Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw

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In today's chapter of NOWHERE GIRLS, as we hurtle towards the exciting conclusion ... Homeland Security agents April Street and Cherry Nation chase evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond through the Kodak Theater ... more than a bit freaked out that they are trying to kill ... their mother.


INT. KODAK THEATER - NIGHT
Cherry crawls up next to April behind the front row of seats.

CHERRY
(whispers)
Hey.

APRIL
Hey. So who’s watching the kids?

CHERRY
Believe it or not, the FBI.

APRIL
The FBI? But --

CHERRY
They’re not after us anymore.
We’re in the clear,
they’re after Honey, too,
and they’ve got the joint surrounded.
Didn’t want to ‘damage the theater,’
so WE’RE now working for THEM --

APRIL
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

CHERRY
You gotta plan?

APRIL
I’m thinking --

IN THE OPERA BOX
Honey holds the shoe,
pulls back her arm like a pitcher --
and Monsterburg SNEEZES.

MONSTERBURG
A-CHOOO.

IN THE THEATER
Cherry and April’s heads WHIP
toward the sound of the noise.

CHERRY
(points)
They’re up THERE.

APRIL
C’mon, follow me --

IN THE OPERA BOX
Honey SMACKS Monsterburg
on the head with the shoe, THWUMP.

MONSTERBURG
OW.

HONEY
(pulls out a gun)
IDIOT. Now they now where we ARE --

MONSTERBURG
Please don’t --

Honey FIRES.
The silencer THWIP-THWIP-THWIPS
bullets into his chest.

He looks down at the rapidly growing red stains.

MONSTERBURG
Shoot me.

HONEY
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
(beat)
Not.

And he FALLS OVER the balcony
into the theater seats.

IN THE THEATER
April and Cherry RACE
toward the stairs to the boxes.
Monsterburg’s body HITS the floor
in front of them, THWUMP.

APRIL
Whoops. No golden parachute --

And they RUN toward the entrance.

SECOND FLOOR CORRIDOR
Honey dashes out the opera box door into the corridor.
Starts RUNNING up the ramp that goes to the next floor.

APRIL AND CHERRY
Appear in the corridor a moment later.

CHERRY
Shit. Which way?

APRIL
She has to go up, WE’RE down.

Cherry nods.
They start running up the ramp.

HONEY
Hears their footsteps behind her.
DUCKS into an opera box.

APRIL AND CHERRY
Race by.

HONEY
Waits a beat.
Peers around the corner.
Sees they’re gone.

Then RACES back down the ramp to the first floor.

APRIL AND CHERRY
Get to the top of the ramp. Look around.

APRIL
Shit.

CHERRY
Fuck.

APRIL
Think, think --
(beat)
She could be hiding in the seats on this level --

CHERRY
Or she could have gone into another box --

APRIL
Nah, she’s a criminal mastermind.
She’d do something much more devious --

CHERRY
Like fake us out and go back downstairs?

APRIL
Fucking BRILLIANT --

They HIGH FIVE, and RACE back down the ramp.

INT. BOX SEATS CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS
Honey gets to the bottom.
Grabs the handle to the backstage door.
YANKS it. LOCKED.

Pulls out her gun.
SHOOTS the handle off.
DASHES through the door.

APRIL AND CHERRY
Run down the ramp, huffing and puffing.

CHERRY
Kinda weird that we’re chasing our mother, huh?

APRIL
Didn’t stop Oedipus --