Kiss My Dick

Happy Tuesday, crime motherfuckers! It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 25 of FULL BODY, things come to a head when Etya is confronted by her mother Mavra at The International. But just as they reach a truce and put down their weapons, Etya's father, crime boss Yuri Vlaovic, arrives on the scene to have his own showdown with Mavra, his ex-wife, back from the dead ...


EXT. 14TH STREET - AT THAT MOMENT
Yuri GALLOPS down the street. SNAPPING the reins.

YURI
Go! Go! Go! GO!

The horse stops. RAISES its front legs. WHINNIES.

YURI
What the fuck you stop for!
C’mon, let’s go! Giddy-fucking-UP!

Nothing.

YURI
Fucking HORSE. I said, GIDDY-UP, GODDAMMIT.

A beautiful WHITE MARE comes into frame.
Pulling a tourist carriage.
The stallion starts nuzzling the mare.

Yuri jumps off. The horse gives him a look. ‘Beat it.’

YURI
Okay, I’m sorry. I go.
(beat)
Everybody getting laid but me.

EXT. THE INTERNATIONAL - FRONT ENTRANCE - AT THAT MOMENT
Etya races up the steps. FLINGS open the front door.
RUNS inside. SLAMS the door shut behind her. LOCKS it.

Wipes her brow. She’s a mess.
Filthy. Bloody. Sweaty.

ETYA
Okay. Must get ready --

IN HER OFFICE
Etya goes to the safe. Opens it.
Pulls out a large chrome 357 MAGNUM.
Fondles it lovingly.

ETYA
Is only fitting I use her gun.
She deserted us, and now comes back?
I spit on her, I -- I --
(beat)
Drink to her demise.

She goes to the bar.
Opens a bottle of vodka.

Pours a stiff one.
Takes a sip. Walks into --

THE FRONT ROOM
Etya sits at the reception desk.
Puts down the drink.

ETYA
No. Am sitting goose.

She goes to the lights.
Shuts them off.

IN THE DARK

ETYA (V.O.)
Now. Where to hide?

MAVRA (V.O.)
Hide? Hide? HIDE?
I didn’t teach you to HIDE like a COWARD.
I taught you to CONFRONT danger,
meet it HEAD-ON, like WARRIOR.

ETYA (V.O.)
M-momma?

MAVRA (V.O.)
Surprise, boobala.
Just flew in from Dubrovnik,
and boy are arms tired.
Turn on light. I want to see you.

Etya’s gun CLICKS.

ETYA (V.O.)
Stay where you are.
Don’t move oyster.

MAVRA (V.O.)
I’m not going to hurt you, Etya.
(choking with emotion)
I came all this way -- to see you.

ETYA (V.O.)
You -- did?
(beat)
No. No way --

MAVRA (V.O.)
I don’t want to hurt you.
You’re my daughter.
(softly)
My baby.

Lights SNAP on.
Etya and Mavra face off.
Each with a gun.

ETYA
But you’re -- pointing weapon at me.

MAVRA
I may be sentimental,
but I’m not an idiot.

They stare at each other.
Taking it all in.

MAVRA
You look good. Healthy.
A bit torn up from big chase scene,
but good. Really good. Where’s your father?

ETYA
He’s on the way.
And if you try and kill him,
I’ll, I’ll -- kill you.

MAVRA
You won’t kill me. I’m your mother.

ETYA
Who abandoned family.

MAVRA
I was made Zagreb laughingstock.
Your father never made love to me,
he drove me into arms of other men.

ETYA
So now you’re saying I’m not
flower of father’s fertilizer?

MAVRA
Of course not. We use turkey baster.
Can’t you see resemblance?
(looks at her)
And you are even more beautiful --

ETYA
You’re not going to butter me.

MAVRA
What is -- butter you?

ETYA
Is compliment to get what you want.

MAVRA
But I -- just want you to love me.

ETYA
Kiss my dick.

MAVRA
No, is true. Look. I put down gun.
(tosses it)
You’re my daughter, my only child.
I love you, Etya. Please. Come to Momma.
Let me take you away from all this.
(meaningfully)
We can start our own crime family.

Etya lowers her gun.
Collapses into Mavra’s arms.

They hold each other.
Pull apart. Kiss.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
And I thought I cornered market
on incestual longing.

SILKE comes into frame.
Pointing a handgun.

SILKE
What’s that song by Echo and Bunnymen?
‘Lips Like Sugar?’

Etya WHIRLS, puts Mavra between herself and Silke.
JAMS her gun toward him.

ETYA
Shut up, you, you -- house-wrecker.

MAVRA
Etya, don’t. Put down gun.
Let’s discuss this.
(to Silke)
Silke. This wasn’t part of plan.

SILKE
Plan? What plan?
You said you wanted revenge.
That I was to trust you.
Now MY baby’s dead,
and YOU have YOURS back.
If that was fucking PLAN,
it fucking SUCKS.

YURI (O.C.)
Now look what we have here.
Regular family reunion.
Is ‘Full House.’

YURI
steps into frame.
A GUN aimed at Mavra.
Another at Silke.

YURI
Mavra. Still lovely, as always.
Sight for sore eyes.

PUSH IN ON Mavra.
Eyes dancing with danger.

MAVRA
Yuri. Still with extension of penis, I see.