Keep On Truckin'

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 10 of LEGS, Episode 3, things get more than a little uncomfortable at the 'kidnapping command center' at Meg's house when she shows up with her new partner Ilona, who it turns out Carrie Love dated once upon a time ... and just as tensions mount between Carrie's ex-husband Bernie when he confronts Meg about ruining his marriage by sleeping with Carrie, white trash kidnapper Darryl head phones them with his demands ...


INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Basil, Bernie and Carrie sit around
the coffee table staring at
the phone tape recorder sitting on it.

CARRIE (V.O.)
The air was filled like tension.
You could feel it.
Smell it. Touch it. Taste it.
It cut like a dull knife.
(beat)
My ex-mother-in-law had been abducted,
and there was nothing I could do about it.

BASIL
Why don’t they fucking CALL?
I’m losing my fucking MIND.
(growls)
If they harm one hair on her head,
they’re gonna DIE.

The front door opens.
In walks Meg and Ilona.

CARRIE
Meg.
(looks at Ilona)
Oh.

MEG
Hey.
(nods)
Bernie. Mr. Keko.
(to Carrie)
This is my new partner,
Ilona Ramirez.

CARRIE
Ilona. You did it.
You’re a cop.

MEG
You know her?

ILONA
I used to bartend at the Clit Club.

CARRIE
Poured generous cocktails.
Had quite a way with a wedge of lime --

MEG
(to Carrie)
Did you -- ?

ILONA
(to Meg)
Relax. The relationship was
strictly business between barmaid and lush.
(looks at Carrie)
And I was spoken for back then.

BASIL
(to Bernie)
So that’s the tart Carrie left you for.

MEG
Excuse me?

BERNIE
Dad. We’re in HER house.

CARRIE
I’m sorry, Meg.
He’s distraught.
He didn’t mean it.

MEG
Nice to meet you too, Mr. Keko.

BASIL
Please. Call me ‘Mr. Keko.’

MEG
(to Carrie)
So what’s the scoop?
Have they called
with their demands yet?

CARRIE
Not yet.
It’s a power play.
The longer they wait to call,
the more they think
they’re in control.

BERNIE
You’re assuming these
assholes are that bright.

BASIL
The fuckers ARE in control.
They got my KITTY.

The phone on the table RINGS.
Everybody JUMPS.

Basil looks at Carrie. She nods. T
urns on the tape recorder.

Basil picks up.
Carefully puts it on speakerphone.

BASIL
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. DARYLL’S TRAILER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Darryl sits in a big, ratty
overstuffed wing chair like it’s a throne.

Phone in one hand,
bottle of beer in the other.

Wendy sits on the couch,
timing the call on her watch.

Denny sits next to her,
lighting up the bong.

We see fat lines of white powder
on a mirror in front of Darryl.

DARRYL
Yo, is this the rich dude?
Basil Keko?

BASIL
Yes.
You better not have hurt my wife --

DARRYL
Chill out. She’s fine.
In fact, we’re right now giving her
some sugar for that diabetes thingamajig.

BASIL
So what do you want?

DARRYL
Well, seeing as how you won
two-hundred fifty-four million clamolas,
I’ll take two-hundred and fifty three.
A million bucks should last you
long enough since you’re
old and gonna die soon.

BASIL
But I don’t have it yet.
That check you saw on TV was a prop.

DARRYL
So when ARE you gonna get it?

BASIL
The wire transfer
should hit my bank tomorrow.

DARRYL
TOMORROW?

BASIL
Listen to me, you little fuck.
A wire transfer takes time.

Carrie stands.
Pantomimies with her arms that
she’s carrying a huge package.
Nods ‘understand?’

BASIL
(nods)
Now we have to figure out the logistics.
Do you realize how BIG that much money is?
You’re gonna need a truck.

DARRYL
A truck?

BASIL
A hundred million is about
the size of a refrigerator,
so you’re talking about a load
the size of two and a half refrigerators.

DARRYL
Then I’ll get a fucking truck.

BASIL
Then there’s the matter of
where you’re gonna put it.
Have you thought of that, huh?

DARRYL
Shut up.
What do you think, I’m STUPID?

BASIL
I want to talk to Kitty.
I need to know she’s okay.

DARRYL
I told you. She’s fine.

BASIL
If you don’t put her on phone
RIGHT NOW, there’s no deal.
How do I know you haven’t
killed her already?

WENDY
(looks at her watch)
Time’s up.

DARRYL
We now pause for a word from our sponsor.
Call you back.

BASIL
WAIT a minute --

He CLICKS the phone shut.
Leans down, and SNARFS
a line of meth up his nose. HONK.

Shakes his head.
Eyes blazing.

DARRYL
Now that’s what I call
‘keep on truckin.’

Bonnaroo Buzz

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 9 of LEGS, Episode 3, diabetic kidnap victim Kitty Keko starts going into insulin chock, and informs her clueless white trash kidnappers Darryl, Wendy and Denny that she needs sugar, FAST ...


INT. DARRYL’S TRAILER HOME - DENNY’S BEDROOM - DAY
Wendy stands in the doorway,
holding a gun in her hands.

Darryl’s pants are
down around his ankles.
Denny’s in his underwear.

Kitty glares at them,
tied to the bed.

WENDY
Don’t fucking TOUCH her.
I said I’d go along
with a kidnapping,
but rape is crossing the line.

DARRYL
Okay, okay.
Don’t do anything stupid,
sugar plum.
Hand me the gun.

WENDY
Sure thing.
When you PULL YOUR
FUCKING PANTS UP.
(to Denny)
You too, you fucking retard.

DENNY
You’re not supposed
to say RETARD.
I’m a SLOW ADULT,
stupid-face.

Kitty’s eyes go glassy.
She winces as if in pain.

WENDY
What’s wrong?

KITTY
It’s time for my insulin shot.
I’m a diabetic.

DARRYL
What happens if
you don’t get it?

KITTY
Oh, I get tired, hungry, sweaty,
headache, blurry vision,
slurred speech --

DARRYL
Well, that’s not too bad.

KITTY
Then I’ll go into insulin shock
and start having convulsions,
go unconcious --
and maybe even go into a coma.
(beat)
Kinda fucks with your
little scheme, huh?
Next time, you might want
to do a little research
on your kidnapping victim.

DARRYL
Okay, okay, okay.
I’ll get you some insulin.

WENDY
How you gonna do THAT?
You can’t just buy it
over the counter.

DARRYL
Shut up.
I’ll find a way.

KITTY
Do you have any candy or cookies?
Anything that has sugar in it?
That’ll help for a little while.

DENNY
ICE CREAM.

KITTY
Yeah. That’ll work.

DARRYL
Dude.
That’s the last of our Bonnaroo Buzz,
Ben & Jerry’s most awesome gnarlyness.
The perfect blend of
coffee, malt, caramel and toffee.
You know how HARD that is to find?

WENDY
So have Denny go to the store
and get some candy and shit.
Honest to god, if I weren’t here
to supervise you two,
the old bag would be dead by now.

KITTY
Excuse me. I’m only sixty.
(off their looks)
What. Didn’t you hear?
Sixty’s the new fifty --

Reach Out And Fuck Someone

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Cyber Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 8 of LEGS, Episode 3, sparks fly when private eye Carrie Love, her ex-husband/ex-partner, homicide dick Bernie Keko and his father Basil meet at Carrie's ex's house, patrolwoman Megan Paul to set up headquarters to try and find out who kidnapped Basil's wife. Problem is, Meg doesn't know they're there, so Carrie gives her a call ...


INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Small and cozy. Bright and clean.
Basil, Bernie and Carrie sit on the couch,
staring at the phone on a coffee table.

BASIL
Call forwarding. Genius.

CARRIE
Reach out and fuck someone.

BERNIE
(to Basil)
We swept the area around your house.
No one was watching it.

CARRIE
But they might come around,
so it’s safer to be here.

BASIL
There was no sign of forced entry.
They must have grabbed her
when she returned from yoga class.
(smiles)
It’s nice to see you two together again.
Always thought you were the perfect couple.
hame it had to end like it did.

CARRIE
Yeah, well -- a fist fight
kinda takes the romance out of it.

BERNIE
Not to mention being caught
carpet-munching in OUR bed --

BASIL
(to Carrie)
You still prefer the other white meat?

BERNIE
DAD.

BASIL
(to Carrie)
I’m sorry.
(looks down)
Like many old-school heterosexual men,
I deal with grief with crude,
inappropriate humor.
I’m so sorry.

CARRIE
It’s okay. You’re upset.
(to Bernie)
So that’s where you get it from.

BERNIE
Takes one to blow one.

CARRIE
(looks at her watch)
I should call Meg.
Find out when her shift ends.
Don’t want to her surprise her
with a 'two and a half cops.'

She pulls out her cell.
Walks out of the room.

EXT. SANTA MONICA BEACH - BIKE PATH - DAY
A wide, two-lane cement bike path
that runs along the sand.

Megan and another FEMALE COP (20’s)
sit astride their stallions,
slowly CLIP-CLOPPING
down the bucolic avenue.

MEG
It’s a pretty good gig.
Great weather, and away from
the madness down south in Venice.
You been riding long?

FEMALE COP
Ever since I was thirteen
and discovered it was better than
sliding down the bannister.

Meet ILONA RAMIREZ,
a curvy goblet of caramel
poured into her uniform.

Wide mouth with lips for days.
Long black hair tied in a ponytail
that reaches down to the horse’s back.

MEG
Sliding down the --
(blushes)
Oh.

ILONA
So you were a good girl.

MEG
Once upon a time.

Her cell RINGS.
She pulls it out. Looks it at.

MEG (CONT’D)
Hold that thought.
(into the phone)
Hey, Carrie. What’s up?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MEG’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Carrie stands in the big window
looking out at the street.

CARRIE
(into the phone)
Bernie’s mother was kidnapped
and we’re using your house
as a base of operations.
Hope it’s okay.

MEG
Holy shit. When?

CARRIE
About an hour ago.
The kidnappers said ‘no cops,’
so we didn’t want to be seen
at their place in case
it was being watched.

MEG
Of course.
Don’t worry about it.
(beat)
Holy shit. Bernie’s MOM --
(beat)
And you’re helping Bernie with the case?

CARRIE
Well, I’m not a cop anymore,
and you know what they say,
once an in-law, always an in-law.

MEG
Is there anything I can do?

CARRIE
When does your shift end?

MEG
In about an hour,
but I’m breaking in my new partner.
I might be able to get away
with ending it early,
make up some excuse.

CARRIE
Great. We can use
all the help we can get.
See you soon.

The both CLICK their phones shut.
Ilona looks at Meg.

ILONA
What was that all about?

MEG
My ex’s ex’s mother was kidnapped.

ILONA
Holy shit.
(beat)
You were talking to 'Carrie.'
You’re ex was a chick?

MEG
Uh, yeah.

ILONA
Cool. So was mine.

MEG
Oh.

ILONA
Tell the watch commander
we ate bad fish tacos
and got the runs.

MEG
That’s -- a great idea.

ILONA
I got your back, mamasita.
(beat)
And your front --

On The Rebound And Gagged

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In Chapter 7 of LEGS, Episode 3, kidnapping victim Kitty Keko has a few choice words to say to her trailer trash captors, so they 'make her shut up.' Meanwhile, private eye Carrie Love arrives at 'command central' to try and solve the case ... which just happens to be her ex-lover's home ...


INT. DARRYL’S TRAILER HOME - DENNY’S BEDROOM - DAY
Tiny. Cramped. Clothing strewn everywhere.
Empty pizza boxes. Beer cans.

KITTY KEKO (60’s),
surprisingly attractive,
if a bit puffy --
lies on the bed staring at her captors,
wrists tied to the bed posts.

Darryl holds a gun on her.
Wendy’s behind him in the doorway.

Denny angrily picks up
his clothes from the floor.
Puts them in a laundry basket.

DENNY
This is stupid.
I don’t see why I have to --

DARRYL
Shut up, Denny.
Kitty is our guest,
and I want her to be
as comfortable as possible.

KITTY
My son is gonna
fucking kill you,
you little shit.

DARRYL
Now is that any way
to talk to your host?

KITTY
Fuck you, trailer trash.
You’re not going
to get away this.
Eat shit and DIE.

DARRYL
Such language
for an old lady.
(turns, to Wendy)
I tried being nice, right?

WENDY
Yeah.

DARRYL
Denny, shove a sock
in her mouth, will ya?

Denny grins.
Picks a stained old sock
up off the floor.

KITTY
NO, PLEASE.

He comes over to her.
Holds it up.

Smells it.
Makes a face.

DENNY
Mmm. Nice and ripe --
(makes a jerking off motion)
And crunchy.

KITTY
No, please.
I’ll be quiet.
promise.

DARRYL
Hurry up.
Stop fucking around.

Denny starts to stuff
the sock in her mouth,
and Kitty KNEES him
in the groin, HARD.

Denny REELS BACK,
CRIES OUT in pain.

DARRYL
Fucking BITCH.

He RUSHES over,
PISTOL-WHIPS her, CRACK.

She goes out like a light.
A big GASH on her temple
starts bleeding.

DARRYL
That’ll teach you
to hurt my brother.

Denny sits on the floor,
rocking back and forth,
holding his nuts.

Eyes glassy.
Face red.

DARRYL
Are you okay?

DENNY
NO.

WENDY
I’ll go get a bandage.
(looks at Denny)
And some ice --

She leaves.
Denny looks at Darryl.
Eyes pleading.

DENNY
You gotta make her PAY.

Darryl starts
unbuckling his belt.
Unzipping his fly.

DARRYL
Oh, I’m gonna
make her pay, alright --
(beat)
The HARD way.

EXT. MEG’S HOUSE - DAY
A simple, small house
on a tree-lined street.

On the corner, so the yard
is a little larger than the others.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Ah, the scene of the crime.
Where Meg and I had more than a few
nights of unbridled passion.
Shame it didn’t last.
I believe the phrase
is ‘on the rebound.’
(beat)
Or in my case,
‘on the rebound and gagged' --

The Energizer Pussy

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Wednesday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of LEGS, Episode 3, after his mother is kidnapped, homicide detective Bernie Keko calls his ex, private eye Carrie Love for help. Meanwhile, Carrie's girlfriend Laura Lang gets ready to shoot a porn film which involves an electronic device up her cooch ...


INT. LAW OFFICES - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Carrie’s cell phone CHIRPS.
She looks at it. Alarmed.

CARRIE
Excuse me.
I gotta take this.
It’s urgent.
(gets up, walk away, into the phone)
Bernie.
What’s up with the nine-one-one?
Are you okay?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. BERNIE’S UNMARKED SEDAN - DAY
Bernie sits behind the wheel
talking on his cell.

We see out the window that
he’s at the curb near the park.

BERNIE
My mother’s been kidnapped.

CARRIE
WHAT? When? Where? WHY?
Your father doesn’t have any money --

BERNIE
He does now.
He just won the lottery,
and now some scumbag got my MOTHER.

CARRIE
Okay, okay. Calm down.
We’ll get her back.
Was there a ransom note?

BERNIE
No. They scrawled a message
on the fridge saying they’d
call later with their demands.
And they also said ‘no cops,’
or they’d HURT her.

CARRIE
Kidnappers always say that,
you know.

BERNIE
I know, I know --
but this is my MOTHER.

CARRIE
Take a deep breath.
I’m with you.
Where are you?

BERNIE
Down the street from his house.
I don’t wanna go in
in case they’re watching it.

CARRIE
Hey.
Meg lives right around the corner.

BERNIE
You want to use HER place
as a base of operations?

CARRIE
Hey. You know what they say.
When life gives you a lemon,
make lesbianade

BERNIE
What if she’s on duty?

CARRIE
I have a key.

BERNIE
Why doesn’t that surprise me?

CARRIE
Listen, if you want me to help you,
you gotta lay off that shit.
Meg’s very important to me,
and you’re just gonna have to
deal with it, okay?

BERNIE
Okay. I’m sorry. I’m upset.
We can use all the help we can get.

CARRIE
That’s right.
And don’t you forget it.
I’ll be right there.
(hangs up, to Nate and Todd)
Sorry, greedy younger siblings.
I gotta split.

TODD
What the hell?
You can’t just leave.

CARRIE
Oh, yes I can.
My ex-husband’s mother was just kidnapped.
I think that’s a lot more important
than picking over my dead father’s bones.
(to Bob)
You’ll reschedule?
Have your people call their people?

BOB
Of course. Go. Hurry.

CARRIE
Thanks.
(to Todd and Nate)
Love you.
Don’t mean it.
Let’s not do lunch.

She strides out the door.
SLAMS it behind her.

INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
A real soundstage.
A surprisingly good set
which looks like a space ship.
This is a porno with a budget.

Laura lies on a chrome gurney,
very Barbarella in plastic,
rubber and vinyl.

KLAUS
Take number four and five
up a bit more, please.

BURLY GRIP
You want it brighter?

KLAUS
No. Make it darker.
So we can’t fucking see her.

LAURA
Can we get started?
This costume is cold and clammy
like George Micheal in a public toilet.

KLAUS
Hold your horsies,
my little turtle-dove.
(to the sound man)
Give me some MUSIC.

SOUND MAN (O.S.)
The hills are alive, mein fuhrer.

Some obscure 80’s Euro-synth-pop song
starts playing, LOUD.

KLAUS
Ja. Too sexy for my RIDING CROP.
(to a PA)
The DRY ICE.
Start the DRY ICE.

A dense fog sweeps into frame.
Circles his waist.
Klaus smiles.

Hands Laura a CONTROL BOX,
demonstrates the knobs.

KLAUS
This one controls the amps,
this one controls the watts --
and this one is for
the frequency modulation.

LAURA
And the Energizer Pussy
just keeps on getting electrocuted.

KLAUS
You snicker now, my bitter Fraulein,
but you have never scaled the heights
that the Pandora Box will take you.
Never felt such pleasure,
such ecstacy, such bliss.

Laura slowly turns a knob,
gets a JOLT in her privates.

LAURA
Ow, FUCK! Bollocks.
Fuckin’ bliss is gonna
blow my bloody fusebox.

KLAUS
Yes. She’s ANGRY. That HURTS.
But it feels so GOOD.
(throws up his arms)
Speed. Camera. And -- ACTION.

Like Jerry Sandusky

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 5 of LEGS, Episode 3, retired cop Basil Keko comes home from winning the lottery, only to find his wife has been kidnapped. In a panic, he calls his son, homicide detective Bernie Keko and tells him what happened. Because the ransom note said 'don't call the cops,' Bernie decides to call his ex for help, private eye Carrie Love ...


EXT. BUNGALOW - DAY
An old, stately home on a
leafy, middle-class street in the heart of
the cheap seats of Santa Monica. Safe. Bucolic.

Basil walks up to the front door.
Opens it. Goes in.

INT. BASIL’S BUNGALOW - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Heavy and quiet with old,
mis-matched furniture.
But nice. Spotless.

Basil hums happily.
Pads across the room.

BASIL
Honey, I’m home.
Did you see me on TV?

He looks around.
Then heads toward the kitchen.

INT. BASIL’S BUNGALOW - KITCHEN - DAY
Bright and cheerful, nice and neat.
Basil walks into the room, looks around.

BASIL
Honey?

He sees a message
on the refrigerator
written in big block letters
in black magic marker:

WE HAVE YOUR WIFE.
DO NOT CONTACT THE POLICE
OR SHE WILL DIE.

WE WILL CALL YOU
WITH OUR RANSOM DEMANDS.
- A FRIEND.

BASIL
Holy shit.
Oh my god.
Holy shit.
(goes to the phone, dials)
Bernie.
Thank god you’re there.
Your mother’s been kidnapped.
(listens)
Meet me in the park down the street
in case they’re watching the house.

EXT. CITY PARK - DAY
A tiny park. Green grass.
Plants. Flowers. Bird chirping.

A HOMELESS MAN (50’s)
sleeps on the grass in the distance.

Bernie and Basil sit on a
park bench facing the sidewalk.

BASIL
They said not to
contact the police,
but you’re my son,
so that’s okay, right?

BERNIE
It’s okay, pop.
It’s okay.
(realizes)
Oh, shit.
Her medication.

BASIL
I know.
I’m worried sick.
If she doesn’t
have her insulin --

BERNIE
(stands)
We’re not solving
anything sitting here.
You go back to the house
and wait for their call.

BASIL
(gets up)
What are you gonna do?

BERNIE
I’m gonna call Carrie.
She owes me one.

BASIL
Your ex?
Are you sure
that’s a good idea?
Why would she help?
She left you.

BERNIE
That hasn’t stopped her
from coming to me for help.
And besides, when she finds out
Kitty’s been kidnapped,
the assholes that got her
don’t have a chance.
She’s like Jerry Sandusky
at a NAMBLA meeting
when she’s riled up.

BASIL
No shit.
Remember that Thanksgiving
when she got it in her head
that SHE was gonna
carve the turkey?

BERNIE
How could I forget.
The arterial spray
ruined the stuffing --

Fuck You Money

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 4 of Episode 3 of LEGS, private eye Carrie Love meets with her brothers Todd and Nate and their attorneys about her father's will. Due to her 'bad behavior,' Carrie was disinherited ... but after she reconciled with her father right before his death, he told her he changed his mind, so he destroyed the will. Problem is, now her brothers want all the money for themselves ...


INT. LAW OFFICES - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
The theme from The Good, The Bad & The Ugly over --

A burnished, glossy, airbrushed joint
out of a Glenn Close wet dream.

Todd and Nate sit in plush chairs
on one side of the table with their ATTORNEYS,
a pair of stone-faced, smooth-looking hawks.

CARRIE’S ATTORNEY,
a big, jovial-looking fellow
sits on the other side with Carrie.

CARRIE (V.O.)
It was my date with destiny.
Or her child, at least.
I was about to go head-to-head
with my younger brothers.
‘Awkward’ doesn’t begin to cover it.
I felt like Richard Simmons
at a Chick Fil-A opening.

Todd glares at Carrie
with utter contempt.
A vein on his temple throbs violently.

Nate looks stiff and awkward.
Maybe it’s because of the suit
he’s not used to wearing.

JACK HASSIG (60), Todd’s attorney,
tall and thin with a grey brush cut
the same shade as his suit smiles at Carrie.

Big eyes bulging
to the point of almost exploding.

CARRIE (V.O.)
Get aload of this guy.
‘Bug-eyed much?’
Better lay off the Red Bull, buster,
or your head’s gonna explode.

JACK
It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss Love.

CARRIE
'Ms. Love,' please.
Get with the program.
We got equal rights
back in the seventies, remember?
Gloria Steinem? Susan Sontag?
We fought hard for that 'Ms.'

JACK
I’m sorry, Ms. Love.

SAUL BRAUNSTEIN (30’s), Nate’s attorney,
a young turk, slick in Armani
tries to hide his Dick Cheney-like sneer.

SAUL
We’re glad you could make it this time.

CARRIE
Oh, I wouldn’t miss this for the world.
It isn’t every day I get
to see my darling brothers.
Cue the Hallmark Moment.

BOB BALL (50), Carrie’s attorney
looks around the room.

BOB
So I gather the reason for this meeting
is to negotiate exactly how much Carrie
is going to get from her father’s estate?

JACK
That would be correct.

BOB
Well, I must say, I’m confused.
Carrie told me that
the last time she saw her father --
when they reconcileed after not seeing
or speaking to each other for ten years --
he said he wished there was something
he could do to change his will.

JACK
Edgar Love had an irrevocable trust,
which could not and cannot be changed,
so that statement was moot.

BOB
That may be true, but Carrie
also informed me that a signed,
original copy of his will was never found.

JACK
We’re still searching the files
in our off-site storage facility.
I’m sure a signed original will turn up.

BOB
But if it doesn’t, then the estate
is to be equally divided amongst his heirs.

SAUL
If you try and pull that,
we’ll bury you in legal actions for years.
(to Carrie)
Can you afford a lengthy trial, Miss Love?

CARRIE
It’s MS. Love, jacksass.
Of course I can’t.
(to Bob)
What the fuck?

BOB
Shhh. Let me handle it.

JACK
We’re prepared to offer MS. Love
five-hundred thousand dollars as a settlement.

CARRIE
Five-hundred K?
You gotta be fucking KIDDING me.
That’s not ‘fuck you money.’
(to Bob)
They’re gonna get ‘fuck you money.’

BOB
(puts his hand on her arm)
Gentlemen. Do you realize how
ludicrious your offer is?
You’re proposing that Todd and Nate
each get eight million,
and their older sister
one-sixteenth of that?
That’s positively insulting.
Not to mention the fact
that taxes will take half of it.

CARRIE
I don’t understand why we can’t just
divide it into three equal shares.
(to Nate and Todd)
That would the civilized thing to do.
Remember civilization?
You don’t need to wear the bear skin
and carry a club anymore.

TODD
If I had my way,
you wouldn’t get one red cent.
I worked for him, YOU didn’t.

CARRIE
We’ve gone over this,
Mr. Short Attention Span.
You got FIRED, remember?
(beat)
Look. The last thing our father
said to me was he wished there was a way
he could give me something.
Can’t you see he figured
out a way to do it?
He destroyed the original will.
Brilliant move, I must say.

TODD
He didn’t destroy it.
We’re gonna find it.

CARRIE
(to Nate)
And you’re okay with this, Judas?
I mean Nate?

Nate looks down.
Fidgeting in his chair.

SAUL
Nate is acting on the advice of counsel.

CARRIE
(to Nate)
So that’s it.
The silent treatment?
I was the only one that played with you
when you were a little kid, remember?
Does money mean more than family?

BOB
(to Jack and Saul)
I must say I’ve never seen anything
like this in thirty years of praticising law.

Carrie shakes her head.
Looks out the window.

CARRIE
(under her breath)
Where’s John Grisham when you need him?