I Love The Smell Of Estrogen In The Morning

Greetings, crime kids. I bet you wondered where I went. Well, my hard drive started dying, so I had to get it replaced. Took FIVE DAYS. But the good news is my computer is as good as new, and now I can once again continue to provide you the best in hardboiled, pulp-noir entertainment. So -- it's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 18 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love and homicide dick Bernie Keko sniff around demented German snuff filmmaker Klaus Speer's Hollywood Hills estate, looking for clues ...


INT. KLAUS' MANSION - LIVING ROOM - DUSK

KEKO
I wonder what the mortgage
is on this place.

Carrie stares at a Helmut Newton --
an Amazon astride a naked model
on all fours wearing a saddle.

CARRIE
Now that’s what I call
'riding Western.'

KEKO
I prefer riding bareback.
(loud whisper)
There's a camera on us.
Keep smiling.

CARRIE
(quietly)
Where is it?
(loud)
I never knew putting your
feet in the stirrups
could look like so much fun.

KEKO
(whisper)
Above the doorway.
(loud)
She must be really
feeling her oats.

CARRIE
(loud)
I forgot how funny you were.
(whisper)
I'm gonna go powder my nose.
I'll be back in five.

ON A VIDEO MONITOR
in black and white.
Carrie slowly moves through the foyer.

EXT. KLAUS' GARAGE - CONTINUOUS
Felina's boots tap-tap-tap
down the spiral staircase.

Black vinyl glistens
in the moonlight.

INT. KLAUS' LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Klaus delivers the wine on a tray.
Elegantly demented.

KLAUS
I thought perhaps you
might change your mind.
It is, after all,
the cocktail hour.

He looks around,
sees Carrie's gone.

KEKO
(bad fake laugh)
She had to use the ladies’ room.
Takes forever. You know women.

KLAUS
(weird smile)
All too well.
She’s probably fascinated
with the bidet.

KEKO
(takes glass of wine)
What the fuck.
I'm almost off duty.

IN THE FOYER
Carrie walks into a darkened doorway.

INT. EXERCISE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
She gropes around in the dim light,
bumps into a Stairmaster.
A sultry voice purrs nearby.

VOICE (O.C.)
Hey there, sexy --
feel like a little cardio?

CARRIE
(jumps, startled)
FUCK.

The lights SNAP ON.
It's Felina.

FELINA
Did my little kittie
get lost on her way back
from the litter box?

CARRIE
Jesus Christ, you
scared the shit out of me.

Pause.

FELINA
Feels good, doesn't it.

EXT. POOL - PATIO - AT THAT MOMENT
Samms and Jorel march on the flagstones
in military fatigues. Faces blackened.
Armed to the gills.

SAMMS
I love the smell
of estrogen in the morning.
Smells like victory.

JOREL
Stop it, you're making me homesick.
My father loves Bobby Duvall.

INT. EXERCISE ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Felina strokes Carrie's cheek.
Inflamed. Transfixed.

FELINA
I've missed you.
You haven't called me.
(beat)
The milk went sour.

She kisses Carrie deeply.
Pulls away. Surveys the damage.

CARRIE
(heart pounding)
I've been -- working.

FELINA
(takes her hand)
Well, you know what they say.

She softly kisses it.
Carrie trembles.

CARRIE
Wh-what do they say?

FELINA
All work and no play
makes Jill a very horny girl --