I Love A Man In A Uniform

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of HIT & RUN HOLIDAY, mercenary Bland Loosener sneaks into Israeli mob boss Zvi Ben-Arut's beachfront condo and gives him a deadly surprise in the bedroom. Meanwhile fugitive screenwriter Friday Foster's illegal exploits have 'gone viral' on the web, making her famous overnight ...


EXT. MARINA DEL REY - OCEAN SHORELINE - NIGHT
Over the following sequence, the roiling,
marshal-stomp of The Gang of Four’s
I LOVE A MAN IN A UNIFORM.

Moonlight. A LONE SURFER
rides a CRASHING WAVE to shore.

We see it’s BLAND.
Hang ten, dude.

Rides the wave all the way in.
HOPS off the board.
Starts walking.

EXT. BEACH CONDO - REAR ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER
Bland unscrews the faceplate to the
SECURITY KEY CODE BOX.

SNIPS a wire.
Takes out a lock-pick.
Works it in the keyhole.

CLICK.
He pushes the door open.

IN THE ELEVATOR
riding up, Bland whistles along.
Taps his toe.

AT ZVI’S FRONT DOOR
he pulls out a credit card.
A long, thin screwdriver.

Works the door.
It opens, click.

IN THE CORRIDOR
Bland tip-toes past expensive art.
Sculptures. A MIRROR.

He stops. Looks at himself.
Gives a ‘thumbs up.’ Winks.

AT A DOORWAY
he stops. Listens.

We hear LOVEMAKING coming from within.
Bland carefully, slowly,
leans around the doorway, sees --

ZVI lying in bed on top of Nymphet.
Making love.

She looks at the ceiling.
Counting the dots in the tiles.

He CLIMAXES.
A short, abrupt YELP of pleasure.

The bon vivant climbs off.
Sighs. Pads over to the bathroom.

BLAND
rushes in, a BLUR OF SPEED.
LEAPS in the air.

LANDS on the girl.
CLAMPS a meaty hand on her mouth.
Pulls out a knife.

BLAND
Scream and your face
is a Jack O'lantern.

He SLAPS duct tape on her mouth.
Smiles. Holds the knife up.
A warning. Turns. Creeps over to --

THE BATHROOM
where Zvi is taking a luxurious leak.
Humming.

BLAND WHIPS a STEEL CORD
around Zvi’s neck and GARROTS HIM.
Zvi’s body hits the tiles, THWUNK.

IN THE BEDROOM
Bland approaches the girl.
Eyes full of wonder.

Strips off his shirt.
Frightening tattoos of serpents and dragons.

He climbs on top of the trembling naif.
Peels off the tape.

BLAND
(soft, seductive)
May I have the next dance?

He leans down.
Starts to kiss her.

She opens her mouth.
BITES his tongue.

BLAND
OW.

He GRABS her head. SPINS it. HARD.
Her neck CRACKS. Lights out.
Bland looks at her sadly.

BLAND
I hate when that happens --

INT. CHILD’S BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
A pretty LITTLE GIRL (10)
surfs the net on her pink I-Mac.

Sappy Hannah Montana-like music
in the background.

ON THE SCREEN
We see she’s on Facebook
Watching a video on YouTube.

Titles under the video window
read BONUS POINTS.
Views: 1,213,503.

The video starts --
on a familiar scene --

Friday WHIPS OUT her gun.
Points it at the waitress.
A woman SCREAMS.

FRIDAY
So, I’m gonna ask you to smile for me.
Pretty please? With sugar on top?
A big, bright pageant smile?

The waitress DROPS her tray.
CLANG. Frozen, weird smile.

Friday places the gun
against the waitress’s temple.

FRIDAY
Bonus points if you pee your pants.

A TINY FINGER
presses ‘Like.’