Fuck-Buddy

Happy Tuesday, crime freaks! It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, to a place where you darkest desires become sins of the flesh, right here, at the coolest joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In today's chapter (no. 2) of THE HEISTERS, professional thief Kelsey Hazard returns from going to the corner store for supplies, finds her fuck-buddy dead, and the loot from her latest heist stolen ... and then suddenly has to deal with the cops ...


INT. SHITTY BUNGALOW - BEDROOM - NIGHT
Kelsey looks, sees a YOUNG STUD (25) propped up in bed.
A long SAMURAI SWORD stuck in his neck.
Pinning him to the head board. Blood everywhere.

Must have been SOME geyser.

KELSEY
NO!

Kelsey RACES over to the closet. Opens it. Looks.
She WHEELS AROUND.

Head whipping back and forth.
In a RAGE.

KELSEY
The MONEY --

She stops. Closes her eyes.
Takes a deep breath. Opens them.
Now blazing. Full of FIRE.

KELSEY
(under her breath)
Somebody’s gonna DIE.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Police. DON’T MOVE.

Kelsey turns, sees --

TWO POLICE OFFICERS
Standing in the doorway.
A GRIZZLED VET and a YOUNG ROOKIE.
Weapons drawn.

Kelsey expresses blank-faced surprise.
Rookie stares at the body.
Looks like he’s gonna puke.

KELSEY
You got here fast --

RED-FACED ROOKIE COP
What?

GRIZZLED VET COP
You called us?

KELSEY
Hell, yeah. I go down to the corner
to get beer and smokes
and I come back and my fuck-buddy’s
been skewered like a shish-ka-bob.
So I called.

She reaches for her pocket.
Red-Faced shakes his weapon.

RED-FACED ROOKIE COP
Don’t MOVE.

KELSEY
I was --
(gestures at her pocket)
Getting a cigarette?

GRIZZLED VET COP
(to Red-Faced)
Put your weapon down, Dunn.
It might go off.

He does, but still looks pissed.

Kelsey nods.
Pulls out a smoke. Lights it.

KELSEY
You think I’d kill someone
and then stick around until you got here?
(off their silence)
The bag with the receipt
is on the kitchen counter.
Two six-packs of beer,
and a carton of Marlboros.
Seventy-two bucks and change.

GRIZZLED VET COP
(to Dunn)
Go check.

Dunn nod. Goes off to the kitchen to look.

GRIZZLED VET COP
Sorry about that.
He’s new on the force.

KELSEY
Don’t worry about it.
I’d be suspicious, too.

GRIZZLED VET COP
So what was your relationship with the victim?

KELSEY
Jackie Tempel? Like I said.
He was a fuck-buddy.
Met him in a bar a couple of nights ago.
We’ve been shacked up ever since.

GRIZZLED VET COP
You live around here?

KELSEY
From New York. Here on vacation.

Dunn comes back in.
Looks sheepish. But still pissy.

DUNN
It checks out, chief.
Receipt says the purchase
was made five minutes ago.

Grizzled Vet nods.
Stares at Kelsey carefully.

GRIZZLED VET
You check the closet?
Perp could be hiding in there.

KELSEY
I checked. No one there.

GRIZZLED VET COP
(to Dunn)
Go take a look.

Dunn nods. Goes to the closet.

KELSEY
You’re wasting your time --

The rookie opens the door.
Looks down. Eyes go wide.

DUNN
Well, look at what we have HERE.
Machine guns, handguns --
a regular ARSENAL.
(turns and looks)
Cuff her, partner.
We got us a real --

Kelsey GRABS a book off the dresser.
HURLS it at Dunn’s head, CRACK.
He WHEELS BACKWARDS into the closet, THWUMP.

She WHIRLS around.
KNEES Grizzled Vet in the groin.

He doubles over in pain.
She PUNCHES him in the throat.

Grizzled HITS the floor,
GASPING for breath.

Dunn starts to get up, but Kelsey’s too fast.
She DASHES over to the closet
and KICKS him in the head.

He goes back down.
Out like a light.

Grizzled starts to get up, still wheezing.
Reaches for his piece --
but Kelsey GRABS it
and CRACKS him on the head with it. THWUMP.
He goes down for the count.

She races over to the closet.
Grabs the pistols.

Stuffs them in her pockets.
Goes to the bed table.

Grabs the kid’s cell phone.
Heads for the door.

KELSEY (V.O.)
I hate fucking up cops,
but sometimes a gal’s gotta do
what a gal’s gotta do --