Making Whoopee

Happy Tuesday, crime kids! Time to take another trip to the dark side, where your most violent, hardboiled fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 16 of FULL BODY, we return once again to The International, DC's most exclusive 'gentleman's spa,' where French-African gazelle Ayanna continues her session with the Surgeon General, who brings her a surprise -- Portugeuse beauty Catalina. Meanwhile, security guard Rod Katz, having been busted by undercover Federal agent Reynolds Tan, hatches an evil plan for Reynolds. We then return to Aussie spinner Lindsay Lette and Navy Seal Gus Harden, who reach a most unusual climax ...


INT. RED MASSAGE SUITE - AT THAT MOMENT
The French-Brazilian bossa-novelle of
Pink Martini’s NO HAY PROBLEMA over --

Ayanna. Doing a little dance.
Sipping champagne.

Chick does a strange shuffle.
Puffs on a joint. Passes it.

AYANNA
Thanks. You’re not so bad for an old geezer --

CHICK
Geezer? Why, I’ll have you know
I won the Cha-cha contest
at the Brown Derby in ‘46.
Used to be quite the hoofer,
if you must know --

The door opens.
In comes Catalina.
All smiles. Then smells --

CATALINA
You’re smoking marijuana?

CHICK
Don’t be alarmed.
I slipped the security lad a C-note.
We could kill someone in here
for all he cares.

Chick takes the joint from Ayanna.
Another toke.

CATALINA
So what’s your pleasure, doctor?

CHICK
My pleasure is --
(nods at Ayanna)
Her pleasure.
It seems my friend here
has quite a hankering for you --

CATALINA
(stares at Ayanna)
A hankering -- for me?

AYANNA
Sur-priii-ise.

CHICK
And I thought it would be fun
if you two -- made whoopee --
while I watched.

CATALINA
Make -- whoopee?

CHICK
(hands her a roll of bills)
One thousand reasons to say yes.

Catalina stares at the wad.
Eyes wide. Nods.

Ayanna entwines her arms
around the gazelle.
Eyes druggy slits.

AYANNA
Come on, don’t tell me --
you never thought about it.

CATALINA
(blushes, whispers)
Actually, I, I -- have.

Ayanna picks Catalina up.
Carries her to the table.

Gently lies her down.
Slides on top.
Starts caressing her.

Chick’s eyes grow wide with wonder.
He sits. Slides a hand
into the folds of his robe.
Starts working it. In ecstacy.

Catalina moans.
Starts KISSING Ayanna.
Which inflames her.
She slowly puts her hand up
Catalina’s skirt.

CHICK
Suffering succotash!
Not now! Not yet! I -

Chick’s body JERKS.
He lets out a weird, high-pitched YIP.
Stops. Eyes go glassy.

The girls keep going at it.
Hot and heavy. Oblivious.

INT. SECURITY WATCH ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Rod watches on a monitor.
Face red. He POUNDS the console.

ROD
Goddamn fucking dyke --
this woulda out-sold
fucking Paris Hilton
and Pamela Anderson COMBINED.

He picks up the phone.
Dials. Listens.

ROD
Henry?

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

INT. LOFT - AT THAT MOMENT
Dark, cavernous. Windows blacked out.
Banks of computers. Video game consoles.
Porno movie posters. A gamer’s lair.

On the mega-stereo,
the deviant-bitch electro-death-pop
of Ladytron’s DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH over --

HIROKU TAKEO (27), heavyset with a giant,
round head, geek extraordinaire, slurps noodles.
Speaks into his headset.

HIROKU
Hiroku, asshole. What’s up?

ROD
Why can’t I just call you Henry?

HIROKU
Because THAT’S NOT MY NAME.
(beat)
What -- do -- you -- want, ROD.
(low, to himself)
Retard --

ROD
Okay, lookit.
We got trouble.
I got busted today --

HIROKU
The cops? The fucking cops?

ROD
No, worse. A -- Federal agent.

HIROKU
You fucking inbred IDIOT.

ROD
Hey now, calm down --
she was undercover, HERE --
how was I supposed to know?
And now she says I gotta
help her bring the place down --
or else it’s my ass in a sling.

Hiroku smiles. Piggy eyes pondering.

ROD
Hen -- Hi-row-koo?
You still there?

HIROKU
Interesting visual image.
Limited market,
but it might be worth exploring.

ROD
So whadda we gonna do?

HIROKU
We make her -- go away.

ROD
So you’ll -- make the flight plans?

HIROKU
Yes.
(eyes light up)
I just had a brilliant idea.

ROD
What.

He SLURPS a long, fat noodle.

HIROKU
We videotape it.

PUSH IN ON Rod’s face.
Greedy eyes darting.

INT. BLUE MASSAGE ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Gus and Lindsey fuck for all their worth.
It’s animal. Vegetable. Mineral.
He arches his back. Beaming. In ecstasy.

Lindsey’s fingers race through his hair.

LINDSEY
Fucking CHRIST --
I’m gonna, I’m gonna --

GUS
So AM I!
Goddamn fucking Jesus CHRIST!

And, in a moment of pure cinema --
They CLIMAX simultaneously.
He bucks, HEAVES. She shakes, GRINDS.

They grip each other.
Sweaty. Salty. Spent.
Then pull apart.

Gus gets a towel.
Wipes himself.
Ties it around his waist.

GUS
That was -- fucking awesome.

LINDSEY
(goofy grin)
Yeah.
(beat)
Goddammit.

GUS
We gotta do that again sometime.

LINDSEY
Any time.

Gus motions to the door.

GUS
Well, I guess I gotta --

LINDSEY
Yeah.
(beat)
Oh. One last thing --

GUS
Sure. What?

Pause.

LINDSEY
(brightly)
That’ll be a thousand dollars.