Bloody Veg-O-Matic

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In chapter 13 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love and undercover cop Megan Paul go meet with Carrie's client Michael Samms, unaware that he's part of demented German snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer's crew, and make a grisly discovery ...


EXT./INT. FREEWAY - CARRIE’S CAR - NIGHT
A swingin’ techno remix of a jazz standard propels --
Carrie and Megan, flying up the 405
in the silver Porsche.

The seats littered with fast food containers.

MEGAN
(eating french fries)
You're not even a little nervous?
What if he’s the killer?

CARRIE
(holds up her burger)
Ever see a Bengal tiger play with an animal
he's wounded right before she eats it?

She shoves it in her mouth.
GROWLS.

Megan does a take.
Looks in her food bag.

MEGAN
Good thing we got extra napkins.

INT. SAMMS' LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The stereo plays Wagner at a deafening volume.

Samms sits on the couch.
Piggy eyes glued to the screen.

AT THE FRONT DOOR
the music thunders from within.
Carrie rings the bell.

MEGAN
It’s nine-o-clock.

CARRIE
What’s up with the opera?
Where’s Paulie Walnuts?

IN THE LIVING ROOM
Samms, in a daze. Licks his lips.
Sips his wine.

AT THE FRONT DOOR
Carrie pushes it again.

CARRIE
He can't hear it with that
fucking Brunhilda shit going on.

IN THE LIVING ROOM
fat fingers work the remote.

ON TV
blood splatters the Wheel of Misfortune.

THE FRONT DOOR
swings open. The girls tip-toe in.

IN THE LIVING ROOM
Samms is oblivious. Engrossed.
Carrie creeps up behind him.

CARRIE
MICHAEL.

SAMMS
Fuck!

He JUMPS. Sees the women.
PUNCHES off the TV. The music.

CARRIE
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you,
barge in on you like that,
but your music was so loud --

MEGAN
And your door was open. Sorry.

SAMMS
That's okay.
(beat)
Man, you scared the shit out of me.

MEGAN
That looked like a pretty nasty
horror movie you were watching.

SAMMS
Yeah, it’s pretty -- nasty.
(beat)
Please, have a seat,
make yourselves at home.
I've gotta make a quick phone call,
and I'll be right back.
Can I get you a beer or something?

MEGAN
I'm fine, thank you.

CARRIE
I'd kill for a beer.

Megan shoots her a look.

SAMMS
Comin’ right up.

He leaves.
Carrie turns on the VCR.

CARRIE
(whispers)
Holy shit.

MEGAN
Hey, isn't he the guy we saw at the --

Carrie grabs Megan’s arm. Shushes her.
Motions to stay there.
Creeps toward the kitchen.

AT THE DOOR
Carrie listens to Samms on the phone.

SAMMS (O.C.)
She brought Daisy Do-Right.
(beat)
Yeah, they’re in my living room right now.
I told you she knew something.

She darts over to Megan.
Pulls her toward the front door.

CARRIE
(loud whisper)
We gotta get the fuck outta here.

IN SAMMS' BEDROOM
he sticks the handgun in his waistband.
Buttons his jacket.

EXT. DRIVEWAY - CONTINUOUS
Tires SCREECH.
The Porsche ROARS down the driveway.

Turns onto the street.
Peels rubber. Backfires -- BANG.

IN SAMMS' BEDROOM
he hears the car.
Bolts for the door.

SAMMS
Goddammit!

INT. CARRIE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS

MEGAN
What's going on?
What happened?
What did you hear?

CARRIE
That was no
Nightmare on Elm Street, Meg.
That was real.

MEGAN
That was real?
How could you --

CARRIE
I'll tell you how.
The human smoothee
in the bloody veg-o-matic --
(beat)
Was my client's wife.

INT. KLAUS' LAND ROVER - NIGHT
Klaus drives in the Hollywood Hills.
Barks into his cell.

KLAUS
You fucking idiot!
You left the room to call me?
Didn't you realize a P.I.
and a cop are going to snoop around?
(beat)
I don't pay you to think, fuck-head.
Now we have to shoot right away.
You’ve messed it all up, you prick.
Now I have to shoot on fucking DV.
I wanted to shoot this on 35 millimeter.
My customers pay for production value.
(beat)
Jorel's on his way.
You have the cop's address at the beach?
(beat)
Funny you should ask.
I'm thinking reality show.
(beat)
What do you think of --
'World’s Wildest Executions?'