Make A Sound, And You're Shredded Wheat

Happy Hump Day, crime humpsters! It's time once again to get your rocks off, and take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent hardboiled fantasies becomes sins of the flesh, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In chapter 12 from THE HEISTERS, we flash back to the stadium robbery, where Kelsey and the boys lay in wait, and then overpower the guards as they arrive in the morning ...


INT. STADIUM OFFICE - STORAGE ROOM - NIGHT
Kelsey, Ronan and Chick sit on the floor playing cards.
Ludo walks in the room juggling four cups of coffee.
Closes the door with his foot. Starts passing them out.

LUDO
Thank fucking god for Mr. Coffee --

KELSEY
(takes hers)
Tell me about it. Thanks.

RONAN
(takes his)
Yeah. Thanks.

CHICK
(takes one)
Don’t mind if I do --

KELSEY
(takes a sip)
What time is it?

RONAN
(looks at his watch)
Almost seven --

KELSEY
They’ll be showing up soon.
Let’s get out there --

They all get up. File out of the room.

INT. FINANCE OFFICE - DAY
Kelsey and Chick stand near the front window. Watching.
Ludo and Ronan are on either side of the door holding Uzis.

KELSEY
Here comes two of ‘em. A guy and a girl --

CHICK
Jeez. Check out the cans on THAT heifer.
(beat)
Sorry --

Everyone is quiet. Listening.
We hear a key JIGGLING in the door.
It OPENS, and in walk a NERDY GUY (20’s)
and a FAT CHICK (30’s).

Ludo and Ronan POKE them with their Uzis.

LUDO
Make a sound and you’re shredded wheat, got it?

RONAN
Into the storage room. MARCH.

Nerdy and Fat look at each other. Freaked.
They nod, look down, and start walking.

Ronan follows them.
Ludo takes position at the door again.
Kelsey joins him.

CHICK
Here comes one of the guards.
(beat)
Careful. This guy is BIG.

Footsteps POUND-POUND-POUND outside the door. It OPENS.
In walks a THREE-HUNDRED POUND MONSTER.
I mean, this guy is BIG.

The love child of Refrigerator Perry and Precious.

Ludo points his Uzi at Monster Guard.
Takes a step back.

LUDO
Don’t move. Stay right where you are.

MONSTER GUARD
Fuck YOU.

Quick as lightning, he reaches out
and SWATS the gun out of Ludo’s hand.
GRABS him around the throat with his meaty paws.

MONSTER GUARD
Nobody gonna rob MY office --

Kelsey RACES over.
PISTOL-WHIPS him on the head with her gun.
But it does no good. He blinks.

Keeps squeezing Ludo’s throat,
who’s face is now turning bright red.

Kelsey pulls out a silencer.
Screws it on her gun --

Just as Chick walks up and CRACKS
a folding chair over his head, BANG.

Monster lets go of Ludo.
Takes a step back, weaves a little,
then falls over, hits the floor with a THUD.

KELSEY
The bigger they are --

CHICK
The harder you have to smash’ em over the head.

LUDO
(rubbing his neck)
I actually starting seeing stars, like in the cartoons --

KELSEY
(to Chick)
C’mon, help me drag him into the storage room.

They each take an ankle. Give him a YANK.
But he won’t budge. Ludo looks at them. Smiles.

LUDO
Let me do it. I could bench press that fat fuck.

Kelsey and Chick step back.
Ludo GRABS his ankles.
Starts pulling him across the floor to the back.

CHICK
Impressive.

KELSEY
That’s what I call ‘dead weight.’

The door CLICKS.

Kelsey leans down, picks up Ludo’s Uzi.
Takes aim.

It OPENS.
THREE GUARDS file in, holding Starbucks.

CHICK
(waves his gun)
Stop right there, fellas.

KELSEY
Reach for your piece,
and it’s lights out, right in the mochachino.

SURLY GUARD
(GRABS his piece)
What the FUCK?

CHICK
You heard the lady.
Get your hand OFF THE GUN.

ANGRY GUARD
(hand on his piece)
But there’s three of us, and two of you.

CHICK
That may be,
but this semi-automatic weapon
will turn you into Swiss cheese
faster than you can say ‘Mall Cop.’

SURLY GUARD
HEY. There’s no need to be NASTY.

RONAN (O.C.)
If you don’t get your asses over here in two seconds --

Reveal RONAN.
Ten feet away.
Pointing HIS Uzi at them.

RONAN
Nasty is just the BEGINNING.

WIMPY GUARD
C’mon, guys.
These people man BUSINESS.
It’s not worth DYING for --

Surly and Angry take their hands off their guns. Sigh.
All three start walking toward the back.

CHICK
(looks at Kelsey)
I almost had a coronary --

KELSEY
No time for that. Take a deep breath.
We still have four more employees on the way.

CHICK
Don’t worry. Figure of speech.

KELSEY
Great work with the chair, by the way.

CHICK
Thanks. I was trained by the best.

KELSEY
Army? Marines?

CHICK
Nah. Parents had eight kids --