Dead Weight

Happy Good Friday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 22 of A DISH BEST KILLED, Jett gets distracted by a text from Haven, which causes her to miss her personal training client needing help when a large weight falls on his neck, which causes him to fire her, but when she accidentally punches him too hard, killing him, she suddenly has to dispose of his lifeless body ...


EXT. BEACH CONDO - OUTDOOR PATIO - DAY
Jett is training the Fat,
Sweating Venture Capitalist
we met earlier on the beach.

Fat lies on a bench under a barbell
ringed with weights clamped
in a cradle above him.

FAT, SWEATING VENTURE CAPITALIST
That looks like -- too much weight.

JETT
It’s only an extra ten pounds, Tyledge.
You told me you want to be ripped.

TYLEDGE
Yeah, I do.

JETT
Well, then -- let ‘er rip.
(beat)
Relax. I’m spotting you.
Just go nice and slow.

Fat looks up. Nods.
GRABS the barbell,
slowly lifts it up off the rack.

Straining and wheezing.
Jett’s cell phone
VIBRATES in her pocket.

She fishes it out.
It’s a text message.

TYLEDGE
(pushing, straining)
I, uh -- I can’t --
it’s, it’s slipping --

But Jett is reading the message.
It’s from Rush. On his way.

JETT
(under her breath)
Shit.

TYLEDGE
HELP, it’s gonna --

The weight is too much for Tyledge,
his grip slips, and the barbell
SLAMS DOWN on his neck.

TYLEDGE
GAAAAAAA!

Jett WHIPS her head around.

JETT
FUCK!

She GRABS the barbell, TOSSES it aside.
It CRASHES into a glass table,
SHATTERING it into a million pieces.
Tyledge GRABS his throat, SCREAMS in pain.

TYLEDGE
Fucking bitch! You trying to KILL me?

JETT
I’m sorry, I was -- on the phone --

TYLEDGE
Get the FUCK OUT OF HERE.
You’re FIRED, you HEAR ME?
(beat)
Fucking DYKE.

JETT
WHAT did you call me?

TYLEDGE
You heard me.
(ominous)
You’re gonna hear from my lawyer.
I’m gonna take you for every cent you have.
(beat)
So, tell me. Do you have to strap one on
to satisfy that little whore?

Jett rears back and SUCKER-PUNCHES him
under the chin, sends him FLYING.
He SLAMS down, CRACKING his head on the pavement.

JETT
Shit.

She feels his neck for a pulse.
Nothing. He’s DEAD.

JETT
NO.

Jett looks around. Nobody.
Everyone is at work.

She grabs Tyledge by the ankles,
drags him into the house.

IN THE LIVING ROOM
Jett pulls the large body
through the lux living room.

IN THE BASEMENT
She drags him down the stairs,
his body going THUNK, THUNK, THUNK
on each step. Talk about ‘dead weight.’

They get to the bottom.
Jett looks around, sees --

A LARGE FREEZER
One of those industrial-sized
ones that lies horizontally.

JETT
drags Tyledge to the freezer. Opens it.
Sees a mountain of steaks, chops and meat.
She starts pulling them out.

DISSOLVE TO:

Jett TOSSES meat packages into
the freezer, covering the body.

All we can see is his head.
She FLIPS one last steak in,
which covers his face.
SLAMS the lid closed.

JETT
That'll teach you to
call me a fucking DYKE --

The Dead Don't Lie

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 21 of A DISH BEST KILLED, murderous B-movie starlet Haven Crayce gets grilled by homicide dick Cal Seely about the death of her husband Dart ...


EXT. MARINA SLIP - THE SAFE HAVEN - MORNING
Haven sits at the workout machine,
working her arms.

A FIGURE IN BLACK appears.
Meet CAL SEELY (50’s), short,
squat homicide detective.

Face like an old potato.
Chewing on an unlit cigar.
Rumpled, in a shitty suit and a fedora.

SEELY
Excuse me. Are you Mrs. Crayce?

HAVEN
(turns, looks)
Uh-huh. Who are you?

He walks over, hands her a business card.

SEELY
Detective Cal Seely. Homicide.
(squinting in the sun)
Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

HAVEN
(reading the card, heart pounding)
Of course not. Come inside,
it’s cooler in there --

INT. SAFE HAVEN - GALLEY - MOMENTS LATER
Haven sits on the couch
with a glass of ice tea.

Seely takes a sip of his,
slowly walks around the room.

HAVEN
Please, sit. Make yourself at home.

SEELY
I’m comfortable standing, thank you.
(squints)
That a real Oscar?

HAVEN
Uh-huh.

SEELY
Smaller than I thought it’d be --
(turns, looks at her)
Thanks for seeing me like this,
during your -- time of grief.

HAVEN
Sure.

SEELY
Damn good ice tea.
(beat)
Now you said your husband’s
insulin pump wasn’t on.
How could that be?
Didn’t he need that -- to live?

HAVEN
Yes, he did.
(beat)
The battery must have been -- defective.
I changed the battery once a week,
on Sunday --

SEELY
Yesterday was Sunday.

HAVEN
Exactly. I normally change it in the morning,
when he got up, but with all the excitement --
he got home from the hospital yesterday --

SEELY
Why was he in the hospital?

HAVEN
He was -- having some tests.
He had a -- bad fall last week,
and his doctor wanted to make sure
everything was -- you know, okay.

SEELY
And was everything okay?

Haven looks at him.
Eyes cloud up with tears.

HAVEN
Yes. Everything was -- okay.

SEELY
So then when did you change the battery?

HAVEN
Right before the movie.
We watched a movie every night.
(inhales)
We had some wine, he fell asleep.
After it was over, I went down
to the guest room to meditate --
I listen to music while
I’m meditating on my Ipod.

SEELY
I see.
(beat)
But if you were listening to music
on headphones, how did you -- hear him?

PUSH IN ON Haven. Eyes liquid-bright.

HAVEN
It was a -- quiet song.
(beat)
You know -- meditation music.

The Big Payoff

Happy Friday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 20 of A DISH BEST KILLED, Rush tries to blackmail Haven when he reveals that he knows about her plot to kill her husband, but Haven turns the tables when she reveals that she hid dead midget Nola Bliss' body in the trunk of his car ...


INT. JETT’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Jett quietly closes the door.
Tip-toes into her apartment.

The TV is on. Loud.
Machine guns. EXPLOSIONS.

JETT
Rush.

Rush sits on the couch. Turns, looks.

RUSH
Hey, what’s up.

Jett goes to the table.
Grabs the remote. PUNCHES mute.

JETT
I thought you’d sleep -- longer.

RUSH
I can’t crash more than a couple hours.

He leans over, HONKS up a big, fat line.

RUSH (CONT’D)
(offers straw, evil grin)
Wanna bump?

JETT
No, I told you I --

RUSH
That’s an awesome houseboat.
It’s so fucking BIG.

JETT
Houseboat?

RUSH
Yeah, the one your -- friend lives in.
(beat)
Or should I say girlfriend?

JETT
How did you, what did you --

RUSH
I saw her address on the fridge.
Got curious when I saw
it was a boat. Walked over.
(another line)
Man, that was some fight, huh?
Who knew a fucking MIDGET
could be so strong?

JETT
Rush --

RUSH
Now THAT’S what I call dwarf tossing.

He grabs his beer off the table.
Takes a slug. Big grin.

JETT
Now wait a minute --

RUSH
No, YOU wait a minute.
(enjoying his power)
What did you do with the body?

Pause.

JETT
What do you want?
You wanna -- stay here awhile?

RUSH
Hell, no. I figure with my cut
I can get my own pad.

JETT
Your CUT?

RUSH
You killed her husband
for the insurance money, right?
Old fuck’s gotta be loaded.
I saw on the news he was some
famous old-time director or some shit.

JETT
And if I give you a -- cut,
you’ll go away, leave me alone.

RUSH
Yeah.
(stands)
Can I have my keys?

JETT
Where are you going?

RUSH
I gotta go home,
sort out some business,
get some supplies, some clothes.
Don’t worry, I’ll be back right away.
Wanna be here for the big payoff.

Jett TOSSES Rush’s keys.
He CATCHES them.

JETT
How much -- do you want?

RUSH
I’m thinking -- half.

JETT
HALF?

RUSH
You really scared me.
I haven’t see you go off like that
since the thing in Kansas.
(beat)
This time you can bury it yourself.

Rush starts for the door.

JETT
The body’s in the trunk of your car.
So I suggest you drive carefully.

RUSH
(stops, spins around)
What the fuck?

JETT
Hey -- if you’re in this,
you gotta earn your share --

Die Now, Pay Later

Hey there, crime kids. TGIF. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 19 of A DISH BEST KILLED, murderess lesbian B-movie starlet Haven Crayce explains to a suspicious cop how her husband died after his insulin pump 'malfunctioned' ...


INT. CRAYCE HOUSEBOAT - DECK - NIGHT
Haven stands with Dr. Bing as
EMS TECHNICIANS carry Dart’s body
in a bag on a gurney off the boat.

They watch, as Haven dabs
her eyes with a handkerchief.

A YOUNG, LATINA COP
takes Haven’s statement.

YOUNG, LATINA COP
Do you know why your husband
fell in the water?

HAVEN
I don’t know.
I was meditating, listening to my Ipod --
and I heard a noise, and came up on deck.
He was standing there, at the railing --

YOUNG, LATINA COP
What was he doing out there so late?

HAVEN
He was having -- an attack.
Insulin shock.

YOUNG, LATINA COP
What from? Too much insulin?

HAVEN
No. Not enough --

YOUNG, LATINA COP
How did you know that?

HAVEN
I’m a -- I was a -- nurse.
His insulin pump -- wasn’t on.

YOUNG, LATINA COP
How could you tell?

HAVEN
It has this, blinking light,
and it, it --
(a sob)
Wasn’t blinking.

She breaks down, crying.
Dr. Bing puts his arm around her.
Consoles her. Looks at the cop.

DR. BING
Will that be all, officer?
This woman is distraught
over the loss of her husband.
I’d like her to get some rest.

The cop looks at Haven.
Narrows her eyes.

YOUNG, LATINA COP
That’ll be all for now.
(hands Dr. Bing her card)
Call me if she remembers anything else.

The cop tips her cap. Walks away.

DR. BING
(leads her to the couch)
Come, my dear. Lie down.
I’ll give you something
to help you get some sleep.

She gets on the couch.
Curls up in the fetal position.

HAVEN
I’m afraid to fall asleep --
every time I close my eyes,
I see -- him, in the water.

Dr. Bing pulls a large
syringe from his bag. SQUIRTS it.

DR. BING
Not to worry. I’m going to
give you something that’ll
make you sleep like the dead.
(gives injection)
I want you to count backwards
from one-hundred.

HAVEN
One-hundred, ninety-nine --
(drowsy)
Ninety -- eight --

And she’s out. Dr. Bing watches her.
Fishes out the cops’ card.
His cell phone. Dials a number. Listens.

DR. BING
(reads off the card)
Hello, Officer -- Vargas?
It’s Dr. Bing Birmingham,
we just spoke with you --
(listens)
Yes, I do. I’d like to have
that insulin pump checked out.
See if it was defective.
(listens)
It’s already going to the lab?
Excellent.
(listens)
You, too -- thanks.

He hangs up. Looks at Haven.
Sleeping peacefully.

DR. BING
I can’t put my finger on it,
but I think there’s something’s
rotten in the state of Denmark --

Something Rotten

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