Pardon My Metaphor

Hey there, crime slicksters. Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday -- will they hang a noose on you? It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 18 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide chief Larry Lipshitz reads a statement about the 'movie copycat killings' to reporters at a press conference. Meanwhile, Laura Lang gets ready for some erotic fun with kinky porn director Klaus Speer ... while Carrie Love has a little encounter of her own ...


INT. TELEVISION NEWS STUDIO - DAY
A stiff, HANDSOME ANCHOR and a
gorgeous LATINA ANCHORWOMAN,
shellacked hair, grim frozen smile,
lean into THE CAMERA --

HANDSOME ANCHOR
We take you now to a press conference
in front of police headquarters, where --

LATINA ANCHORWOMAN
Brock Bradley is on the scene --
(dramatic pause)
Brock -- we’ve been told Larry Lipshitz,
chief detective, LA homicide --
is going to make a statement.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - FRONT STEPS - NIGHT
A gaggle of PRESS, ONLOOKERS and COPS
surround a podium crammed with mikes.
Larry Lipshitz takes a swig of Maalox.

BROCK BRADLEY
a vacant John Tesh on steroids
grips his mike, cocks his head,
gazes into THE CAMERA.

BROCK
That’s right, Lina.
They’re about to start any minute now --

YELLING MAN (O.S.)
Fuck you, stop pushing!
Unfair to the Guild!
Writers have rights!

HANDSOME ANCHOR
Holy homicide, Brock --
what the heck’s goin’ on down there?

BROCK
Well, there’s a couple of
protest groups out here, Brock --
one of them’s a group
from the Writer’s Guild --
they’re saying it’s
unfair to blame them,
and refer to the killings as
'cinema copycat crimes' --

LINA
And what’s the other group, Brock?

BROCK
I’m glad you asked, Lina --
protesting against Hollywood
marketing violence to children --
the Christian Unified Nation of Teachers.

The beauty spells out
the letters to herself. Gasps.

BROCK (CONT'D)
There’s Lipshitz.

BIFF
And not a moment too soon.

EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - FRONT STEPS - CONTINUOUS
Larry tugs at his tie, loosens it.
Looks at the crowd.

LIPSHITZ
Thank you all for coming.
I know these are scary times
we’re living in,
dark days in the city of angels.

He takes out a scrap of paper,
puts on his glasses.

SARCASTIC REPORTER
'City of angels?'
Who do you think you are,
Raymond Chandler?

LIPSHITZ
Nice to see you too, Mim.
What’s the matter,
didn’t get any last night?
(to the crowd)
I’m going to read a statement.
There’ll be no questions.

INT. KLAUS SPEER’S ESTATE - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT
Klaus lies sprawled on his
king-sized canopied bed.

Swirls, sips cognac
from an oversized snifter.
Watches the telly.

KLAUS
(to someone offscreen)
The fucking police have nothing.
Nothing. Just this, this -- statement.
It’s incredible, I tell you.
The killer’s some kind of twisted genius.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
Takes one to know one.

KLAUS
Flattery’ll get you --
anything you want.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
(sexy)
You’ll come in
and help me douche, then?

KLAUS
Come back to bed,
my little vixen --
I like your natural,
animal -- scent.

He chuckles,
eyes light up with mischief.

FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
You Germans --

Laura walks in, naughty smile --
and naughtier lingerie.

LAURA
Are such kinky, naughty little devils.

INT. DINA’S BEACH HOUSE - BEDROOM - AT THE SAME TIME
Watching the news coverage is --

Dina, snuggled in bed with Carrie.

LIPSHITZ (O.S.)
This devil, this animal --
and bring him -- or her --
to justice once and for all.
And make the (BLEEP)ing streets safe
once again for our law-abiding citizens.
(beat)
Pardon my metaphor. Sorry.

DINA
Your boss is an angry man.

CARRIE
You’d be angry too
if you were my boss.
(grabs cigarette, lights up)
Be right back. Gotta pee.

She climbs out of bed.
Pads over to the bathroom.

DINA
You’re gonna miss all the fun.

IN THE BATHROOM
Carrie sits. Pees.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Didn’t see that one coming, did you?
You thought I was the hero?
Well, I’m sorry to puncture your balloon.
Tip your fucking applecart --
but life doesn’t always
have a happy ending.
Now if you’ll excuse me --
I’ve got a thoroughbred
waiting for me in her bed.
And I’d like to give her a little sugar.
(beat)
Cause when the going gets tough --
the tough get laid.

The Other White Meat

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking FRIDAY. Are you ready for the holiday WEAK-END? Then it's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 17 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, suspended homicide dick Carrie Love finally hooks up with porn star Laura Lang outside Club Fuck after closing time. Meanwhile, detective Bernie Keko checks out 'director' Bruce Ball's corpse, which has a most unusual odor ...


EXT. CLUB FUCK - NIGHT
It’s over. Party kids spill onto the sidewalk.
Carrie weaves out the door.
Fumbles in her purse, pulls out a smoke.

LAURA
There you are.

CARRIE
Oh, hi.
(beat)
I never -- found you in there.

LAURA
(teasing)
That’s a shame.
I had my top off for an hour --
before I got busted.

CARRIE
Uh -- security?

LAURA
No. My date.
He finally found me.

CARRIE
(looks around)
Where’s he now?

LAURA
(evil)
I finally lost him.

CARRIE
Oh.
(beat)
So --

LAURA
So?

CARRIE
So -- can I get --
your phone number?

LAURA
(writes on Carrie’s hand)
Don’t wash it off, now.
(doesn’t let go)
You’ll regret it.

CARRIE
Thanks.

LAURA
(squeezes)
Call me.

CARRIE
I will.
(beat)
So -- I guess, um --

Long pause.
There’s no one else in the world.

LAURA
So -- aren’t you gonna kiss me?

CARRIE
(melts)
Uh -- yeah.

They kiss. Soft. Tender.

APPLAUSE.

They break apart.

A CROWD OF ONLOOKERS
cheer. Carrie looks down.
Embarrassed.

LAURA
You better go home, Miss Legs,
and get some rest.
(beat)
I got plans for you.

PUSH IN on Carrie’s face.
Suddenly sober.
CARRIE
(whispers)
P-p-plans -- for me?

INT. FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - BATHROOM - NIGHT
At the crime scene, BERNIE
inspects Bruce’s steaming body,
char-broiled to a crisp --
like a big, bright red lobster.

Joining him is Detective JESUS VALENTINE,
a fireplug of restless anger stuffed
into the cheapest suit in the world.

KEKO
(wrinkles nose)
Pee-yoo. Haven’t seen a scalding in awhile.
Talk about 'well done.'

VALENTINE
Smells like my mama’s cooking.

KEKO
The other white meat?

VALENTINE
No, rice and beans, man.
Got so fucking sick
of rice and fucking beans --
was dyin’ from that shit.
Saturday night was the one night
we’d have something different.
I can still smell it -- the sausage.

KEKO
That’s what I said,
'the other white meat.'

Jesus stares at Bernie,
uncomprehending.

KEKO
Pork, Jesus. Pork.

VALENTINE
You think just because
I’m a fucking Mexican
we had fucking pork?
Well, fuck you, we were different,
man, we had -- Pizza.
Dominos, Shakey’s, Little Caesar’s,
even Wolfgang Fuckin’ Puck.
We ran the gamut on that shit.
(beat)
Weird. He smells like fucking pizza.

KEKO
Hey, I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to -- you know.

VALENTINE
(looks at the body)
Must be Italian or shit.
Got that European
'bathe once a week'
kinda thing goin’ on.
(beat)
It’s fuckin’ uncivilized, man.
No wonder the killer
did it in the fucking shower.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
From behind, we see Laura’s beautiful tush.
She turns toward us, grabs a razor --
and steps into the shower.

IN THE SHOWER
The razor slides across
a shiny, perfect thigh.

LAURA
(sings)
On the night you murdered love --

Fucking Alpo Time, Dude

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 16 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Bernie Keko takes a trip to the morgue to inspect teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty's latest victim. Meanwhile, suspended officer Carrie Love drowns her sorrows at Club Fuck, looking for porn star Laura Lang ... with no luck.


INT. MORGUE - DAY
Brightly lit, antiseptic.
Deep-freeze cold.

Bernie stands by the door,
listening on his cell phone.

Two Medical Examiner PARAMEDICS,
KENNY, white, and KENDRICK, black,
wheel in a BODY BAG on a gurney.

KENNY
You get your skins?
She give you a lil’ somethin-somethin?

The cultured, British national stops the cart.

KENDRICK
(quiet, nasty)
You redneck git -- I’m from London,
stop with the bloody Ebonics.

Bernie talks into his cell.

KEKO
Carrie, if you’re there, pick up.
I know you’re mad,
and I don’t blame you,
but something’s happened.
We need you to --
(beat)
Fuck.
(sees the body)
Is that the motel room -- ?

KENNY
Freak show? Uh -- yeah.
Goddamn thought I’d seen everything.
Fucking Alpo time, dude.

KENDRICK
I must say I was impressed
with the attention to detail.
The victim is not only wearing
a choke chain and a collar,
but according to his tags --
it would appear he’s had
all his vaccinations.

KENNY
Rows and rows of the shit.
We’re talking major hypodermic action,
fuckin’ AIDS five-hundred.

KEKO
(walks over)
Open up the cinch-sack.

The big Jamaican-Brit zips open
the grey plastic, revealing --
the HIPSTER CLERK.
Wearing the dog costume.

KEKO
Kinky. Disembowel freaky Fido.

Kendrick zips down the furry body,
revealing --

The clerk’s chest.
Stippled with rows of
vicious puncture wounds
like bloody dominoes.

KEKO (CONT'D)
Whoever did this skipped
their anger management class.
(looks closer)
It looks like a -- pattern.

KENNY
Like someone played a buncha
'pick-6’s' on his six-pack.

KENDRICK
(to Kenny)
I told you -- it’s a message.
(to Bernie)
It’s the killer’s autograph.

Bernie stares at the human pincushion.
Gets an idea.

KEKO
(to Kenny)
Take off your shirt.

KENNY
What?

KEKO
(whips out a gun)
I said take off your shirt,
you fucking rube.
In case you haven’t noticed it,
we’ve got a human chia pet
here leaking out the evidence.

He clicks the safety.
The good ol’ boy strips off his top.

Bernie grabs the pale blue cotton,
places it on the body.

CLOSE ON --
Rows of red wounds.
Stippled in patterns.
The crimson dots bleed.
Start to connect. Form words.

I’d like to thank the Academy,
my Mom, God, my agent --

EXT. CLUB FUCK - NIGHT
A smallish grey building
deep in the bowels of Hollywood.

A pulsing, industrial grind
bleeds outside from within.

INT. CLUB FUCK - CONTINUOUS
Carrie sits at the bar,
drowning everything.
Sorrows. Joy. Hopes.
Dreams. Self-esteem.

She pours a tall shot
from a bottle of Jagermeister.

Toasts the throng. Downs it.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Figures I’d get stood up.
I knew it was too good to be true.
Fucking porn star --
(pours another shot)
I once had a shrink who said
I lived in my own little world.
That I’ve lived most of my life -- alone.
(downs it)
Well, maybe that’s because
everyone I’ve ever fucking known --
except my mom and my dog --
ended up letting me down.
Makes a girl a little finicky
about who she hangs out with.
And the way I look at it,
I’m pretty good fucking company.
(pours another)
But the thing is --
there’s just one problem. I
t’s not working anymore.
(raises glass)
It seems that whenever I
try to do things my way --
it blows up in my fucking face.

And she slams it. Grimaces.
Closes her eyes.

Dirty Little Girl

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking HUMP DAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 15 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, suspended homicide dick Carrie Love takes matters into her own hands, and does some surveillance on murder suspect Dina Daerr, and makes a shocking discovery about her new flame Laura Lang ...


EXT. OCEAN AVENUE - NIGHT
The haunting, sexy, Euro-cool sounds of Hooverphonic over --

Dina’s 100k convertible cruises
past the Santa Monica pier.

The sleek German vehicle slows,
makes a turn into --

EXT. DINA’S BEACH HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
A big, Cape Cod-style place
on a primo lot on the beach.

The Benz pulls in. Parks.
Dina gets out. Goes inside.

ON THE STREET
Ilona’s black ghost pulls up to the curb.

INT. DINA’S BEACH HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The rumpled beauty throws off her purse,
pick up a remote, punches on MUSIC --
some 60’s swinging cocktail croon.

Happily swerves down a hallway.

IN THE KITCHEN
She POPS the cork off a bottle of wine.

IN THE VAN
They listen on headsets.

ILONA
Someone’s getting a buzz.

CARRIE
The question is -- is she alone?

IN THE KITCHEN
She dials a number on her cell.
Sips her merlot.

DINA
Klaus?

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

INT. KLAUS SPEER’S STUDIO - EDIT BAY - AT THE SAME TIME
Klaus barks into his headset, eyes flashing.

KLAUS
You’re late.
Do you have any idea
how bad you’ve been?

DINA
(bows head)
I’m sorry -- sir.

KLAUS
(SLAPS the counter)
Did you bring home the dailies?

DINA
I’m afraid I -- I --
(beat)
Left them at the studio.
I, uh -- forgot.
We had an -- an emergency.

KLAUS
You forgot?
You left them at the studio?
(ominous)
What kind of emergency?

Pause.

DINA
I -- shot someone.
Killed them.
It was a mistake --
they weren’t supposed to be
real bullets.

KLAUS
You nasty -- filthy --
dirty little girl.
How could you do that.
After all I’ve done for you.
I can’t begin to
express my disappointment.
My complete dismay.
(beat)
Such a bad, bad girl.
Do you know what we do
to dirty little bad girls?

INSIDE THE VAN
Silence. Dina breathes heavily.

DINA (O.S.)
You -- you --
CARRIE
(aroused)
What?

Ilona stares at her.

CARRIE
What. Don’t look at me like that.
(beat)
You’re taping this, right?

IN KLAUS’ STUDIO
He smiles into the wireless
clipped to his leather jacket.

KLAUS
We start principal photography.

ACROSS THE ROOM
Laura sits in a director’s chair.
Sips from a glass of wine.

LAURA
And let the bodies
fall where they may --

Bearded Clam-Digging

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 14 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty 'disciplines' the video store clerk she kidnapped. Later that day, homicide detective Bernie Keko listens to the tape Sparkle made while she kills him, which reveals her chilling plans for him ... and Carrie.


EXT. 'THE INTERNATIONAL' MOTEL - NIGHT
Ridiculous. Flags from around the world
painted on a cinder block bunker.
Behind a gas station in 'The Hood.’
Hello.

INT. MOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult’s DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS.
Sexy -- oozing promises of pleasure. Pain. Release.

The HIPSTER VIDEO CLERK
is in a human-size dog costume,
tied up with electrical tape on the couch.
The head sits nearby.

Sparkle fastens a ball gag in his mouth.

SPARKLE
Good boy, that’s a good boy.
Now we’re gonna play a few tricks.

The clerk jerks up, stands.
Fights against his restraints.

Sparkle WHACKS him on the ass
with a wooden paddle.

SPARKLE
(whacks on each 'bad')
Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad -- boy!
No treats for you!
(WHACK)
I told Mama not to get a stray from the pound.

She pulls out a huge, gleaming,
hooked fish-gutting knife.

SPARKLE
Now look what you’re making me do.

The boy’s eyes flash frightened tears.

SPARKLE
I know, it makes me cry
when we have to put doggie to sleep.

INT. POLICE STATION - LIPSHITZ’ OFFICE - NIGHT
Bernie sits across from Larry’s desk.
A half-dozen HOMICIDE DETECTIVES stand around,
chatting, drinking coffee.

Lipshitz looks like shit, eyes hollow sockets.
He pulls out a brown bottle.

Pours some into his coffee. Takes a sip.

LIPSHITZ
(to Bernie)
My wife was crying last night,
couldn’t get any sleep,
we were up all night --
(beat)
We gotta get this -- succubus, Bernie.

KEKO
I’m there like white on rice, Lare.

LIPSHITZ
Thanks for the banality, Bernie.
It’s oddly comforting.
(looks around)
Alright, everybody listen up.
We got another tape.
(beat)
Actually, it’s a CD.
The killer’s gone digital.

WISEASS DETECTIVE
Let’s hear it, I’m getting a chubby already.

LIPSHITZ
Shut the fuck up MacDonald, you prick.
You think this is funny?

MACDONALD
No, sir -- I was just trying to lighten the mood.
They say that humour during a time of crisis --

KEKO
Why don’t you go to the morgue, MacDonald,
get laid, and leave us to the detecting.

MACDONALD
Fuck you, Keko -- you’re just pissed off
cause your wife went bearded clam-digging.
(bad Brit accent)
Shall we shag-carpet-munch now,
or should we shag-carpet munch later?

The detectives chuckle.

LIPSHITZ
SHUT UP.

Silence.

LIPSHITZ
Now pay attention -- this one’s a doozy.

He goes to a boombox, punches a button.
The sexy coo of Donna Summer’s
LOVE TO LOVE YOU BABY oozes into the room.

LIPSHITZ
Dammit.

COLACCHIO
Love the gay disco, chief.
Somethin’ you wanna tell us?

LIPSHITZ
Fuck you. It’s my daughter’s --
(changes CDs)
Okay. Now everybody shut the fuck up.

Lipshitz hits the ‘play’ button.

The Ramones come on,
the catchy pop-punk of PET SEMATARY.

JOEY RAMONE
(singing)
I don’t want to be buried, in a pet cemetery,
I don’t want to live my life again --

The music fades, and we hear --

SPARKLE (V.O.)
(sings along)
And the night when the wolves cry out,
listen careful, and you can hear me shout --
I don’t I don’t want to be buried,
in a pet cemetery --
(giggles)
Thanks for tuning in.
It’s time to par-tay, dog-gone it.
(laughs)
Damn, I crack myself up. Gotta watch that.
A shredded corpse is no laughing matter,
isn’t that right, awficer?
(sings)
Hey, officer Krupke,
I feel pretty, oh so pretty --

KEKO
Broad babbles more than Courtney Love on crank.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Paramount Pictures released
PET SEMATARY in 1988, a solid base hit.
The ten million dollar budget was well spent,
considering that it grossed
twenty-five million domestically --
and that’s not counting international
and ancillary revenues.
(beat)
Steven King doesn’t consider it to be
a good adaptation of his novel,
since the director went with a semi-comedic tone,
which hurts the scare factor, I must say.
(beat)
But still, it’s good, clean, sick fun.
A personal fave. Two thumbs up my vag,
thas’ fah shure.
(beat)
Today’s installation is an example
of what happens when a petty little dog turd
uses his power over people.
Well, this is the end of the line,
chopping down the family cherry tree, bub.
Buster Hymen time.
(spooky)
Don’t forget -- to spay and neuter your pet.

Then, the sickly sound of a
knife making rapid puncture wounds --
THWIK-THWIK-THWIK-THWIK-THWIK-THWIK-THWIK-THWIK.

A chill runs through the room.
Keko leans forward, in shock.

LIPSHITZ
Here’s where it really gets good --

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Film is a collaborative art --
but since I’m an orphan,
I need parenting, guidance.
A firm, loving hand to --
to stop me before I --
(beat)
I’ve got my adoption papers.
Can the 42nd Precinct’s golden couple
save me before the end of the third act?

KEKO
Holy shit.

LIPSHITZ
Whaddaya think, Daddy?

KEKO
I think -- I gotta go find Carrie.

LIPSHITZ
First go take a look at the body.
And brace yourself.
Crime scene tech still
can’t keep anything down.

PUSH IN on Bernie’s face.
Not excited.

Lady Dick

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 13 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty finds her next victim ... at the video store. Meanwhile, suspended homicide dick Carrie Love gets some assistance from a former flame ...


INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
Sparkle cruises the aisles.
Home at last.

A SIGN
reads CULT.

SPARKLE
picks out a video, examines it.

THE TAPE
reads in glorious Technicolor,
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.

SPARKLE
makes a face. Nope.

SPARKLE
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Again.

ANOTHER VIDEO
reads THE HONEYMOON KILLERS.

SPARKLE
rolls her eyes. As if.

SPARKLE
Kitch me with a spoon.

DISSOLVE TO:

Movie art.
Shimmering with light.
PET SEMATARY.

Sparkle hugs it to her chest.
Absolutely delighted.

SPARKLE
See Spot. See Spot run.
(beat)
See Spot’s brains
splattered in the street.

AT THE COUNTER
A snotty, HIPSTER CLERK
looks at Sparkle’s selections.

HIPSTER CLERK
'Pet Sematary.' Funny movie.
Props to Mary Lambert.

SPARKLE
(weird smile)
Watch it, bub.
Comedy isn’t pretty.
It can kill ya.

HIPSTER CLERK
(looks at the register)
You’re, uh -- credit card declined.

SPARKLE
No way. Do it again.
Machine’s fucked up.

HIPSTER CLERK
I’ve tried it twice, doll.
You’re maxed. Tough toenails.

SPARKLE
(too nice)
Well then, you have a -- great day,
there, Mister.

EXT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
Sparkle lies in wait in the
rear alley behind a dumpster.

SPARKLE
We guarantee. You’ll go home happy.

The back door opens.
Out walks Mr. Cool.

Sparkle JUMPS him.
JABS a STUN GUN to his neck.

SPARKLE
I wanna talk to you
about your late return policy.

And the clerk hits the ground, THWUNK.

EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
From a distance we see Dina
chatting with her GUCCI ATTORNEY.
Definitely the 'big guns.'

CARRIE
charges outside, muttering to herself.

CARRIE
Why don’t you just whip them out,
see who’s got the bigger --

She sees Dina. Stops.

The brunette beauty
and her lawyer shake hands.
He leaves.

Dina sees Carrie.
Turns, briskly goes to her car.

CARRIE
turns around. Sprints off toward --

A SURVEILLANCE SUV
A tricked-out monstrosity
with blackened windows.

Carrie RAPS a drumbeat.
Then again.

The door opens with a PFFUT, and --

Out pops ILONA RAMIREZ,
a curvy bullet of a woman
stuffed into a leather catsuit.
Armed to the gills. Packing, too.

ILONA
Hey there, spitfire.
What’cha got on the grill?

CARRIE
I need to borrow your van.
(pulls out wad of cash)
Rent it, actually. I’m on hiatus.

ILONA
I told you, it’s not a van,
it’s a fuckin’ SUV, girlfren --
got eight cylinders, microwave DSL,
heat-seaking stealth mikes.
This is the law enforcement shit, lady dick.

CARRIE
Please accept my profuse apologies --
(ton of subtext)
Ilona.

ILONA
Put away the bankroll. I’m driving.

CARRIE
This could be dangerous, Lona.

ILONA
Yeah, right.
That’s what you said that night
on the beach in San Juan.

CARRIE
Don’t remind me.
I’m still having lower back problems --

Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking FRIDAY. Are you ready for the weak-end? It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 12 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love gets in hot water with her boss, Chief Larry Lipshitz, much to the delight of her former partner Bernie Keko. Meanwhile, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty takes a trip to the video store for inspiration ...


INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS - CORRIDOR - EXIT - NIGHT
Larry chases after Carrie and Bernie.

LIPSHITZ
I hate surprises, Legs.
Tell me what she said.

CARRIE
(pushes the door open)
We can’t tell you yet, Lare --
don’t want to let the cat out of her pants.
But I promise, when I do --
you’ll be the first to know.

KEKO
(blocks the door)
She’s lying, Carrie.
You’re so full of shit
it makes my head spin.
(to Larry)
We got bupkiss, chief.

CARRIE
Bupkiss? Nice vocabulary.
Get the fuck out of my way.

KEKO
Nice mouth. Officer.
(to Larry)
She promised Miss Range Rover immunity --
and all she did was give up her boss.

CARRIE
I’ll give you something
if you don’t get out of my way.

LIPSHITZ
Stay right there, you too.
You’ve got some ‘splaining to do.

CARRIE
The Ricky Ricardo routine isn’t
gonna work this time, chief.
Just let me do my job.
Don’t I always get results?

Pause.

LIPSHITZ
I like you Carrie, I really like you.
In spite of your attitude, your insults,
your total disregard for procedure --
I like you.
(beat)
That’s why this kills me.
But I’m afraid I’m going to have to
ask for your badge and your gun.
You’re suspended for a week.

CARRIE
What?

KEKO
Yes!

CARRIE
You’re suspending me?

LIPSHITZ
Like a Catholic girl who’s been caught
with her hand in the cookie puss.
(beat)
Your badge and your gun, Carrie. Please.

She bitterly, painfully -- hands them over.

LIPSHITZ
You wanna know what the straw was
that bent the camel’s dick?

CARRIE
To be honest with you, Lare --
I could really give a shit.
There’s a copycat serial killer
working her way through
the hot 100 movie murders --
and you’re gonna take me out of the game?

LIPSHITZ
Consider it a seventh-inning stretch.
(beat)
Daerr’s lawyer hit the roof.
You kept the ice princess
in a holding cell for an hour --
and then an interrogation room for three.
Without counsel. A phone call.
Or a trip to the fucking head.
When the shyster finally got to her,
after her father called him --
she’d wet her pants.

KEKO
That’s a shame. Those were nice pants.

CARRIE
I was trying a new strategy.

KEKO
Nicotine withdrawal’s a bitch.
And so are you.

LIPSHITZ
Do you know who the fuck her father is?

CARRIE
Some rich asshole?

LIPSHITZ
Think dinosaurs.
Feel-good concentration camp comedies.
Cuddly, sexless aliens.

PUSH IN on Carrie’s face.
Light bulb flickering.

DISSOLVE TO:

An E.T. T-SHIRT. Faded. Original owner.

CAMERA pulls back to reveal --

INT. FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - CORRIDOR - NIGHT
The shirt is worn by a PRETTY MEXICAN MAID (18).
She pushes a cart in front of Sparkle’s door. KNOCK-KNOCKS.

IN THE BATHROOM
Bruce jerks against his restraints.
BANG, BANGS on the pipe.

IN THE HALLWAY
The maid hears something, but --

ANGRY MALE BOSS (O.S.)
Effie! I toldya to clean up the bathroom in 12 --
the crime scene is gone,
and you gotta get the brains right away,
before they hard’n up.

PUSH IN ON the maid’s face.
She closes her eyes.

IN THE BATHROOM

CLOSE ON --
Bruce’s eyes. Bugged out.
In terror -- and tears.

CLOSE ON --
A pair of frightened eyes -- on a poster.

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.

CAMERA pulls back to reveal --

INT. VIDEO STORE - NIGHT
Sparkle cruises the aisles.
Home at last.

A SIGN
reads CULT.

SPARKLE
picks out a video, examines it.

THE TAPE
reads in glorious Technicolor,
THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.

SPARKLE
makes a face. Nope.

SPARKLE
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Again.

Stump The Chick

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 11 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty prepares to kill her next victim, porn director Bruce Ball. Meanwhile, homicide detective Carrie Love questions Ball's production VP, Dina Daerr, using a most unusual 'interrogation technique' ...


INT. FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - BATHROOM - DAY
Some perverse Serge Gainsbourg 60’s go-go groove over --

Bruce Ball gagged and handcuffed
under a SCALDING HOT SHOWER.
Twisting and turning in agony
in a cloud of steam.

Sparkle talks into a microcassette
in her glitter-nailed fist.

In the other, a big, shiny BUTCHER KNIFE.

SPARKLE
PSYCHO was released by
Universal Pictures in 1960.
It made forty-million at the box office,
a big hit back then,
especially for a black and white picture.
It made a star out of Tony Perkins --
and gave us the Bates Motel,
where check-out time is for good.

A muffled SCREAM under the duct tape.

SPARKLE
And that’s our victim.
A petty, immature little man with a big mouth.
Someone who looks at women as objects --
not as people.

A loud KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK at the door.

ISRAELI MANAGER (O.S.)
Miss Plenty! Turn yo-ur museek down!
I’m not goink to tell yoo again!

AT THE DOOR
she opens it a crack against the tiny chain.

SPARKLE
Oh gosh, I’m sorry Mr. Shlomo --
I guess I got that disco fever again.
I’ll keep it down, I promise.

ISRAELI MANAGER (O.S.)
Yoo better!
Else yoo have to leave, yoo hear me?
Yoo play that weird music, too loud,
alla time, too loud!

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY
Dina sits alone at a table.
She picks up a pack of smokes.
Empty. SLAPS them down.

CARRIE (O.S.)
She’s going nuts by now.
It’s been three hours.

KEKO (O.S.)
Withholding nicotine.
Don’t remember learning that one
at the Academy.

Dina stands.
Walks over to mirror
filling the opposite wall.

Regards her reflection.
Adjusts her hair.

DINA
(to the mirror)
I know you’re back there.
I want my lawyer.
This is unconstitutional.

BEHIND THE MIRROR
in the darkness backlit
by the interrogation lamps --

KEKO
You hear that?
Lipshitz is gonna pass a kidney stone.
We can’t just hold her and not question her.

CARRIE
(looks at her watch)
Yes we can.
She’s gonna spill her guts
faster than a horny heiress
on a Barbara Walters special.
(beat, to the door)
C’mon -- let’s play 'stump the chick.'

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Carrie lights a smoke, takes a deep drag.
Exhales. Smiles.

CARRIE
You’re full of crap.
Someone killed Miss Runner-Up,
wanted to kill you --
and we both know who it was.
I’ve heard of loyalty to your boss --
but this is bordering on the domestic.

DINA
Bruce didn’t do it.
This white trash Paris Hilton --

KEKO
-- Just wandered in, killed your actress,
and hung you up like a pinata
while Zalman King made his getaway?

DINA
Fuck you. I want to call my lawyer.

Carrie shakes out a smoke.
Teases her with it.

CARRIE
Shhhhh. Don’t worry.
I know you’re innocent. I can smell it.
(holds it up to her nose)
Mmm. Even better after sex --

Something passes between them.
Dina GRABS the Marlboro. Carrie lights it.

DINA
You promise me immunity?
Cut me a deal?

CARRIE
Is Lindsay Lohan back on Rodeo Drive?

DINA
Okay. Okay. Okay.
(takes a drag, orgasmic)
We were supposed to be
shooting a fake snuff film,
Bruce said we were using blanks,
but what he didn’t tell me was --

INT. FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - BATHROOM - AT THE SAME TIME
Bruce lies in the tub, trussed up like a pig on a spit.
He moans. Sparkle leans over, blows him a kiss.

SPARKLE
Playing with you is like
eating a box of chocolates.
(beat)
Afterwards you gotta
stick your fingers down your throat.
(beat)
Now don’t move a muscle,
Mr. Murder victim.
I want you to stay right here
while I go shopping.
I’m gonna bring home a big surprise --

One Hell Of A Freak

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking Hump Day. And you know that means, right? It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 10 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide dicks Carrie Love and Bernie Keko search for clues in the basement studio of director Bruce Ball, and make a most grisly discovery ...


EXT./INT. CARRIE’S PORCHE - DAY
A surf-guitar cop theme percolates under the action.
The ‘61 coupe whizzes around curves on Sunset Boulevard.

CARRIE
(on cell phone)
I’ve got a score to settle with him,
the little fucker. I can’t wait to --

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

EXT./INT. BERNIE’S LINCOLN SUV - CONTINUOUS

KEKO
(on cell phone)
What? Rough him up a little?
Punch out his lights?
Do the tough girl,
macho cop thing you do so well?

CARRIE
I seem to remember a time
you liked the tough girl,
macho cop thing.
Used to beg me for it.

KEKO
That was the problem, Carrie --
having to beg.

CARRIE
Well, you know what they say
about passion, bucko.
(beat)
Sometimes you feel like nuts --
sometimes you don’t.

CLOSE ON --
Carrie’s face.

She smiles mysteriously,
goes off somewhere.
Remembering --

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - DRIVEWAY - FLASHBACK - DAY
Carrie stands at her car. Opens the door. Slides in.

LAURA (O.S.)
So you’re going to leave
without saying goodbye.

LAURA
stands in front of the house
at the top of the steps.
Mock-hurt. Insinuating.
Hands on hips.

CARRIE
turns, looks. Gulp.

CARRIE
(heart beating wildly)
I was looking for you,
but you were -- you were --

Suddenly Laura’s right beside her.

LAURA
Working?

CARRIE
Uh -- yeah.

Laura leans into the car window.
Inches away.

LAURA
I’m going to Club Fuck tonight.
I’ll be with a date, but it’s a ruse.
(beat)
Doing anything tonight?

EXT. BALL’S PRODUCTION OFFICE - DRIVEWAY - DAY
Carrie and Bernie get out of their cars.
SLAM the doors.

CARRIE
And here we are.
'The House of Mirth.'

KEKO
It looks so -- suburban.

They walk to the door.
Carrie RINGS the doorbell.

KEKO
I wish we had a warrant.

CARRIE
(rings again)
Fuck the warrant. We’re going in.

They look at the door. No response.

CARRIE
(pushes the door open)
C’mon, maybe we can catch
the little shit in the act.

INT. BALL’S PRODUCTION OFFICE - BASEMENT STAIRS - CONTINUOUS
Twin flashlights sweep across the darkness.
Carrie and Bernie creep down the wooden steps.

CARRIE
Little perverts’ got
quite a setup goin’ on here.

KEKO
Think this guy saw
'Silence of the Lambs?'

CARRIE
Found it.

The lights SNAP ON.

KEKO
Holy fuck.

IN THE CORNER
is the dead MODEL,
still in her chair.
A bloody puppet.

A clapboard on her lap reads
52 PICK-UP. DELETED SCENE.

CARRIE (O.S.)
I think I’m gonna be sick.

KEKO (O.S.)
Fuck, there’s another one.

IN THE OPPOSITE CORNER
Dina dangles from a noose.
Dressed like a cheerleader.

Eyes closed forever.
And the poor baby wet her pants.

A clapboard on her waist
reads HEATHERS. BLOOPER REEL.

CARRIE’S
lips quiver. Livid.
About to explode.

CARRIE
Of all the twisted --
fucked up -- depraved --

KEKO
The killer’s one hell of a freak.

CARRIE
This goes way beyond that.
She thinks she’s creating -- art.

Carrie goes to
the gently swinging body.


KEKO
Don’t touch her.
She’s evidence.

But she does.
And flinches.

CARRIE
And still warm.

KEKO
Check her pulse.

Dina’s eyes SNAP open.

DINA
My pulse is fine.
But my neck is
fucking killing me.

DISSOLVE TO:

A MAN’S NECK
sprayed under a torrent of hot water.
CAMERA pulls back to reveal --

INT. FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - BATHROOM - DAY
Some perverse Serge Gainsbourg 60’s go-go groove over --

Bruce Ball gagged and handcuffed
under a SCALDING HOT SHOWER.

Twisting and turning in agony
in a cloud of steam.

Take Me To Your Soundstage

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 9 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, director Bruce Ball and production VP Dina Daerr shoot what at first only looks like snuff film, only to get interrupted by teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty ...


INT. BALL’S PRODUCTION OFFICE - BASEMENT - DAY
The PRETTY MODEL we saw earlier
testing for the beer ad is now
naked, gagged and tied to a chair.

A scrap of plywood across her chest.
Eyes screaming pure, animal terror.

Bruce frames the scene
through a digital video camera.

BRUCE
The lamp. Move it just a little more.

DINA makes the adjustment.

DINA
This is gonna look so real.
(looks at the model)
I mean, check it out.
She really thinks she’s gonna die.

BRUCE
Shhh. Suspend your disbelief.
(beat)
Places, please.

Dina goes to the table.
Faces the bim.

BRUCE (O.S.)
And -- action.

CAMERA POV
The statuesque beauty slowly
removes her lux jacket --

Revealing an hourglass shape in a merry widow.
And a black leather shoulder holster.

She reaches behind, slides out the Magnum --
and takes aim.

The Model jerks against the ropes,
muffled gagging screams.

DINA
(with relish)
By the power invested in me,
I now declare you to be a
complete waste of human life.
You did not cherish,
honor or obey -- anything.
You spent your days chasing
fame, fortune and the almighty dollar.
(beat)
I now sentence you to the
swift end of a pathetic life.
Your final gift to humanity
will be this short film --
a sacrifice to the dark angel we pray to.

BANG. BANG. BANG.

CLOSE ON --
The model slumped over in the chair.
Bullet holes in the wood.
Blood seeping down her body.

DINA (O.S.)
Oh my god! Holy shit! Holy fuck!
I’ve shot her! You said we were using blanks!

BRUCE
stares in disbelief.
Then, the barest hint of smile.

BRUCE
We were -- I thought we were.
(beat)
At least now we know it looks realistic.

DINA
Realistic? Realistic!?
I just fucking killed someone!

A doorbell RINGS.

BRUCE
Shit.

EXT. BALL’S PRODUCTION OFFICE - FRONT DOOR - CONTINUOUS
It’s SPARKLE. Looking more than a little cute
in overall shorties, platform clogs, hair in ponytails.

She presses the button again.

SPARKLE
I’ll huff and I’ll puff,
and I’ll blow your pants down.

She giggles.

IN THE BASEMENT
BRUCE
(goes to the door)
Calm down, calm down, calm down.
Stay here with the -- girl.
I’ll get rid of whoever it is.
Then we’ll come up with a plan.

DINA
That’s what you said
on that shoot in Darfur.

IN THE FOYER
Sparkle confronts Bruce
with her splendor.

SPARKLE
I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to interrupt anything.

BRUCE
No, not at all. I’m glad you came by.
We were just downstairs shooting someone.
Something. Shooting something.

SPARKLE
Cool. You still wanna -- shoot me?

BRUCE
I do, I do -- but now’s not a good time.
This actress, is uh -- difficult, and --

Sparkle whips out handcuffs --
and SNAP, click. Gotcha.

Pulls out a DERRINGER.
Aims, cocks it.

SPARKLE
Tough toenails.
Take me to your soundstage.
I’ve got a score to settle with you,
mini-man.

My So-Called Fuck

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. Are you ready for the work-weak? Then it's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detectives -- and ex-lovers -- Carrie Love and Bernie Keko listen to an audiotape that teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty left at the scene of her latest murder, and grudgingly start working together to solve the case ...


INT. POLICE PRECINCT - LIPSHITZ’S OFFICE - DAY
Carrie and Bernie sit across
from Larry at this desk.
They examine a stack of photos.

CARRIE
That’s a lot of catgut.
It’s as if the killer
wanted her to look like a doll.
What kind of sick fuck
does this to a ten-year-old?

KEKO
A perverted, pyscho-sexual
sick fuck, that’s who.
I studied this at the academy --
this kinda guy gets off on --

CARRIE
What makes you so sure it’s a guy?
(shoves photo in his face)
It’s obvious that this is
the work of a female.
Look at that stitching.

LIPSHITZ
(shouts)
Can it, you two --
people are dead!
This is the most horrific
crime wave in our city’s history --
these ‘reimaginations’ of
famous film fatalities
are the shame of our modern age,
a blight on our
collective consciousness --
which we have to put to an end.
We must find this madman.
(beat)
Or madwoman.

CARRIE
Nice speech, Lare --
you thinking of running for office?

LIPSHITZ
There was an audiocassette
left at the scene. Listen up.

He reaches around, punches
a button on his boom box.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Ah-hem. Testing, testing.
Is this on?
(giggles)
Okay.
(beat)
‘Silence of the Lambs’
grossed 130 million in 1991,
and swept the Oscars.
Pretty good for a
suspense-horror flick about
a cannibal, don’tcha think?
Buh-bye, Ghandi.
Not my underwear, Rain Main.
See ya later, Gladiator.
(beat)
Since this puppies’ been
sequeled to death,
this stunning tableau
is from my original fan fiction.
So I posit this query to you,
my beloved audience --
what if my man Hannibal
had a little sister?
I call this installation
‘Hannah Lecter. My so-called fuck.’
(beat)
For investor relations, a press kit,
or other inquiries,
please contact my manager,
Bruce Ball at Miracle Pictures --
where 'if it’s a good film,
it’s a miracle.'

Larry punches it off.
Looks at Carrie and Bernie.

CARRIE
I love it when I’m right.

KEKO
The woman’s voice.
I’ve heard it before.

CARRIE
Me, too. Recently.

They exchange looks.

KEKO
We’ve got Ilona analyzing the tape.
The background noise indicates
that it was recorded above a nightclub.

CARRIE
Well, that narrows it down.
(beat)
What if I told you
Ball’s not involved?
That miss Movie Phone
is acting alone?

KEKO
Now that’s a stretch --
some chick killed
two dozen people
all by herself?

LIPSHITZ
Can it with the misogyny, Bernie.
I need you two to go pick up Balls.
It’s all we’ve got to go on.

CARRIE
Ball. His name is Ball.

LIPSHITZ
I knew that.

CARRIE
(to Bernie)
Come one, former flame, let’s book.
We got a testicle to pick up.

KEKO
(motions)
Ladies first.
She regards him coolly.
Doesn’t move.

He shrugs, goes for the door.
Carrie follows.

LIPSHITZ
You’re just bringing him
in for questioning.
I don’t want any more
of your hijinks.

EXT. POLICE PRECINCT - PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
Carrie and Bernie each go to their cars,
parked side-by-side.

KEKO
We’ll take my car.

CARRIE
Sorry. Don’t do the
penis extension thing.
SUV-intolerant.

KEKO
You’re going to make this
as difficult as possible, huh.

CARRIE
Hey -- hijinks ensue.

Make My Grande

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking FRIDAY. Are you ready for the weak-end? Then it's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Due to technical problems, Blogger didn't put yesterday's chapter up, so I'm re-posting it today ...

In chapter 7 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detectives Carrie Love and Bernie Keko go for coffee and get served by future serial-killer-to-be Sparkle Plenty, who decides she has 'plans for them.' We then flash back to Sparkle's troubled childhood, where she was a child beauty pageant victim ...


INT. THE COFFEE BEAN CAFE - DAY
Sparkle stands behind the counter
in uniform getting training
from the MANAGER, a flaming queen.

SPARKLE
(brightly)
I’m the bastard, inbred offspring
of trailer trash from a town so poor,
Sunday dinner was the junkyard cat.
(beat)
Let me guess. I’d say you’re from --
the east coast. Massachusetts, Connecticut.
One of those Kennedy states.

MANAGER
That’s -- horrible.
You’re kidding me, right?

Her smile betrays nothing.
A phone rings in the back.

MANAGER (CONT’D)
I’m from Hyannisport, actually.
But how did you --

Ring. Ring. Ring --

SPARKLE
You better get that.
It could be Stephen Cannell’s office
with a big order.

MANAGER
(as he leaves)
Yeah -- uh, just help out the customers.
I’ll be right back.

SPARKLE
(low, to herself)
Go ahead. Make my gran-day.

Carrie and Bernie walk in.

SPARKLE’S POV
They glow in a dreamy amber light,
glide in slow-motion.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Well, fuck me bloody and
hang me on a cross -- they’re perfect.

CARRIE AND BERNIE - REAL TIME
come up to the counter.

KEKO
I think you set a record
for having your cover blown, doll-face.

CARRIE
Stuff it, Bernie, I’m not in the mood.
Larry put me on this case,
so just back off, boogalo.
(beat)
The little twerp owned the building
where we found that dead, tortured
yoga teacher in the basement dungeon.
I tailed the fucker for a week,
but he was clean.
I coulda sworn he never saw me.
(to Sparkle)
I’ll have a grande mochachino
with a triple bullshot, please.

Sparkle nods, writes it down.

KEKO
(to Carrie)
Drink much caffeine?

CARRIE
Mind your own fucking business. Order.

SPARKLE
(to Bernie)
Yes, officer -- what can I get you?

KEKO
Officer? How did you know I was --

SPARKLE
That haircut? Those shoes?
This is the Sunset Strip, mister.
Where’d you buy that suit?
Ross Dress for Less?
(beat)
Wait a minute, let me guess.
Coffee. Black. Four sugars.
(beat)
Don’t worry, this is a
donut joke-free zone.

She smiles strangely,
goes to the coffee machine.

KEKO
Uh -- no, wait --
(looks at menu above)
I’ll have a -- decaf iced latte,
little lady.

Sparkle reacts like she’s been stabbed.

CARRIE
Ooh. Macho.
KEKO

Shut up. It’s hot out,
I want something cool.
(to Sparkle)
And I’m buying. How much?

SPARKLE
(mumbles to herself)
I’m not your little lady.

KEKO
I’m sorry?

SPARKLE
I said -- that’ll be seven-eighty.

INT. SPARKLE’S TRAILER - FLASHBACK - DAY
Title card reads SIX YEARS EARLIER.

Dot yells at Roscoe, waves a receipt in his face.

DOT
Seven-eighty? For a pack of smokes?

ROSCOE
We were celebratin,
I won the Camelot super-buck scratch-off.
Jimmy said Dunhills were the best.
Said the Rock smokes ‘em.

DOT
The Rock! The Fucking Rock?!
You and your dumb-ass loser friends!
No wonder we’re fuckin’ broke!

She grabs a saucepan off the stove.
Greasy food splatters.

ROSCOE
Hey -- be careful with that.

DOT
Let fuckin’ Jimmy fix yer supper!

She flings the pan at him.
He ducks, runs away --
as it hits the wall with a CLANG,
food spraying everywhere.

ROSCOE (O.S.)
Fucking crazy, psycho cunt!

Dot chases after him, into --

INT. TRAILER - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
But Roscoe’s gone. The front door
swings open in the breeze.

Dot holds her head,
the sudden movement causing a reaction.

DOT
Whoa, head rush.
(sits on the couch, calls out)
Sparkle? You dressed yet?
Mommy wants to see her little beauty queen.

Sparkle (10) appears as if by magic.
Painted, tarted up. Very Jon-Benet.
Holding a tiara.

SPARKLE
(softly)
I hate it when you guys fight.

DOT
Never mind that.
Put on the crown.
I wanna see how it looks
on my pretty little princess.

She does.
Looks like she’s about to cry.

DOT
(beaming)
Now that’s my little lady.
Come over here and sit on Mommy’s lap.

As if in a trance,
the little girl does. Trembling.

DOT
(strokes her hair)
That’s my little lady.
My pretty little girlie.
(hand on her thigh)
You ready for the
pageant tomorrow?
You been practicing
yer baton twirlin’?
(off her terrified nod)
That’s a good girl.
Such a good girl.
(hand goes up her dress)
My little lady.
My pretty little doll --

Daisy Dykes

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Carrie Love goes undercover on a porn shoot, and meets the girl of her dreams, porn star Laura Lang ... and then gets busted by the director.


INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - FOYER - DAY
Laura stands at her mark in a cheap Chanel knock-off
that flies off her curves. Studies her lines.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It was one of those moments
that only happen a couple
of times in your life.
If you’re lucky.
All of a sudden I was
face to face with the
most incredibly stunning creature
I’d ever seen.

LAURA
(off the script, without feeling)
'Oh my god. It’s so fucking huge.
I don’t think I can take it all.'
(closes her eyes, memorizing)
'Oh my god. It’s so fucking huge -- '

Carrie watches. Stopped in her tracks.

LAURA
Fuck.

CARRIE
(stupid smile)
I don’t think I can take it all.

LAURA
(opens eyes)
What?

CARRIE
The rest of the line.

LAURA
Oh. Right.

They both stare.

CARRIE
Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.
I was just passing through --

Chemistry percolates.
A clock CHIMES somewhere.

LAURA
You’re -- visiting someone?

CARRIE
(trying to be casual, not successful)
Yeah, uh -- Zette, the make up girl?

LAURA
(intense smile)
So you’re 'Legs.'

CARRIE
(blushing)
Uh, yeah. Actually, it’s -- Carrie.

LAURA
I see why.

CARRIE
I’m sorry?

Klaus charges in.

KLAUS
Laura, there you are.
We’re ready to do the, uh --
strap-on thing.

LAURA
Oh, alright. If you insist.
(to Carrie)
And you, Miss Legs.
(a whisper)
I need to have a word with you -- later.

CARRIE
Uh, yeah --sure thing.
(beat)
A -- word.
(beat)
Later.

INT. THE PLEASURE CHEST - DAY
Sparkle looks at a boxed strap-on harness.
Makes a face. Continues down the aisle,
until she sees --

CHROME HANDCUFFS. 'Police issue.'
She smiles, reaches for them.

A MALE VOICE behind her --

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
Are those for work -- or play?

Sparkle turns, faces the intruder.
It’s BRUCE BALL. Smiling.

SPARKLE
They’re for a movie.

BRUCE
A movie, huh? Isn’t that funny.
I’m in the movie business myself.
Commercials, mostly -- for now.

SPARKLE
(deadly serious)
It’s an industry town.

Pause.

BRUCE
Yeah. So, listen -- here’s my card.
I’m always casting something.
You’ve got a nice look.

She stares. Ignores the card.

SPARKLE
What do I look like? Talent?

INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - KITCHEN - DAY
Carrie and Zette get coffee,
scope out the craft services.

CARRIE
-- And I said, 'what do I look like? Talent?'

ZETTE
Vat do you expect when you come to
the porno dressed like Daisy Dykes?

CARRIE
I’m dressed like this cause
it’s a fucking hundred degrees
out here in this cultural wasteland.

Pause.

ZETTE
(takes her hand)
I had fun the other night.
Glad you came.

CARRIE
Me, too. Several times, actually.
(awkward)
Listen, there’s something I gotta tell you.

A MALE VOICE is heard in the doorway.

MALE VOICE (O.S.)
You mean she doesn’t know you’re a cop?

Zette and Carrie look. It’s Bruce.

BRUCE
A plainclothes homicide detective,
I believe?

ZETTE
You’re a cop?

CARRIE
I was going to tell you.
(to Bruce)
Bruce Ball? What a surprise.
What are you doing here?

BRUCE
I’m the director of the film.

CARRIE
FILM? I thought this was a porno.

BRUCE
We in the industry prefer the term
'adult film.'

CARRIE
'Adult film?' Oxymoron much?

Nightstick Games

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty checks into The Farmer's Daughter Motel on the wrong end of Hollywood. Meanwhile, detective Carrie Love leaves to go undercover on the porn shoot, but first gets into a tiff with her ex, detective Bernie Keko.


EXT. THE FARMER’S DAUGHTER MOTEL - NIGHT
Beyond crappy. Behind a plexiglass box,
the FAT ASIAN CLERK (30)
regards a filthy Sparkle warily.

SPARKLE
Hey there, hot stuff.
How much is it?

FAT ASIAN CLERK
For the night
or for the hour?

SPARKLE
Don’t make me laugh, ton o’ wonton.
I bet the Chamber of Commerce
would love to hear how you greet
a tired visitor to this wondrous city.

Spooked, he slides over the registration.
She fills it out.

FAT ASIAN CLERK
It’s thirty-nine dollars
a night, in advance.
No cooking, no guests, no pets.
You can use the pool,
but after eight
we’re not responsible.
Read the sign.

She hands him the card and some cash.

FAT ASIAN CLERK
Check out time is eleven.
No exceptions.

SPARKLE
All I need is soap and water
and fresh towels.
(takes key, turns to leave)
Thanks -- grasshopper.

FAT ASIAN CLERK
(reads the card)
Your name is -- 'Sparkle Plenty?'

SPARKLE
You don’t want to know
what they named my brother.
(beat, weird smile)
G’night, flat-top.

EXT. POLICE PRECINCT - NIGHT
Carrie strides out the front door,
Bernie right behind her.

CARRIE
Good night, flat-foot.

KEKO
I’m coming with you.

CARRIE
No you’re not.
(reaches her car, opens the door)
If I’m gonna get in there,
I gotta be alone.
(jumps in, slams it shut)
And I certainly don’t wanna be
seen on the set with my ex.
Hampers the 'getting laid quotient.'

She GUNS the engine.
Bernie races around
to the passenger side,
tries the door. Locked.

KEKO
Open the door, you --

Carrie cracks the window.

CARRIE
You had your shot, Bernie,
and it fucking kills you
that I defected to the other side.
And now it’s interfering with
your judgement at work.
Go do something --
check the crime scene,
get a burger, jerk off,
I don’t care.
Now, if you’ll excuse me,
I’ve got to pick up my HIV test --
(beat)
Can’t get on set without it.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - DAY
Carrie stands at the front door.
Regards the opulence.
She looks smokin’ in a halter,
cutoffs and platform sandals.

CARRIE (V.O.)
My contact’s name was Zette Duquesne.
She was a nice girl,
came from a rich French family,
descended from royalty.
Until she was busted with
a shitload of coke driving naked
on Mulholland Drive at five AM.
(beat)
Of course,
I didn’t know that the night
I picked her up at Girl Bar.
Didn’t know she worked
in the porn industry, either.
No wonder she asked
if I had handcuffs.
(beat)
Lucky for me I never
told her I was a cop.
Wasn’t in the mood
for nightstick games.
Just wanted plain,
French vanilla, thank you --

Like Chunks In Sauce

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking MONDAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, when police chief Larry Lipshitz puts homicide detective Carrie Love on the 'copycat movie killer' case, she's horrified to discover that her new partner is her ex, detective Bernie Keko, but is pleased to find out she has to go 'undercover' ... at a porn shoot.


INT. POLICE PRECINCT - SQUAD ROOM - DAY
Carrie’s being grilled by
homicide detective BERNIE KEKO (40s),
Armenian, good-looking on a budget,
an angry Russell Crowe-type.

With a sense of humor.

CARRIE (V.O.)
That’s my soon-to-be
ex-husband Bernie.
A decent guy --
when he’s not being
a stubborn, jealous mass
of insecure testosterone.

CLOSE ON --
Bernie’s face.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Can’t really blame him, though.
Imagine how you would feel
if you found out your woman
was leaving you --
for another woman.
(beat)
Bad example.
Half of you probably
just got aroused.

KEKO
You’re drinking
on duty again, Legs.
You smell like you
went down on Jim Beam.
And that’s the third vehicle
you’ve trashed this month.
You’ve used up all
your second chances, babe.
Lipshitz is gonna can
that tight little ass of yours.

CARRIE
Hey, it’s not gonna be believable
if my breath smells
like fucking Aquafresh.
It’s called undercover, hello?
I can’t sit there
sucking on a wheat grass smoothie,
for chrissakes.
And as for the car,
I was chasing a perp.
Can I help it if Venice Beach
is so treacherous?
In case you didn’t notice --
I got the collar!

Police chief LARRY LIPSHITZ (50s)
strolls in. Weary. Seen it all.
Small and round.

In a perfect universe --
Danny DeVito.

LIPSHITZ
You two.
I could hear you
all the way down the hall
in the can.
(beat)
Only place I can get
any peace around here.

KEKO
She started it.

CARRIE
Don’t look at me, chief --
I’m just kneeling at the
altar of Sipowitz here.

LIPSHITZ
Bernie, you gotta grieving widow
waiting for you upstairs.
(to Carrie)
And you, Miss Legs --
you’re off the homeless thing.

CARRIE
What? You can’t --

KEKO
(grins, starts toward the door)
I told you --

CARRIE
But I almost have that fucker.

LIPSHITZ
I’m putting you on the
copycat movie killer thing.

KEKO
(stops, whirls around)
Hey, that’s my case.

CARRIE
Yeah, that’s his case.

LIPSHITZ
Correction, it’s both your case’s now.
We’ve got three more bodies
sprayed like chunks in sauce
on a porn soundstage in the valley.
The press is having a fucking field day --
and the commissioner is so far up my ass,
my prostrate is deciding on a bridal registry.
We need someone on the inside.
(off Carrie’s look)
Pun intended.
CARRIE
On the inside where?
A porn shoot?

LIPSHITZ
Yeah. Ilona found a guy on the ‘net
that shoots amateur videos --
and what look like fake snuff films.
Remember Bruce Ball?
The guy you were after last year
on that S&M reality show thing?
We think he might be the perp.
(beat)
And Duquesne says he just started
principal photography.

CARRIE
And, what -- you want me to
spread my legs for truth,
justice and the eight-o’clock news?

KEKO
Why do you think they call you
a 'piece officer?'

CARRIE
You expecting the lame
‘undercover’ joke?
(to Larry)
I’ll go get waxed right away.

KEKO
Larry, we went over this.
I’m going undercover.
Do my Dirk Diggler thing.

LIPSHITZ
I don’t think you can --
pull it off.

KEKO
Pull it off? Pull it off?
Are you casting aspersions on my --
swordsmanship?

LIPSHITZ
It’s an all-girl flick, Bernie.
(beat)
Light bondage.

CARRIE
Cool.

KEKO
(eyes light up)
All girls?

CARRIE
What’s the title?

LIPSHITZ
'Learning the Ropes.'
Catchy, huh.

PUSH IN ON Carrie’s face.
Raring to go.

CARRIE
I certainly hope so.

Trouble Is My Business

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking FRIDAY. Are you ready for the weak-end? It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 3 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, wayward cop Carrie Love gets in a jam trying to help an old Chinese woman who's been mugged. Meanwhile porn star Laura Lang, on the set, explains to the makeup girl the joys of bondage gear.


EXT. VENICE BEACH ALLEY - DAY
An OLD CHINESE WOMAN trundles by
carrying a bag of laundry.

Suddenly a young STREET KID runs up.
GRABS her handbag --

And dashes off down the street.

OLD CHINESE WOMAN
Hey! Muthafucka, yoo come back here!

And, big surprise --
she takes off after him.

CARRIE
sees the commotion --

CARRIE
Goddammit!

JAMS the car into gear --
and TAKES OFF.

The coffee FLIES in the air,
drenching her shirt, her lap.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
Fuck!
(out the window)
Hey, you! Stop! Police!

EXT. VENICE BEACH ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
The kid TEARS ASS down the alley at lightning speed.

Carrie’s car SCREECHES up
right behind him, and --
just as it looks like
she’s going to run him over --

He feints left, then DASHES to the right --
into a narrow alley between buildings.

CARRIE
flies by. SCREECHES to a halt.
JAMS into reverse. Fishtails.
CRUNCHES the gravel.

She HITS the gas,
ROARS into the alley.

CARRIE
They’re gonna kill me
at the auto pool --

IN THE ALLEY
The thief gets to the other end.
Trips. OOF.

CARRIE’S CAR
BARRELS down the alley,
the sides of the frame SHRIEKING,
SCRAPING against the buildings,
sparks FLYING --

THE KID
gets up. Sees Carrie’s vehicle
coming toward him. Takes off.

CARRIE’S CAR
reaches a door stoop at the end of the alley.
Her right front fender CRUNCHES into it.
Headlight POPS.

The sedan’s wheels SPIN madly
in the soft earth.

She shuts off the engine.
It SPUTTERS, CLANK.

CARRIE
This day is NOT getting off
to a very good start.

Just then, BANGING
on passenger-side window.

IRATE BUILDING OWNER
Hey! What the FUCK
do you think you’re doing?

CARRIE
(flashes her badge)
Police business, you fat fuck.
Get the fuck out of my face.

And, to add insult in injury --
the CHINESE WOMAN
appears in front of the car.

With the kid in a choke-hold.
She SHOVES him onto the ground.
GRABS her purse. Yells --

OLD CHINESE WOMAN
If you be doing yoo job,
I no have to ruin ten-dolla shoes!

She stomps off.

IRATE BUILDING OWNER
(leans in the window)
Jesus. You really a cop?
You reek of booze.

CARRIE
At least I don’t reek of BO, asshole.
Now get the fuck outta here
before I cite you
for smelling like shit.

IRATE BUILDING OWNER
Jeez. No need to be nasty.

CARRIE
Listen, doll.
Nasty’s my middle name.
And trouble is my business.
(beat)
You really wanna be a customer?

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS HOME - AT THE SAME TIME
A glossy monstrosity flying out
over a cliff on stilts.

INT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS HOME - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Bizarrely chipper German synth-pop percolates over --

A porn shoot in full swing.
GRIPS, CREW, ‘TALENT.’

A pair of pneumatic BLONDES
do hot things with an ice sculpture.

The director is KLAUS SPEER (50s),
an Icabod Crane of a decayed
Jeremy Irons on Prozac.

He stares at Bruce Ball,
working as the DP quizzically.
Lights up a red Sherman’s.

BRUCE
(offers his camcorder)
I said, wanna take a peek?

KLAUS
Like I wanna see ze close up
of Cherry’s butt-hole.

CHERRY
(stops the action, turns)
I heard that.

INT. UPSTAIRS - MASTER BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
LAURA LANG (25), blonde,
impossibly Brit-beautiful.
Indigo eyes burn with mischief.

Cruel lips sneer with promises
best not kept.

Right now she’s reading SKIN TWO,
a glossy fetish magazine
while her face is painted.

LAURA
Cherry Sunday is a filthy cunt.
(sees a picture)
C’or, look at that.
That’d be so fuckin’ hot on me.

Makeup artist ZETTE DUQUESNE (28),
a French, raven-haired martini poured
into a leather goblet, looks, smiles grimly.

ZETTE
How in ze hell you suppose to go pee-pee?

LAURA
Darling. That’s the whole point.

INT. FIRING RANGE - DAY
Carrie assumes the stance.
Untouchable in leather and denim.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Some women own a vibrator.

She SQUEEZES off a flurry of SHOTS --
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

CARRIE (V.O.)
And others prefer something stronger.

A silky SWAT TEAM BABE
takes position in the next stall.

Turns her head. WINKS at Carrie.
Starts SHOOTING.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Me. I prefer Classic Coke.

She aims. Breathes. And --

CARRIE (V.O.)
With a lot of rum. On the beach.
In a tall glass of something brunette.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Eau de Gutter

Hey there, crime slicksters. Happy fucking Thursday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 2 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, undercover cop Carrie Love gets 'down and dirty' in the gutter in Venice Beach. Meanwhile, tiny auteur Bruce Ball is 'bimbo testing' talent for a beer commercial, when he gets startling news from production VP Dina Daerr about his next 'production' ...


EXT. VENICE BEACH ALLEY - DAWN
Title Card reads ONE YEAR LATER.
An acid-jazzy crime theme bubbles under --

The barest light of dawn.
A streetlight SNAPS off.

In a filthy alley behind 'Hollywood Pizza,'
a Boardwalk dive.

A WOMAN sleeps --
a living pile of rags.

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)
The worst part
about sleeping outside
is that you never feel
rested when you wake up.
You just lie there
because there’s nowhere to go.
And besides, it’s fucking cold out.

We recognize her voice
from the opening voiceover.

CAMERA PUSHES IN on her.
Underneath, despite the filth,
we see she’s young. Pretty.

FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) (CONT'D)
So you just lie there
and remember
what it was like
before this happened.
You think about things
like a hot shower.
A hot breakfast.
Reading the paper
with a cup of coffee
and a pack of smokes.

A HOMELESS MAN approaches on tip-toes,
touches her blanket --

And she LEAPS UP, FLASHES her badge,
POINTS her gun at him.

WOMAN
Hold it right there, motherfucker!
You just messed with the wrong chick.
Assume the position!

HOMELESS MAN
Shit, lady -- I mean, officer,
I wasn’t doing nothing, I was just --

He looks down at the big wet stain
spreading on his crotch.

WOMAN
Jesus fucking Christ,
look at yourself.
Get outta here.
Don’t let me see you
around here again.

The man hobbles away in a panic.
The chick sits back down.

WOMAN (CONT'D)
(into the camera)
You didn’t think I was homeless, did you?
(pulls out a bottle)
The name’s Carrie, Carrie Love.
I carry a badge.
(toasts, takes a sip)
Just getting into character.

INT. PRODUCTION OFFICE - NIGHT
Dean Martin’s YOU’RE NOBODY
UNTIL SOMEBODY LOVES YOU over --

A small tri-level house
converted into a groovy work space.

BRUCE BALL, six-feet of attitude
in a tiny, squishy body,
is testing talent.

The auteur squints
into the camera lens.

BRUCE
It’s called 'getting into character. '
(beat)
Okay. You are so fucking excited
about drinking the delicious
Genuine Cold Ice Draft Lager
that you’re about to come.
This is the best fucking beer
you’ve had in your short,
meaningless life.

A pretty young MODEL (18)
holds a can of beer,
vaguely insulted.

Topless, covers her nipples
with her other arm.

BRUCE
Action.

MODEL
(sexy)
When I get really thirsty,
I gotta have a cold one.

CAMERA POV
The bim drops her arm,
rubs the can on her breasts.

MODEL
But when I get really hot,
I reach for a --

BRUCE
No, stop! This isn’t a porno.
Why are you rubbing it
on your boobs?
Have you ever seen that
in a beer commercial?

MODEL
But you said you
wanted me to come.

BRUCE
I said LIKE you were gonna come,
it was a metaphor, a --

SULTRY FEMALE VOICE(O.S.)
Bruce, I hate to interrupt,
but that weird German guy just called.

BRUCE
(excited)
The shoot? Was it about the shoot?

In walks DINA DAERR, production VP.
The kind of woman who spends
more on her haircut
than most people’s car payment.

Flashes a 100-watt smile.
Arches a perfect, razor-thin brow.

DINA
Yeah, he said the call time
has been moved up,
you’re supposed to be there --
(looks at watch)
Now.

BRUCE
Hot stuff, my first feature.

MODEL
You’re going to go work
on a movie?

BRUCE
Yeah. I’ll see if there’s
a part for you. Let you know.

DINA
(to the model)
You might not want to be
in this kinda flick.

MODEL
Why not? What’s it called?

Burt glares at Dina.
Eyes yell at her to shut up.

DINA
'Harry Bottom and the Sorcerer’s Pole.'

INT. UNDERCOVER VEHICLE - MORNING
Carrie sits behind the wheel
of an idling late-model sedan.
Holds a container of coffee.
Breathes in the steam. Shivers.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Can’t wait to get home
and take a long, hot shower.
Wash off that ‘eau de gutter.’

She pulls out a flask.
Pours in something brown. Toasts.

CARRIE (V.O.)
But then, if I keep this up --
what’s the difference?

Hasta La Vista, Incestual Units

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking HUMP DAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Today we start a new story, never before seen on the blog. Some of you might be aware of my private detective Carrie Love, and have read about her exploits in WILSHIRE BOULEVARD, which was part three of a trilogy of connected stories about her. part two, LEGS (the feature, not the TV pilot of the same name), was written about fifteen years ago. A few years later, I decided I wanted to write more about this character, so I wrote a prequel entitled DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED. I finished it 2004, and even though it's not quite up to my current standard of writing, I still love it. (Those of you who read the TV pilot LEGS late last year are going to notice a few scenes I stole from this story. It's up to you to see if you remember which ones.)

So, without further ado, I present to you Chapter 1 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, where after a brief intro, we meet future under-aged serial killer Sparkle Plenty, who escapes from her trailer trash home, and heads for Hollywood ...


EXT. MULHOLLAND DRIVE - SCENIC VIEW - NIGHT

A swanky, deliriously kinky go-go groove --
My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult’s
THE INTERNATIONAL SIN SET.

The glittering panorama of
the San Fernando Valley twinkles below.
A big, silvery moon shines o’er the tackiness.

CARRIE LOVE (V.O.)
New York, New York --
the city so nice,
they named it twice.
The city that never sleeps.
But in Los Angeles,
people are in bed by nine.
And they only named it once.
Enough said?

A beat-up old PICKUP TRUCK
filled with MEXICAN GARDENERS
comes TEARING BY in a crunch of gravel.

CARRIE LOVE (V.O.)
Actually, the full name is
'El Pueblo de La Neustra Senora,
Reina de Los Angeles.
'The City of our Lady,
Queen of the Angels.'
No wonder they shortened it.
Ever take a close look at this
never-bustling metropolis?
Not exactly pure and chaste, huh.

A HUMVEE
comes into view.
The absurd vehicle slows, parks.

IN THE CAR
an ARROGANT HIPSTER (25)
and his GEN-Z GIRLFRIEND (21),
a whisper-thin young hottie
start making out.

CARRIE LOVE (V.O.)
Like the song says,
it’s a town without pity.
But that doesn’t stop the
millions of boys and girls
that come here with
stars in their eyes.
Almost none of them make it, of course --
but that doesn’t stop them;
those eager, fresh-scrubbed
teeming masses from the hinterlands
with visions of celebrity
dancing in their empty heads.

The couple starts getting hot and heavy.
Hands go to private places.

HOTTIE GIRLFRIEND
No, I told you -- NO!

ARROGANT HIPSTER
C’mon, Tifney --
I promise I’ll respect you and shit.

HOTTIE GIRLFRIEND
You expect me to jerk your stick
like some kinda sleazy cooz?

ARROGANT HIPSTER
Hey. I don’t get a happy ending --
you don’t get a happy ending.

Pause.

CARRIE LOVE (V.O.)
But our story starts far away
from this airbrushed mecca
of cigar-smoking goateed posers
and collagen-impaired faux-fatales --
in a tiny little berg
on the wrong side of the tracks.
(beat)
Except there’s no tracks,
and the one-mile stretch
of trailer homes makes a
good case for selective breeding.

A pistol CLICK-CLICKS.
The girl SCREAMS --

and gunshots POP-POP-POP.

CARRIE LOVE (V.O.)
Or maybe just a little ethnic cleansing.

INT. WHITE TRASH TRAILER - NIGHT
ROSCOE PLENTY, (40)
a strange-looking nerd,
watches a shitty little
black and white TV,
swills a bottle of cheap beer.

ROSCOE
(to someone off-screen)
C’mon honey,
you’re missing the big number.

ON TV
in glorious Technicolor,
SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN BROTHERS.

A chorus line of grinning,
super-masculine Hollywood cowboys.

SEVEN BROTHERS (ON TV)
Bless your beoootiful hide --

INT. FILTHY KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
DOT PLENTY (33),
Roscoe’s repulsive wife
eats dog food out of the can.

Sips her jelly-jar zinfandel.
Belly-T reveals folds of pale
cottage-cheese.

‘Fat’ would be a compliment.

DOT
(sucking her fingers)
Fucking musicals.
Fucking faggot -- shit.
(to him, loud)
I’m gonna go check on Sparkle,
make sure she’s all clean!

IN THE LIVING ROOM
the drunk is riveted to the movie,
drinks his longneck.

INT. TRAILER BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
A steaming shower runs.
A FEMALE FORM behind the glass --
sings off-key some weird disco hit.

IN THE HALLWAY
the happy molester squeezes by,
reaches the door. Smiles.

IN THE BATHROOM
the door opens.
In creeps lover-mom.

DOT
(throaty)
Does little Sparkle-ette
need help cleaning those --
hard-to-reach places?

EXT. TRAILER - CONTINUOUS
Steam drifts out the bathroom window.
A knapsack FLIES OUT.

Out pops SPARKLE PLENTY (16),
teased-hair K-Mart adorable.

Picture-pretty face.
What you call a ‘spinner.’


She JUMPS, lands on the ground.
Then runs, giggling.

IN THE BATHROOM
Coquettish, Dot opens the shower door --

DOT
Mmmmmm -- do I smell Soft Soap?

To reveal it’s empty.

A TAPE RECORDER
sits on the toilet.
The source of the singing.

A WINDOW SHADE
flaps against the open window.

IN THE LIVING ROOM
Roscoe sings along,
having the time of his life. BURP.

IN THE BATHROOM

DOT
Roscoe, Sparkle escaped! Again!

EXT. HILLSIDE - CONTINUOUS
Sparkle looks down on her nest from hell.
Holds a remote trigger box in dainty hands.

SPARKLE
(punches a button)
Hasta la vista, incestual units --

THE TRAILER
EXPLODES in a massive fireball.

SPARKLE (O.S.)
Cause this chick’s going to Hollywood.