G.I. Jerk-Off

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 20 of HIT & RUN HOLIDAY, the plot thickens at Club Fuck, where suspended homicide dick Carrie Love finally finds who she thinks is fugitive screenwriter Friday Foster, but isn't sure, due to her perverted disguise. Meanwhile, mercenary-for-hire Bland Loosener starts closing in on Friday ...


INT. CLUB FUCK - DANCE FLOOR - MOMENTS LATER
The catchy-taunting, industrial-electro sounds of
DJ Irene Rockstar’s remix of Book of Love’s BOY over --

THE CHICK-CLUSTER
shaking it with abandon.

Melting into the swirling crowd.
Dark flowers undulating in
a guitar forest of drum and bass.

ON THE SIDELINES
Carrie and Kelly watch the action.

KELLY
Let’s go get a cocktail.

CARRIE
No. We’re here to work.

KELLY
I’ll drink it from a bowl --

CARRIE
(SNAPS his leash)
Down boy.
Keep up with the wisecracks
and I’ll get you a choke chain.
(scans the crowd)
Everyone’s wearing some kinda costume --
(sees something)
Shit. There she is.
At least, I think that’s her.

FRIDAY
raises ecstatic hands in the air.
Pumping fists to the music.

CARRIE
pulls on Kelly’s leash.

CARRIE
Come. Walkies --

KELLY
Woof.

ON THE DANCE FLOOR
Carrie and Kelly start dancing
near Friday and her posse.

KELLY
You sure it’s her?

CARRIE
I think so -- it’s hard to tell
with the perverted superhero look.

Carrie fake-accidentally
rubs up against Friday.

CARRIE
Sorry -- Friday?

Friday whips around.
Looks at Carrie. Evil smile.

FRIDAY
Friday? It’s Saturday.
What are you on?
And do you have any extra?

CARRIE
I’m sorry, you look like an old friend,
her name is -- Friday.

FRIDAY
I’m her stunt double, darling.
I do all the dangerous drugs.

She WHIRLS AROUND,
and disappears into the crowd.

AT THE BACK BAR
Bland nurses a near-beer.
Chats up a BLACK DYKE DOM.

Real menacing.
If it weren’t for the
Mr. Magoo designer specs.

BLAND
So are you male or female?

BLACK DYKE DOM
You gotta be fucking kidding me.

BLAND
(hears her voice)
I’m sorry -- ma’am.
I just met someone who --
she was a -- I mean, he was --

BLACK DYKE DOM
It’s your first time, isn’t it?

Bland pulls out the photo.

BLAND
And probably my last.
I am looking for an old friend,
she’s in trouble --
(shows it to her)
Have you seen her?

BLACK DYKE DOM
That’s my girl on the six-o’clock news.
Mistress Bella Donna.
Knew she was bad, but not THAT bad --

BLAND
She come here often?

BLACK DYKE DOM
Hell, yeah. Not for awhile,
but she used to come every week.
She’s a major player.
(raises her glass)
Really happy to have her back.

BLAND
She’s here? Tonight?

BLACK DYKE DOM
(nods her head)
There she is. Over there --

FRIDAY
pulls Dolly through
a black door in the back.

BLAND
jumps off his stool.
As he does, his coat FLASHES OPEN.
Revealing his shoulder-holster.

BLAND
Thank you. Excuse me.

BLACK DYKE DOM
You can’t go in there yet,
it’s not --

But he’s off.
Dashes toward the door. Now closed.
Two BURLY PIERCED BOUNCERS stand guard.

DYKE
leans in toward the bartender.

BLACK DYKE DOM
GI jerk-off’s gotta piece.
Tell security.

CARRIE
leads Kelly into the room.

CARRIE
Goddamit. Where is she?
She was just here.

AT THE BACK DOOR
Bland pleads with the bouncers.

BLAND
It’s my sister,
I need to talk to her,
it’s a family emergency --

PIERCED BOUNCER
I’m sorry, invited guests only.

The other bouncer touches his ear.
Listens.

TRIBAL BOUNCER
Sir. I’m going to have to ask you
to open your jacket --

With lightning-speed,
Bland GRABS each bouncer by the head --
and BANGS them together, CRACK.
They look at him. Blink.

PIERCED BOUNCER
Ow. That kinda hurt.

TRIBAL BOUNCER
That wasn’t very nice.

The brutes GRAB Bland by the arms.
Take him away.

Carrie and Kelly
quickly slip through the door --