Two Outta Three Ain't Bad

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In the final chapter of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love gets a little visit from a certain porn star, and then more than sparks fly ...


INT. CARRIE’S BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - DUSK
Carrie walks over to the stereo.
Looking hot in black.

Sipping a giant cocktail
of something strong.

CARRIE (V.O.)
People mourn in different ways.
Some just lie around the house
feeling miserable.
Some people get drunk.
(beat)
Others get laid.

She goes to the mini-stereo.
Presses PLAY.

The Supreme Beings of Leisure’s sexy, Euro-croon
THE LAST GIRL ON EARTH fills the room.

Carrie slinks away,
in time to the music,
sipping her potion.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Hey, two outta three ain’t bad.

INT. CARRIE’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Carrie checks out her reflection.
Touches up her lipstick.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I can’t remember when
I’d been so excited about a date.
I even got out the real perfume.

She squirts a cloud of scent.
Walks into it. COUGHS.

IN THE LIVING ROOM
The CD starts SKIPPING.
Carrie picks up the remote.
Presses a button.

On shuffle, it starts playing
ABC’S pop-magic-confection
THE LOOK OF LOVE.

Big smile. She lights a joint.
Inhales. Closes her eyes.

Goes off somewhere to the music,
dancing, swirling --

The doorbell RINGS.
Carrie tenses.

Walks to the door,
opens it to reveal --

A tall tumbler of intoxication.
Laura in a tight,
sheer ankle-length number
with buttons all the way up the front.

With five, maybe six buttoned.
Nothing else on underneath.

LAURA
Oh my god.
That’s my favorite song --

Their eyes lock.

CARRIE
(heart THUMPING)
It’s -- my favorite song, too.

Laura TOSSES her handbag.
GRABS Carrie.

LAURA
How in the hell did I find you?

And they kiss.
Swimming in passion.
Fall to the floor.

Laura on top,
insinuating her splendor
into Carrie’s grass.

CARRIE
The -- yellow pages?

The phone BR-RINGS.

LAURA
(devouring her, throaty)
Let the machine get it.

CARRIE
(under water)
It’s -- broken.

BR-RING. BR-RING.

LAURA
Godammit.

She WHIPS off a shoe.
FLINGS it at the intruder.
CRASH.

LAURA
(starts biting her neck)
Now -- where was I?

CARRIE
You were -- uh --

Laura gently cups Carrie’s breasts.

LAURA
(throaty)
That’s right.
I was claiming what’s mine.

Carrie MOANS with pleasure.

EXT. CARRIE’S BUNGALOW - NIGHT
We see her living room window.
Open. Light spilling out.

CARRIE (V.O.)
That’s it for now, folks.
Time for me to head off
into the sunset.
And time for you
to get back to your
happy, shiny little lives.
Time to go walk the dog,
read a book before bed --
or, if you’re really lucky,
make love to that certain someone
that makes your head spin.

From inside, we hear something CRASH.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Me? I’ll be right here,
playing craps with my heart --
and spinning the roulette wheel of love.

Cue The Warm And Fuzzies

Hey there, crime kids. Feeling bloated from all that Thanksgiving turkey? Depressed that you had to go back to work today? Well, here's something that should cheer you up. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 21 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love and her family make a tentative peace on the way to her father's funeral, when in the car, they make a most unexpected discovery ...


EXT. MALIBU BEACHFRONT MANSION - DRIVEWAY - DAY
Todd Senior’s joint.
A giant home right on the sand.

Gleaming chrome and glass.
Out of a coffee table book.

CARRIE (V.O.)
After my meltdown,
cooler heads prevailed.
The evil superpowers reached detente.
Eva got to have her cremation,
and Todd got to have his funeral.
Half of my father’s ashes
would be buried in the cemetery,
and the other half would be
sprinkled into the ocean.
I’m sure he would have loved it.
Two services for the price of one.
(beat)
Cue the warm and fuzzies --

ANGLE ON:

Standing in the driveway are
Carrie, Margo, Nate and Todd.

Decked out in funeral black.
Stiff. Somber.

They regard Todd Senior’s
humongous Mercedes Benz.

CARRIE
He finally bought a black car.
After all those years of brown.
Always brown --

NATE
Brown is the only color
in Dad’s rainbow.

They look at each other.
Smile at their private joke.

TODD
We might as well take Dad’s car.
It’s the right thing to do.

NATE
Symbolic --

CARRIE
Not to mention 'event-appropriate'.

Nate stifles a giggle.
Todd shoots Carrie a look.

Margo stomps out her cigarette.
Shudders.

MARGO
Let’s get this show on the road.
I’ve got my book club at three.

Todd goes to the driver’s-side door.
Opens it.

TODD
I’ll drive.

CARRIE
(low)
Thanks, dad --

TODD
What was that?

CARRIE
Nothing.

NATE
(mumbles)
Sorry, dad --

TODD
WHAT did you say?

MARGO
Children, KNOCK IT OFF.
Get in the car.
We’re supposed to be IN MOURNING.

INT. MERCEDES BENZ - MOVING - DAY
Todd drives. Margo sits shotgun.
Carrie behind Todd.

Nate sits next to her.
They look out the windows.
Pensive. Silent.

TODD
How about a little music
to lighten the mood?

MARGO
That would be nice --

Todd holds up a CD.

TODD
Bryan Ferry okay?

CARRIE
Yeah, sure.

NATE
Cool.

MARGO
Who’s a fairy?

Todd tries to slide
the CD in the player.
But it won’t go in.

Everybody sees. Realizes.
The last CD he was listening to
is still in there.

A pregnant pause.
Everyone exchanges glances.

CARRIE
Go ahead. Play it.

Todd takes a deep breath.
Places his index finger on the button.
Presses PLAY, and --

The sickly-sweet sounds of Julio Iglesias’
TO ALL THE GIRLS I’VE LOVED BEFORE
floods the car at a DEAFENING VOLUME.

CARRIE
Oh MY GOD.

NATE
HA, HA, HA --

Everyone erupts into WILD LAUGHTER.

EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
Carrie and her family walk toward
the crowd of mourners around the grave site.

Trying not to smile.
Stifling giggles.

CARRIE (V.O.)
And for the first time in a long time,
we actually resembled a normal family.
It only took staring death in the face
to bring us together.
(beat)
At least for a little while --

One Day At A Crime

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking Black Friday. So what are you gonna do on you day off? Why not take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 20 of LEGS, the shit hits the fan when private eye Carrie Love and homicide detective Bernie Keko have their final showdown at the Cheetah Lounge strip club with white slave trader Cor Chirac ...


INT. COR’S OFFICE - NIGHT
A fussy, over-decorated dimly lit room
done up very chi-chi modern.
Zebra print furniture. Tiki bar.

Some trashy Euro-trance thump-thump-thumps
softly on the stereo.

Carrie’s out cold.
Wrists handcuffed to a chair facing Cor,
seated behind his futuristic desk.

He lights a cigarette.
Looks at his watch.
Nods to the music.

Carrie opens her eyes.
Struggles to focus. Sees Cor.

COR
I trust you had a nice little nap.

CARRIE
You’re not gonna get away with this.

COR
Oh, yes I am --
(beat)
But we have a problem.

CARRIE
No shit.

COR
I’m not in the habit of
killing officers of the law,
or private detectives for that matter --
(smiles)
So I’d like to offer you a deal.

CARRIE
What kind of deal?

COR
A hundred thousand dollars
for you and Dirty Harry --
EACH, tax free.
If you keep your mouth shut
about my business.

CARRIE
A hundred K -- ?

COR
I THOUGHT that might
pique your interest.

She glares at him.
Narrows her eyes.

CARRIE
Two hundred.

COR
My dear, I don’t think
you’re in any position to negotiate --

GUN SHOTS RING OUT
in the corridor outside.
BANG. BANG. BANG.

INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - MAIN STAGE - NIGHT
A trio of DANCERS onstage SCREAM. Customers PANIC.
Everyone RACES toward the exits,
KNOCKING OVER tables and chairs.

Complete pandemonium.
Strippus interruptus.

INT. COR’S OFFICE - NIGHT
Cor hears the commotion.
BOLTS UP out of his chair.

COR
What the FUCK?

Carrie JUMPS UP, GRABS the arms
of the chair in her cuffed hands.

SWINGS AROUND IN A CIRCLE,
and SMASHES the chair into him, CRACK.

He goes FLYING across the room --
CRASHING into the bar.
Mirrored glass SMASHES, goes FLYING.

Carrie WHIRLS AROUND again.
CRACKS the chair against the wall.
SMASHING it into pieces.

She RACES over. GRABS Cor’s gun.
Looks at him. Passed out on the floor.

CARRIE
THAT’S for thinking
I could be BOUGHT, asshole.

She tip-toes over to the door.
Puts her hand on the knob.
It SWINGS OPEN, to reveal --

DINA.
Pointing a gun at Carrie.
Ridley’s dead body lies
on the floor behind her.

DINA
Surprise.

Carrie WHIPS out her gun.
CLICK.

CARRIE
Put the gun down.

DINA
Fuck you, bitch.
We had a great little business
going here, and you FUCKED IT UP.

CARRIE
WRONG. If your father hadn’t
hired me to find you, you’d be DEAD.

DINA
My father hired you?
(beat)
Wait a minute. I’m confused.
I thought you were a COP.

CARRIE
I was. Now I’m a private detective --

BERNIE (O.C.)
Drop the fucking gun
or I’ll blow your BRAINS OUT.

BERNIE
Appears behind her.
Service revolver aimed at her head.

Dina turns and looks.
Carrie SOCKS her in the jaw, CRACK,
sending her FLYING into the door.
She HITS the floor, THUMP.

Bernie and Carrie exchange looks.

BERNIE
Seems like old times --

CARRIE
Till death to us part, doll.

BERNIE
Still make a great team, huh?

CARRIE
Team of what, I don’t know --

BERNIE
C’mon, admit it.
I saved your ass.

CARRIE
Please. I was just toying with her.

BERNIE
You’re welcome.

They stare at each other.

CARRIE
(softly)
Thanks.

BERNIE
You wanna -- go get a cup of coffee?

CARRIE
I’m fried, Bernie. Rain check?

A FLUSTERED COP (20’s)
appears behind Bernie.
Weapon drawn.

Another FEMALE OFFICER
has the Russian girl.

FLUSTERED COP
FREEZE. Nobody MOVE.

BERNIE
Easy there, fella. I’m a cop.
I’m gonna pull out my badge,
very slowly, okay?

FLUSTERED COP
Okay --

Bernie reaches into his jacket.
Pulls out his badge.
Flustered nods.

FLUSTERED COP
Who’s she?
(realizes)
Holy SHIT. Wait a minute --

BERNIE
Meet Carrie Love, private eye.
She just cracked this case
like Venus on the half-shell.
NOBODY fucks with her.

CARRIE
(nods)
One day at a crime, babe.

The Swinging Detective

Happy Thanksgiving, crime slicksters. Welcome to our special holiday edition, where it's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 19 of LEGS, the shit hits the fan when private eye Carrie love and stripper-heiress Dina Daerr sneak inside the Cheetah Lounge to rescue homicide detective Bernie Keko and capture white slave trader Cor Chirac ...


EXT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - REAR PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Carrie’s car pulls into the lot. Parks.

INT. CARRIE’S PORSCHE - NIGHT
Carrie shuts off the engine.
Leans over. Unlocks Dina’s cuffs.

Dina rubs her wrists.

CARRIE
The back door.
What does it lead to?

DINA
The kitchen.

CARRIE
How many in the kitchen?

DINA
Just Paco, the cook.

CARRIE
Can I take him?

DINA
Hell, yeah. He’s a dwarf.

CARRIE
That’s what I call a 'short order cook.'

EXT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - BACK DOOR - NIGHT
Carrie stands on one side of the door.
Dina on the other.

She pulls out her 9MM Baretta.
Shoves in a new clip.

DINA
You got an extra gun?

CARRIE
(nods)
Strapped to my ankle.

DINA
Can I borrow it? I’m scared.

CARRIE
No. It’s against the law.

DINA
I promise I won’t --

CARRIE
NO GUN.

DINA
But --

CARRIE
I said NO, and I MEANT no.
So zip it.

DINA
Alright, alright.
(beat)
Jeez.

Carrie SIGHS.

CARRIE
Okay. You go in first.
Distract him. He’ll recognize you.
Then I’ll race in and grab him. Okay?

PUSH IN ON Dina’s face.
Nodding. Now scared.

INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
A small transistor radio
softly plays meringue music.

A small grill area.
Big sink nearby.
Pots and pans hanging above.

PACO (30’s), a Mexican dwarf,
stands on a box,
busily flips burgers,
cigarette dangling on his lip.
Concentrating.

The back door OPENS.
In walks Dina. Big smile.

DINA
Hey, Paco. Smells good.

PACO
Mees Dina.
You come back to work here?

DINA
Maybe. I’m here to see Cor.
Is he around?

PACO
(nods)
In da office --

Carrie walks in.
Big smile on her face.

CARRIE
Looks great. Got an extra burger?

PACO
Sorry. These are for the customers.

She pulls out her Baretta.
CRACKS him on the head with it.

CATCHES him before he falls over.
Dina watches in horror.

DINA
You didn’t have to --

CARRIE
Yes, I did.
Grab that laundry cart over there.

She nods. Wheels it over.
Carrie dumps Paco in it.

Goes the grill.
Scoops up the burgers.
Tosses them in the trash.

CARRIE
Okay. Which way to Cor’s office?

Dina starts for the doorway.

DINA
This way. Follow me --

INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - BACK CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Dina leads Carrie down the hallway.
Carrie nods at a door.

CARRIE
Where does that lead?

DINA
The basement. Bimbo cold storage.

CARRIE
(nods, points)
And that one?

DINA
Storage closet.

CARRIE
(stops)
Hold on a sec.

She pulls out her phone.
Punches a number. Listens.

From the other side of the door,
we hear a soft RINGING.

CARRIE
He’s in there --

She puts her hand on the knob.

A GUN WITH A SILENCER
Appears next to Carrie’s head.
The trigger CLICKS.

COR (O.C.)
So glad you could join us, Ms. Love.

COR CIRAC
Stands behind her.
Holding the gun.
Ridley beside him.

COR
(to Ridley)
Take the package downstairs.
I’ve got the swinging detective.

Ridley GRABS Dina by the arms.
Carrie DUCKS.

Tries to overpower Cor,
but he CRACKS her on the head
with his piece.

She goes down, THWUMP.

COR
(shakes his head)
American women are so -- feisty.

Shut Up And Drive

Hey there, crime kids. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 18 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love drives back to the scene of the crime, the Cheetah Lounge strip club, with her passenger, heiress/murder suspect Dina Daerr, who makes a most shocking revelation ...


INT. CARRIE’S PORSCHE - MOVING - NIGHT
Carrie drives out of the motel parking lot.
Dina sits on the passenger side
handcuffed to the door handle.

CARRIE (V.O.)
So Jonna was in on it --
and that meant that her story
about Dick blackmailing Dina was a crock.
There WERE no sex tapes.
This was becoming as confusing
as a Raymond Chandler novel --

Carrie PUNCHES a number
on her cell phone. Listens.

CARRIE
C’mon, Bernie -- pick up.
(hears the voicemail)
SHIT. Bernie, it’s me, Legs.
It was a trap.
Jonna was holding Dina hostage
and tried to kill me,
so I had to kill HER.
I’ve got Dina, and I’m
on my way back to the club.
Cor Cirac must be the mastermind --
you gotta apprehend him IMMEDIATELY.
Call me when you get this message. Bye.

She CLICKS the phone shut.
Shakes her head with disgust.

DINA
I still don’t see why
I have to be handcuffed.
I’ve been traumatized, you know --

CARRIE
You’re handcuffed because
you’re the main suspect
in the murder of your father,
I’ve been looking for you all night,
and now that I’ve got you,
I’m not letting you go. Capiche?

DINA
I didn’t kill my father.

CARRIE
Yeah, right. His throat was cut
by someone who’s short AND left-handed.

DINA
COR is short and left-handed --

CARRIE
What?

DINA
Why would I kill my father?
We were gonna be in business together.

CARRIE
Yeah, right. What BUSINESS?

DINA
White slave trafficking.
(off her look)
Don’t be so shocked.
Cor and Jonna were already
doing it, we just wanted in.
In this economy, it’s
one of the few growth industries.

CARRIE
Wait, wait, wait --
slow down a minute.
My head is spinning.
Start from the beginning.

DINA
(sighs)
If I tell you,
will you take off the cuffs?

CARRIE
Maybe. TALK.

Dina stares at her.
Throws daggers with her eyes.

Carrie SWERVES the car
off the road into the shoulder.

WHIPS out her gun.
JAMS IT against Dina’s head.

CARRIE
Talk. NOW. Or that curb
is getting a fresh coat of red paint.

DINA
Alright, alright.
Put down the piece.
(sighs)
Daddy found out that
Cor and Jonna had
something big going on,
so he had me go undercover
at the club as a dancer.

CARRIE
White slave trafficking --

DINA
Yeah. Some girls that came
to the club wanting
to be dancers were illegal,
so he decided to
kidnap them and sell them.
When Daddy found out
how much money he was making,
he wanted a piece of the pie.
But Cor got greedy and said no.

CARRIE
How did he find out?

DINA
Bank statements.
Stupid fucking Canuck
put the money in the BANK.
I swiped ‘em as evidence.

CARRIE
So that’s what
Bigfoot was looking for --
(beat)
But how could he try to muscle in
if Cor was the owner of the club?

DINA
Cor’s NOT the owner.
My father was.
Cor’s just the front.
'The Hearing Aid Guru To The Stars'
didn’t want his good name
involved in a STRIP CLUB --

CARRIE
So Cor killed him.

DINA
Sure looks that way --

CARRIE
And tried to frame you.

DINA
Yeah. He had me in one of those
dungeons the whole time.
Then they moved me
to that horrible motel.

CARRIE
So they could use you
as bait to get ME --

DINA
Right. They couldn’t
abduct you at the club.

CARRIE
(nods)
Anything else?

DINA
Yeah. I overheard something about
abducting a cop that was snooping around.
Is that the guy you called, Bernie?

CARRIE
Yeah.
(beat)
SHIT.

Carrie HITS THE GAS,
and starts TEARING ASS down the street.

DINA
Hey. What about the handcuffs?

CARRIE
When we get there.

DINA
Get where? The club?

CARRIE
Yeah. I’m gonna need your help.

DINA
You mean I gotta go BACK THERE?

CARRIE
Gotta better way
to prove your innocence?

DINA
Shut up and drive.

They Check In, But They Don't Check Out

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 17 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love is tied up and unconscious in a shitty motel room as stripper Jonna James hides murder suspect Dina Daerr, also tied up, in the trunk of her car, but when Carrie wakes up, she does what she does best ... she KICKS ASS ...


INT. SHITTY MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
A shower curtain is spread on the floor.
Dina lies on it, scared shitless.
Tied up like a pot roast.

Jonna starts rolling her up
like some kind of ungodly burrito.

IN THE OPPOSITE CORNER
Carrie lies on the bed, out cold.
Wrists tied behind her.

JONNA
Finishes. Picks Dina up.
Carries her toward the door.
Opens it. Walks outside --

EXT. SHITTY MOTEL - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Jonna looks around.
Makes sure the coast is clear.

Heads over to her car.
Puts Dina down on the gravel.
Opens the trunk.

INT. SHITTY MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Carrie’s eyes open.
She looks around. No one. Huh.

She sees the open closet door.
Realizes.

She slides onto her back.
Raises her legs, and slowly, like a snake,
starts to work her wrists forward
across her ass, then up her legs.
Slowly. Painfully.

IN THE PARKING LOT
Jonna picks up Dina.
Puts her in the trunk.

IN THE MOTEL ROOM
Carrie’s almost there.
Suddenly her stomach muscles CRAMP.

CARRIE
Ow --

IN THE PARKING LOT
Dina SLAMS the trunk. Nods.
Exhausted. Starts heading back.

IN THE MOTEL ROOM
Carrie hears the trunk slam.
Starts to panic. Closes her eyes.

Fights through the pain.
Wrists now half-way across
the balls of her feet.
Almost there --

She hears Jonna’s high heels
CLICK-CLICK-CLICKING outside.

OUTSIDE THE MOTEL ROOM
A GIANT DRUNK REDNECK BIKER (40’s)
appears out of nowhere.

Gets in Jonna’s face.
Hefting a six-pack of cheap beer.

GIANT DRUNK REDNECK BIKER
Well, hello there, lil’ lady.
Wanna party?

JONNA
In your dreams --

She tries to get by him,
but he blocks her way.

GIANT DRUNK REDNECK BIKER
Aw, c’mon. You smell so nice --

JONNA
Beat it, Billy Bob.
Get THE FUCK out of my face.
You smell like ASS.

IN THE MOTEL ROOM
Carrie hears this. Grunts.
Uses all her might. Pushing --

And her hands FLY OVER her feet.
She DID IT. She rolls over.

Gets off the bed. Stands.
Scans the room for a weapon.

OUTSIDE THE MOTEL ROOM
Giant Redneck GRABS Jonna by the hair.
Pulls her head back.

GIANT DRUNK REDNECK BIKER
I think you owe me an APOLOGY.
That was awfully RUDE.

Jonna KNEES Giant in the crotch.
He REELS BACK in pain.

DROPS the six-pack, CRASH.
Bottles SMASH.

GIANT BIKER-LOOKING DUDE
GAAA --

JONNA
Take THAT, motherfucker.
Now go fuck your SISTER.

She steps around him,
goes to her door, opens it.

IN THE MOTEL ROOM
Carrie stands next to the doorway,
holding a lamp awkwardly
in her tied hands.

Jonna walks in.
Carrie SMASHES IT on her head. CRACK.

The bulb POPS.
Jonna reels back.
HITS the floor.

Carrie pulls a foot back to kick her,
but Jonna GRABS the other ankle
and YANKS on it.

Carrie FALLS TO THE FLOOR.

Jonna GRABS her by the throat.
Starts SQUEEZING.

Carrie SHOOTS UP her tied hands.
CLIPS her under the chin. HARD.

Jonna’s head JERKS BACK.
She lets go of Carrie’s throat.

Shakes her head.
Tries to get her bearings --

As Carrie LEAPS UP --
and CHARGES HER --
PUSHING HER across the room --
and right INTO THE WINDOW.

She FLIES THROUGH THE GLASS
as it SPRAYS out into the night.

Carrie looks at the broken window.
Sneers.

CARRIE
They check in, but they don’t check out.

She walks over. Looks. Sees --

OUTSIDE THE ROOM
Jonna. Lying in a pool
of blood and broken glass.

THE MOTEL MANAGER
Stands near the body.
In shock. Horrified.

Carrie appears next to him.
Tied wrists in front of her.

FREAKED OUT MOTEL MANAGER
What the fuck DID YOU DO?
I’m calling the FUCKING COPS.

CARRIE
I think that would be a good idea.

FREAKED OUT MOTEL MANAGER
Huh?

CARRIE
I’m a private detective,
working a case.

She raises her wrists in explanation.

FREAKED OUT MOTEL MANAGER
You did that -- tied up like that?

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face.
A hint of a smile.

CARRIE
You should see me WRESTLE.

Mystery Date

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 16 of LEGS, the shit really hits the fan when we learn that stripper Jonna James isn't what she appears to be, and when private eye Carrie Love arrives at her motel room, she's in for a BIG surprise. Meanwhile, homicide detective Bernie Keko reaches the climax of his lap dance ... and gets an even BIGGER surprise ...


INT. SHITTY MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Jonna sits on the threadbare bed.
PUNCHES another number on her cell. Listens.

JONNA
C’mon, pick up, pick up --
(listens)
Cor, it’s me --
(listens)
Yeah. She’s on her way --
(listens)
It’s time. Reel ‘em in.
(listens)
Don’t HURT him. He’s a COP.
We’ll figure out what
to do with him later --
(listens)
That’s a good boy. Later.

She CLICKS the phone shut.
Smiles. Evil.

Walks over to the closet.
Opens it, revealing --

DINA (20’s). Tied and gagged.
Bright eyes blinking madly.
Small and lithe, very pretty.
And right now, scared shitless.

JONNA
How’s my little heiress doing?
Ready for your mystery date?

Dina THRASHES
against her restraints.

A muffled SCREAM
from behind the duct tape.

JONNA
Keep that up and the neighbors
will think we’re on our honeymoon --

INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - VIP ROOM - NIGHT
Gorgeous Asian Stripper
continues to work on Bernie,
now in the throws of ecstasy.

She writhes. WHIPS her hair around.
Leans over. Works her knee on his crotch.

He closes his eyes.
COMES like a bull on steroids.

BERNIE
G-YAHHHHHH --

His body SPASMS. JERKS.
Then goes limp.

Gorgeous Asian smiles. Turns.
Sees something. Then dashes off.

Bernie opens his eyes.
Sees her leave. Quizzical.

BERNIE
Was it something I said?

Cor steps into the room.
Silky smile.

COR
I trust everything was satisfactory?

BERNIE
(embarrassed)
Uh, yeah --

A GIANT BEARDED THUG appears.
Holding a semiautomatic weapon.

A dead ringer for the dude
that was trashing Dina’s joint.

BERNIE
Who the fuck are YOU?

COR
This is Ridley.
He’s very upset about
what you did to his brother.

RIDLEY
(walks toward him)
I’m very upset.

BERNIE
HEY.

Bernie goes for his piece,
but Bearded is faster.

He PISTOL-WHIPS him
on the head, CRACK.
He hits the floor, THWUMP.

RIDLEY
And he’s a COP?

COR
(looks at him)
Well, he DID just come in his pants.

EXT. THE SAFARI MOTEL - NIGHT
A touristy-tacky dump
in the cheap seats
on Hollywood Boulevard.

A sign in the window
proclaims FREE HBO.

Carrie stands in front of room twelve.
Softly KNOCK-KNOCKS.

No answer.
Knock-knocks again.

She tries the knob.
It’s unlocked.

She opens the door.
Peers in.

INT. SHITTY MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Carrie walks in. Looks around.

CARRIE
Hello?

JONNA LEAPS OUT from behind the door.
SWINGS a steel pipe.

CRACKS Carrie on the head, THUNK.
She blinks. Weaves.

CARRIE
Hey, that really --

And hits the floor, THWUMP.

JONNA
Hurt? No SHIT, detective.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I felt a crack on my head.
Then I saw stars.
But they were pretty stars,
almost comforting.
I decided I wanted to
stay there awhile
and get some rest.
And I fell down, down, down
into a black hole,
swimming, under water,
the current pulling me
into a whirlpool of darkness --
(beat)
Until I was gone.

INT. THE CHEETAH CLUB - BASEMENT STORAGE ROOM - NIGHT
Dark. Filled with supplies.
Cleaning shit.

The usual basement crap.
Bernie sits in a wooden chair.
Still out like a light.

Ridley ties his
ankles and wrists to a chair.

Cor stands in the doorway. Watching.

COR
Make sure it’s good and tight.

RIDLEY
So what are we gonna do with him?

COR
I dunno. I’ve never dealt with
this kind of -- merchandise before.

RIDLEY
I’ve got some ideas --

COR
We’ll worry about that later.
Hurry up. You need to get ready
to receive Jonna’s package.

He’s finished. Stands up.
Smiles at Cor. Nods.

RIDLEY
'For when it absolutely,
positively has to be there' --

Faster Than Roman Polanski At A Slumber Party

Hey there, crime kids. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 15 of LEGS, things really heat up when private eye Carrie Love gets a call from stripper Jonna James about murder suspect Dina Daerr's location, so as she heads over there, she calls her ex, homicide detective Bernie Keko at the Cheetah Lounge, interrupting his VIP room lap dance ...


EXT./INT. CARRIE’S PORSCHE - MOVING - NIGHT
Carrie’s behind the wheel.
The wind whipping her hair.

We see tears streaked on her face.
She lights a smoke.

The car stops at a light.
Carrie leans over.

Opens the glove compartment.
Pulls out a flask. Takes a hit.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Necessity is the mother of inebriation --

Her cell phone RINGS.
She answers it.

CARRIE
This is Carrie --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. SHITTY MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
A crusty dive of a joint
on the wrong end of Hollywood Boulevard.

Jonna talks on her cell,
paces back and forth.

JONNA
Carrie, it’s me.

CARRIE
What’s up?
I thought you were gonna crash,
get some rest.

JONNA
DINA called me --

CARRIE
What the FUCK? Where is she?

JONNA
At a motel. I just got here.
She called me all freaked out,
didn’t know where to go,
found out the cops were looking for her.
Can you come over?
We’re at the Safari,
on Hollywood Boulevard,
room twelve --

CARRIE
I’m on my way.

JONNA
Have you found any leads yet?

CARRIE
Bernie’s over at
the Cheetah snooping around.
I’ll call and tell him the news.

JONNA
Super. See you soon. And hurry.

CARRIE
I’ll be there faster than
Roman Polanski at a slumber party.

She punches END.
Speed-dials another number.

CARRIE
(into the phone)
Bernie. It’s Legs. Pick up.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - VIP ROOM - NIGHT
A gaudy, over-done private room in the back.
Some weird, shitty Top-Forty song
blares on a boom box.

Bernie’s getting a VERY intimate
lap dance from a GORGEOUS ASIAN STRIPPER.

His phone RING-RINGS in his pocket.
He looks at it, eyes almost closed.
His face a rictus of ecstasy.

BERNIE
Shit --

RING-RING.

He puts his hand up.
Gently pushes the girl away.

BERNIE
I gotta get that. Hold on.
(pulls it out)
Sorry --
(into the phone)
Yeah?

CARRIE
It’s me. We’ve got Dina.

BERNIE
Really? Where?

CARRIE
She called Jonna.
She’s at a motel.
I’m on my way there now.
Did you find anything?

Bernie looks at the room,
the girl. Embarrassed.

BERNIE
Uh, not yet --

CARRIE
You were getting a lap dance,
weren’t you?

BERNIE
A lap dance?
Are you fucking KIDDING?
No way.

CARRIE
Nice try, Bernie.
I can practically smell
the cheap perfume over the phone.
Did you at least scope out the owner?

BERNIE
Of course I did.
Nice guy. Bit of a fag,
but he comped me for the night,
so I thought I’d hang out
and scope out the action.
It’s late, and I figured
we’d continue tomorrow --

CARRIE
Alright, alright.
Just stay put.
I’ll call you after
I talk to the devil doll.

BERNIE
Works for me --

CARRIE
Just try to keep it in your pants, okay?

BERNIE
Of course.

CARRIE
As if --

She CLICKS the phone shut.
Shakes her head.

CARRIE
So many men.
So few bullets in a gun --

What Would Mike Hammer Do?

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love leaves Club Fuck after closing time, dejected that she couldn't find her date, porn star Laura Wood, when suddenly she finds her on the sidewalk, and more than sparks fly. Meanwhile strip club owner Cor Cirac tends to his underaged Russian female white slave imprisoned in the basement ...


EXT. CLUB FUCK - NIGHT
Closing time. Party kids spill onto the sidewalk.
Carrie weaves out the door.
Fumbles in her purse, pulls out a smoke.

LAURA
There you are.

CARRIE
Oh, hi.
(beat)
I never -- found you in there.

LAURA
That’s a shame.
I had my top off for an hour --
before I got busted.

CARRIE
Security?

LAURA
No. My date.
He finally found me.

CARRIE
Where’s he now?

LAURA
I finally lost him.

CARRIE
Oh.
(beat)
So --

LAURA
So?

CARRIE
So -- can I get --
your phone number?

LAURA
(writes on Carrie’s hand)
Don’t wash it off, now.
(doesn’t let go)
You’ll regret it.

CARRIE
Thanks.

LAURA
Call me.

CARRIE
I will.
(beat)
So -- I guess, um --

Pause.

LAURA
Well, aren’t you gonna kiss me?

CARRIE
Uh -- yeah.

They kiss. Soft. Tender.
No one else in the world.

APPLAUSE.

They break apart.

A CROWD OF ONLOOKERS
Cheer. Carrie looks down. Embarrassed.

LAURA
You better go home, detective,
and get some rest.
(beat)
I got plans for you.

PUSH IN on Carrie’s face.
Suddenly sober.

CARRIE
(whispers)
Plans -- for me?

INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT
Music softly THUMP-THUMP-THUMPS from above.
Dark and shitty. Like something out of SAW.

Cor walks down a dimly lit corridor
carrying a paper bag. Gets to the end.

We see a big, steel windowless door,
like to a jail cell.

He pulls his keys out. Opens it.

INSIDE
We see a padded, sound-proof cell.
Lying on the floor is a RUSSIAN GIRL (17).

She stares at him blankly.
Drugged to the gills.

Cor opens the bag.
Tosses her a wrapped SANDWICH.

COR
Time for a midnight snack, my lovely.
Your new husband will be here later,
and we don’t want your blood-sugar level
to get too low.

Underaged stares at the sandwich blankly.

COR
Eat, eat, eat. I made it myself.
Chicken salad. It’s good for you.
Now be good little mail order slave and EAT.
I’ll be back to tuck you in later.
NOT.

He shuts the door.
Locks it. Sighs happily.

COR
I’m finally going to be able to do
the remodel on the KITCHEN --

EXT./INT. CARRIE’S PORSCHE - MOVING - NIGHT
Carrie’s behind the wheel.
The wind whipping her hair.

We see tears streaked on her face.
She lights a smoke.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I didn’t know whether
I was coming or going.
Between trying to solve this case,
dealing with the family bullshit,
and falling head over heels
with a porn star,
I was caught between
a rock and a bad TV movie.
(beat)
What would Mike Hammer do?

From Dusk Till Dungeon

Happy Hump Day, crime humpsters! It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 13 of LEGS, homicide detective Bernie Keko goes undercover at The Cheetah Lounge strip club looking for clues to the disappearance of murder suspect Dina Daerr. Meanwhile, private eye Carrie Love sits at the bar of Club Fuck, waiting for her 'mystery date,' porn star Laura Wood ...


INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - NIGHT
Some glam-metal snap-crackle-CRUNCH over --

A GLOSSY BLONDE STRIPPER (20’s)
whirls around a pole onstage.

Descending like a silicone spider.
She HITS the stage. Does a SPLIT.

The crowd ROARS.
Money goes FLYING.

Bernie’s at the bar watching.
The CREEPY BARTENDER appears.

CREEPY BARTENDER
What can I get you -- officer.

Bernie turns his head. Startled.
Pissed. Looks at his watch.

BERNIE
You got Maker’s Mark?

CREEPY BARTENDER
(nods)
Classy --

BERNIE
A triple, on the rocks. Please.

He turns around.
Starts making the drink.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
I hope nothing is -- wrong.
We made our payment this month.

Bernie turns, sees --

COR CIRAC
Seated on the stool next to him.
Smiling. Sipping a drink.
Devouring him with twinkling eyes.

BERNIE
Payment?
(realizes)
Oh, no -- I’m not --

COR
Thank heavens.

Creepy serves Bernie his drink.
He pulls out his wallet.

COR
Put that away.
Your money is no good here.

BERNIE
Thanks.

COR
I myself am big fan of law enforcement.
Are you here for business or pleasure?

BERNIE
(sips his drink)
Business. One of your former employees
is wanted for questioning in connection
with a homicide earlier tonight.

COR
Oh, dear. Which employee?

BERNIE
Dina Daerr.

COR
Ah, yes. Sweet girl --
(sighs)
Quit on me with no notice.
But then, in this business --

BERNIE
Well, she’s disappeared.
We’ve talked to her roommate,
who has no idea where she went.
Do you know where she’s from?
Where her family is?

COR
I’m sorry. I wish I did,
but the girls come and go so quickly --
(beat)
I wish I could help you.
(beat)
Tell you what.
You must be going off-duty soon.
Stay awhile, as my guest.
On the house. Enjoy yourself. Please.

BERNIE
Don’t mind if I do.

COR
Splendid.
(gets up)
Now if you’ll excuse me,
I’ve got something
I need to take care of.

BERNIE
Okay. Thanks again --

Cor bows.
Then glides off into the darkness.

OILY DJ (O.C.)
Ladies and gentlemen,
The Cheetah Lounge is pleased to present,
all the way from Las Vegas, the incredible,
edible star of over five-hundred adult films --
please give it up for CHERRY NATION.

PUSH IN ON Bernie.
Sips his drink.
Eyes glued to the stage.

BERNIE
Wonder if I can get overtime for this --

INT. CLUB FUCK - NIGHT
Some naughty, sleazy go-go groove over --

A seedy, cozy, dark, dank den of depravity.
Monitors and screens show porn loops.
Cartoons. Psychedelic images.

Carrie sits at the bar
surrounded by a motley crew of
male, female and everything in between CLUB KIDS.
Nursing a drink.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I felt like Dorothy at the Texas Chainsaw Club
off to see the Wizard of Jizz.
Roger Corman, eat your heart out.
From Dusk Till Dungeon --
(takes a sip)
What the fuck was I doing here?
I should be mourning my father’s death,
but instead, here I am, trying to get laid --
(beat)
Story of my life.

Suddenly BRIGHT LIGHTS COME ON.
People at the bar cower like bats set to STUN.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
That’s it, people. Show’s over.
Time to take it somewhere else.
Thanks for COMING.

Carrie gets off her stool.
Looks at a GOTH COUPLE making out next to her.
Pin-Head shoving his forked tongue
down the throat of the Bride of Frankenstein.

CARRIE
Kids these days --

Like Bill O'Reilly On Steroids

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters! It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In chapter 12 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love again goes home to deal with the aftermath of her father's sudden death. She tries to play peacemaker between her younger brother Todd and her stepmother Eva, who both want to control his funeral arrangements, but when painful secrets from the past are revealed, all hell breaks loose ...


EXT. CARRIE’S PORSCHE - NIGHT
Carrie sits behind the wheel.
Jonna sits beside her in the passenger seat.
Bernie leans in the window.

BERNIE
I’m gonna go scope out the strip club.
Take her to a motel,
go deal with your family shit,
and then get some rest.
We’ll talk in the morning.
I’ll run Grizzly Adams on the system,
see what we come up with.

CARRIE
The name is French Canadian.
So is the club owner, Cor Cirac.
I have a hunch he’s involved in this.

JONNA
(leans over, to Bernie)
He might not be there.
Some nights he goes out.

CARRIE
Where does he go?

JONNA
He likes to cruise Boy’s Town.

CARRIE
THAT’S why he was so bitchy with me --

BERNIE
So he’s a fudge-packer.
(off her look)
You know, a bone smuggler.

CARRIE
BERNIE.

BERNIE
Simmer down. Go.
I’ve got everything under control.

Carrie sighs. Starts up the car.
Looks at him.

CARRIE
That’s what I’m afraid of --

INT. MARGO’S ESTATE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The roaring flames CRACKLE
over logs in the fireplace.

Homey. Cozy. Picture-perfect.
If it weren’t for the
dysfunctional domestic disaster now brewing.
ORDINARY PEOPLE, anyone?

Todd sit in a big wing chair
gripping a can of Diet Coke
as if his life depended on it.

TODD
But he was my FATHER.
You were only married
to him FIVE YEARS.
We’re BLOOD. FAMILY.

Sitting across from him
on the couch is EVA LOVE (40),
Carrie’s father’s second wife.

Blonde. Blue-eyed. Aryan. Curvy.
No-nonsense. A bit formal in a designer suit.

EVA
(hint of a German accent)
You have no right to talk to me
in that tone, young man.
As far as you’re concerned,
I’m family, TOO.
Your father loved me VERY MUCH.
I have EVERY RIGHT to be in on this.

Carrie stands over at the bar fixing a cocktail.
She pours scotch in a cut-glass tumbler.

Adds ice from a bucket with silver tongs.
Swirls the nectar. Takes a sip.

CARRIE
So why don’t you arrange
the ceremony together?
Can’t we all just get along?

TODD
We can’t do that because
Eva wants to have him CREMATED --

EVA
(nods, to Carrie)
It was his final wish.
He had just bought the yacht,
and he fell in love with the sea.
He wanted his ashes
scattered into the ocean.
And then a small memorial service --

TODD
But his WILL says
he wants a 'standard burial' --

EVA
He was changing the will, Todd.
You can check with his attorney --

Carrie walks toward them.
Stands in front of the fireplace.

CARRIE
What we’ve got here is
a failure to communicate --

TODD
State the obvious much?

NATE (O.C.)
Cool Hand Luke, right?

Nate stands in the doorway
holding a bottle of beer.

Smiles grimly at Carrie.
She gives him a wink.

TODD
What the hell?

EVA
Oh. I LOVE Paul Newman --

CARRIE
They showed that in Germany?

EVA
Oh, yes. We saw all his movies.
I saw Butch Cassidy a dozen times
as a young girl.
(sighs)
I would get lost in his blue eyes --

TODD
Enough movie talk, okay?
We’ve got to settle this, now.

CARRIE
Put a sock in it, Todd.
What’s the fucking rush?

TODD
Because I SAY SO --

CARRIE
And what gives YOU the right
to tell us what to do?

TODD
Because I’ve been living
the straight and narrow
while YOU’VE been living
the life of a SINNER --
drinking and driving,
corrupting a MINOR,
and who knows what else --

CARRIE
Well, at least I’m not
a self-righteous, judgemental,
born-again Christian FUCK
with a STICK UP HIS ASS.

Todd JUMPS UP.
Turns beet-red.
Clenches his fists.

TODD
WHAT did you say?

CARRIE
(sings)
'Jesus died for somebody’s sins,
but not mine' --

Todd ROARS with anger.
CHARGES at Carrie.

She steps to the side.
Puts out her foot. TRIPS him.

He CRASHES into the wall, THUMP.
WHIRLS around.

TODD
MOM --

MARGO (O.C.)
What’s going ON down there?

Margo appears on the stairway in her robe.
Small and frail.

MARGO
I heard shouting and banging.

TODD
It’s Carrie, Mom.
She ASSAULTED ME.

CARRIE
I assaulted YOU?
You CHARGED at me like
Bill O’Reilly on STEROIDS --
(beat)
I’m SORRY if I was
abusive to you when we were kids.
Dad was abusive to ME,
and I took it out on you.
But that was a LONG TIME AGO --
(beat)
And now he’s DEAD,
and you’re acting just like HE DID.
I can’t fucking TAKE IT --

She SCREAMS.
THROWS her drink into the fireplace -- CRASH.

She FALLS onto her knees and starts SOBBING.
The dam finally BURSTING.
Head in her hands.
Tears. Snot. The works.

Nate races over.
Comforts her.

Margo stares at Eva.
Closes her eyes.
Turns. Grips the handrail.
Shuffles back upstairs.

EVA
(to Todd)
If your father could see this,
he’d be ashamed.

PUSH IN ON Todd’s face.
Looking down.

The Gift That Keeps Killing

Hey there, crime kids. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 11 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love drives stripper Jonna James over to Jonna's joint along with homicide detective Bernie Keko to go interview Jonna's roommate Dina Daerr, wanted in connection with murder of Carrie's client -- Dina's father -- but when they get there, they have to deal with a mysterious intruder ...


EXT. SHITTY APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
One of those pre-war jobs common in Hollywood.
Up on stilts. Parking below.
But hey, it has a pool.

'The Starlet,' indeed.

Carrie’s Porsche convertible pulls up and parks.

INT. CARRIE’S PORSCHE - NIGHT
Carrie shuts off the engine.
Looks in the rearview.

JONNA
So how we gonna do this?

CARRIE
Very carefully.
(off her look)
I’m a new friend of yours.
If she knows who I really am,
she’ll clam up. Got it?

JONNA
Okay. Where did we meet?
We need a cover story, right?

CARRIE
We met at the Cheetah --
(meaningfully)
And we’re going to your place.

JONNA
Oh. OH.
(beat)
I can do that.
I’ve -- been with girls.

CARRIE
Don’t worry. It’s just a ruse.

Jonna stares at her appraisingly.
Faint smile.

JONNA
It doesn’t necessarily have to be.

A soft KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK on the window.
It’s BERNIE. Carrie nods.

Opens the door. Gets out.
Jonna piles out. Joins them.

CARRIE
The two of us will go up.
You stay here and back us up.

BERNIE
No way. I’m coming with you.

CARRIE
Bernie, if you come,
it’ll spook her.
(nods at Jonna)
We’re gonna pretend to be hooked up,
so she won’t suspect why I’m there.

BERNIE
(looks at Jonna, nods)
Good idea.
But I should be closer,
like right behind you.

CARRIE
You’re not gonna budge on this, are you?

BERNIE
Cops don’t have to budge.

JONNA
(looks at Bernie, then Carrie)
You two used to be together.

CARRIE
(off Bernie’s look)
She was a pysch major --

EXT. THE STARLET - SECOND FLOOR CORRIDOR - NIGHT
An open walkway with a row of apartment
doors on the wall.

Jonna leads Carrie down to the end.
Jiggles her keys in the door
to her apartment.

Bernie watches from a few feet away.

JONNA
The lock sticks.
Hold on a sec --

The door CLICKS open.
Jonna opens the door. Looks in.

JONNA
Holy SHIT.

CARRIE
What?

Carrie brushes her aside, walks into --

INT. JONNA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Small and cluttered,
and right now COMPLETELY TRASHED.

Tables overturned. Pictures RIPPED.
Furniture SLASHED OPEN.

Carrie pulls out her pistol.
Whispers over her shoulder to Jonna.

CARRIE
Go get Bernie.

Jonna nods. Hustles out.
Then a loud CRASH from down the hallway.
Carrie tiptoes toward it.

INT. JONNA’S APARTMENT - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Carrie moves quietly in the darkness.
Pointing her gun with both hands.

She reaches a doorway.
Light spilling out.

We hear the sound
of fabric being RIPPED.

She takes a deep breath,
then WHIRLS into the doorway --

INT. DINA’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Tiny. Cute and girly,
and now also completely TRASHED.

A LARGE, BEARDED GOON (30’s)
holds up the mattress,
which he’s right now
GUTTING with a HUGE KNIFE.

Carrie LEAPS into the doorway.
Gun aimed.

CARRIE
Drop the knife or I SHOOT.

Bearded turns his head.
Sees Carrie.

WHIRLS the mattress around
so it’s between them.

LARGE, BEARDED GOON
Fuck you, BITCH.

And he CHARGES at her.
SHOVING the mattress toward her.

Carrie KICKS it,
stopping Bearded in his tracks.

He ROARS like an animal.
FLINGS it to the side.

It hits the mirrored wall
with a CRASH.
Glass goes FLYING.

Bearded JUMPS at Carrie.
GRABS her around the throat
with big, meaty paws.

She PISTOL-WHIPS him
on the head.

But it’s like a
flea-bite on an elephant.
He squeezes HARDER.

Carrie’s face starts turning red.
With all her strength,
she POUNDS on his back,
but it’s no use.

A large BANG.
His head EXPLODES like a watermelon.
Blood, skull and brains go FLYING.

Carrie rolls out from under him.

BERNIE
Stands in the doorway.
Puts his giant 44 Magnum
back in his holster.
Smiles grimly.

BERNIE
Dum-dum hollow-points.
The gift that keeps killing.

Carrie grabs a towel hanging on a chair.
Wipes her face.

Shakes her head.
Stares at him with disgust.

CARRIE
Thanks for saving my life,
but now we can’t question him, can we?

BERNIE
You always have to nitpick --

The Family That Plays Together

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking FRIDAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 10 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love gets a call from her brother on her cell phone in the car -- seems that now their stepmother has invaded the home and now wants in on the funeral arrangements for their father -- and he asks her to come over and 'play Switzerland.' Carrie tells him she'll be there soon -- but first she has to make another stop -- and go visit the crime scene where her client has been viciously murdered.


INT. CARRIE’S PORSCHE - MOVING - NIGHT
Carrie sits behind the wheel, driving.
Jonna rides shotgun.

Carrie’s cell phone RINGS.
She answers it.

CARRIE
This is Carrie --
(listens)
Oh, SHIT. Really?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MARGO’S ESTATE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
A culinary orgy of chrome and steel.
A Sharper Image wet dream.

Nate leans against the ‘gourmet island’
eating a snack while on the phone.

NATE
Yeah. So mom is hiding upstairs
while Eva and Todd duke it out.
Could you come over and play Switzerland?

CARRIE
I’m sorry, Nate --
but my client was just murdered,
and I’m on my way to the crime scene --

NATE
Oh, wow. I’m sorry --

CARRIE
Yeah. So’s he. Tell you what.
I’ve got one last stop
to make after this one,
and then I’ll swing by, okay?

NATE
Okay, thanks.
(beat)
Sorry to bother you.

CARRIE
Hey. You’re my brother.
You NEVER bother me. Got it?

NATE
Got it.

CARRIE
I’ll see you later. Bye.

She CLICKS the phone shut. Sighs.

JONNA
Family problems?

CARRIE
That obvious?

JONNA
Wanna tell me about it?
Sometimes sharing with a complete stranger
can be oddly comforting.
(off Carrie’s look)
I was a pysch major in college.
I’m not a COMPLETE bimbo --

CARRIE
My father died today.
That was one of my younger brothers.
The other one is trying to
control the funeral arrangements,
and my father’s second wife
has just invaded my mother’s house
because SHE wants to take care of it.
(weak smile)
The family that plays together --

JONNA
Holy SHIT. Your FATHER died? Today?
(off Carrie’s nod)
Then why are you working?

The car stops at a light.
Carrie turns. Looks at Jonna.
A tear slides down her cheek.

CARRIE
It’s the only thing that’s keeping me
from having a complete meltdown.

EXT. DICK’S MANSION - FRONT PORCH - NIGHT
Carrie and Bernie stand near the front door
watching the parade of COPS
and CRIME SCENE TECHS going in and out.

BERNIE
You can go in after they’re done, Legs. Okay?
I shouldn’t even let you do THAT,
but he WAS your client.

Dick’s body is wheeled out on a gurney,
zipped up in a bag.

CARRIE
(watches it go by)
He gave me a retainer.
Is it ethical to cash the check?

BERNIE
Why not? He’s not gonna say anything --
(nods at her car)
Isn’t this a strange place to bring a date?

CARRIE
She’s a LEAD, Bernie. Dina’s roommate.
I was at the strip club interviewing her
when I got a voicemail message from Daerr,
said it was something urgent.
Then I got YOU on the line --

BERNIE
Right, right.

CARRIE
So tell me about the body --

BERNIE
His throat was cut.
No sign of forced entry,
looks like he knew the perp.
Killer’s left-handed.
Short, about five-two, five-three.
That’s all we’ll know until
forensics gets back to us.

Jonna appears on the porch.
Smiles weakly.

JONNA
I’m sorry to interrupt,
but is it okay if I use
the little girl’s room?
I gotta go.

BERNIE
Yeah, sure. Bathroom’s on the left.
Just don’t touch anything.

CARRIE
(to Jonna)
Hey. Is Dina left-handed?

JONNA
Yeah. Why?

CARRIE
How tall is she?

JONNA
About five-two.
What’s this about?

CARRIE
You know the story of Oedipus?

JONNA
No. Who’s that?

BERNIE
(to Carrie)
I’ll follow you guys in my car.

JONNA
What’s going on?

CARRIE
Hurry up and go pee.
I’ll fill you in on the way.

She nods. Races inside.
Bernie gives Carrie the fish-eye.

BERNIE
Hey. Are you okay?
You look like someone died.
(beat)
I mean -- a good guy.

CARRIE
My father, Bernie -- he --

BERNIE
Your FATHER DIED?

She stares at him. Haunted. Lost.

CARRIE
(softly)
Heart attack --

Bernie pulls a flask out of his pocket.
Hands it to her.

She takes it. Grateful.
Takes a long pull. Wipes her mouth.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
And here I am.

BERNIE
Once a cop, always a cop, huh?

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face. Haunted. Numb.

CARRIE
Blessing and a curse, Bernie.
(beat)
Blessing and a curse --

Daddy's Dead

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters! It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 9 of LEGS, things really heat up when private eye Carrie Love returns a voicemail from her client Dick Daerr, only to get her ex, homicide detective Bernie Keko on the line. The reason? Dick's been killed, so Carrie races over to the scene of the crime ...


INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - BAR - NIGHT
Carrie sits at the far end of the
back bar away from the madness.

Pulls out her cell phone.
Checks her messages.

CARRIE
He called already?
(pushes buttons, listens)
Dick, it’s Carrie Love.
We have to talk --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. DICK’S MANSION - STUDY - NIGHT
The porn shoot’s long gone.
But not Dick.

He’s at his desk with his throat cut.
Drenched in blood.

A swarm of CRIME SCENE TECHNICIANS
and COPS work the room.

And Bernie’s there.
Talking on Dick’s cell phone.

BERNIE
That makes two of us, Legs.

CARRIE
Bernie?
What are you doing
with Dick’s phone?

BERNIE
Not much.
Just standing here
looking at his dead body.

CARRIE
WHAT?

BERNIE
When I heard on the dispatch
that he was killed,
I raced right over.
He’s the guy
who hired you, right?

CARRIE
Uh, yeah --

BERNIE
I pulled his
daughter’s rap sheet,
but I didn’t find much.
But it’s too big
of a coincidence that
he gets killed
the same day he hires you.

CARRIE
No shit.
(beat)
I talked to her roommate.
She told me he was
blackmailing her
with sex tapes
of the two of them together --

BERNIE
Smells like a motive to me --

CARRIE
I dunno.
Why would he hire me
to find someone
he was trying to blackmail?
It doesn’t add up.
I’m gonna go check
out the apartment --
but first I’m coming over.

BERNIE
NO. I need you to stay
where you are
and check out the club --

CARRIE
No can do, Bernie.
My client was KILLED.
I wanna see the crime scene.
See you soon.

She SNAPS the phone shut.

BERNIE
Carrie, NO --
(listens)
Legs? You there?
(SNAPS the phone shut)
SHIT.

Jonna slides onto
the seat next to Carrie.

Now in her civvies.
Sprayed-on jeans and --
the gauzy baby doll.

JONNA
Ready to split, detective?

CARRIE
Yeah.
But we gotta make a stop first.

JONNA
Where?

CARRIE
Her father’s joint.

JONNA
(alarmed)
Why?

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face.
CRUNCHING an ice cube.

CARRIE
Daddy’s dead.

Temptation Be Thy Name

Hey there, crime kids. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In chapter 8 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love visits the strip club where her client's daughter Dina was working as a dancer before she disappeared. She interviews the owner, Cor Chirac, a nasty French-Canadian, who's no help. But then she meets stripper Johnna James, who gives her the REAL scoop about what happened to Dina ...

EXT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - NIGHT
Not quite the witching hour on the Sunset Strip.
But still plenty of pneumatic young things
strutting their stuff on the Boulevard of Broken Necks.

Glitzy storefront with a neon sign beckons invitingly.
A bored-looking BOUNCER sits on a stool
watching the flesh parade.

An off-duty STRIPPER comes outside.
Lights a smoke.

CARRIE (V.O.)
The ‘Gentleman’s club’
is an interesting phenomenon.

INT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - NIGHT
Dark and plush. Tons of lights, mirrors.
All chrome and black leather.

A handful of PATRONS watch a busty gal
do her thing on the pole to some hair metal ballad.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Men will pay hard-earned cash
to go to a place where
they can see naked women.
Where they can look, but not touch.
It’s the ultimate tease.
A gentle torture.
Erotic pleasure -- with no release.
No climax. No -- closure.
(beat)
Kinda like going to a restaurant
and not being able to eat.
Or going to a whorehouse
and not being able to --
(beat)
Never mind. You get the idea.

AT THE BAR
Sits Carrie, talking with the owner,
(50’s), the very definition of ‘oily.’

OWNER
Why should I tell you anything?
You smell like COP --

Meet COR CIRAC, French Canadian ex-pat.
Short, skinny. Salt and pepper stubble.

Rat-like beady eyes glistening in the dark.
Receding hairline combed over and Donald Trumped.

CARRIE
I told you. I’m a private investigator.
Her father hired me to find her.
Call him if you don’t believe me.

COR
Maybe she doesn’t want to be found.
Ever thought of that?

CARRIE
And maybe something BAD happened to her.
Her father’s worried sick --

Cor picks up his glass.

COR
I don’t know where she went.
She just no longer come here.
(slides off his stool)
Now, if you’ll excuse me,
I have business to take care of --

He walks away toward the back office.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Did I hear you say
you were looking for Dina?

Carrie, turns --

Sees a GORGEOUS STRIPPER (29)
seated on the other side of her.

Meet JONNA JAMES. Six-feet of ripe,
curved flesh barely poured into a gauzy babydoll.
Temptation be thy name.

CARRIE
Yeah. Do you know where she went?

JONNA
I might --

CARRIE
Buy you a drink?

JONNA
I don’t drink.

CARRIE
Club soda?

JONNA
Nah. Carbonation makes my tummy stick out.
(beat)
Who’s asking?

CARRIE
(gives her a card)
Carrie Love, PI.

JONNA
(reads it, looks her over)
You ever -- dance?

CARRIE
Sure.
(beat)
Just not in public --

JONNA
Who’s looking for her?

CARRIE
Her father.

JONNA
That’s what I was afraid of.

CARRIE
I don’t understand --

JONNA
That’s WHO she’s hiding from.

CARRIE
But why?

JONNA
Not here. Come with me. Outside.

EXT. THE CHEETAH LOUNGE - BACK ALLEY - NIGHT
Jonna and Carrie sit on the back stoop.
Jonna lights a cigarette.
Takes a big hit. Looks at Carrie.

JONNA
You sure you wanna hear this?
It’s not pretty.

CARRIE
Seen it all, babe.
Used to be a cop.

JONNA
(searches Carrie’s face)
You seem cool --
(beat)
Okay.
(sighs)
Her father has sex tapes
of the two of them,
and he’s threatening to post them online
if she doesn’t come back home.

CARRIE
But if he has sex tapes,
why is she hiding?

JONNA
Uh -- she got tired of
being raped by him?

CARRIE
Holy SHIT.
(mutters to herself)
Figures. My first client -- asshole.
(to Jonna)
Do you know where she is?

JONNA
Are you kidding?
You’re working for who
she’s hiding from.

CARRIE
Not anymore I’m not.
Fucking pervert --
(beat)
God-DAMMIT. My retainer --

JONNA
He already gave you money?

CARRIE
Yeah.
(beat)
FUCK --

JONNA
Fuck ‘em. Keep it.
Maybe Dina will hire you to stop HIM.

CARRIE
Not a bad idea --
(beat)
So where is she?

JONNA
At home. She’s my roommate.

CARRIE
The plot thickens --

JONNA
Tell you what.
I did the early shift
and get off soon.
Why don’t you wait at the bar,
and we’ll go there together.
Sound like a plan?

CARRIE
Sure.
(beat)
How do you know you can trust me?

PUSH IN ON Jonna’s face.
Narrows her eyes.

JONNA
Gut feeling.
(beat)
And you have nice eyes.

When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Codependent

Happy Tuesday, crime-busters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling ...

In Chapter 7 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love needs to get the arrest record of her new client's missing daughter, so she goes and visits her ex-husband and ex-partner Bernie Keko, at police headquarters ...


EXT. SANTA MONICA POLICE HEADQUARTERS - DUSK
A run-down, faded joint built in the 70’s
right next to City Hall.

Bucolic grounds, sprinkled with
just the right amount of homeless people.
COPS leave and enter the building.

Carrie’s car pulls into a space in front.
She gets out. Marches toward the entrance.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It was strange being back,
but I needed to get
Dina Daerr’s police record.
And there was one person on the force
I could still go to for help --
(beat)
My ex-husband.
And ex-partner -- Bernie.
(beat)
That’s right.
When the going get tough,
the tough get codependent.

INT. DETECTIVE’S SQUAD ROOM - DUSK
A small, cramped, cluttered office
brought you by the color puke.

A warren of old desks litter the joint.
Seated at one is a BIG COP (40’S).
Right now he’s talking on the phone.

BIG COP
Bullshit, Harry. You can’t let him WALK.
There was enough DNA at the crime scene
to make Marg Helgenberger wet her pants --

Meet homicide detective BERNIE KEKO (40s).
Armenian, good-looking on a budget.
Formerly buff, now a bit gone to seed.

Carrie walks in.
RAP-RAP-RAPS on the door sill.

Bernie TURNS, looks.
Sees her. Face goes white.

BERNIE
(into the phone)
Gotta go.
The succubus just walked in.
Call you later --
(listens, eyes her)
That’s right.
If you don’t hear back from me,
notify my next of kin.

He SLAMS down the phone.
Stares at Carrie. Disbelieving.

BERNIE
Legs. What the fuck
are YOU doing here?

CARRIE
Nice to see you too, Bernie.

BERNIE
You got a lotta nerve,
I’ll give you that.

CARRIE
There once was a time
you loved 'a lot of nerve.'

BERNIE
And there once was a time
when you still FUCKED GUYS.

CARRIE
The Big Bang, I believe?

BERNIE
You realize the chance
you’re taking, showing up here?
If the chief sees you,
he’s gonna blow his stack.

CARRIE
Better that than his load --

BERNIE
You didn’t come here
to do the Tracy-Hepburn dance with me.
Enough witty repartee.
Out with it.

CARRIE
I need you to get me
someone’s arrest record.

BERNIE
Oh? And just why would I
do that for a civilian?

CARRIE
I’m now a licensed private investigator,
working a case.

BERNIE
Look out, Sam Spade --
(beat)
No, wait.
More like Sue Grafton.
'B Is For Bitch.'

CARRIE
'C Is For Carpet Muncher' --

Bernie stares. Incredulous.
Then EXPLODES with laughter.

CARRIE
One way or another,
I’m gonna getcha, getcha, getcha --

BERNIE
Gimme the name,
and I’ll see what I can do.
Just get the fuck outta here
before the chief sees you, okay?

CARRIE
Dina Daerr. Twenty years old.
Lives in the Hollywood Hills on Queens Road.
Ran away from Daddy, Dick Daerr.
(smiles)
Thanks, Bernie. I owe you one.

BERNIE
You owe me a hundred. Go. Now.
I’ll call you when I have something.
Then you can buy me a beer
and tell me the secrets
of the saphic arts.

CARRIE
'The saphic arts?'
Color me impressed.

Pause.

BERNIE
You’re looking good.
Still rollerblading?

CARRIE
Every day --
(beat)
You still pass out on the couch
watching old movies?

BERNIE
Every night.
(beat)
I’ll call you when
I get her record, okay?

CARRIE
Thanks, Bernie.

BERNIE
Legs. Go. Scoot. If the chief --

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face.
Wistful.

CARRIE
Yeah. See ya --

Be It Ever So Humble, There's No Place Like Denial

Happy fucking Monday, crime slicksters! It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In chapter 6 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love, after learning about the shocking sudden death of her father, has to go into the belly of the beast ... and visit her fucked-up family ...


EXT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - DAY
A giant monstrosity like something
out of the Addams family on an
acre of land off Sunset Boulevard.

A long driveway behind a gated entrance.
Nice house, too many people home.

Carrie’s car pulls up to the gate.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Be it ever so humble,
there’s no place like denial.

She leans over.
Presses a button on the speaker box.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
It’s Carrie. I’m here --

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
It’s about time --

The gate swings open.
She sighs. Drives in.

CARRIE (V.O.)
You can chose your friends --
but you can’t choose your assholes.

INT. MARGO’S ESTATE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Margo sits on the couch with a fresh cocktail.
Eyes burning with fire.
She looks at Carrie in the doorway.

MARGO
Carrie. There you are.
Go fix yourself a drink if you want one --

Standing next to her is Carrie’s brother TODD, (27),
tall, thin. Receding hairline. Red-faced.

A vein on his temple throbs violently.
Lip curled in smug self-satisfaction.

CARRIE (V.O.)
That’s my brother Todd on the left.
A self-righteous born-again Christian
who tried to work for my father’s brokerage house
but got the boot because he’s a goldbrick.
He’s now a wedding videographer. Banal much?

Carrie goes to bar.
Starts fixing a cocktail.

TODD
You sure that’s a good idea?

CARRIE
Nice to see you too, Todd.
(low, to herself)
You get that hairbrush
out of your ass yet?

TODD
WHAT did you say?

MARGO
Children, ENOUGH.
We’re supposed to be grieving.
I’m not gonna put up with that shit,
you HEAR ME?

NATE (18), walks in the room
carrying a tray of snacks.

A smaller, thinner, calmer version of Todd.
The peacemaker. Trendy in an Arcade Fire t-shirt.
'The Suburbs,' indeed.

CARRIE (V.O.)
And that’s my other brother, Nate.
He was the ‘save the marriage’ baby.
Didn’t work, of course. Never does.
Sweet kid, though.
Thank god he’s not a defensive prick, too --

NATE
Ramona made us some crudite --
(sees Carrie)
Hey, sis.

CARRIE
(forces a smile)
Hey, Nate.

Nate smiles hopefully.
Walks over to Carrie.

Offers her the tray.
She takes a snack. Sips her drink.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
How you holding up?

NATE
I guess I’m in shock.
I don’t feel anything.

CARRIE
Don’t feel bad.
Runs in the family.

NATE
At least I’m not having
an existential crisis --

CARRIE
Mom told me you got into Harvard.
Early admission --

NATE
Yeah.
(beat)
Gonna be hard to leave the nest --

He brings the tray over to Margo.
She inspects it. Takes one.
Puts it on a napkin. Stares at it.

MARGO
He wants to be a doctor.
I told him he should be a lawyer.
That’s where the real bucks are.

NATE
I want to help people, mom.
Not screw them over.

CARRIE
What’s the difference between
a barracuda and an attorney?

NATE
What?

CARRIE
One’s a bottom-feeding scum-sucker --
and the other’s a fish.

Nate smiles.

MARGO
That’s not funny.
Johnny Carson, now HE was funny.
(raises glass in a toast)
Heeere’s JOHNNY --

Todd eyes them. Picks up a file folder.
Thumbs through it. Clears his throat.

TODD
I went online and did a search
of all the best funeral homes in Beverly Hills.
I thought we could get the ball rolling
and pick something suitable --

Carrie picks up her drink.
Walks over to Todd.

CARRIE
Dad didn’t go for that fancy shit, you know that.
He’d want something low-key and discrete.

TODD
But I just thought --

CARRIE
Who put YOU in charge?
Last time I looked,
I was the oldest child --

TODD
(gets in her face)
Well, you sure as hell don’t ACT like it --

CARRIE
(gets in his)
What the fuck is THAT supposed to mean?

TODD
I didn’t get fired from my job in DISGRACE
and almost thrown in JAIL.

CARRIE
(POKES him in the chest)
At least my own FATHER didn’t
FIRE me for being LAZY.
How fucking lame IS THAT?

TODD
(WHACKS her hand away)
Don’t you DARE fucking touch me --

MARGO
Children. ENOUGH. The two of you. Honestly.
Can’t you at least PRETEND to get along?

TODD
She started it --

Carrie drains her drink. L
ooks at them coolly.

CARRIE
You know what? On second thought,
you go ahead and handle the funeral stuff, Todd.
You were always good at that anal retentive shit.
Go head, have a ball.
Work those sphincter muscles.
I’m sure you’ll choose the casket
that 'everybody has to have' this season --

She walks over to Margo.
Staring in disbelief.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
You know I love you, mom,
but if I have to inhale these noxious
fumes another minute,
I’m gonna punch his fucking lights out --
(beat)
I just got a new case,
and I need to focus on someone
who needs my help,
instead playing the Family Fight Club --

MARGO
Who needs your help?

CARRIE
A young girl is missing.
Her father hired me to find her.

MARGO
Oh, dear --

NATE
How old is she?

CARRIE
About your age --

TODD
Well, that’s perfect.
You can mix business with pleasure again.

Carrie nods. Heads for the door.
Stops. Turns. Looks at Todd.

CARRIE
Thanks for proving my point, little brother.
Weddings, funerals -- it’s a full life, huh?
(to the rest)
Now, if you’ll excuse me,
I’m going to return to the real world.
Because believe it or not,
SOME people want my help --

The Dysfunctional Family Picnic

Happy Friday, crime slicksters! It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love is on her way home after meeting with her first client, when she gets a phone call from her mother about a death in the family, so Carrie must now race over there ... which is NOT a 'good time' ...


EXT./INT. - CARRIE’S PORSCHE - MOVING - DAY
Carrie drives on the ten freeway
heading back to the beach.

CARRIE (V.O.)
My first case.
I was more excited than
Dick Cheney at an NRA rally.
Piece of cake.
My first task was to
head over to the strip club
and sniff around.
(beat)
Think I’m gonna
get used to this --

Her cell phone RINGS.
She turns down the music.
Answers it.

CARRIE
This is Carrie --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - STUDY - DAY
An ANGRY-LOOKING WOMAN (60’s)
paces back and forth in front a roaring fire.

Pert, classic WASP good looks,
very Ralph Lauren.
She clutches a scotch on the rocks.

Meet MARGO LOVE, Carrie’s mother.
Right now she’s three sheets to the wind.
Beyond numb.

MARGO
Carrie, it’s your mother --

CARRIE
Hey, mom. What’s up?

MARGO
Are you sitting down?

CARRIE
Yeah. I’m in the car.
What’s up? You don’t sound good.
I mean, for you --

MARGO
It’s your father --

CARRIE
What. Is he late
with your check again?

MARGO
He’s dead.

CARRIE
WHAT?

She SWERVES the wheel.
The car goes onto the shoulder.

Carrie YANKS the wheel
back onto the freeway.
In shock.

CARRIE
How? What?
What -- what happened?

MARGO
Rat bastard had a heart attack.
Can you come over?
Todd and Nate are on their way.

CARRIE
I’ll be right there.

MARGO
No need to rush.
We’re not going anywhere.

CARRIE
By, mom. I’ll see you soon.
(beat)
I love you --

MARGO
I know, I know.
Just get your butt over here.

Margo hangs up.
Carrie CLICKS the phone shut.

STOMPS on the gas.
Stares out the windshield in disbelief.

CARRIE (V.O.)
My head was spinning.
My father was DEAD.
We’d always had a
stormy relationship.
He didn’t approve of
my becoming a cop,
and then divorcing my husband
and shacking up with a
B-movie actress
hadn’t gone over too well, either --
(beat)
We’d recently patched
things up between us --
he was starting to mellow with age --
but things turned icy again
after my recent
run-in with the law.
Talk about unfinished business.
And now, whether I liked it or not,
I had to attend
the dysfunctional family picnic.
(beat)
Without packing a basket --