Suzy Homemaker

Happy Friday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace.

In Chapter 6 of Frankenstein In Love, we meet bland suburban couple Brub and Adelle Petrie, who are waiting for their teenage cheerleader daughter Shayla to come home for dinner after school, but what they don't know yet is that poor little Shayla was just killed in a hit-and-run accident, and is now in science genius nerd Frankie Stein's basement lab, about to be brought back to life ...


INT. SUBURBAN HOME - KITCHEN
Suzy Homemaker’s dream come true.
A riot of stainless steel and
off-white in the heart of suburbia.
Top Chef, ahoy.

A WOMAN (40’s), pert, smiling,
very attractive is studiously
cooking at the stove.

She tastes the sauce
with a wooden spoon.
Mmm. Delicious. Got Milf?

Meet ADELLE PETRIE, Shayla’s mom.
The perfect wife, mother, bookkeeper,
maid, chauffeur. You know the drill.

ADELLE
(calls into the next room)
Dinner’s almost ready, honey.
Did Shayla get home yet?
I didn’t hear her come in.

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Not yet. You want me to
call her on her cell?

BRUB PETRIE (40’s),
Shayla’s father walks in.

Tall and fit, with rugged good-looks.
Right out of a Sears catalogue.

I mean, could this family be
more picture-perfect or what?

ADELLE
I’m sure she’ll be along in a sec.
She’s NEVER late for dinner.

BRUB
Gosh, honey.
That’s smells terrific.
Is that a new recipe?

ADELLE
How’d you guess?

BRUB
When it comes to your cooking,
I’ve got a nose for adventure.

ADELLE
Oh, YOU.
Do me a favor and set
the table for dinner?

BRUB
Of course, my love.
Anything for you.

They gaze at each other
with undying love.

Brub suddenly SHITS HIS PANTS
with a ROAR OF FLATULENCE.

ADELLE
(waves her hand in the air)
Jesus fucking Christ, Brub.
Get the fuck out of here,
you’re shitting up the KITCHEN.

BRUB
Don’t use that tone
with me, BETTY CROCKER.
You want the belt again?

ADELLE
Oh, go ahead, Mr. Macho.
Why don’t you just fucking HIT me?
I told you to wear fucking Depends,
but NO. Mr. Irritable Bowel Syndrome
just HAS to ruin his new Dockers.

Brub glowers.
Storms over to the doorway.
Over his shoulder.

BRUB
I’m going to take a shower,
and when I come back, dinner
BETTER be served. Capiche?

Adelle blinks.
Cocks her head.
Smiles brightly.

ADELLE
Sure thing, honey-bun.
Comin’ up in jiffy.

Reanimator

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of Frankenstein In Love, CDC scientist/agent Beck Driver is alerted about the dead rat come back to life in Venison, Ohio. Meanwhile, Frankie spies on his cheerleader dream girl Shayla on a sex motel 'date' with her Jack Daniels-swilling abusive boyfriend, who shoves her out of his truck after she pukes all over the dashboard -- but when she gets moved over in a freak hit and run, Frankie takes her dead body back to his lab to bring her back to life ...


INT. CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL - OFFICE - DAY
A cluttered office filled with
book shelves and filing cabinets.

Paperwork EVERYWHERE. A tall,
intense-looking SCIENTIST (30’s)
talks on the phone.

Meet REBECCA ‘BECK’ DRIVER.
Great-looking.

Even with glasses
and hair in a ponytail.

BECK
Don’t get me wrong,
I love Dustin Hoffman,
but OUTBREAK was ridiculous.
The virus was --
(sees something)
My other line. Hold on a sec.
(PUNCHES a button)
This is Beck.
(listens)
REALLY? How long had it been dead?
(listens)
I’ll be there as fast as I can.
(listens)
Got it. Bye.
(PUNCHES another button)
I’m back. You’ll never believe what
was just found in Venison, Ohio.
(listens)
A dead rat brought back to life.
(listens)
Of course I’ve see RE-ANIMATOR --

EXT. VENISON - THE CAMELOT MOTEL - DUSK
A seedy, shitty adult motel
on the outskirts of town near a park.

Frankie’s VW bus sits at the
opposite side of the gravel
parking lot far away from Willis’ truck.

JOSH
I’m cold, I’m hungry,
and I gotta take a piss.

FRANKIE
You can go if you want to.

JOSH
I’m not gonna walk home.
It’s too far.

FRANKIE
Relax.
They’re not gonna be much longer.
They both have to go home for dinner.

On cue, a motel door OPENS.
Shayla and Willis walk out.

Dishevelled, with that
‘just had sex’ look.
And a bit tipsy.

They look around, make
sure they’re not being seen.

Willis holds a bottle
of Jack Daniels.
Takes a long swallow.

They both get in the truck.
It starts driving away.

IN FRANKIE’S VAN

He starts the engine.

FRANKIE
Okay, here we go.

IN WILLIS’ TRUCK
Shayla grips her stomach.
Turns green.

SHAYLA
Stop the car.
I’m gonna get --

And PROJECTILE VOMITS
all over the dashboard.

WILLIS
Fucking BITCH. Look
what you did to my TRUCK.
(reaches over,
YANKS her door open)
Get OUT.

SHAYLA
But, but --

Willis SHOVES her out of the seat.
She FLIES OUT the door.

IN THE VAN

Frankie and Josh see
Shayla HIT the pavement.
And Willis’ truck ROAR away.

Shayla stands up.
Shakes a fist. SCREAMS.

SHAYLA
You fucking ASSHOLE.

ON THE STREET

A CAR comes CAREENING
around a corner.

IN THE CAR

The DRIVER (20’), drunk, dishevelled,
takes a swig from a pint bottle of booze.

ON THE STREET
The car heads right toward Shayla --
and CLIPS her with the front fender.

She FLIES into the air like a rag doll --
and HITS the pavement, THWUMP.

FRANKIE’S VW BUS

SCREECHES to a halt beside
Shayla's motionless body.

Frankie and Josh jump out.
Walk over.

Frankie gets down on his knees.
Takes her pulse.
Shakes his head sadly.

FRANKIE
No, no, no, NO --

JOSH
She’s dead.
We gotta call the cops.

FRANKIE
The COPS?
Are you fucking KIDDING me?

JOSH
What else could we --
(realizes)
Oh, no. No WAY.

FRANKIE
Yes fucking way.
It worked on the rat.
And now it’s gonna work on her.

JOSH
This is SICK, Frankie.
You just want to be with her.
No WAY am I getting involved in this.
We could go to jail for a LONG time.

FRANKIE
So we don’t get caught.
We have to save her.
Now help me put her
in the back of the van.
(off his silence)
C’mon, don’t you want us to
go down in medical history
and be rich and famous?

JOSH
I’ll take the feet.
You grab her arms --

Eat, Pray, Fuck

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Friday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of Frankenstein In Love, science genius nerd Frankie Stein fights back against a pair of bullies, then discovers that his dream girl is being physically abused by her boyfriend, so he follows them with a view to rescuing her ...


EXT. ROGER CORMAN HIGH - DAY
School’s out. Students leave the
building like a stream of ants.
Laughing and shouting as they walk.

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - DAY
Frankie and Josh walk
towards Frankie’s car.

JOSH
But that’s CRAZY.
You can’t do that.
I’ve seen the movie.
It DOESN’T end well.

FRANKIE
Well, I read the book
and seen the movie --
and that’s because he
used body parts
from several people --
but what about reanimating
a whole person?

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Hey, LOOK. THERE they are.
Don’t ask, don’t SMELL.

Reveal WILLIS GRUBB (18),
big and massive --
and Shayla’s boyfriend,
with his cohort KIRK KIRK, JR. (18),
even bigger.

Jocks Gone Wild.
Staring at them.
Fists clenched.

KIRK
And where are you
two love birds off to?

WILLIS
Wait -- don’t tell me.
They’re gonna Eat, Pray, Fuck.

They both BURST into laughter.
High-five each other.

FRANKIE
I don’t know what the hell
Shayla sees in you,
you swollen steroid.
You don’t DESERVE her.

JOSH
(whispers)
Frankie.

Willis’ face turns red.

WILLIS
I’m gonna fucking KILL you.

Frankie KICKS him in the balls.
Willis keels over in pain.

WILLIS
OW!

KIRK
You little SHIT.

Josh WHIPS OUT pepper spray
and SHOOTS it in Kirk’s eyes.

KIRK (CONT'D)
(wiping them)
My EYES, my EYES.

And they take TAKE OFF.

EXT. FRANKIE’S VOLKSWAGON BUS - CONTINUOUS
Frankie and Josh pile
into Frankie’s van.
SLAM the doors.

JOSH
I can’t believe you fucking DID that!

FRANKIE
Neither can I!

INT. FRANKIE’S VOLKSWAGON BUS - CONTINUOUS
Frankie JAMS the car into gear.
Josh turns around and looks
out the back window.
Sees something.

JOSH
Wait. Don’t go. Hold on a sec.

FRANKIE
Are you fucking crazy?

He starts pulling out of his parking space.

JOSH
WAIT. It’s Shayla.

FRANKIE
What?

Frankie turns around. Looks.

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Willis SLAPS Shayla. GRABS her.
SHOVES her into his pickup truck.

SLAMS the door. PEELS RUBBER
out of the parking lot.

IN FRANKIE’S CAR
He looks at Josh. Open-mouthed.

FRANKIE
The rumors are TRUE.
He DOES hit her.

Frankie HITS THE GAS
and drives toward the exit.

JOSH
What are you DOING?

FRANKIE
What does it look like?
I’m gonna FOLLOW them.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY
Frankie’s car follows Willis’
truck down the street.

INT. FRANKIE’S VOLKSWAGON BUS - CONTINUOUS
Josh looks at Frankie.

JOSH
You’re fucking crazy.
What are you gonna do when
you catch up with them?

FRANKIE
(grinning maniacally)
Rescue her.

A Little Devil

Hey there, crime kids. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of Frankenstein In Love, suburban homemaker Peggy Heck greets uniformed officer Chet Beverage at the door, responding to her 911 call about a rat that's invaded her house. There's also another problem. It's dead, and has been brought back to life ...


INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Plain and ordinary, but comfy. Homey.
We hear SQUEALING and BANGING
from behind a closed door.

Vita’s mother PEGGY (40)
morbidly obese,
talks on the phone,
chain-eating cookies.

On the counter we see
a book with the title:

THE GOOD WITCH:
SPELLS FOR HOME AND HEALTH.

PEGGY
Nobody’s come yet.
Can they hurry it up?
It’s making such an awful racket.

DISPATCHER (O.C.)
(electronic)
You don’t need to call
nine-one-one more than once, Ma’am.
An officer should be there any minute.

PEGGY
Okeydokey. Sorry to bother you.

The doorbell RINGS.

PEGGY
That must be them. Thanks, bye.

She hangs up, waddles out of the room.

AT THE FRONT DOOR
Peggy opens it.

A UNIFORMED OFFICER walks in.
Young. Decent-looking.
Trying very hard not to smile.

UNIFORMED OFFICER
Mrs. Heck?

PEGGY
Please. Call me Peggy.

UNIFORMED OFFICER
Peggy.
(nods)
Officer Beverage.
You reported a wild rat invasion?

Meet CHET BEVERAGE (30’s),
small town peace officer.

A bit paunchy from living the good life.
Great with getting cats out of trees.

Never fired his weapon.
On purpose, that is.

PEGGY
Yes, I did. Thank god you’re here.
Come with me. I’ll show you.

INT. SUBURBAN HOME - KITCHEN - DAY
Peggy and Chet stand in front
of the door to the basement.

Frankie’s reanimated rat SQUEALS
and BANGS against the door.

PEGGY
I opened the back door
to take out the garbage,
and it ran in here
like a little devil.
It shot right down to the basement.

CHET
Why didn’t you call an exterminator?

PEGGY
Because it’s, uh --
(eyes wide)
Already dead.