Luc Besson, Eat Your Heart Out

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 19 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love and homicide dick Bernie Keko fall into the clutches of demented German snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer in his Hollywood Hills mansion ...


INT. KLAUS' LIVING ROOM - DUSK
Klaus and Keko sit across
from each other sipping wine.

KLAUS
Laura Lang, yes,
I used her in a music video.
The Genitorturers, I think.
(thinks)
No. It was Die Cheerleader.
"Splatter."
(chuckles)
That was a good one.

KEKO
Can you remember
when you last saw her?

KLAUS
Last I heard she went back to London.
She had a little problem
getting off the horsie.

Keko is puzzled.
Klaus pantomimes shooting a syringe.

Felina arrives with Carrie.
Arms around her prize.

FELINA
Klaus, darling, look what I found.
(licks Carrie’s neck)
Mmmm, kibbles and bits,
kibbles and bits.

KEKO
Carrie, what the fuck is going on?

CARRIE
Bernie -- I, ah --

KLAUS
It would appear that she's
stumbled into the arms
of one the villains.

Felina cackles.
Keko reaches for his gun.

SAMMS (O.C.)
OFFICER! Put your HANDS IN THE AIR!
You're UNDER ARREST!

SAMMS
brandishes a pair of Uzis.
Jorel, a steadicam.

SAMMS
C'mon, motherfucker.
Gimmee a reason.

Keko raises his hands.

KEKO
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
What is this, Halloween?

FELINA
(SNAPS handcuffs on Carrie)
I've got the broad.

CARRIE
Hey!

KLAUS
Gentlemen, I'm so glad
you could join us.
(beat)
I always get so excited
on the first day
of principal photography.

KEKO
We know all about your
little home movies, Speer.
Back up is on the way.
You’ll never get away with this.

KLAUS
Mr. Samms, show him what
the director thinks of TALENT.

Samms FIRES a round
into Keko's thigh, BANG.

Keko falls to the floor.
YELPS in pain.
Presses his hands on the wound.

KEKO
You fucking SHOT me!

KLAUS
Get his weapon.
And the one in his boot.

Samms takes the guns.
Jorel comes in for a tight shot.

KLAUS
(to Felina)
And how is your sex object?

Felina reaches in Carrie's jacket.
Grabs her Glock.

FELINA
Disarmed.
(beat)
And completely disarming.

INT. PRODUCTION STUDIO - NIGHT
A surprisingly good castle dungeon set. Dry ice billows.
Moonlight shines through a barred window.


Keko is tied to a giant
wooden crucifix on a platform.
Tourniquet around his thigh.
Out cold.

Klaus adjusts the camera lens.

KLAUS
Luc Besson, eat your heart out.

Felina ties Carrie's wrists to a chair.

CARRIE
Some date you turned out to be.

FELINA
(under her breath)
Listen carefully, Carrie.
The dominatrix bit is a cover.
I'm an agent with CO-2,
a clandestine Interpol black ops unit.
We've been after this freak for years,
and now I've almost got him --
but I need your help.
(meaningfully)
Comprende?

Carrie’s stunned.
Turns her head. Huh?

FELINA
(whispered)
Don't get me wrong.
I still want to
fuck your brains out.

CARRIE
But --

FELINA
Shhh.
Time for my kittie cat
to be strong.

Carrie’s mind reels.
Eyes well up.
Her lip trembles.

Felina crouches.
Ties rope around her ankles.

FELINA
Just do exactly as I say,
and we’ll get out of this alive. Okay?