Monday, November 29, 2010
Cue The Warm And Fuzzies
Hey there, crime kids. Feeling bloated from all that Thanksgiving turkey? Depressed that you had to go back to work today? Well, here's something that should cheer you up. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.
In Chapter 21 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love and her family make a tentative peace on the way to her father's funeral, when in the car, they make a most unexpected discovery ...
EXT. MALIBU BEACHFRONT MANSION - DRIVEWAY - DAY
Todd Senior’s joint.
A giant home right on the sand.
Gleaming chrome and glass.
Out of a coffee table book.
After my meltdown,
cooler heads prevailed.
The evil superpowers reached detente.
Eva got to have her cremation,
and Todd got to have his funeral.
Half of my father’s ashes
would be buried in the cemetery,
and the other half would be
sprinkled into the ocean.
I’m sure he would have loved it.
Two services for the price of one.
Cue the warm and fuzzies --
Standing in the driveway are
Carrie, Margo, Nate and Todd.
Decked out in funeral black.
They regard Todd Senior’s
humongous Mercedes Benz.
He finally bought a black car.
After all those years of brown.
Always brown --
Brown is the only color
in Dad’s rainbow.
They look at each other.
Smile at their private joke.
We might as well take Dad’s car.
It’s the right thing to do.
Not to mention 'event-appropriate'.
Nate stifles a giggle.
Todd shoots Carrie a look.
Margo stomps out her cigarette.
Let’s get this show on the road.
I’ve got my book club at three.
Todd goes to the driver’s-side door.
Thanks, dad --
What was that?
Sorry, dad --
WHAT did you say?
Children, KNOCK IT OFF.
Get in the car.
We’re supposed to be IN MOURNING.
INT. MERCEDES BENZ - MOVING - DAY
Todd drives. Margo sits shotgun.
Carrie behind Todd.
Nate sits next to her.
They look out the windows.
How about a little music
to lighten the mood?
That would be nice --
Todd holds up a CD.
Bryan Ferry okay?
Who’s a fairy?
Todd tries to slide
the CD in the player.
But it won’t go in.
Everybody sees. Realizes.
The last CD he was listening to
is still in there.
A pregnant pause.
Everyone exchanges glances.
Go ahead. Play it.
Todd takes a deep breath.
Places his index finger on the button.
Presses PLAY, and --
The sickly-sweet sounds of Julio Iglesias’
TO ALL THE GIRLS I’VE LOVED BEFORE
floods the car at a DEAFENING VOLUME.
Oh MY GOD.
HA, HA, HA --
Everyone erupts into WILD LAUGHTER.
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
Carrie and her family walk toward
the crowd of mourners around the grave site.
Trying not to smile.
And for the first time in a long time,
we actually resembled a normal family.
It only took staring death in the face
to bring us together.
At least for a little while --