cocktails.
Had quite a way with a wedge of lime --

MEG
(to Carrie)
Did you -- ?

ILONA
(to Meg)
Relax. The relationship was
strictly business between barmaid and lush.
(looks at Carrie)
And I was spoken for back then.

BASIL
(to Bernie)
So that’s the tart Carrie left you for.

MEG
Excuse me?

BERNIE
Dad. We’re in HER house.

CARRIE
I’m sorry, Meg.
He’s distraught.
He didn’t mean it.

MEG
Nice to meet you too, Mr. Keko.

BASIL
Please. Call me ‘Mr. Keko.’

MEG
(to Carrie)
So what’s the scoop?
Have they called
with their demands yet?

CARRIE
Not yet.
It’s a power play.
The longer they wait to call,
the more they think
they’re in control.

BERNIE
You’re assuming these
assholes are that bright.

BASIL
The fuckers ARE in control.
They got my KITTY.

The phone on the table RINGS.
Everybody JUMPS.

Basil looks at Carrie. She nods. T
urns on the tape recorder.

Basil picks up.
Carefully puts it on speakerphone.

BASIL
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl sits in a big, ratty
overstuffed wing chair like it’s a throne.

Phone in one hand,
bottle of beer in the other.

Wendy sits on the couch,
timing the call on her watch.

Denny sits next to her,
lighting up the bong.

We see fat lines of white powder
on a mirror in front of Darryl.

DARRYL
Yo, is this the rich dude?
Basil Keko?

BASIL
Yes.
You better not have hurt my wife --

DARRYL
Chill out. She’s fine.
In fact, we’re right now giving her
some sugar for that diabetes thingamajig.

BASIL
So what do you want?

DARRYL
Well, seeing as how you won
two-hundred fifty-four million clamolas,
I’ll take two-hundred and fifty three.
A million bucks should last you
long enough since you’re
old and gonna die soon.

BASIL
But I don’t have it yet.
That check you saw on TV was a prop.

DARRYL
So when ARE you gonna get it?

BASIL
The wire transfer
should hit my bank tomorrow.

DARRYL
TOMORROW?

BASIL
Listen to me, you little fuck.
A wire transfer takes time.

Carrie stands.
Pantomimies with her arms that
she’s carrying a huge package.
Nods ‘understand?’

BASIL
(nods)
Now we have to figure out the logistics.
Do you realize how BIG that much money is?
You’re gonna need a truck.

DARRYL
A truck?

BASIL
A hundred million is about
the size of a refrigerator,
so you’re talking about a load
the size of two and a half refrigerators.

DARRYL
Then I’ll get a fucking truck.

BASIL
Then there’s the matter of
where you’re gonna put it.
Have you thought of that, huh?

DARRYL
Shut up.
What do you think, I’m STUPID?

BASIL
I want to talk to Kitty.
I need to know she’s okay.

DARRYL
I told you. She’s fine.

BASIL
If you don’t put her on phone
RIGHT NOW, there’s no deal.
How do I know you haven’t
killed her already?

WENDY
(looks at her watch)
Time’s up.

DARRYL
We now pause for a word from our sponsor.
Call you back.

BASIL
WAIT a minute --

He CLICKS the phone shut.
Leans down, and SNARFS
a line of meth up his nose. HONK.

Shakes his head.
Eyes blazing.

DARRYL
Now that’s what I call
‘keep on truckin.’

Bonnaroo Buzz

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 9 of LEGS, Episode 3, diabetic kidnap victim Kitty Keko starts going into insulin chock, and informs her clueless white trash kidnappers Darryl, Wendy and Denny that she needs sugar, FAST ...


INT. DARRYL’S TRAILER HOME - DENNY’S BEDROOM - DAY
Wendy stands in the doorway,
holding a gun in her hands.

Darryl’s pants are
down around his ankles.
Denny’s in his underwear.

Kitty glares at them,
tied to the bed.

WENDY
Don’t fucking TOUCH her.
I said I’d go along
with a kidnapping,
but rape is crossing the line.

DARRYL
Okay, okay.
Don’t do anything stupid,
sugar plum.
Hand me the gun.

WENDY
Sure thing.
When you PULL YOUR
FUCKING PANTS UP.
(to Denny)
You too, you fucking retard.

DENNY
You’re not supposed
to say RETARD.
I’m a SLOW ADULT,
stupid-face.

Kitty’s eyes go glassy.
She winces as if in pain.

WENDY
What’s wrong?

KITTY
It’s time for my insulin shot.
I’m a diabetic.

DARRYL
What happens if
you don’t get it?

KITTY
Oh, I get tired, hungry, sweaty,
headache, blurry vision,
slurred speech --

DARRYL
Well, that’s not too bad.

KITTY
Then I’ll go into insulin shock
and start having convulsions,
go unconcious --
and maybe even go into a coma.
(beat)
Kinda fucks with your
little scheme, huh?
Next time, you might want
to do a little research
on your kidnapping victim.

DARRYL
Okay, okay, okay.
I’ll get you some insulin.

WENDY
How you gonna do THAT?
You can’t just buy it
over the counter.

DARRYL
Shut up.
I’ll find a way.

KITTY
Do you have any candy or cookies?
Anything that has sugar in it?
That’ll help for a little while.

DENNY
ICE CREAM.

KITTY
Yeah. That’ll work.

DARRYL
Dude.
That’s the last of our Bonnaroo Buzz,
Ben & Jerry’s most awesome gnarlyness.
The perfect blend of
coffee, malt, caramel and toffee.
You know how HARD that is to find?

WENDY
So have Denny go to the store
and get some candy and shit.
Honest to god, if I weren’t here
to supervise you two,
the old bag would be dead by now.

KITTY
Excuse me. I’m only sixty.
(off their looks)
What. Didn’t you hear?
Sixty’s the new fifty --

Reach Out And Fuck Someone

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Cyber Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of LEGS, Episode 3, sparks fly when private eye Carrie Love, her ex-husband/ex-partner, homicide dick Bernie Keko and his father Basil meet at Carrie's ex's house, patrolwoman Megan Paul to set up headquarters to try and find out who kidnapped Basil's wife. Problem is, Meg doesn't know they're there, so Carrie gives her a call ...


INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Small and cozy. Bright and clean.
Basil, Bernie and Carrie sit on the couch,
staring at the phone on a coffee table.

BASIL
Call forwarding. Genius.

CARRIE
Reach out and fuck someone.

BERNIE
(to Basil)
We swept the area around your house.
No one was watching it.

CARRIE
But they might come around,
so it’s safer to be here.

BASIL
There was no sign of forced entry.
They must have grabbed her
when she returned from yoga class.
(smiles)
It’s nice to see you two together again.
Always thought you were the perfect couple.
hame it had to end like it did.

CARRIE
Yeah, well -- a fist fight
kinda takes the romance out of it.

BERNIE
Not to mention being caught
carpet-munching in OUR bed --

BASIL
(to Carrie)
You still prefer the other white meat?

BERNIE
DAD.

BASIL
(to Carrie)
I’m sorry.
(looks down)
Like many old-school heterosexual men,
I deal with grief with crude,
inappropriate humor.
I’m so sorry.

CARRIE
It’s okay. You’re upset.
(to Bernie)
So that’s where you get it from.

BERNIE
Takes one to blow one.

CARRIE
(looks at her watch)
I should call Meg.
Find out when her shift ends.
Don’t want to her surprise her
with a 'two and a half cops.'

She pulls out her cell.
Walks out of the room.

EXT. SANTA MONICA BEACH - BIKE PATH - DAY
A wide, two-lane cement bike path
that runs along the sand.

Megan and another FEMALE COP (20’s)
sit astride their stallions,
slowly CLIP-CLOPPING
down the bucolic avenue.

MEG
It’s a pretty good gig.
Great weather, and away from
the madness down south in Venice.
You been riding long?

FEMALE COP
Ever since I was thirteen
and discovered it was better than
sliding down the bannister.

Meet ILONA RAMIREZ,
a curvy goblet of caramel
poured into her uniform.

Wide mouth with lips for days.
Long black hair tied in a ponytail
that reaches down to the horse’s back.

MEG
Sliding down the --
(blushes)
Oh.

ILONA
So you were a good girl.

MEG
Once upon a time.

Her cell RINGS.
She pulls it out. Looks it at.

MEG (CONT’D)
Hold that thought.
(into the phone)
Hey, Carrie. What’s up?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Carrie stands in the big window
looking out at the street.

CARRIE
(into the phone)
Bernie’s mother was kidnapped
and we’re using your house
as a base of operations.
Hope it’s okay.

MEG
Holy shit. When?

CARRIE
About an hour ago.
The kidnappers said ‘no cops,’
so we didn’t want to be seen
at their place in case
it was being watched.

MEG
Of course.
Don’t worry about it.
(beat)
Holy shit. Bernie’s MOM --
(beat)
And you’re helping Bernie with the case?

CARRIE
Well, I’m not a cop anymore,
and you know what they say,
once an in-law, always an in-law.

MEG
Is there anything I can do?

CARRIE
When does your shift end?

MEG
In about an hour,
but I’m breaking in my new partner.
I might be able to get away
with ending it early,
make up some excuse.

CARRIE
Great. We can use
all the help we can get.
See you soon.

The both CLICK their phones shut.
Ilona looks at Meg.

ILONA
What was that all about?

MEG
My ex’s ex’s mother was kidnapped.

ILONA
Holy shit.
(beat)
You were talking to 'Carrie.'
You’re ex was a chick?

MEG
Uh, yeah.

ILONA
Cool. So was mine.

MEG
Oh.

ILONA
Tell the watch commander
we ate bad fish tacos
and got the runs.

MEG
That’s -- a great idea.

ILONA
I got your back, mamasita.
(beat)
And your front --

On The Rebound And Gagged

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In Chapter 7 of LEGS, Episode 3, kidnapping victim Kitty Keko has a few choice words to say to her trailer trash captors, so they 'make her shut up.' Meanwhile, private eye Carrie Love arrives at 'command central' to try and solve the case ... which just happens to be her ex-lover's home ...


INT. DARRYL’S TRAILER HOME - DENNY’S BEDROOM - DAY
Tiny. Cramped. Clothing strewn everywhere.
Empty pizza boxes. Beer cans.

KITTY KEKO (60’s),
surprisingly attractive,
if a bit puffy --
lies on the bed staring at her captors,
wrists tied to the bed posts.

Darryl holds a gun on her.
Wendy’s behind him in the doorway.

Denny angrily picks up
his clothes from the floor.
Puts them in a laundry basket.

DENNY
This is stupid.
I don’t see why I have to --

DARRYL
Shut up, Denny.
Kitty is our guest,
and I want her to be
as comfortable as possible.

KITTY
My son is gonna
fucking kill you,
you little shit.

DARRYL
Now is that any way
to talk to your host?

KITTY
Fuck you, trailer trash.
You’re not going
to get away this.
Eat shit and DIE.

DARRYL
Such language
for an old lady.
(turns, to Wendy)
I tried being nice, right?

WENDY
Yeah.

DARRYL
Denny, shove a sock
in her mouth, will ya?

Denny grins.
Picks a stained old sock
up off the floor.

KITTY
NO, PLEASE.

He comes over to her.
Holds it up.

Smells it.
Makes a face.

DENNY
Mmm. Nice and ripe --
(makes a jerking off motion)
And crunchy.

KITTY
No, please.
I’ll be quiet.
promise.

DARRYL
Hurry up.
Stop fucking around.

Denny starts to stuff
the sock in her mouth,
and Kitty KNEES him
in the groin, HARD.

Denny REELS BACK,
CRIES OUT in pain.

DARRYL
Fucking BITCH.

He RUSHES over,
PISTOL-WHIPS her, CRACK.

She goes out like a light.
A big GASH on her temple
starts bleeding.

DARRYL
That’ll teach you
to hurt my brother.

Denny sits on the floor,
rocking back and forth,
holding his nuts.

Eyes glassy.
Face red.

DARRYL
Are you okay?

DENNY
NO.

WENDY
I’ll go get a bandage.
(looks at Denny)
And some ice --

She leaves.
Denny looks at Darryl.
Eyes pleading.

DENNY
You gotta make her PAY.

Darryl starts
unbuckling his belt.
Unzipping his fly.

DARRYL
Oh, I’m gonna
make her pay, alright --
(beat)
The HARD way.

EXT. MEG’S HOUSE - DAY
A simple, small house
on a tree-lined street.

On the corner, so the yard
is a little larger than the others.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Ah, the scene of the crime.
Where Meg and I had more than a few
nights of unbridled passion.
Shame it didn’t last.
I believe the phrase
is ‘on the rebound.’
(beat)
Or in my case,
‘on the rebound and gagged' --

The Energizer Pussy

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of LEGS, Episode 3, after his mother is kidnapped, homicide detective Bernie Keko calls his ex, private eye Carrie Love for help. Meanwhile, Carrie's girlfriend Laura Lang gets ready to shoot a porn film which involves an electronic device up her cooch ...


INT. LAW OFFICES - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Carrie’s cell phone CHIRPS.
She looks at it. Alarmed.

CARRIE
Excuse me.
I gotta take this.
It’s urgent.
(gets up, walk away, into the phone)
Bernie.
What’s up with the nine-one-one?
Are you okay?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. BERNIE’S UNMARKED SEDAN - DAY
Bernie sits behind the wheel
talking on his cell.

We see out the window that
he’s at the curb near the park.

BERNIE
My mother’s been kidnapped.

CARRIE
WHAT? When? Where? WHY?
Your father doesn’t have any money --

BERNIE
He does now.
He just won the lottery,
and now some scumbag got my MOTHER.

CARRIE
Okay, okay. Calm down.
We’ll get her back.
Was there a ransom note?

BERNIE
No. They scrawled a message
on the fridge saying they’d
call later with their demands.
And they also said ‘no cops,’
or they’d HURT her.

CARRIE
Kidnappers always say that,
you know.

BERNIE
I know, I know --
but this is my MOTHER.

CARRIE
Take a deep breath.
I’m with you.
Where are you?

BERNIE
Down the street from his house.
I don’t wanna go in
in case they’re watching it.

CARRIE
Hey.
Meg lives right around the corner.

BERNIE
You want to use HER place
as a base of operations?

CARRIE
Hey. You know what they say.
When life gives you a lemon,
make lesbianade

BERNIE
What if she’s on duty?

CARRIE
I have a key.

BERNIE
Why doesn’t that surprise me?

CARRIE
Listen, if you want me to help you,
you gotta lay off that shit.
Meg’s very important to me,
and you’re just gonna have to
deal with it, okay?

BERNIE
Okay. I’m sorry. I’m upset.
We can use all the help we can get.

CARRIE
That’s right.
And don’t you forget it.
I’ll be right there.
(hangs up, to Nate and Todd)
Sorry, greedy younger siblings.
I gotta split.

TODD
What the hell?
You can’t just leave.

CARRIE
Oh, yes I can.
My ex-husband’s mother was just kidnapped.
I think that’s a lot more important
than picking over my dead father’s bones.
(to Bob)
You’ll reschedule?
Have your people call their people?

BOB
Of course. Go. Hurry.

CARRIE
Thanks.
(to Todd and Nate)
Love you.
Don’t mean it.
Let’s not do lunch.

She strides out the door.
SLAMS it behind her.

INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
A real soundstage.
A surprisingly good set
which looks like a space ship.
This is a porno with a budget.

Laura lies on a chrome gurney,
very Barbarella in plastic,
rubber and vinyl.

KLAUS
Take number four and five
up a bit more, please.

BURLY GRIP
You want it brighter?

KLAUS
No. Make it darker.
So we can’t fucking see her.

LAURA
Can we get started?
This costume is cold and clammy
like George Micheal in a public toilet.

KLAUS
Hold your horsies,
my little turtle-dove.
(to the sound man)
Give me some MUSIC.

SOUND MAN (O.S.)
The hills are alive, mein fuhrer.

Some obscure 80’s Euro-synth-pop song
starts playing, LOUD.

KLAUS
Ja. Too sexy for my RIDING CROP.
(to a PA)
The DRY ICE.
Start the DRY ICE.

A dense fog sweeps into frame.
Circles his waist.
Klaus smiles.

Hands Laura a CONTROL BOX,
demonstrates the knobs.

KLAUS
This one controls the amps,
this one controls the watts --
and this one is for
the frequency modulation.

LAURA
And the Energizer Pussy
just keeps on getting electrocuted.

KLAUS
You snicker now, my bitter Fraulein,
but you have never scaled the heights
that the Pandora Box will take you.
Never felt such pleasure,
such ecstacy, such bliss.

Laura slowly turns a knob,
gets a JOLT in her privates.

LAURA
Ow, FUCK! Bollocks.
Fuckin’ bliss is gonna
blow my bloody fusebox.

KLAUS
Yes. She’s ANGRY. That HURTS.
But it feels so GOOD.
(throws up his arms)
Speed. Camera. And -- ACTION.

Like Jerry Sandusky

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of LEGS, Episode 3, retired cop Basil Keko comes home from winning the lottery, only to find his wife has been kidnapped. In a panic, he calls his son, homicide detective Bernie Keko and tells him what happened. Because the ransom note said 'don't call the cops,' Bernie decides to call his ex for help, private eye Carrie Love ...


EXT. BUNGALOW - DAY
An old, stately home on a
leafy, middle-class street in the heart of
the cheap seats of Santa Monica. Safe. Bucolic.

Basil walks up to the front door.
Opens it. Goes in.

INT. BASIL’S BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Heavy and quiet with old,
mis-matched furniture.
But nice. Spotless.

Basil hums happily.
Pads across the room.

BASIL
Honey, I’m home.
Did you see me on TV?

He looks around.
Then heads toward the kitchen.

INT. BASIL’S BUNGALOW - KITCHEN - DAY
Bright and cheerful, nice and neat.
Basil walks into the room, looks around.

BASIL
Honey?

He sees a message
on the refrigerator
written in big block letters
in black magic marker:

WE HAVE YOUR WIFE.
DO NOT CONTACT THE POLICE
OR SHE WILL DIE.

WE WILL CALL YOU
WITH OUR RANSOM DEMANDS.
- A FRIEND.

BASIL
Holy shit.
Oh my god.
Holy shit.
(goes to the phone, dials)
Bernie.
Thank god you’re there.
Your mother’s been kidnapped.
(listens)
Meet me in the park down the street
in case they’re watching the house.

EXT. CITY PARK - DAY
A tiny park. Green grass.
Plants. Flowers. Bird chirping.

A HOMELESS MAN (50’s)
sleeps on the grass in the distance.

Bernie and Basil sit on a
park bench facing the sidewalk.

BASIL
They said not to
contact the police,
but you’re my son,
so that’s okay, right?

BERNIE
It’s okay, pop.
It’s okay.
(realizes)
Oh, shit.
Her medication.

BASIL
I know.
I’m worried sick.
If she doesn’t
have her insulin --

BERNIE
(stands)
We’re not solving
anything sitting here.
You go back to the house
and wait for their call.

BASIL
(gets up)
What are you gonna do?

BERNIE
I’m gonna call Carrie.
She owes me one.

BASIL
Your ex?
Are you sure
that’s a good idea?
Why would she help?
She left you.

BERNIE
That hasn’t stopped her
from coming to me for help.
And besides, when she finds out
Kitty’s been kidnapped,
the assholes that got her
don’t have a chance.
She’s like Jerry Sandusky
at a NAMBLA meeting
when she’s riled up.

BASIL
No shit.
Remember that Thanksgiving
when she got it in her head
that SHE was gonna
carve the turkey?

BERNIE
How could I forget.
The arterial spray
ruined the stuffing --

Fuck You Money

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of Episode 3 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love meets with her brothers Todd and Nate and their attorneys about her father's will. Due to her 'bad behavior,' Carrie was disinherited ... but after she reconciled with her father right before his death, he told her he changed his mind, so he destroyed the will. Problem is, now her brothers want all the money for themselves ...


INT. LAW OFFICES - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
The theme from The Good, The Bad & The Ugly over --

A burnished, glossy, airbrushed joint
out of a Glenn Close wet dream.

Todd and Nate sit in plush chairs
on one side of the table with their ATTORNEYS,
a pair of stone-faced, smooth-looking hawks.

CARRIE’S ATTORNEY,
a big, jovial-looking fellow
sits on the other side with Carrie.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It was my date with destiny.
Or her child, at least.
I was about to go head-to-head
with my younger brothers.
‘Awkward’ doesn’t begin to cover it.
I felt like Richard Simmons
at a Chick Fil-A opening.

Todd glares at Carrie
with utter contempt.
A vein on his temple throbs violently.

Nate looks stiff and awkward.
Maybe it’s because of the suit
he’s not used to wearing.

JACK HASSIG (60), Todd’s attorney,
tall and thin with a grey brush cut
the same shade as his suit smiles at Carrie.

Big eyes bulging
to the point of almost exploding.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Get aload of this guy.
‘Bug-eyed much?’
Better lay off the Red Bull, buster,
or your head’s gonna explode.

JACK
It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss Love.

CARRIE
'Ms. Love,' please.
Get with the program.
We got equal rights
back in the seventies, remember?
Gloria Steinem? Susan Sontag?
We fought hard for that 'Ms.'

JACK
I’m sorry, Ms. Love.

SAUL BRAUNSTEIN (30’s), Nate’s attorney,
a young turk, slick in Armani
tries to hide his Dick Cheney-like sneer.

SAUL
We’re glad you could make it this time.

CARRIE
Oh, I wouldn’t miss this for the world.
It isn’t every day I get
to see my darling brothers.
Cue the Hallmark Moment.

BOB BALL (50), Carrie’s attorney
looks around the room.

BOB
So I gather the reason for this meeting
is to negotiate exactly how much Carrie
is going to get from her father’s estate?

JACK
That would be correct.

BOB
Well, I must say, I’m confused.
Carrie told me that
the last time she saw her father --
when they reconcileed after not seeing
or speaking to each other for ten years --
he said he wished there was something
he could do to change his will.

JACK
Edgar Love had an irrevocable trust,
which could not and cannot be changed,
so that statement was moot.

BOB
That may be true, but Carrie
also informed me that a signed,
original copy of his will was never found.

JACK
We’re still searching the files
in our off-site storage facility.
I’m sure a signed original will turn up.

BOB
But if it doesn’t, then the estate
is to be equally divided amongst his heirs.

SAUL
If you try and pull that,
we’ll bury you in legal actions for years.
(to Carrie)
Can you afford a lengthy trial, Miss Love?

CARRIE
It’s MS. Love, jacksass.
Of course I can’t.
(to Bob)
What the fuck?

BOB
Shhh. Let me handle it.

JACK
We’re prepared to offer MS. Love
five-hundred thousand dollars as a settlement.

CARRIE
Five-hundred K?
You gotta be fucking KIDDING me.
That’s not ‘fuck you money.’
(to Bob)
They’re gonna get ‘fuck you money.’

BOB
(puts his hand on her arm)
Gentlemen. Do you realize how
ludicrious your offer is?
You’re proposing that Todd and Nate
each get eight million,
and their older sister
one-sixteenth of that?
That’s positively insulting.
Not to mention the fact
that taxes will take half of it.

CARRIE
I don’t understand why we can’t just
divide it into three equal shares.
(to Nate and Todd)
That would the civilized thing to do.
Remember civilization?
You don’t need to wear the bear skin
and carry a club anymore.

TODD
If I had my way,
you wouldn’t get one red cent.
I worked for him, YOU didn’t.

CARRIE
We’ve gone over this,
Mr. Short Attention Span.
You got FIRED, remember?
(beat)
Look. The last thing our father
said to me was he wished there was a way
he could give me something.
Can’t you see he figured
out a way to do it?
He destroyed the original will.
Brilliant move, I must say.

TODD
He didn’t destroy it.
We’re gonna find it.

CARRIE
(to Nate)
And you’re okay with this, Judas?
I mean Nate?

Nate looks down.
Fidgeting in his chair.

SAUL
Nate is acting on the advice of counsel.

CARRIE
(to Nate)
So that’s it.
The silent treatment?
I was the only one that played with you
when you were a little kid, remember?
Does money mean more than family?

BOB
(to Jack and Saul)
I must say I’ve never seen anything
like this in thirty years of praticising law.

Carrie shakes her head.
Looks out the window.

CARRIE
(under her breath)
Where’s John Grisham when you need him?

This Is Your Home On Drugs

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of Episode 2 of LEGS, we meet stoner/meth-head trailer trash teen Daryl Head, who sees retired cop Basil Keko win the powerball lottery on TV, and comes up with a 'brilliant idea' ... and decides to kidnap his wife and get the money ...


EXT. SHITTY TRAILER HOME - DAY
A double-wide model in serious disrepair.
Once white, now gray.
This is your home on drugs.

INT. SHITTY TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Beyond run-down. Two KIDS
sit on a threadbare couch
with cans of beer watching the proceedings
on a giant old-school TV sitting on
planks of wood supported by cinder blocks.

DRUGGED-OUT KID
Two-hundred fifty-four million canolis.
Jesus fucking Christ on a Thai stick.
You could buy enough drugs
to open a fucking pharmacy.

Meet DARRYL HEAD (22),
ne’er do well drug enthusiast.

Rail-thin, red hair in a frizzy afro,
with a matching soul patch
that threatens to overtake his chin.

STONER GIRL
Damn. Imagine being able to
walk into a store and buy
whatever the fuck you want.
I’d get me a PINK HUMMER.

Meet WENDY HAMMERS (18),
high school drop-out.

Saucy in a belly-T,
daisy dukes and flip-flops.

Big, bottle blonde ponytails
on either side of her head.

Girl-next-door cute,
but the hard partying is
starting to dim her luster.

DARRYL
I’d get me a pink hummer --
from you.

DENNY HEAD (18),
Darryl’s ‘special needs’ little brother,
sits on the floor indian-style,
cradling a giant bong in his lap.

Natty in surfer jams
and a ‘Weeds’ T-shirt.

He EXHALES a giant cloud of smoke.
Grins, eyes druggy slits.

DENNY
She said 'hummer.'

Darryl WHIPS his head to the left,
eyes flashing.

He’s just had another one of his
‘brilliant ideas.’

DARRYL
Wait a minute.
He lives in Santa Monica, too.

He goes to the kitchen counter.
Grabs a phone book.

Rifles through it.
Wendy and Denny watch him, excited.

WENDY
What’s up, honey-bunny?

Darryl finds the listing.
A maniacal grin.

He WHIRLS around.
Jabs a finger at them.
Eyes blazing.

DARRYL
Basil Keko lives on Bay Street.
That’s only ten blocks away.

DENNY
We gonna go visit him?

WENDY
I know that look.
You just got one of your
'big ideas,' didn’t you?

Darryl nods.
Dashes over to the coffee table.
Leans down. SNARFS up a line of meth.

Jumps back up.
Starts pacing the room
like a wild animal.
Thinking. Plotting. Planning.

DARRYL
This is gonna be our biggest score EVER.
It’s gonna go down in HISTORY.
We’re gonna be set for LIFE.
They’ll make a MOVIE about it.
(rubs his hands together)
Ommigod, when I’m brilliant,
I’m fucking BRILLIANT.

WENDY
Whatta you wanna do, rob him?

DARRYL
No, no, no. Too dangerous.
The announcer said he used to be a cop.

DENNY
Then what you wanna do, Darryl?

DARRYL
He said that he was married, right?

WENDY
Right --

DARRYL
So we fucking KIDNAP his wife.

WENDY
Holy shit.

DARRYL
Is that fucking brilliant or WHAT?

DENNY
Like taking candy from a lady.

And he FIRES UP another bong hit.

Electro-Glide In Lube

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 2 of LEGS, Episode 3, private eye Carrie Love and her porn star girlfriend Laura Lang make kinky love like they witnessed at Club Fuck the night before, bringing Carrie to new heights of pleasure. Meanwhile, Carrie's ex-husband's father wins 250-million dollars in the powerball lottery, and accepts his prize, live on TV ...


INT. CARRIE’S BUNGALOW - BEDROOM - NIGHT
The brittle, aching, subterranean croon
of David Bowie’s cover of GOD ONLY KNOWS over --

CARRIE (V.O.)
You know what they say.
When in Rome --

Ghostly, eerie in the light
from a lone candle.

Carrie’s handcuffed to the bedposts
in bra and panties.

Laura kneels before her.
Flogging Carrie gently. Delicately.

And on each swirling whissssk
of the soft straps --
Carrie jerks with new pleasure.

The flogging quickens.
Softer. Closer. Deeper.

Carrie writhes. Moans.
Then HOWLS AT THE MOON.

A carnal, animal bray.
SHRIEKING like a banshee virgin
finally finding release.

Then starts crying, sobbing from so much.
Laura THROWS the flogger to the floor.

Reaches up. Unfastens Carrie’s wrists.
Throws her arms around her. Holds her.

INT. CARRIE’S KITCHEN - DAY
The lovers sit on bar stools.
Carrie feeds Laura a
White Castle cheeseburger.
She wolfs it down in one gulp.

CARRIE
I think I hurt my back.

LAURA
I think I hurt my tongue.

CARRIE
It’s the dawn of a new era
in my sexual exploits.
I came without you even touching me.
(sings)
'It’s a whole new world' --

They stare at each other.
Goofy. Lean in. Kiss.

LAURA
Mmm. That was good.

CARRIE
And you liked the burger?

LAURA
You taste better.
(beat)
Would you nuke a couple more?
Please?

CARRIE
For you, my love,
I’d nuke heaven and earth.
(goes to the microwave, pops a few more in)
So what’s the name of the movie?

LAURA
Electro-Glide in Lube.

CARRIE
Aren’t you scared?
I’ve seen that gear.
Looks kinda dangerous to me.
All that voltage up your --

The microwave DINGS.
Carrie gets up.
Gets the burgers.

LAURA
Don’t worry, love, I’ll be fine.
Klaus said I’d have the controls.
Set phasers to ‘stun’ so to speak.

CARRIE
(serves them)
I know. I’m sorry.
It’s none of my business.

LAURA
(takes one)
You’re so good to me.

CARRIE
You’re so good to me.

Laura’s eyes are bright, liquid.
She looks small, fragile in her big,
white terry cloth robe.
Makeup long gone.

LAURA
Sometimes I -- don’t think
I deserve someone like you.

CARRIE
Hey. Enough of that. You deserve it.
I deserve it. We’re just people.
Both of us. We both deserve it.

LAURA
(a whisper)
Then why doesn’t it feel like it?

INT. TV STUDIO - SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
A GRINNING LOTTERY OFFICIAL (40’s)
in a sharp suit holds a giant check.

Next to him stands BASIL KEKO (60’s),
Bernie’s father, a big barrel of a man.

Once rock-hard, now soft and doughy,
but still with the stern face of a cop.
Which he was.

GRINNING LOTTERY OFFICIAL
I now present to the winner
of the Powerball Lottery,
Basil Keko of Santa Monica,
this check in the amount of
two-hundred fifty-four MILLION dollars.

Grinning hands it to Basil,
who stares into the camera,
a deer in the klieg lights.

BASIL
Th-thanks.

GRINNING LOTTERY OFFICIAL
Do you know what you’re going to do
with this sudden windfall?

BASIL
Uh, pay off my mortgage --
take the wife on vacation --
(smiles)
And buy myself a big boat.

Be It Ever So Kinky, There's No Place Like Home

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Apologies for not starting the new story yesterday, but I found out my building is being fumigated for termites, and I had to find a place to stay (which I did), but somehow doing the blog got lost in the shuffle. Yikes. That's never happened before.

Today I'm proud to present Episode 3 of LEGS, the story of private eye Carrie Love, which as I mentioned before is being considered at Showtime, and last week my manager told me he's also going to send to HBO. Let the bidding war begin!

In Chapter 1, we catch up with private eye Carrie Love and her porn star girlfriend Laura Lang at Club Fuck, where they're watching an S&M 'demonstration' in 'the play room' ...


EXT. CLUB FUCK - NIGHT
A faceless warehouse on the
cheap end of the Sunset Strip.

Nasty industrial music
dully thump-thumps from within.

Laura and Carrie wait in line
behind the velvet rope.

Laura’s done up like some kind of
stormtrooper from a Dick Cheney wet dream
in leather and rubber.

Carrie, just getting her feet wet
in a cute little latex dress
that’s too short, too tight.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I don’t know how it happened,
but Club Fuck became our hangout.

The FREAKISHLY TATTOOED
AND PIERCED TRIBAL BOUNCER (20’s)
looks at them. Smiles. Nods.
Lifts the rope.

LAURA
Ready to get totally depraved?

CARRIE
Yes, please.

And they go in.

INT. CLUB FUCK - FRONT BAR
A carnival of perversion.
The fall of Rome.
Fellini, on tap.

The magic couple pound shots.
Hands all over each other.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Now that I was there with Laura,
it no longer felt like a freak show.
It felt --like home.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
It’s the nipple clamp version
of the Star Wars bar.
I love it.

LAURA
(takes her hand)
Then c’mon, love --
let’s tighten the screws.

INT. CLUB FUCK - DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT
Carrie and Laura bump and grind
in a hailstorm of strobe lights
to the throbbing groove,
lost in the teaming crowd,
delirious. Intoxicated. Inflamed.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It felt like a place where
you could be yourself,
no matter who --
or what you were.

They lock eyes. Stop dancing. Kiss.
Laura GRABS Carrie’s hair.

Pulls her head back.
Starts sucking. Biting. Feasting.

CARRIE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Be it ever so kinky,
there’s no place like home.
IN A DARK CORNER

Laura untwists a little vial.
HONKS up a hit of something white.
Then another.

Then gives Carrie a couple.
HONK. HONK.

Carrie grins crookedly.
Downs her drink.
Then kisses her.

CARRIE (V.O.)
A friend in need is a friend in heat.

INT. CLUB FUCK - PLAY ROOM - NIGHT
The druggy, depraved goth-rock of
Daniel Ash’s COMING DOWN
bubbles under the dark dankness.

At the other end, a small
wooden platform bathed in red light.

Carrie and Laura stand up front
off to the side, watching.

A GIANT DOMINATRIX (30’s)
leads a YOUNG GIRL (18)
up onto the stage.

The CROWD, a motley assortment of
male, female and everything in-between
watches with rapt attention.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I’ve never been what you’d call
conservative in the sack,
and I’ve always been
drawn to the dark side,
but this was taking
sexual experimentation
to a whole new level.

Giant Dominatrix holds Young Girl’s hand.
Guides her over to a large wooden cross
on its side, like a big ‘X’.

Young Girl’s eyes
flicker with anticipation.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I suddenly found myself getting
sucked into a vortex of
dominance and submission that
would make the Marquis de Sade blush.

Giant places Young Girl’s wrist
into a shackle on the cross.

CLICKS it shut.
Then does the other. CLICK.

Then slowly reaches up to the zipper
of her bodysuit at her at throat.

Slowly, slowly zips it down.
Revealing plain, girlish lingerie.
Pale, trembling skin.

CARRIE (V.O.)
My mind was racing.
I’d played handcuff games,
but this was The story of O,
Exit to Eden and Fifty Shades Of Gray
all rolled into one.

Dominatrix then places Young Girl’s
left ankle on the cross.

CLICKS the shackle shut.
Then does the right. CLICK.

Strokes Young’s calf with
her black vinyl-gloved hand.

Young shudders.
Then slowly, achingly --
goes up, up her leg.

Reaches her soft, milky thigh.
Then stops.

CARRIE (V.O.)
In 'normal' relationships
there’s conflict about who’s in control --
but in this scenario,
the roles are clearly defined.

Young Girl quivers. Bites her lip.
Closes her eyes.

A tear of pleasure trickles down.
Giant’s hand continues on it’s journey.

Reaches her panties.
A small wet spot glistens.

She stops. Young’s hips buckle.
She can’t take it. Please.

CARRIE (V.O.)
There’s no struggle.
You can just let go --
and swim in a sea of pleasure.

A FETISH COUPLE (20’s)
watches, holding hands.

GIRL dabs her eyes.
BOY leans over.
Softly kisses her pierced cheek.

Carrie stares.
Eyes wide as saucers.
Laura squeezes her hand.

CARRIE (V.O.)
And then, before I knew it,
I was scared shitless --
because I was so fucking turned on.

Dead Mexican Work For Ya?

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 15 of DICK & HONEY, we reach the exciting conclusion of our story, in which our intrepid bounty hunters/would-be comedy team brings Ponzi schemer Roland Forsythe to justice and then get their next job, which scares the shit out of them ...

EXT. ROLAND’S BIG BEAR CABIN - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT
Simone stands in front of the door.
Honey’s on the left, derringer aimed.

Dick’s on the right,
holding a big stick.

Simone looks at them. They nod.
She KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCKS.

SIMONE
Honey, it’s me. I MADE it.

The door OPENS.
Roland stands there, smiling.

ROLAND
Baby-face. Thank god you’re okay.
(sees her arm)
Oh my god. What happened to --

Dick CRACKS him on the head.
He goes down, THWUMP.

DICK
One down, one to go.

They wait. Listen.
Dick peers around the corner. Looks.

HONEY
What do you see?

DICK
Dead Mexican work for ya?

INT. ALABAMA BROWN BAIL BONDS - NIGHT
Roland sits in a chair in the corner,
hands cuffed behind him.
Alabama glares at Dick and Honey.

ALABAMA
I don’t care.
You only get HALF.

HONEY
But we didn’t shoot him.

ALABAMA
What happened to the Mexican?

DICK
He’s dead. Roland shot him.
They must have gotten into an argument.

ROLAND
I’m not saying a word
until I speak with my attorney,
after I see a DOCTOR.

ALABAMA
(to Dick)
You just left behind a dead body?

DICK
We made an anonymous tip to the cops.

ALABAMA
So how did you find him?
Wait, don’t tell me.
The less I know, the better.
(hands cash to Honey)
There you go.
I got another one
if you’re interested.

DICK
Thanks, but after these shenanigans,
I’d like to take a breather.

HONEY
Dick. We’ve only got
enough for the back rent,
and this month is due next week --

DICK
(to Alabama)
Okay, I’ll bite. Who is it?

Alabama grins.
Holds up a ‘wanted’ poster of a
huge, ugly, VERY dangerous-looking dude.

ALABAMA
This is a good one.
Ordell ‘The Cleaver’ Washington.
Killed his wife with a butcher’s knife.
And we’re talking the same money.

PUSH IN ON Dick and Honey’s faces.
Scared to death.

DICK
That’s -- great.

HONEY
Can’t -- wait.

INT. DICK AND HONEY’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Dick and Honey sit on the couch with cocktails.
CLINK their glasses. Take a sip.

HONEY
After a day like that,
I think we’ve more than earned a martini.

DICK
Or three.
Now I know why cops drink so much.
I’m still jacked up on adrenalin.

HONEY
So I guess now we’re
officially bounty hunters.

DICK
How on earth are we
going to catch ‘The Cleaver?’
He looks fucking scary.

HONEY
We’ll figure out something.

DICK
Maybe start with getting a bigger gun.

HONEY
Maybe you should get a bigger stick.

DICK
Hey. Them’s fighting words.

HONEY
You gonna do something about it?

Dick puts his drink down.
Puts his hand on her knee.

DICK
I seem to remember getting
an invitation to the
garden of earthly delights.

HONEY
Sorry. You have to wait
behind the velvet rope.

DICK
But I’m on the list.

HONEY
Did you bring your hoe?

DICK
I did.
And I’m looking right at her.

HONEY
Oh, you’re in trouble NOW --

She puts her drink down.
GRABS him. They kiss as we --

FADE TO BLACK

The Element Of Surprise

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of DICK & HONEY, our intrepid newly-minted bounty hunters/would-be comedy team arrive at the secret mountain hideout of fugitive Ponzi schemer Roland Forsythe and get ready to take him in, but then get interrupted by ... a call from Dick's mother ...


INT. ROLAND’S BIG BEAR CABIN - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Roland sits in front of
the fireplace in his boxers.

A tourniquet is tied around
the gunshot wound on his thigh.
He gulps from a bottle of vodka.

ROLAND
Why doesn’t she return my calls?
Something must be wrong.

He pours some over the wound. SCREAMS.

EXT. ROLAND’S BIG BEAR CABIN - NIGHT
The Land Rover comes down
the gravel driveway, lights off.

INT. DICK AND HONEY’S LAND ROVER - NIGHT
Dick stops the car.
Shuts off the engine.

Simone is now awake,
a towel tied around her arm.
Glares at them.

DICK
Better not get any closer.
We want the element of surprise.

SIMONE
My arm really hurts.

HONEY
You should of thought of that
when you went for my gun.

DICK
Don’t be a wuss.
It just grazed you.
(sees something)
Shit, there’s a second car.
He’s got a visitor.
What are we gonna do?

HONEY
Maybe another bounty hunter
beat us to the punch.

SIMONE
It’s the guy
who did fake ID’s for us.

DICK
What’s his story?
Is he dangerous?

SIMONE
Uh, yeah?
He’s a criminal, hello. Duh.

DICK
Great. Just great.
This just keeps getting better.

Dick’s cell phone RINGS.
He looks at it.

DICK
Shit, I’ve gotta take this.
(into the phone)
I’m sorry Mom, but right now I’m --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. DICK’S MOTHER’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Very cozy. Old, heavy furniture.
Dick’s mother BARBARA (80)
sits in a big wing chair.

Once a great beauty,
now a bit faded and puffy.
She sports two black eyes.

BARBARA
We just got back from the cruise.
It was terrible.
The sea was very rough.
Three of the ports got cancelled.
Don’s shingles came back
and I got vertigo and
fell onto the buffet table
and then his blood pressure
went up so we had to
go to the medical center --

DICK
Mom, I love you,
but right now I’m in
the middle of catching
a dangerous criminal.
Can I call you back?

BARBARA
‘A dangerous criminal?’
That’s nice.

DICK
Love you. Bye.
(hangs up, to them)
So where were we?

HONEY
What to do about Roland’s visitor.

SIMONE
I’ve got an idea.

HONEY
Like we’re gonna trust you?

SIMONE
Look. You’re taking
him away to go to jail, right?

DICK
Right.

SIMONE
If I help you,
will you let me go?

HONEY
You’d turn in your own boyfriend?

SIMONE
Please. Have you SEEN the fat fuck?
He was just my meal ticket outta LA.
Fucking cesspool.
I never should have left Sheboygan --

Let Your Fingers Do The Felony

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 13 of DICK & HONEY, our newly-minted bounty hunters/would-be comedy team abduct girl toy Simone LeBon at gunpoint and make her take them to Ponzi schemer Roland Forsythe's hideout, which they discover is up on a mountain in Big Bear ...


INT. THE WAGON WHEEL - NIGHT
Simone walks toward the front door.
Honey follows her.

Dick sees them.
JUMPS out of his seat.
DASHES after them.

EXT. THE WAGON WHEEL - FRONT ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Simone walks outside,
followed by Honey,
followed by Dick.

DICK
What the hell do you
think you’re DOING?

HONEY
I had a brainstorm.
This way she can lead us
right to him.

They get to the car. Stop.

DICK
You’re a genius.

HONEY
About time you noticed.

Simone LUNGES at Honey.
Tries to GRAB the gun
she’s holding in her pocket. BANG.
Simone GRABS her arm.

SIMONE
OW. You SHOT me.

HONEY
No I didn’t.
You grabbed the gun.
You shot yourself.

Dick PUNCHES Simone.
She HITS the ground, THWUMP.

HONEY
Why did you have HIT her?

DICK
She went for your gun.

HONEY
Get her in the car, Rocky.

INT. DICK AND HONEY’S LAND ROVER - NIGHT
Dick gets behind the wheel.
Honey glares at him.

HONEY
Great going.
Now how are gonna
we find him? Huh?

DICK
She’ll wake up.
I didn’t KILL her
.
HONEY
Wait a minute. Her phone.
(smiles)
Let your fingers do the felony.

INT. DICK AND HONEY’S LAND ROVER - MOVING - NIGHT
Dick drives. Honey plays with
Simone’s smart phone intently.

HONEY
Got it.
Rat bastard’s in Big Bear.
Some cabin up on a mountain.

DICK
Well, of course he is.
It wouldn’t be someplace
EASY to get to.

HONEY
That’s the whole point
of a hideout, Dick.

DICK
I knew that.

The Hungry Heffer

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of DICK & HONEY, our intrepid comedy team/would-be bounty hunters follow escaped Ponzi schemer Roland Forsythe's girl toy to a truck stop with a view to following her to Roland's secret lair ... but then Honey suddenly turns the tables in a surprising move ...


INT. THE WAGON WHEEL - DUSK
Brightly lit, done up in a ‘country’ motif.
The joint is packed with
TRUCKERS, WHITE TRASH and FAT FAMILIES.

Dick and Honey walk in,
take a look around.

HONEY
I thought California
was a blue state.

DICK
My god.
I can smell the
deep fat from here.

HONEY
Check out the
saddle bags on that one.
They should call this place
‘The Hungry Heffer.’

DICK
There she is, over there.
Let’s sit over here.

He ushers her over to a booth
off to the side. They sit.

HONEY
I think we’re too close.
She’ll be able to see us.

DICK
Nah. She’s wouldn’t notice
if the place was on fire.
See how she’s glued to
her I-Phone, head bent low?
Remember when we went to the beach
and saw that girl texting
while she was walking?

HONEY
How could I forget?
You walked right into her boobs.

DICK
I told you it was an accident.

SOUTHERN FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
How are ya’ll doing tonight?
Hope ya’ll brought big appetites.

Meet the WAITRESS (40’s) a plump
good ‘ol gal poured into a
waitress outfit two sizes too small.

Buttons about to burst.
She smiles cheerily,
hands them giant menus.

PLUMP WAITRESS
Can I get you something
to drink while you decide?

DICK
Two coffees, please.

HONEY
Do you have any specials?

PLUMP WAITRESS
Everything we got is special.
My favorite is the pulled pork.

HONEY
(off Dick’s look)
Don’t say it.

PLUMP WAITRESS
I’ll be right back
with your coffees.
She waddles away.

HONEY
If she knows we’re following her,
she must have called him.
We have to come up with a new plan.

DICK
No shit. Have any ideas?

HONEY
I’m thinking, I’m thinking.
(sees something)
I’m going to the ladies room.
Wait here.

She gets up. Walks away.
Dick watches her go. Snorts.

DICK
Right. Like I’m gonna follow her.

INT. THE WAGON WHEEL - LADIES ROOM - NIGHT
Honey walks in.
Simone comes out of a stall.
Sees Honey.

SIMONE
I know you’re following me.
I called my boyfriend.
He’s expecting you.
Some private detectives YOU are.

HONEY
(WHIPS OUT her derringer)
I’m a bounty hunter, toots.
Shut the fuck up
and you won’t get hurt.
We’re gonna go out to the
parking lot and get in my car.
(puts the gun in her jacket pocket, still holding it)
You go first.
Any monkey business
and I swear to god I’ll shoot.

SIMONE
You’re -- serious.

HONEY
As a hemorrhoid.
Move it, tramp.

SIMONE
HEY.

HONEY
I said MOVE it,
before I blow a hole
in your fun-bags. MARCH.

Bimbo's Gotta Eat

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 11 of DICK & HONEY, our intrepid newly-minted bounty hunters/wannabe comedy team follows escaped felon Roland Forsythe's bimbo to ... a truck stop, much to their chagrin. Meanwhile, Roland meets with a forger who supplies him with new false ID's. Unfortunately, the meeting takes a violent turn ...


EXT. INTERSTATE FREEWAY - TRUCK STOP - DUSK
One of those nasty joints where you can
get gas, buy shitty souvenirs
in a tacky store and have bad food.

Simone’s Honda pulls off the freeway.
Drives towards ‘The Wagon Wheel.’

INT. DICK AND HONEY’S LAND ROVER - MOVING - DUSK
Dick follows her into the restaurant parking lot.

HONEY
What the fuck?
Now she’s gonna eat?

DICK
Bimbo’s gotta eat.
Need strength climbing the pole.

HONEY
So what are we gonna do?
Just wait out here?

DICK
Hell, no.
We’re gonna go inside,
keep an eye on her.
Maybe have a piece of pie.

HONEY
Who made you the boss
all of a sudden?

DICK
Uh -- Tony Danza?

HONEY
‘Who’s the Boss?’
Dick, you’re slipping.

DICK
Hey. It’s not always gonna be
the ‘A’ material, okay?

INT. ROLAND’S BIG BEAR CABIN - DUSK
Roland sits on the couch.

JORGE VARGAS (30’s),
Mexican forger extraordinaire
sits across from him in a wing chair.

Roland leafes through the ID’s
sitting on the coffee table.

ROLAND
Amazing work. All that detail.
(examines a card)
You even got the hologram right.

JORGE
Thank you.
I take pride in my work.
(pulls out a gun)
And because I had to do them
in half the time we
originally agreed to,
the price has now quadrupled.

ROLAND
Careful with that.
It might go off.

JORGE
It WILL go off
if you don’t PAY me. NOW.

ROLAND
Alright, alright.
Keep your chalupas on.

Roland reaches over to a briefcase
on the coffee table.

CLICKS it open, WHIPS OUT a gun.
SHOOTS Jorge in the chest. BANG.

Jorge FIRES at Roland. BANG.
Hits him in the leg.

Roland SHOOTS again, BANG, BANG, BANG.
Jorge slumps over.

ROLAND
How’s THAT for immigration reform?

Sit On My Facebook

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 10 of DICK & HONEY, our intrepid bounty hunters follow actress/model Simone LeBon, on her way to hook up with escaped Ponzi scheme fugitive Roland Forsythe. Problem is, Simone knows what Dick & Honey are up to, and tries to lose them ...


INT. SIMONE’S HONDA CIVIC - MOVING - DAY
Simone drives with one hand,
talks on her cell with the other.
Looks in the rearview mirror.

SIMONE
That’s what I said.
A pair of private investigators
are following me.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. ROLAND’S BIG BEAR CABIN - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Roland sits on the couch talking on his cell.

ROLAND
They’re not private investigators,
they’re BOUNTY HUNTERS.
Pull over to the
side of the road.
Let ‘em pass you.

SIMONE
Then what do I do?

ROLAND
Wait a few minutes,
then keep going.
When you get to the
next rest stop,
pull over and go
to the restaurant.
I’ll come meet you later.

SIMONE
Is the guy there
with the new ID’s yet?

ROLAND
No. If he was,
I’d meet you now
and deal with them myself.

SIMONE
Oh. Right.

ROLAND
Don’t worry.
Everything’s gonna be okay.
Just do what I say
and hang tight.
Once I get the ID’s,
I’ll call you.
Just stay in the restaurant.

SIMONE
But I’m not hungry.

ROLAND
Get something to drink
and check your Facebook page
on your phone.

SIMONE
Ooh. Gnarly. Okay, hun.
See you soon.

She hangs up.
Roland looks at his phone.
Shakes his head.

ROLAND
A few fries
short of a Happy Meal,
but she sure gives
a mean rusty trombone.

EXT. INTERSTATE FREEWAY - DAY
Simone’s car pulls off the freeway.
Parks in the shoulder.
The Land Rover drives by.

INT. DICK AND HONEY’S LAND ROVER - MOVING - DAY
Dick and Honey stare out the window,
open-mouthed.

DICK
What the hell?
Why did she pull over?

HONEY
She saw us.
Go around this curve and pull over.

INT. SIMONE’S HONDA CIVIC - DAY
Simone sits in her seat.
Plays with her phone.

SIMONE
‘Sit on my Facebook?’
Ew. Rude much?
(presses the screen)
You’re UNFRIENDED, hater.
Poke THAT.

INT. DICK AND HONEY’S LAND ROVER - DAY
The Land Rover is parked in the shoulder.

DICK
What the fuck are we supposed to do NOW?

HONEY
(sees out the window)
There she goes. Follow her.

DICK
But if I follow her,
she’ll see us again.

HONEY
Yeah, but if we don’t follow her,
we won’t find HIM.

DICK
But if she knows we’re following her,
she’ll drive somewhere else.

HONEY
That doesn’t make sense.
Then how’s she gonna meet up with him?

DICK
Well, yeah, but --

HONEY
But what?

He pulls back onto the freeway.
HITS the gas.

DICK
Are you trying to
make me look foolish?

HONEY
As if you need any
help with that. Please.

DICK
Got that right --

No Shit, Shylock

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 9 of DICK & HONEY, our intrepid bounty hunters follow Simone LeBon, girl toy of escaped Ponzi scheme felon Roland Forsythe as he heads to his secret lair. The problem is, they still haven't come up with a plan on how they're gonna catch him ...


INT. DICK AND HONEY’S LAND ROVER - DAY
Dick and Honey sit and watch Simone’s house,
now further on down the street.

HONEY
She’s lying.
She’s going to see him.

DICK
No shit, Shylock.

HONEY
It’s ‘Sherlock.’

DICK
What?

HONEY
The expression is
‘no shit, Sherlock.’

A shylock is a money lender,
like in The Merchant Of Venice.

DICK
Is that like Merchant and Ivory?

HONEY
No, no, no.
It’s a reference
to Sherlock Holmes.

DICK
But what about Merchant and Ivory?
I used to love their films.
I wonder what happened to them.

HONEY
Never mind. I give up.
(beat)
Hey. Did you know they were gay?
That they’re a couple?

DICK
Well, that sure as hell
would explain ‘Howard’s End.’

EXT. SIMONE’S HOUSE - FRONT CURB - DAY
Simone gets in her old, beat-up Honda Civic.
Drives away.

DICK AND HONEY’S LAND ROVER
Waits a moment.
Then starts following it.

EXT. INTERSTATE FREEWAY - DAY
The Honda travels out of Los Angeles.
The Land Rover follows.

INT. DICK AND HONEY’S LAND ROVER - MOVING - DAY
Dick and Honey watch Simone’s car
through the windshield.

DICK
What are we gonna do
when we get there?
We need to think this through.
(off her look)
This whole thing was your idea.
We’ve gotta come up with a plan.

HONEY
I’m thinking, I’m thinking.

DICK
What if he’s got a gun? Huh?
Did you think of that?
Your gun looks like a toy.

HONEY
I’ve got it. We let her go in,
then knock on the door and
pepper spray him in the face.
Give ‘em a little Occupy action.

DICK
‘Occupy action?’
I thought you were a liberal.

HONEY
Who says liberals
can’t get down and dirty?
Bill Maher? Jon Stewart?
We’re all up in that shit --