Sit On My Facebook

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 10 of GUN-WILD, trigger-happy teenage runaway heiress Cam Clinch and the gang rob The First Fisherman's Bank ... with bloody results.

EXT. BANK - DAY
Hondo and Net walk over to Cam.
Pull their scarves over their noses.
WHIP OUT their guns.

HONDO
Let’s do it.

Music EXPLODES.
The crazed, white-hot surf/rockabilly reverb hip-shake
of The Reverend Horton Heat’s WIGGLE STICK over --

CAM
BANGS open the front door.

INSIDE THE BANK
She points her shotgun at the SECURITY GUARD (30),
a young, virile-looking hunk.

What the hell?
This ain’t no ‘old fart.’

CAM
Shit.

GUARD
(sees the gun)
HEY!

Cam PISTOL-WHIPS him, CRACK.
He hits the ground.

THE HIGH-SCHOOL GIRLS
Scream. FREEZE in their tracks. Whimpering.

CAM
HANDS IN THE AIR.
This is a ROBBERY.

HONDO AND NET
BURST in the door.

Sawed-off shotguns aloft.
KA-CHINK, KA-CHINK.

HONDO
Nobody FUCKING MOVE!

A TELLER
An OLDER WOMAN (60) --
stares, open-mouthed. FAINTS.
Hits the floor, THWUMP.

THE OTHER TELLER
An ATTRACTIVE SOCCER MOM (40) --
SHOOTS her hands in the air.

HER FOOT
Presses a button on the floor.
Hitting the silent alarm.

CAM
Pulls out a can of paint.
SPRAYS the security camera.

THE GUARD
Gets up slowly, holding his head.
Reaches for his gun.

GUARD
Fucking -- bitch.

CAM
Sees him. Points the can.
SPRAYS his face black.

He puts his hands over his eyes.
SCREAMS in pain.

GUARD
My EYES, my EYES.

She WHIPS AROUND. Sees the high school girls.
SHOVES her gun in their terrified faces.

CAM
On THE GROUND, NOW.

The girls stare, paralyzed with fear.

CAM
I said GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND!

They HIT THE FLOOR.
Hugging each other. Crying.

CAM
Gimme your CELL PHONES.

SCARED SHITLESS CHICK
But -- my I-phone --

CAM
DO IT! NOW!

The girls TOSS them.
Cam STOMPS on the I-phone. CRUNCH.

CAM
Sit on my FACEBOOK.

Then CRACKS her boot on the BlackBerry.

CAM
Twitter-twitter, little WHORE.

HONDO AND NET
SHOVE their shotguns in Soccer Mom’s face.
Net THROWS a gym bag on the counter.

HONDO
Empty the drawer into the bag.

SOCCER MOM
Okay, okay, okay --

She starts shoving cash in the bag.

HONDO
Now the other drawer.
You cooperate, and no one’s gonna get hurt.

Soccer hesitates, scared shitless.

NET
DO IT, NOW!
Or I’ll blow your fucking HEAD OFF.

She opens the drawer, pulls out cash,
stuffs it in the bag.

HONDO
Now THE VAULT.

Soccer turns and looks at the vault.
The stacks of cash.

Net SHOVES her shotgun
against Soccer’s temple.

NET
Are you RETARDED?
Empty the FUCKING VAULT.

Soccer’s face turns RED.
Having a seizure.

Falls to the floor, twitching,
grabbing her throat. Tongue lolling out.

SOCCER MOM
GAAAAA --

HONDO
Goddammit.
(GRABS the bag)
You want anything done,
you gotta do it YOURSELF.

Hondo goes the vault.
Starts shoving in banded wads of cash.

THE GUARD
GRAPPLES Cam around the waist.
Grasping for her gun.

Cam CRACKS him in the head with the barrel.
He REELS backwards.

CAM
On the FLOOR, NOW --
or I’ll BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF.

THE GUARD
Pulls out his gun.

Starts moving in the direction of her voice.
Blindly waving it toward her.

She SHOOTS HIM in the head -- BANG.
It EXPLODES in a red mist.

He HITS the floor.
A pool of blood starts growing.

CAM
I hate it when they don’t listen.

HONDO
(looks)
What THE FUCK?

CAM
He wouldn’t listen.

A siren WHOOP-WHOOPS outside.

NET
THE COPS.
Hondo looks at his watch.
Two minutes. GRABS the bag.

HONDO
Let’s MOVE IT.

He races toward the back door.
Net follows him. Then Cam.

HONDO
(pushes it)
It’s FUCKING LOCKED.

Cam raises her gun.
BLASTS the door off its hinges. BANG.

CAM
Now it’s NOT.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
POLICE! DON’T MOVE!

They turn. Look.

A pair of SANTA MONICA COPS
stand in the doorway.
Guns pointed at them.

HONDO
(to Cam)
You didn’t LOCK THE DOOR.

CAM
Shit.

ANGRY COP
DROP YOUR GUNS! NOW!

CAM
Go FUCK YOURSELF!

She SHOOTS the cop.
He FLIES BACKWARD.
Shoots at the ceiling.

The SECOND COP fires at Cam.
She DUCKS. FIRES. BANG. BANG.

Blows a hole in his belly.
He SCREAMS in pain.

Hondo GRABS Cam’s hand.

HONDO
COME ON!

Races out the door, pulling her.
Net follows them into --

THE REAR ALLEY
Where Rod is parked in the Olds,
engine idling. Doors open.

Hondo THROWS the bag onto the rear seats.
Jumps in front.

Cam and Net pile in after him,
get in the back. SLAM the doors.

A COP runs into the back alley.
Aims his gun at them.

COP
STOP, POLICE!

Rod pulls out his Sig Sauer,
SQUEEZES of a few rounds --
BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG.
The cop crumples to the ground.

ROD
Lock and load, MOTHERFUCKER.

STOMPS on the gas, and they
PEEL OUT in a SCREECH of rubber.

See You In The Obituaries

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 9 of GUN-WILD, trigger-happy teenage heiress Cam Clinch, her squeeze Rod Funk and psycho bank robbers Hondo Ruff and Net Cargo arrive at the bank and get ready to rob the joint ...


EXT. FIRST FISHERMAN’S BANK - NOON
A small-town plain brick building
on a Main Street corner.

Rod’s Olds pulls up
to the curb in front.

INT. OLDS CONVERTIBLE - CONTINUOUS
On the car stereo,
the Ventures’ HAWAII FIVE-O.

Hondo leans over, CLICKS it off.

NET
Hey! I LIKE that song.

HONDO
This ain’t no TV show.
This is serious shit, girlie.
We’re jacking a fucking BANK.

CAM
That was from a TV show?

ROD
You don’t remember HAWAII FIVE-O?
Jack Lord? Book ‘em, Danno?

CAM
Hawaii-what-o?
Book ‘em who-o?

ROD
I’m getting old.

HONDO
ENOUGH ALREADY.
Who the fuck you
think you are, Tarantino?
(SLAPS the seat)
Go check the bank window, Gidget.

Cam opens her door.
Gets out. SLAMS it.

CAM
Stop calling me GIDGET.
My name is CAM.

NET
(imitates her)
'Stop calling me Gidget.
My name is CAM.'

She drains her beer. BURPS.

HONDO
Excuse me, CAM.
PLEASE go check and see
how many customers
are in the bank,
PRETTY PLEASE?

CAM
That’s better.

Cam storms over
to the bank entrance.

HONDO
Jesus fucking Christ on a stick,
what’s got her panties in a bind?

ROD
She told me
her story last night.
She’s a runaway
from a mental institution.
Daddy locked her up.
It’s -- fucked up.

HONDO
(big smile)
Don’t tell me --
her daddy diddled her?

ROD
Worse.

HONDO
Now THAT’S my kinda girl.

NET
(PUNCHES him in the arm)
SHUT UP.

Hondo stares at her.

HONDO
You mean -- ?

NET
I said SHUT THE FUCK UP.
(beat)
Asshole.

HONDO
Jeez. Touchy --

EXT. BANK ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS
Cam goes to the window.
Peers inside. Turns around.

Comes back to the car.
Leans over the side. Whispers.

CAM
Only a couple people.
Two Juicy Couture
high school bitches
sucking machiattas.

HONDO
Piece of cake.
Places please, kids.
It’s show-time.

Hondo and Net
slide on baseball caps.
Shades.

Tie scarves around their necks.
Pile out of the car.

HONDO
(to Rod)
See you in the obituaries --

Happiness Is A Warm Gun

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of GUN-WILD, after successfully robbing the 7-11, trigger-happy runaway Cam Clinch has passed her initiation, so the gang heads to the beach, where they start planning their next job ... robbing a bank ...


INT. OLDS CONVERTIBLE - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Hondo BANGS on the back of her seat.

HONDO
She did it! She DID IT!
You did it, baby-doll.

NET
HA. 'Gidget grows up.'

ROD
(shit-eating grin)
How do you feel?

Cam beams with million-dollar wattage.
Eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.

CAM
Happiness is a WARM GUN.

EXT. SANTA MONICA PIER - PARKING LOT - DAY
A large, empty lot adjacent to the pier at the beach.

The Olds is parked near the sand.
Surf guitar on the stereo.

Hondo sits on the back of the car,
legs dangling onto the rear seats.

Net snuggles next to him.
They drain cans of beer.
SMASH the empties on their foreheads.

HONDO
(sings)
When the sun goes down,
and the moon comes up --

NET
I turn into a teenage GOO-GOO MUCK.

Rod and Cam walk up the car.
Pant legs rolled up, barefoot.

CAM
Water’s WARM.

ROD
(grabs her, tickles her)
Gidget goes SURFING.

CAM
(laughing)
Stop calling me GIDGET.

Hondo leans down, GRABS a six-pack.
Tears off a beer.

HONDO
Play-time is over, kiddies.
We got work to do.

He TOSSES the can. Rod CATCHES it.

CAM
Me, too -- gimmee, gimmee.

Hondo CRACKS off another one.
Tosses it. HARD. She GRABS it.

CAM
OW.

HONDO
Look who’s getting all
self-confident and shit.
(beat)
Okay, sports fans, listen up.

He jumps out of the car.
Pulls out a piece of graph paper
out of his jacket. Unfolds it.
Lays it down on the hood.

Everyone gathers around.

HONDO
(points)
Okay. Here’s the window
where the two tellers are.
(points)
And there in the corner is the vault.
It’s ALWAYS open during business hours.

NET
Stupid hillbillies.

CAM
Santa Monica’s no hillbilly town.
We’re talking rich, Benz-driving,
Starbucks-swilling, yoga class assholes.

HONDO
Shut up and listen.
Enough from the peanut gallery.
(points)
Here’s where the security camera is.
Right above the front door.
After we walk in,
Cam’s gonna spray-paint it.

CAM
Got it.

HONDO
(to Cam)
Here’s how it’s gonna work.
You go in first and get the guard.

CAM
GET the guard?

HONDO
Don’t worry. He’s an old fart.
Just waive your gun in his face
and he’ll piss his pants.

CAM
Okay.

HONDO
Then yell out
NOBODY MOVE, THIS IS A ROBBERY --
and then Net and I come in with our shotguns.
Then spray-paint the camera
and make the guard lock the door behind us.

CAM
I’m on it.

HONDO
Then Net and I will do our thing
and clean the fucking place out.
(beat)
Now here’s the best part.
The place is always fucking dead.
Cam here will hang around a bit in front
and check real casual-like
to see who’s in there.
When it’s empty, we go in.

ROD
That’s fuckin’ brilliant.

HONDO
I know.

NET
That’s my lil’ bank robber.

HONDO
I love you too, honey-bunny.
(to Rod)
Now what I need you to do, Rod,
is drive around to the rear alley,
and wait for us near the back entrance.

ROD
The bank has a BACK ENTRANCE?

HONDO
Yeah. Told you it was podunk shit.
Fucking teller takes her
SMOKE BREAK out there. I seen her.

ROD
You’ve really thought this out.

HONDO
Learned it in the joint.
Gotta plan the shit out of it.
That makes for a successful job.
No one gets hurt,
and we get a big pile-a dough.

Everyone nods.

HONDO
One last thing.
We gotta do it FAST,
cause these local cops GET THERE fast.
Cop shop’s only a mile away.
Minor drawback, but if
we’re real quick-like,
we’ll manage it.
(holds up his watch)
Everyone synch up. Its now 10:36.
When we get to the bank,
everyone look at the time.
We got two minutes to finish the job --
but if we’re not done in two minutes,
we gotta split.
(beat)
Got it?

NET
Whatever.

Hondo pulls out a joint.
Fires it up. Takes a big hit.
EXHALES. Passes it to Rod.

HONDO
So who feels like
gettin’ some cotton candy?

Moment Of Truth

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 7 of GUN-WILD, trigger-happy runaway heiress Cam Clinch faces her first test as a newly-minted bank robber ... when she knocks over a 7-11 as an initiation ... all by herself ...


INT. 7-11 - EARLY MORNING
Cam BANGS into the store.
STOMPS over to the counter.

JAMS her gun in the CASHIER’S face.
THROWS a bag at him, SLAP.

CAM
Gimme what’s in the register,
NOW, MOTHERFUCKER!

The cashier, a young, skinny black kid (20)
SHOOTS his hands in the air.

Vibrates in place.
Eyes wide as saucers.

SKINNY BLACK CASHIER
Don’t SHOOT, don’t SHOOT.

CAM
The MONEY, NOW!

Confused, scared, the kid
BANGS open the cash register.
Starts stuffing bills into the bag.

CAM
MOVE IT, MOVE IT! FASTER!

IN THE PARKING LOT
In the VW bug, a scuzzy
JUNKIE COUPLE counts their change.

SCUZZY JUNKIE
Seventy-eight, seventy nine -- eighty.

JUNKIE GIRL
A tall boy of Bud.

JUNKIE KID
Be right back.

IN THE STORE
The kid empties the drawer.
Hands Cam the bag.

His eyes travel
to the security camera.

CAM
What the fuck are YOU looking it?

She WHIRLS around. Sees the CAMERA.
Shoots it, BANG.

It EXPLODES in a million pieces.
The clerk SCREAMS.

OUTSIDE IN THE CAR
HONDO
(smiles)
Someone just popped her cherry.

IN THE STORE
Cam WHIRLS back around.
SHOVES her gun in the clerk’s face.

CAM
Now OPEN THE SAFE.

SKINNY BLACK CASHIER
I don’t -- have the key.

CAM
BULL-SHIT!

SKINNY BLACK CASHIER
Lady, I swear --
I don’t know the combination.
I don’t, I SWEAR.

CAM
Oh YEAH?

Cam raises the gun.

SKINNY BLACK CASHIER
I SWEAR.

She aims at the beer cooler
and FIRES, BANG, BANG, BANG.

The glass case EXPLODES.
Broken glass goes FLYING.

CAM
Now open the safe, motherfucker,
before I BLOW your fucking HEAD OFF.

Scuzzy Junkie walks in the store.

SCUZZY JUNKIE
Shit.

CAM
(turns, sees him)
What the fuck do YOU want?

SCUZZY JUNKIE
(starts to leave)
Never mind --

Cam stares. In control.
For the first time in her life.

CAM
No, it’s okay. What do you need?

SCUZZY JUNKIE
I was -- gonna get a beer.

CAM
Go ahead. Help yourself.
On the house.

The kid races over to the beer cooler.
Grabs a six pack.

SCUZZY JUNKIE
Thanks, lady.

CAM
(nods)
Now get THE FUCK outta here.

IN THE PARKING LOT
Rod peers at the door,
tries to see what’s going on.

ROD
What the fuck is going on in there?

HONDO
I dunno. Moment of truth?

Scuzzy comes out of the store
with his beer, races to the Bug.

Hops in, GUNS the engine.
PEELS out of the lot.

ROD
I don’t like this.

NET
We should get some beer.

IN THE STORE
Cam points the gun at the kid’s forehead.

SKINNY BLACK CASHIER
(eyes full of tears)
I swear, lady --
I c-can’t open the safe.
Please don’t kill me. Please.

CAM
I’m gonna count to THREE.
And then I’m gonna blow your
FUCKING HEAD OFF.
(beat)
ONE --

SKINNY BLACK CASHIER
Lady, PLEASE.

CAM
TWO --

SKINNY BLACK CASHIER
I DON’T KNOW!

His bowels EXPLODE
in a massive ERUPTION -- PHHHTWHAAAT.

CAM
(wrinkles her nose)
SHIT.

She WHIRLS AROUND,
and starts SHOOTING up the place.

The kid DIVES for the floor,
writhing and crying hysterically.

BANG. A milk carton EXPLODES.

BANG. A carton of eggs SPRAYS
in a yellow mist.

BANG. The coffee machine EXPLODES
in a geyser of brown.

BANG. Potato chips go FLYING.

Cam stops shooting. Shaking. Vibrating.
She GRABS the bag of money.

Looks around, maniacal, on fire.
Sees a display of TWIZZLERS.

Grabs a handful.
STORMS out the door.

IN THE PARKING LOT
Cam RUNS to the car.
Grinning wildly like an animal.

Something’s changed.
Her face is alive.
Full of fire.

She opens the door.
TOSSES the bag of money to Rod.

FLINGS the Twizzlers at Hondo.

CAM
Brought you a little snack.

Jumps in. SLAMS the door.

CAM
(looks at Rod, wild grin)
Let’s BLOW this joint, hot stuff.

Rod GUNS the engine.
HITS the gas.
The car ROARS off --

Make Us Proud, Gidget

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of GUN-WILD, trigger-happy runaway heiress Cameron Clinch and the gang pull up to a 7-11 in a mini-mall early Sunday morning, where Cam gets ready for her initiation -- by robbing the joint.


EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - DAY
A monster ‘68 Oldsmobile convertible,
white with black interior
ROARS down the coast highway.

INT. OLDS CONVERTIBLE - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
On the car stereo,
X’s JOHNNY HIT AND RUN PAULINE.

Rod’s behind the wheel.
Cam rides shotgun.

Hondo and Net sit
in the back seat, like royalty.

Everyone’s eating burgers.

HONDO
Nice wheels.
Not too inconspicuous.

ROD
Used car lot was closed.
Owner’s on vacation.
We’ll ditch it after the job.

NET
Who wants fries?

Net THROWS her
pack of fries into the air.

They FLY all over everyone.
She erupts into MAD LAUGHTER.

NET
Want some KETCHUP WITH THAT?

Hondo SMACKS her on the head.

HONDO
What the fuck you do that for?
You’re wasting GOOD FOOD.

NET
OW. Fuck-head.

Cam shoots Rod a look.
Rolls her eyes. He shrugs.

ROD
Young love.
Whattaya gonna do?

EXT. MINI-MALL - PARKING LOT - DAY
The dregs. A 7-11. Check cashing.
Nasty chicken joint. Dingy dry cleaners.
Tiny, boarded-up KEYS MADE kiosk.

The Olds SCREECHES
into the tiny parking lot.

The joint is deserted
early on a Sunday morning.
A VW BUG sits idling.

INT. OLDS CONVERTIBLE - CONTINUOUS
Rod shuts off the engine.
Looks at Cam.

She pulls her hair in a ponytail.
Slides on a baseball cap.
Ray-ban shades.

ROD
Ready, doll?

Cam pulls out her piece.
Fingers it.

CAM
Ready as I’ll ever be.

HONDO
Just remember, no matter what
the fucking sign says,
the Slurpee dot-head
curry-motherfucker
can open the safe. Got it?

CAM
Got it.

ROD
If someone shows up,
or if there’s any trouble,
I’ll honk the horn three times.

CAM
Okay.

ROD
Nervous?

CAM
I’m gonna piss
my fucking pants.

NET
Nice, isn’t it?

HONDO
Makes you feel ALIVE.
(SLAPS her seat)
Go on. Make us proud, Gidget.

Hondo leans over.
Kisses her.

ROD
For luck.

NET
Awww, isn’t that sweet.

Cam shoot her a look.
Opens the door. Gets out.

HONDO
Get me a pack of Twizzlers, huh?

She nods. Heads toward the door.
Rod turns, looks at Hondo.

ROD
What if he CAN’T open the safe?

HONDO
Guess we’ll find out, won’t we --

Ripe For The Plucking

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of GUN-WILD, psycho gunman Hondo Ruff makes an offer to trigger-happy runaway Cameron Clinch that she can't refuse ... that she rob a 7/11 on her own as a test in order to join the gang ...


INT. ROD’S JOINT - MORNING
Rod and Cam sit at the kitchen counter
with mugs of coffee.

CAM
First good night’s sleep
I’ve had in a long time.
(sips)
You didn’t try anything.

ROD
I wanted you to
disrespect me in the morning.

CAM
Isn’t the girl supposed to say --

HONDO
Rise and shine, rock stars.

Hondo grabs a stool.
Net appears, slides onto his lap.

They both look like hell.
But goofy-happy.

HONDO
I’m seriously in need
of a cup of java, my good man.

NET
Mmmmm -- me, too.
(holds up her arm)
In my vein, please.

Rod hops off his stool,
goes to the coffee maker.

ROD
How do you take it?

HONDO
Black.

NET
Up the ass.
Up my BLACK ass.
(sings)
'Baby was a black sheep,
baby was a whore.'

Rod slides over a pair of mugs.

HONDO
(takes it, sips)
Thanks, mom.
(looks at Cam)
Hey there, sugar plum.
Still wanna be part of the gang?

CAM
You can go FUCK your gang.

NET
Oooh. Tough-talking.
Sexy when she pouts.

HONDO
If that’s the way
you wanna be.

CAM
What.

HONDO
I had an idea.

ROD
That can be dangerous.

Hondo takes a sip of his coffee.
Locks eyes with Cam.

HONDO
How about if Gidget here
pulls off a job on her lonesome.

ROD
Like a test.

HONDO
Yeah.

CAM
I’ll DO IT.

HONDO
I had a feeling.
(smiles)
We split the take fifty-fifty
Think of it as --
an initiation fee.

CAM
Deal. What’s the job?

HONDO
On the way over here
I noticed this sweet little
Seven-Eleven in the Palisades.
Quiet neighborhood.
Ripe for the plucking.

NET
(touches Cam’s leg)
Like Gidget here.

ROD
(to Net)
You making a pass at my squeeze?

Hondo pulls out his magic bag.
Takes out a vial.

Pours some coke on the counter.
Starts chopping it. Looks up at Rod.

HONDO
You know what they say
about being bi.

ROD
What.

He leans down.
HONKS up a big line.
Wipes his nose.

Looks at Rod with
big, soulful eyes.
Licks his finger.

HONDO
Doubles your chance
of a date on Saturday night --

Smash And Grab

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of GUN-WILD, trigger-happy teenage heiress Cam Clinch and ex-cop Rod Funk hook up with career criminals Hondo Ruff and Net Cargo, who've just finished a job, covered in blood ... and when Hondo announces they need a help with their next job, Cam wants in ...


EXT. MALIBU BEACH - ROD'S JOINT - NIGHT
Rod looks at Cam. Nods. Takes a swig of Jack.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
ROD. Where the fuck ARE you?

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Little dark for surfing, isn’t it?

LAUGHTER. Two FIGURES
appear on top of the rocks.

MALE FIGURE
THERE he is! Hey, Rod.
Where’s the party?

ROD
(looks)
HONDO.

Meet HONDO RUFF (29),
biker-suave in leathers and denim.

Giant black pompadour. Red lizard boots.
Pretty, like a young Chris Walken.
With a menacing gleam in his eye.

Right now he’s carrying
a sawed-off shotgun in one hand,
and a bottle of champagne in the other.

HONDO
What the fuck you doing out here?
And who’s the frill?
(to Cam)
Better watch out for this one, doll --
the notches on his belt have notches.

ROD
What are you trying to do?
Scare off the catch of the day?

Hondo and the girl walk over to them.

HONDO
Not possible, brother.
(nods at the girl)
This here’s Net.

NET
Pleasure’s all yours.

Meet ANNETTE CARGO (25).
Six-feet of toned muscle
poured into an hourglass of leather.

Red lips curled in a brutal sneer.
She’s also got a bottle of Dom. Takes a swig.

We now notice that they both
have blood on their clothes.
Quite a lot of it, in fact.

ROD
What did you kids do?
Slaughter a chicken?

HONDO
Asshole wouldn’t give me the combination.

NET
It was my fault.
(giggles)
Finger slipped.

Cam stares. Entranced.

NET
And who’s the little fishie?

CAM
I’m Cam.

HONDO
Grrrrr. Twin-cam engine.

NET
Get your motor running.

INT. ROD’S JOINT - A LITTLE LATER
The filthy, perverted pyschobilly of
The Cramps’ GOO-GOO MUCK plays on the hi-fi.

A big living room. Full Tiki bar.
Roaring fireplace.

With a fireman’s pole coming down
through the bedroom above.

Hondo’s changed into fresh leathers.
Net’s in a vinyl halter and miniskirt.

Everyone has cocktails.
And at this point,
is more than a little fucked up.

Net GRABS the brass pole.
Cam eyes her.

NET
Daddy warned me to stay off the pole.
(swings a leg around it)
Sorry, Pop.

HONDO
That’s not a stripper pole.

ROD
Previous owner was a fireman.

NET
Well, it’s a stripper pole NOW.

They watch Net dance to the music,
working the pole.

She slides, bumps and grinds like a pro.
Which she was.

ROD
Think she’s got a point.
(big hit of his drink)
So what went down tonight?

Hondo starts rolling a joint.

HONDO
We jacked the Thrif-T Mart
on the coast highway.
(licks the paper)
Kid said he couldn’t open the safe,
didn’t know the combination.
(lights up)
Then Miss Bada-Bing here got itchy.
Blew his fucking head clean off.

He inhales a big hit.
Passes it to Rod. He takes a toke.

CAM
Holy shit.

NET
Don’t worry, honey.
We took out the security camera.
It’s between us and God.

HONDO
(to Rod)
We just needed a safe place
to change, crash for the night.

NET
Don’t forget the other thing.

HONDO
Oh, yeah.
(evil grin)
And we need a wheelman.

ROD
(another hit, passes it to Cam)
What’s the job?

He EXHALES.

HONDO
Cute little joint on Main Street.
The Fisherman’s First National Bank.
Cute, huh?

CAM
You’re going to rob a bank?

NET
Hell, yeah.
Only got a couple hundred
from the Bozo Mart.

HONDO
It’s either that -- or get a job.

Hondo and Net exchange glances,
then EXPLODE with LAUGHTER.

ROD
You’ve cased it?

HONDO
Hell, yeah.
It’s a little mom-and-pop fuck.
Two tellers. ONE camera. Piece of cake.

NET
Smash and grab, baby.

She WHIRLS around, does a split.
And finishes her drink.

CAM
You need a fourth?

HONDO
YOU?

CAM
Yeah. Why not?

HONDO
Not sure I’m into
splitting the take four ways.

CAM
So I’ll do it for free.

HONDO
Well, now -- that’s quite an offer.
(beat)
Let me think about it.

He takes out a small leather bag from his pocket.
Pulls out tin foil and a little paper triangle.

Dumps some white powder on the foil.
Inserts a glass tube in his mouth.

NET
(comes over)
Oooh, goody -- Puff the Magic Dragon.

Hondo flicks his lighter under the foil.
The powder starts bubbling,
giving off white smoke. He INHALES.

Net takes the tube. Does a hit.
They both close their eyes.
Rocket off to another planet.


Rod goes over to Cam,
sits next to her on the couch.

ROD
So you wanna be a heister, huh?

CAM
Yeah.
(beat)
Think I’m crazy?

He leans over,
softly kisses her on the mouth.
Pulls back.

ROD
Nah. I’m kinda crazy, too --

Second Time's A Charm

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of GUN-WILD, trigger-happy teenage heiress Cameron Clinch hooks up with ex-cop Rod Funk at the LA Gun Club, but when he takes her back to his Malibu beach pad, he gets more than fireworks ...

EXT. LA GUN CLUB - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Cam stands at her Rover.
Paper targets in her hand.
She unlocks the door, opens it.

ROD (O.C.)
Not bad for a beginner.

ROD
Stands a few feet away.
Hands in his long, leather coat.

ROD
I used to keep the targets, too.

She looks at him.
Then glances at the bullet holes.
Something flashes in her eyes.

CAM
For my scrapbook.

Rod pulls a Sig Sauer
out of his left pocket.

A bottle of Jack Daniels
from his right.

ROD
Thought maybe we could
continue the party.

CAM
Continue the party.

ROD
Back at my place on the beach. Malibu.
Gotta firing range and everything.

CAM
I’ll follow you.
(beat)
But I’m not spending the night.

ROD
Wouldn’t think of it.

CAM
Of course you’re
thinking about it.
You’re a guy.

ROD
I’m cool. Used to be a cop.
I’m safe.

CAM
Who said anything about 'safe?'

Pause.

ROD
Don’t worry. I bite.

EXT. MALIBU BEACH - ROD’S JOINT - NIGHT
Rod’s beach shack sits in the sand
near a rocky wall of dirt.

He leads Cam around the side.
They come to a formation
of rocks near the water.

CAM
Is this where
you take your victims?

ROD
Only when they’re good.

He leads her over the rocks,
until they reach --

A protected COVE.
Rocks surrounding an inlet.

The waves CRASH behind them.
Water flows over their bare feet.

CAM
A secret hideaway.

ROD
This is where I come to think.
(beat)
And then forget.

He takes a swig of Jack.
Hands her the bottle.

ROD
Check it out.

Rod walks over to a
light switch on a post.
Flicks it on.

A floodlight SNAPS ON.
We now see the outline of
a FIGURE scratched in the dirt.
Then spray-painted red.

Cam’s eyes flash.
She pulls out her piece.

FIRES at it -- BANG.
The bullet HITS the head.
A SPRAY of dirt FLIES OFF.

ROD
(ducks)
Hey! What the FUCK are you doing?
You wanna kill me?

CAM
Chill out. I didn’t hit you.

He walks over to her.
Takes the bottle. Swigs.

ROD
You’re crazy.

CAM
Gun crazy.

ROD
What’s with you and guns?

CAM
My whole life,
I’ve always felt --powerless.
(sticks it in her jeans)
Now I don’t.

ROD
Rough childhood?

CAM
You could say that.

ROD
(hands her the bottle)
Wanna tell me about it?

She takes a long, slow swig.
Wipes her mouth.

CAM
Gotta couple weeks?

Make My Day

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 2 of GUN-WILD, trust fund heiress Cameron Clinch takes her new toy -- a 9MM Glock -- to her local gun club for a test drive, where she meets a mystery man in black ...


EXT. LOS ANGELES GUN CLUB - NIGHT
Plain brick building.
Red letters read LOS ANGELES GUN CLUB.

A cluster of shitty cars
and trucks litter the parking lot.

Cam’s Rover SCREECHES
to a stop in front.

INT. LOS ANGELES GUN CLUB - NIGHT
Cam strolls up to the registration counter.
A buzz cut, beefy CLERK eyes her appreciatively.
She SLAPS her gun down.

BEEFY CLERK
Evenin,’ miss.

CAM
Hey, there.
Okay if I use my own piece?

BEEFY CLERK
Sure thing.
If it’s registered to you.

CAM
It belongs to -- a friend of mine.

BEEFY CLERK
Then they’d have to be here, too.

CAM
I see.
(beat)
Guess I better rent one of yours.

BEEFY CLERK
Sure thing.

He moves to a display of guns
under glass further on down the counter.
Points to a small pistol.

BEEFY CLERK
That’s a 22-caliber.
Good for -- beginners.

Cam scans the arsenal.
Points at a large, chrome behemoth.

CAM
I like that one.

BEEFY CLERK
The Smith & Wesson?
(chuckles)
That’s a 357, Miss.
Kinda big for a lil’ gal like you.

CAM
(evil smile)
That’s Dirty Harry’s gun.

BEEFY CLERK
Yeah?

CAM
Go ahead. Make my day.
(beat)
And gimmee a box of ammo.

INT. LA GUN CLUB - SHOOTING RANGE - MOMENTS LATER
A row of stalls, each with a target at the end.
The sound of GUNSHOTS is DEAFENING.

It’s punctuated by the CLINK-CLINK-CLINK
of shells hitting the cement floor.

The SHOOTERS are a rogue’s gallery of
COPS, THUGS, MILITARY TYPES and REDNECKS.

And a KID with his DAD.

At one stall is ROD FUNK (40’s),
rugged, gone to seed.

Former cop, now of questionable repute.
Cleaned up, he’d be quite the catch.
But he’s still good with the ladies.

He takes a secretive sip from a flask.
Wipes him mouth.

Cam takes the lone empty stall,
right next to him.

Slips on her ear protectors.
She SHOVES a magazine into the Magnum.

Raises the giant weapon
in her right hand.

Rod notices her.
Tries not to stare. Lopsided grin.

ROD
(not looking, taking aim)
You should use a two-handed grip.

Cam FIRES, BANG. The gun RECOILS.
Her hand FLIES back.

CAM
OW --

ROD
Got quite a kick, doesn’t it.

Cam looks. Likes what she sees.
Hides it.

CAM
(rubs her wrist)
Yeah.

Rod puts down his gun. Walks over.

ROD
You gotta use a two-handed grip.
(demonstrates)
Like this. Left hand over the right.
(hands the gun back)
Try it.

She does. Takes aim.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

THE TARGET
Shows five holes in the head.

ROD
She’s a natural.
(low)
Nice cluster.

CAM
'Cluster?'

ROD
First time, isn’t it.

CAM
You know what they say.

ROD
What’s that.

CAM
First time it hurts.
(beat)
Then it gets better.

Pretend We're Dead

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Welcome to the working week. Thought you'd all like an update on what's going on. Have just finished the first rewrite of FILLMORE SLIM with the director, Hawthorne James (most well-known from SPEED and THE FIVE HEARTBEATS), and am very pleased with where we are. Because it's an independent film, we're still waiting for the financing to come in, and when it does we'll start preproduction for a month or two and then we start shooting -- hopefully sometime in May. I'm told that the money will be in place before the end of the month, and since it's a contractual obligation, I'm not worried.

As I'm sure you know, the development process takes a long time. My TV series LEGS, which has been in the works for more time than I'd like to admit, is now in the hands of Glen Larson, the creator of classic shows like THE ROCKFORD FILES, MAGNUM PI and THE FALL GUY. We have a meeting ready for us when we want it at Showtime, and if Glen comes on board, it should be a slam dunk. IF. There's also other movement with a couple of actors, but I don't want to mention who they are because I don't want to jinx it.

In last couple of years I've been told by various film producers that I write like a writer/director, which is part of the reason it's been so hard to get my feature projects made -- my voice is so specific -- so my plan after FILLMORE SLIM is to direct one of my screenplays. It needs to be low-budget, totally cool, and a recognizable genre.

So, I'd like to share with you the film I plan to direct later this year, GUN-WILD. Inspired by films like GUN-CRAZY and BONNIE & CLYDE, it's the story of a young girl who is sexual dysnfunctional ... until she gets her hands on a gun and shoots it. Most people don't know that in the original BONNIE & CLYDE screenplay, there was a bisexual love affair subplot involving Ned Beatty and Warren Beatty's characters. Ned and Warren were into it, but the studio freaked out and pulled the plug.

So guess who's 'gonna go there.'

In Chapter 1 of GUN-WILD, trust fund heiress Cameron Clinch walks into a Beverly Hills jewelry store, and is suddenly thrust into a violent world that changes her life forever ...


EXT. RODEO DRIVE - UPSCALE BOUTIQUE - DUSK
A 1996 LAND ROVER parks in front of a trendy boutique.

A blight on the landscape.
Sign reads LOADING ONLY.

A YOUNG WOMAN (25) gets out of the car,
SLAMS the door.

Heads inside, on a mission.

Tall and taught, with reckless curves.
Long blonde hair to her ass.
Even in this nabe, people stare.

Meet CAMERON CLINCH.
Former trust fund heiress.
Tres biker chic.

She checks her watch.
We see its CRACKED.

She TOSSES her cigarette in the gutter.
PUSHES OPEN the door into --

INT. UPSCALE BOUTIQUE - CONTINUOUS
Haughty Euro-pop plays on the sound system.

The ANOREXIC, MULTIRACIAL SALESGIRL
approaches Cam.

ANOREXIC, MULTIRACIAL SALESGIRL
We’re closing in a few minutes.
Can I help you find something?

Cam fingers a display of $50,000 watches.
Holds one up.

We now see she’s wearing
a hospital ID bracelet.

CAM
Does this come in black?

ANOREXIC, MULTIRACIAL SALESGIRL
That watch is VERY expensive.
(condescending)
Let me show you something
that’s more -- in your price range.

She bends down,
looks on a shelf below the display case.

THE FRONT DOOR
FLIES open.

A LARGE, BEEFY GUY
wearing a ski mask CHARGES in.

Points a 357 Magnum at Anorexic.
RUSHES over to the counter.
PUSHES Cameron to the side.

BEEFY MASKED GUNMAN
Hands where I CAN SEE ‘EM.
This is ROBBERY.

THE GUARD
Rushes him.

Beefy PISTOL-WHIPS him.
BANG, he goes down.

ANOREXIC
Swings a BASEBALL BAT.
CRACKS Beefy on the head.

He goes down
like a sack of rocks, THWUMP.

CAM
LEAPS at Beefy.
GRABS his gun.

Points it at Anorexic.
She DROPS the bat. CLANG.

CAM
Gimme that fucking watch, BITCH.

Shaking, Anorexic hands Cam
the watch she was looking at.

Cam smiles, turns,
and RACES out the door.

EXT. UPSCALE BOUTIQUE - CONTINUOUS
Cam RUNS to her car.
OPENS the door.

ANOREXIC, MULTIRACIAL
Stands in the doorway.

ANOREXIC, MULTIRACIAL SALESGIRL
HELP! ROBBERY!
Somebody STOP THAT WOMAN!

CAM
Turns. Smiles.

Raises the gun.
Points it at Anorexic.

ANOREXIC
HITS the ground.

CAM
Takes aim.

CAM
Ask yourself, punk.
Do you feel LUCKY?

She SHOOTS. BANG.

The window SPRAYS
broken glass in the air.

Cam’s body RECOILS
from the force of the blast,
REELS back.

She rubs her hand. Ow.
She JUMPS in the car --

CAM
That’ll teach you to be RUDE.

And PEELS OFF in screech of rubber.

INT. LAND ROVER - MOVING - DUSK
On the car stereo, the sludgy,
buzzsaw riot gurl snarl of L7’S
PRETEND WE’RE DEAD thuds ominously.

Cam CRANKS IT UP.

CAM
Holy fucking SHIT.

Cam stops at a light.
Looks in the rearview. No one.

She looks down at her crotch.
Wiggles in her seat to the music.

CAM
Better than -- riding horses.

The light changes.
She PUNCHES the gas --

Shut Up And Kiss Me

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In the final chapter of BABY HEISTER, teenage heister Kelsey Hazard and the gang have a final showdown with the cops ... and then she makes a stunning, surprise announcement ...


EXT. MARINA PIER - DAY
A row of boats
gently bob in the water.

A SHERIFF’S BOAT slowly cruises by
at the end of the pier.

Across the way,
we see a PATROL CAR
slowly cruising the waterfront.

EXT. HOUSEBOAT - DAY
A pair of COPS
walk up the gangplank.

One of them KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCKS
on the front door. Sighs.

TIRED COP
I can’t believe we gotta check
EVERY single fucking boat.

BLASE COP
I say they’re long gone.

Tired Cop KNOCK-KNOCKS again.

TIRED COP
Anyone home? It’s the police.

The door FLIES OPEN.

Jo appears, wearing a sexy bathrobe,
holding a tray of freshly-baked cookies.
The cops stare.

JO
Hello, officer.
Sorry it took me a moment.
I was just taking these
cookies out of the oven.
Would you like one?
They’re chocolate chip --
(big smile)
And still warm.

TIRED COP
(takes a couple)
Yeah, sure. Thanks.

BLASE COP
(takes one, bites into it)
You seen anybody suspicious-looking
hangin’ around?

JO
You mean like those bank robbers?

BLASE COP
Yeah.

JO
No, I’m sorry.
I was sure hoping to, though.
(winks)
Gets kinda lonely
all alone here on the boat.
(nudges him)
If you know what I mean.

The cops exchange looks.

BLASE COP
Would you mind if we
came in and took a look around?

Jo reaches down.
Unties her robe.
It falls open.

JO
C’mon in, the water’s wet.

TIRED COP
(to Blase)
On second thought --

BLASE COP
(looks away)
Sorry we bothered you, Ma’am.
Have a good day.

They turn.
Start walking away.

JO
Hey, wait a minute.
I’ve got a full liquor cabinet --
(watches them go)
Don’tcha wanna PARTY?

INT. HOUSEBOAT - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Jo puts the plate of cookies
on the coffee table
in front of the couch.

Walks over to a fake Persian rug
on the floor.

Pulls it aside. Reaches down.
Opens a trap door. Looks down.

JO
They’re gone.

Doc climbs up.
Then Kelsey. Then Simon.

DOC
Thank god.
Kinda cramped down there.

KELSEY
You baked cookies --

SIMON
(takes one)
Smells great.

Kelsey takes one.
Bites into it. Looks at them.

DOC
So are you -- okay?
I understand if you’re -- upset.

JO
You probably --
have a lot of questions.
Want to -- talk about it.

She takes another bite. Thinking.

KELSEY
Can we talk later?
Right now I just
wanna sleep for a year.
(takes another cookie)
After I have a bunch of these.

DOC
We thought we were
doing the right thing, Kelsey.

JO
We’re really sorry.

KELSEY
(softly)
I know.

DOC
We were hoping maybe
we could start over again.

KELSEY
I’d like that.

She chews some more.
Then, the barest hint of a smile.

KELSEY
So what do think about
me and Simon getting married?
(beat)
Mom? Dad?

Doc and Jo exchange glances.
Then look at her.

SIMON
Kelsey?

KELSEY
C’mon. We’d make a great team.
And we’d all be a family.

He looks at Doc. Speechless.

DOC
You’re on your own, kid.

She finishes her cookie.
Rubs her hands on her hips.

Goes to him.
Puts them on his.

KELSEY
You need to THINK about it?

SIMON
No, no -- I, I -- uh --

KELSEY
Then shut up
and kiss me, wheelman.


She leans into him.
He drops his cookie.

They kiss. Softly. Tenderly.
Then more passionately.

Start to go at it, hot and heavy.
No one else in the world.

Doc and Jo watch. Big smiles.
She taps him on the shoulder.
He nods. They start to leave, as we --

FADE TO BLACK

There's No Place Like Home

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In the next-to-last chapter of BABY HEISTER, our dysfunctional family of criminals make their desperate escape from the cops ... and make it to their hideout on a houseboat, where a shocking family secret is revealed ...


INT. VW BUS - DAY
Simon sits behind the wheel.
Jo sits next to him.

Doc and Kelsey sit in the back with the money,
which is now a massive amount.
Doc closes the curtains on the back windows.

DOC
Okay, let’s go.

Simon starts the engine.
Drives out of the parking lot --
just as a trio of SQUAD CARS, lights FLASHING,
sirens BLARING pass by them,
ROAR over to the truck and SCREECH to a halt.

EXT. MARINA PARKING LOT - DAY
A BEEFY COP opens the back door to the semi,
revealing the Dumpster.

Darryl Rooker looks out his window.
Sees it. Nods.

DARRYL
(to Costello)
Call the Marina Sheriffs.
Have them seal off the channel.

COSTELLO
Yes, sir.
(beat)
But what if they’re already at sea?

DARRYL
Then call the Coast Guard.
Have them stop EVERY BOAT.
I’ll call the FBI.
Have them send some choppers.

EXT. HOUSEBOAT - DAY
An old, wooden, two-story joint
from an era gone by.

It would be kinda quaint if it didn’t
look like it was falling apart.
But it’s still oddly homey-looking.

INT. HOUSEBOAT - LIVING ROOM - DAY
‘That Seventies Boat.’ All knotty pine.
Curtains drawn. Stuffed with old furniture.
Hanging plants. Nautical shit.

Doc, Jo, Kelsey and Simon walk around,
inspecting the joint.

KELSEY
This is so COOL.

DOC
We can hole up here for good long while.
Zulf stocked the fridge and the pantry.
We got satellite TV, a full bar.

JO
I’ll do some cleaning and spruce the place up.
It’ll feel like home.
(smiles at Kelsey)
Kelsey will help me. Won’t you, hun?

KELSEY
Sure. Of course.

JO
C’mon, let me show you the galley.

KELSEY
Okay. Let me close the door.
(walks toward the door)
It’s starting to get a bit --

FLINT
Appears in the doorway.
A bloody mess. He GRABS Kelsey.

KELSEY
HEY.

JAMS his gun against her head.

JO
Ducks down behind the couch.
Scampers away.

FLINT
Smiles at Kelsey.

FLINT
Getting a bit nippy out.
Bet your nippies are nice and hard.

DOC
Put the gun down, Flint.
Let’s talk about this.

FLINT
There’s nothing to talk about, old man.
NOBODY crosses me, GOT it?

DOC
You can have the money.
Just let go of her.
Take me instead.

A GUN WITH A SILENCER
appears next to Flint’s head.

JO
Get your hands off my fucking DAUGHTER.

Reveal JO. Gripping the weapon.
Quivering with rage.

KELSEY
'Daughter?'

THWIP. THWIP. THWIP.
Flint’s head EXPLODES.
Kelsey SCREAMS.

His body hits the floor, THWUNK.
She looks at the body.
Shudders. Looks up, eyes bright with tears.

KELSEY
Doc?

DOC
It’s a long story.

KELSEY
Jo?

JO
I was forty.
Still the con artist about town.
Didn’t want to be -- tied down.

DOC
Chelle couldn’t have kids.

JO
We thought it would -- calm them down.

DOC
Didn’t work.
(mumbles to himself)
They were so reckless.

JO
We were going to tell you.
We were just waiting for the right --

DOC
After the funeral -- seemed too soon.
Then we both kept --

JO
Putting it off --

DOC
And here we are.

Kelsey stares at them.
Speechless. In shock.

SIMON
Oh, shit.

DOC
What’s wrong?

SIMON
Asshole must have left a
trail of blood leading right to us.
(off their looks)
I’ll go outside and clean it up.

Darryl Rooker appears in the doorway.
Aiming his gun.

DARRYL
Like following a trail of bread crumbs.
What was that old fairy tail?
(sickly smile)
Doc Hazard. We meet at last.

DOC
I’m tingly all over.

Darryl reaches into his jacket
for his cell phone.

DARRYL
Nobody move a muscle.
I’m gonna call for back up.

Everybody stares while he dials.
Listens. Makes a face.

DARRYL
Godammit. No reception --

KELSEY
(pulls hers out)
Wanna use mine?

He looks at her. Then the phone.

DARRYL
Yeah. Just don’t try any --

FAST AS LIGHTNING
she SMASHES IT in his face, CRACK.

GRABS his head.
BANGS it against the wall.

And again. And again. SCREAMS.
Lets go. His body hits the floor, THUMP.
Lights out.

She stares at Doc and Jo.
A tear slides down her cheek --

TO BE CONTINUED

Like Taking Candy From A Retard

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 43 of BABY HEISTER, as we start to hurl toward the exciting conclusion of of our story, teenage heister Kelsey Hazard, Jo, Simon and Doc revolt and get into a fight to the death with their captors. Meanwhile, Robbery Homicide chief Darryl Rooker is just moments away, and is about to close in on them ...


EXT. MARINA PARKING LOT - DAY
Flint’s Crown Vic
pulls up alongside the semi.

He and Doc get out.
Eb climbs down out of the cabin.
Walks over.

EB
How’d it go at the cop shop?

FLINT
Like taking candy from a retard.
Let’s open up the tin can.

They walk over to the truck.
He climbs up the back.

Unlocks the door.
Opens them, revealing --

The Dumpster truck.
Trash on the right.

Money bags on the left.
But no Kelsey, Simon or Jo.

EB
Hey. Where’d they go?

FLINT
Stupid redneck.
They’re hiding in the Dumpster.

KELSEY (O.C.)
We’re not hiding.
We’re resting.

FLINT
(pulls out his gun)
Just as well.
Makes it easier.

DOC
Makes WHAT easier?

FLINT
Did you REALLY think
I was gonna SHARE
the money with YOU?
A career CRIMINAL?


DOC
You’re a fucking piece of shit,
you know that?

FLINT
That may be,
but I’m a fucking
RICH piece of shit.
(to Eb)
Start unloading the bags into my car.
I’ll take care of the Dumpster-divers.

Eb nods. Climbs in.
Grabs a couple of bags.

Kelsey LEAPS up.
JABS her spear into his eye. CRUNCH.

EB
GAAA --

FLINT
FUCK.

Flint SHOOTS at her.
She DIVES back down.

Bullets PING, PING, PING
off the Dumpster.

Doc WHIPS OUT his gun.
SHOOTS Flint in the head. BANG.
He falls over, dead. THUMP.

DOC
Asshole.

Kelsey, Simon and Jo appear.
Climb down out of the truck.

KELSEY
I saw you empty the clip.

DOC
I did.
(beat)
But I still had one in the chamber.
(beat)
Throw ‘em in the Dumpster, quick.
Somebody might’ve heard the gunshots.

Kelsey and Simon pick up Flint.
Carry him up into the truck.

JO
We gotta problem, Doc.
His car ain’t big enough
to carry all the money
and the four of us.

DOC
I know, we gotta find a new ride.

An OLD, YELLOW VW HIPPIE BUS
comes into frame.

Covered in bumper stickers.
Pictures of dolphins.

Driven by the requisite
GREASY STONER DUDE (30’s).
He leans out the window.

GREASY STONER DUDE
You guys hear a gunshot?
I coulda sworn I heard a gunshot.

DOC
Car backfired.
Sorry if we scared you.

GREASY STONER DUDE
Right on.

Jo nudges Doc.
Nods at the bus. Doc nods.
Walks over to Stoner’s car window.

DOC
I know this is gonna sound strange,
but I was wondering if
we could swap vehicles.

GREASY STONER DUDE
Huh?

DOC
We wanna go on a camping trip,
and our car just ain’t big enough.

GREASY STONER DUDE
What the fuck are YOU smoking --
and do you got any more?
This is my RIDE, bro. My baby.
She’s taken me to Woodstock,
Bonarroo, Coachella, squints --

Kelsey appears.
Holds up a big wads of banded bills.

KELSEY
Will this take care of it?

GREASY STONER DUDE
(GRABS it)
DUDE, you gotta DEAL.

INT. POLICE CRUISER - MOVING - DAY
Costello drives. Darryl Rooker rides shotgun.

Talks on his cell phone.
Looks REALLY pissed off.

DARRYL
I KNOW he’s not
answering his fucking phone.
Where the fuck IS he?
(listens)
Marina Del Rey?
(listens)
Send as many units as you’ve got.
Then call the Sheriff’s.
(listens)
Copy THAT.

He CLICKS his phone shut.
Looks at Costello.

DARRYL
To the marina, and step on it.

COSTELLO
Think they’re gonna
try and get away in a boat?

DARRYL
Gee, ya think so?

A Cold Day In Wasilla

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chaper 42 of BABY HEISTER, psycho cop Flint Cole and master heister Doc Hazard make their getaway with the stolen money from the police precinct, and then get stuck in traffic. Meanwhile, teenage heister Kelsey Hazard, her flame Simon Leeds and Doc's wife Jo lay in wait in the semi trailer with home-made weapons, ready to surprise their captors ...


INT. TASK FORCE HEADQUARTERS - AT THAT MOMENT
Darryl Rooker sits at his desk
talking on the phone.

He SPITS OUT his coffee.
Face turns beet-red.

DARRYL
They WHAT?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. POLICE PRECINCT - OFFICE - DAY
A small, cramped space filled with police shit.
Piles of file folders.

Plaques and framed
commendations on the walls.

Bald, Black Cop sits behind his desk.
Glares at Rooker.

BALD, BLACK COP
You heard me.
They fucking SHOT Rodriguez
AND another officer.

DARRYL
And they just -- got away?

BALD, BLACK COP
Yeah. But one of the officers ID’d them.

DARRYL
Who the fuck WAS it?

BALD, BLACK COP
You’re never gonna believe it --

DARRYL
Fucking TRY me.

BALD, BLACK COP
Flint Cole -- and Doc Hazard.

INT. FLINT’S CROWN VIC - MOVING - DAY
Flint Drives. Cigarette dangling on his lip.

Doc stares out the passenger-side window.
Sullen.

FLINT
After all this time,
we’re finally partners.
Life sure is strange, huh?

DOC
It’ll be a cold day in Wasilla
when we become partners, Cole.

Flint sees his exit.
Hits the turn signal.

Starts making the turn
onto the off-ramp.

DOC
Don’t take Lincoln.
You’ll get stuck in traffic.
Ocean Avenue’s better.

FLINT
This is more direct.
Just sit back and
leave the driving to us.

EXT. FREEWAY OFF RAMP - LINCOLN AVENUE - DAY
Flint’s Crown Vic turns off the ramp,
heads south on Lincoln.

Gets immediately caught in traffic.


IN THE CAR
Doc smiles. Shakes his head.

DOC
Good one, partner.

FLINT
Shut the fuck up.

DOC
What’s the hurry?
It’s not like we have
twenty million in the back seat.

Flint glares at him.
His phone RINGS. He picks up.

FLINT
This is Cole --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. TASK FORCE HEADQUARTERS - CONTINUOUS
Darryl Rooker sits at his desk on the phone.

Costello stands next to him.
Fists clenched.

DARRYL
Any news? You see them yet?

FLINT
I’m right behind ‘em,
but there’s too much traffic.
Gonna stay in pursuit
until they get off the freeway.

Darryl turns, looks at --

ANOTHER COP SITTING AT A NEARBY DESK
Wearing headphones, listening on
electronic tracking equipment.
He nods. Gives a thumbs-up.

DARRYL
Grimaces in the phone.

DARRYL
Okay, just don’t lose sight of them.

FLINT
You got it.
I’ll call you back
when I get the fuckers.

They both CLICK their phones shut.

A STERN-LOOKING FBI AGENT
In a sharp suit appears
next to Headphone Cop.

STERN-LOOKING FBI AGENT
We cool?

HEADPHONE COP
Ice-cold.

Darryl comes into frame. Anxious.

DARRYL
But that wasn’t long enough to --

STERN-LOOKING FBI AGENT
Not with your antiquated
piece-of-shit call-tracing.
But with OUR state-of-the-art
satellite def-jam,
we can triangulate his
exact location through his cell phone.
(to Headphones)
And the winner IS?

HEADPHONE COP
(reading the screen)
They’re on Lincoln Avenue
in Santa Monica, heading south --
(smiles)
And it looks like
they’re stuck in traffic.

DARRYL
(to Costello)
Send as many units as we’ve got.
We’re finally gonna GET this fucker.

INT. FLINT’S CROWN VIC - MOVING - DAY
The car sits in traffic
waiting for a red light.

DOC
Cut through that gas station.
Then take a right on Ocean Park.

FLINT
Alright, alright --

EXT. LINCOLN AVENUE - CONTINUOUS
The Crown Vic cuts diagonally
through a gas station,
starts heading west.

INT. SEMI TRAILER - DAY
A pile of garbage sits
on one side of the Dumpster truck.
The bags of money on the other.

Simon stands in the front
with a long two-by-four.
Jo, with a length of steel pipe.

And Kelsey, with a piece of glass
tied to a broom handle.

KELSEY
Okay. This is how we’re gonna do it --

Submissive Bitches

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 41 of BABY HEISTER, master heister Doc Hazard and psycho cop Flint Cole invade the police precinct where Doc's life savings are being held under lock and key, with explosive results. Meanwhile, teenage heister Kelsey Hazard, Jo and Simon hole up in the semi where they're being held hostage and plot their attack against their captors ...


INT. POLICE PRECINCT - CORRIDOR - DAY
Linoleum floor. Pale puke cinder block walls.

Flint leads Doc down the hallway.
Deserted. No one around.

They reach the door to a stairwell.
Flint grabs the knob. Opens it. Bows.

FLINT
Heisters first.

Doc shakes his head.
Heads on down. Flint follows.

IN THE STAIRWELL
Doc goes down the steps,
Flint right behind him.

FLINT
Think I’m gonna like
being on your side of the law.

DOC
Were you ever on the right side?

FLINT
You had a good run, old timer --
but you finally met your match.

They get to the bottom.

DOC
Let me go first.

He opens the door. They walk into --

INT. POLICE PRECINCT - BASEMENT CORRIDOR - DAY
They walk down the hallway silently.
Make a turn. Arrive at a caged area
with a FAT LATINO COP (50’s) sitting behind a desk.

Flint walks over to the doorway.
Raps on the cage.

FLINT
Rodriguez, you fat fuck.
You STILL down here?
I thought they retired your refried ass.

Rodriguez gets up. Smiles. Walks over.

RODRIGUEZ
Well, if it ain’t detective Serpico,
outta the gutter and back on the take.
(looks at Doc)
Who ya got with you?
Too old to be your new partner.

FLINT
This here’s Gus.
He’s a screenwriter,
doing research for a TV show.

RODRIGUEZ
Really? What’s it called?

DOC
'The Heisters.'

FLINT
It’s pretty cool.
About a family of bank robbers.

RODRIGUEZ
Oh, wow. That does sound cool.
(brightens)
Like Doc Hazard and his gang.

FLINT
As a matter of fact,
that’s why we’re here.

RODRIGUEZ
Right. I heard you were on that case.
(unlocks the door, opens it)
C’mon in.

INT. POLICE PRECINCT - EVIDENCE ROOM - DAY
A large room filled with rows
of metal shelves stacked with boxes.
Rodriguez leads them down a narrow aisle.

RODRIGUEZ
Let’s see -- Harrold, Hatfield, Hazard.
(points at a box, smiles)
Knock yourself out.

FLINT
What about the cash?

RODRIGUEZ
That’s in a separate cage in the back.

Flint pulls out a gun with a silencer.
Pokes him with it.

FLINT
Then let’s go open it.

RODRIGUEZ
Cole. Stop fucking around.

FLINT
I’m not fucking around, Hector.

RODRIGUEZ
You’ll lose your badge for sure this time.

FLINT
Gee, ya think?

RODRIGUEZ
(looks at Doc)
He’s not a screenwriter, is he?

FLINT
Can’t get anything past you, huh.
(POKES him in the stomach)
C’mon, MOVE it. I don’t got all day.

Rodriguez sighs. Starts walking.
They follow him to a separate
caged room with boxes and bags in it.

He opens the door with a key.
Shakes his head.

RODRIGUEZ
You realize I’ll have to
call this in after you leave.

Flint raises the gun to Rodriguez’ head.
FIRES. BANG.

His skull EXPLODES
like a watermelon. SPLAT.

FLINT
Whoops.

DOC
Jesus fucking Christ, Cole.
Did you have to do THAT?

FLINT
Shut the fuck up and find the bags.

Doc shakes his head with disgust.
Goes into the room.

Looks around. Sees the
two giant black duffles. Points.

DOC
Those two.

FLINT
Bring ‘em out.
We’ll each carry one.

INT. POLICE PRECINCT - BASEMENT CORRIDOR - DAY
Flint and Doc hustle toward
the stairwell exit with the bags.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Holy SHIT. Rodriguez’s been SHOT.

Flint opens the door.
They start RUNNING up the stairs.

INT. POLICE PRECINCT - EVIDENCE ROOM - DAY
A BALD, BLACK COP (40’s)
stands next to Rodriguez’ body.
In shock. SHOUTS into his cell.

BALD, BLACK COP
Seal the building --

IN THE STAIRWELL
A siren starts WHOOP-WHOOP-WHOOPING
on the PA.

Flint and Doc RACE up the stairs,
reach the top, huffing and puffing.

Flint GRABS the door,
FLINGS it open, to reveal --

AN ANGRY COP
Running right toward them.

FLINT
SHOOTS him in the chest.
THWIP. THWIP. THWIP.

His midsection EXPLODES in a sea of red.
Body HITS the tiles, THWUMP.

INT. POLICE PRECINCT - CORRIDOR - EXIT - CONTINUOUS
Flint and Doc RUN to the exit.
SMASH through the door, into --

EXT. POLICE PRECINCT - PARKING LOT - DAY
They TEAR ASS toward Flint’s car,
bags BANGING against their legs.

Bald, Black Cop RUNS out the door.
Draws his gun.

BALD, BLACK COP
Stop or I’ll SHOOT.

Flint WHIRLS AROUND. SHOOTS him.
THWIP. His head EXPLODES.

They JUMP in the car,
just as COPS start
pouring out of the building.

Flint JAMS the car into gear
and ROARS away.

EXT. MARINA - PARKING LOT - DAY
The semi is parked at the far end
of a parking lot near a commercial slip
where large vessels are berthed.

Boats for parties. Fishing trips.
Whale watching.

Eb gets out of the cab.
Walks over to the rear doors.

Opens them. Climbs up.
Pulls out his piece.

INT. SEMI TRAILER - CONTINUOUS
Simon climbs out of the Dumpster truck cab.
Looks at Eb.

SIMON
Hey. No need to point that at me.
We’re your submissive bitches, remember?

EB
Jus’ making sure you ain’t
gonna pull no monkey-shines.
Now start takin’ the money bags
outta the dumpster.
They gonna be here soon.

Eb SLAMS the door shut.
The padlock CLICKS.

Kelsey and Jo climb out of the truck.

KELSEY
Okay. Let’s get started.

JO
Look for stuff
we can use as weapons.

KELSEY
But Flint said if we tried anything --

JO
Honey, you don’t know Doc.
Not only IS he gonna try something,
he’s gonna expect US to.
No way in HELL is he gonna
let them get away with
ONE DOLLAR of our nest egg.
(off their looks)
Now go on. Get busy.

SIMON
Aren’t you gonna help?

JO
Honey, I’m sixty years old.
(beat)
I’m gonna sit back and watch --

Leave The Driving To Us

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 40 of BABY HEISTER, having been double-crossed by psycho cop Flint Cole, teenage heister Kelsey Hazard, Jo and Simon are held hostage in their escape vehicle with the stolen money from the bank. Meanwhile, Flint and Doc get ready to steal back Doc's life savings ... at the police precinct where it's locked up in the evidence room ...


EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - DAY
A ramshackle joint from the turn of the century.
The Dumpster truck pulls up to the entrance.
HONKS once. Then twice again.

The doors slowly open inward.
The truck drives in.

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS
A giant space. Almost big enough
to be an airplane hanger.

Parked off to the side is a
giant semi tractor-trailer, back doors open,
with a ramp leading up inside it.

Flint stands near it,
along with EB PICKER (40’s),
a giant redneck trucker
right out of central casting.

Holding a shotgun. Chewing tobacco.
Confederate flag hat. The works.

IN THE DUMPSTER TRUCK
Kelsey looks at Doc.
Shakes her head.

KELSEY
I don’t like it.

DOC
Don’t have any choice.

SIMON
Who’s the scary-looking dude
next to him?

DOC
Must be the driver.

KELSEY
How do we know we can trust them?

DOC
Fifteen million bucks says so.
And besides, we now have protection.
He’ll keep the law away from us.
(opens his door)
C’mon. Let’s get it over with.

They get out of the truck.
Flint and Eb walk over.

FLINT
Well, if it isn’t the
Cooch In The Wall Gang.

DOC
Cole.

FLINT
Okay. Here’s how it’s gonna work.
Eb here gave the cops an anonymous tip
that you’re heading east
on the ten freeway in a U-Haul,
so the cops are looking for you there.
Meanwhile, he’s gonna take you
to the Marina where your boat is.

EB
(CRACKS the shotgun)
Leave the drivin’ to us.

FLINT
You’ll wait there while
Doc and I go get his dough.
(to Doc)
If I don’t return safely, they die.
And if they get cute, you’re toast.
(cackles)
Sometimes I’m so brilliant
I can’t fucking take it.
(off their stares)
Okay. Toss your guns on the floor
and let’s get this show
on the fuckin’ ROAD.

Kelsey, Simon and Jo toss them.
Look pissed.

Eb starts picking them up.

DOC
If we’re going to rob a police precinct,
I’d like to keep mine.

FLINT
Sorry, pop. No can do.
(off his stare)
You’ll get it back. Promise.

DOC
What if I take out the bullets?

He carefully pulls out his Magnum.
Racks out the clip. KA-CHINK.

Opens it.
Dumps the bullets on the floor.
Holds it up.

Shows it’s empty.
SHOVES it back in, CLICK.
Flint smiles.

FLINT
That’ll work.

INT. SEMI TRAILER - REAR COMPARTMENT - MOVING - DAY
Simon, Kelsey and Jo sit on the floor in the rear.

SIMON
This fucking sucks.

KELSEY
Don’t worry.
We’ll figure something out.
(looks at Jo)
Right?

JO
Motherfucker made a BIG mistake.
No one messes with DOC --

EXT. POLICE PRECINCT - PARKING LOT - DAY
Flint’s Crown Vic pulls into the lot. Parks.

INT. FLINT’S CROWN VIC - DAY
Flint shuts off the engine.
Looks at Doc.

FLINT
Now don’t shit your pants.
This is gonna go real smooth.
Everyone I work with
is at the command center.
And the shift doesn’t change until two,
so there’s almost no one around.

DOC
So how we gonna do this?

FLINT
Evidence room is downstairs.
Stairwell isn’t far from the rear exit.
We go in quick, grab the duffles
and slide back out. Easy as pie.

DOC
What if someone recognizes me?

Flint hands him
a baseball cap and shades.

FLINT
Put these on and
you’ll look like a dick.

DOC
No shit --

Paradise City

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 39 of BABY HEISTER, teenage heister Kelsey Hazard and the gang finish the bank job without a hitch, but then get a horrific surprise ...


INT. BANK - MANAGER’S OFFICE - DAY
A small space with the usual functional furniture.

Doc and Jo look at Big Bank Guard and Beige Manager,
now handcuffed, sitting on the floor,
facing away from each other.

DOC
What time do the other employees get here?

BEIGE BANK MANAGER
Any minute now.

DOC
Then we’ll make this fast.

Jo puts a piece of duct tape
on Big Guard’s mouth.
RIPS off another piece for Beige.

BEIGE BANK MANAGER
Do you really have to --

JO
(SLAPS it on)
Yeah. We really do.

EXT. BANK - BACK ALLEY - DAY
Simon and Kelsey throw in the
last bag of money into the Dumpster.
We see Kelsey’s back in her coveralls.

Doc and Jo come out.
They help them throw in lumber
to cover the money.

Kelsey and Simon close
the rear door to the armored car.
Lock it with the guards’ keys.

Get in the truck.
Simon behind the wheel, Kelsey beside him,
Doc and Jo in the rear compartment behind the cab.

Simon GUNS the engine,
and they start off down the alley.

INT. DUMPSTER TRUCK - MOVING - DAY
Simon POUNDS the steering wheel.

SIMON
We fucking DID it.

KELSEY
(sings)
Take me down to Paradise City,
where the cash is green a
nd the girls are gritty --

Doc leans into the cab. Looks serious.

DOC
We need to talk.
Something went down last night.

EXT. BANK - FRONT ENTRANCE - DAY
A pair of BANK EMPLOYEES (20’s)
stand at the front door.

A HOT TELLER presses a buzzer.
Looks at the other,
a CHUBBY HISPANIC ASSISTANT MANAGER.

HOT TELLER
Still no answer.

CHUBBY HISPANIC ASSISTANT MANAGER
(peers in the window)
That’s strange. Maybe they’re
around back because of the delivery. C’mon.

INT. DUMPSTER TRUCK - MOVING - DAY
Doc looks at Kelsey. Then Simon. White-faced.

DOC
When the two of you went off
to take care of the Yakuza, we got busted.
Undercover dick by the name of Flint Cole.
Found us in the hotel,
but didn’t let on to the other cops.
Saw an opportunity.

KELSEY
Why didn’t you TELL us?

DOC
Didn’t want you to be distracted.
If we fucked up the job,
we’d be really fucked.

KELSEY
So what happens now?

DOC
In exchange for helping us
escape with the dough --
which he gets a cut of, by the way --
he wants half the stash.

SIMON
The bloody BASTARD.

KELSEY
But the cops have it.

DOC
Yeah. But he knows where it is,
and how to get it back --
if we help him.

INT. ABANDONED GROCERY STORE - DAY
Costello SLAMS down the phone.
RACES over to Darryl’s desk,
where he sits and chats with Flint
over cups of coffee.

COSTELLO
Chief, the First National Bank
of California’s been hit.
Main branch, downtown.

FLINT
The bank where the Hazards were killed?
I thought it was closed for repairs.

COSTELLO
It was, but now it’s done.

DARRYL
And they were delivering
all the money they’d need today --

Another COP (40’s) African-American,
built like a linebacker, salt and pepper,
approaches them, excited.

LINEBACKER COP
Chief. We just a call
from a guy at a gas station.
Recognized Doc and his crew
when they stopped to refuel.

DARRYL
WHERE?

LINEBACKER COP
Near a freeway entrance.
Said they’re heading east on the ten.
Big U-Haul.

DARRYL
Call the Highway Patrol.
Have them set up a roadblock.

LINEBACKER COP
One step ahead of you.

Flint gets up.
Starts heading toward the door.

FLINT
I’m gonna catch those fuckers.

DARRYL
They gotta BIG lead on you.
You’ll never catch them.

He GRABS the knob.
Turns. Looks. Sneers.

FLINT
You haven’t seen ME drive --

Second Time's A Charm

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 38 of BABY HEISTER, teenage heister Kelsey Hazard, her grandparents Doc and Jo Hazard and her flame Simon Leeds begin robbing the bank where Kelsey's parents were killed trying to rob it ...


INT. EMPTY STORE - DAY
An empty space with a cement floor.
Construction equipment. Piles of lumber.

The gang wears coveralls and hard hats.
Simon stands at a makeshift table
with a metal box on it.

He FLICKS a switch.
A red light starts BLINKING.

SIMON
Simon says SCRAMBLED.

A HONK-HONK from outside.

DOC
Dumpster’s here. Places, please.

Simon, Doc and Jo pull goggles down
from their helmets.

Scarves up from around their necks.
Faces now covered.

IN THE ALLEY
The Dumpster truck rolls to a stop
in front of the store.

Simon walks up to it. Waves.
The DRIVER (20’s), big and burly, gets out.
Climbs down carrying a clipboard.

SIMON
Boy, am I glad to see you.
My boss is gonna have my ass.

BURLY DRIVER
Got a lot of shit, huh?

Simon CLIPS him on the head with his gun.
He falls, THWUNK.

IN THE STORE
Doc looks at Kelsey.

DOC
It’s showtime, baby heister.

Kelsey nods. Unzips her coveralls.
Steps out of them.

Now resplendent in Daisy Dukes and
a tight, denim top knotted above her belly button.
She takes off her hard hat.

Undoes her ponytail.
Shakes her hair free.
Puts it back on.

Then mirrored shades.
Applies blood-red lipstick.

KELSEY
Think this’ll work?

DOC
Won’t know what hit ‘em.

EXT. BACK ALLEY - MOMENTS LATER
Simon sits in the truck,
lowers the Dumpster in front of the exit,
leaving just enough room for someone to squeeze by.

AT THE END OF THE ALLEY
The ARMORED TRUCK arrives.
Comes to a stop behind the Dumpster.
The driver HONKS his horn.

Simon looks in his rear view mirror.
Gets out of the truck.

Starts walking over the armored car.
Waving and smiling.

Kelsey starts coming down the alley
on the opposite side.

Both guards in the truck stare at her.
Simon walks up to the driver-side window.
Driver sees him.

DRIVER
Move the Dumpster. It’s in the way.

Simon pretends he can’t hear.
Silently moves his mouth like he’s talking.

Driver opens the door,
starts to get out.

Just at that moment,
Kelsey approaches the passenger side door.

Pulls out a cigarette.
RAPS on the window.

KELSEY
Hey. You gotta light?

PASSENGER-SIDE GUARD
No, sorry.

She gets closer. Smiles.
Passenger-Side stares. Wow.

ON THE OTHER SIDE
Driver Guard gets in Simon’s face.

DRIVER
I said MOVE the fucking DUMPSTER.

Simon CLIPS Driver on the head with his gun,
knocking him to the ground.

Passenger Side sees,
reaches for his weapon --

as Simon JUMPS in the cab,
JAMS his gun in his face.

SIMON
Ever heard the expression
'explodes in a red mist?'

IN THE REAR COMPARTMENT
The THIRD GUARD tries working the radio,
without success.

THIRD GUARD
Hello? Hello? Come in, GODDAMMIT.
We’re being ROBBED.

AT THE END OF THE ALLEY
A panel truck backs up toward us.
Reaches the armored car. Stops. Jo gets out.

AT THE BANK EXIT
Doc stands to the side of the door.
Jo joins on the other side.

They pull out Uzis.
Nod to each other.

The door OPENS.
Out comes a BIG BANK GUARD.

Sees the Dumpster blocking the way.
Doc presses his Uzi against his chest.

DOC
Make a move and you’re shredded beef.

SIMON AND KELSEY
Press their guns against the guards’ heads.
Take their guns.

KELSEY
Now take out your keys
and open the door.

They reach into their pockets.
Pull them out.

SIMON
Slowly. No sudden movements.

KELSEY
We don’t wanna hurt anybody.

In unison, they open the door --
revealing THIRD GUARD, crouched on one knee.
Gun aimed at them with both hands.

THIRD GUARD
Shit.

KELSEY
Toss it, NOW.

He does.

SIMON
Get out.

IN THE BANK
Doc and Jo walk Big Bank Guard
toward the back.

The MANAGER, a puffy, corporate type
in beige wearing a goatee and glasses sees him.
Then Doc and Jo. Their guns.

BEIGE BANK MANAGER
Wh-what’s going on?

DOC
What does it look like?

BEIGE BANK MANAGER
AGAIN?

DOC
Second time’s a charm.
(beat)
In your office, NOW.

He stares. Open-mouthed.

JO
You heard the man. MOVE IT.

IN THE PANEL TRUCK
Simon handcuffs the guards to a steel pole
just under the ceiling of the compartment.
Kelsey holds a gun on them.

DRIVER
You’ll never get away with this.

Simon STUFFS a rag in his mouth.

SIMON
Watch us --