The Spy Who Dumped Me

Happy Monday, crime-stoppers! It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side. A place where unspeakable acts of depravity are always on the menu ... at That Killing Feeling.

In today's chapter from NOWHERE GIRLS, Homeland Security agents Cherry Nation and April Street are on the lam after being set up by terrorists at the White House, and are now being followed by black ops spook The Bagger ... who is about to attack their 'safe house on wheels' ...


INT. SERGE’S MOTOR HOME - NIGHT
Serge drives, cigarette dangling on his lip.
Cherry rides shotgun. Watches the scenery out the window.

April sits on a built-in couch on the wall behind them.
Pulls out her cell. Punches a number. Listens.

APRIL
Feets don’t fail me now --
(listens)
Simon, it’s me, April. Pick up.

INTERCUT WITH:

EXT. HOUSING PROJECT - AT THAT MOMENT
A group of COMMANDOS IN BLACK take position
around the perimeter of a burned-out apartment block.
Looks abandoned, except for a dim light glowing on the second floor.
Leading the charge is a tall, rugged, good-looking bloke.

Meet SIMON CAINE (30), Brit ex-pat.
If Clive Owen and Daniel Craig had a love child, he’d be it.
Lady killer deluxe. Three-day stubble.
Piercing blue eyes glint with machismo smarts.

Right now he’s checking his weapon.
SHOVES in a clip, CHINK.

His cell VIBRATES in his pocket.
He pulls it out.

SIMON
(whispers)
Shit. Not now --
(looks at the number)
Great.
(answers it)
April. It’s not a good time --

APRIL
Sorry to bother you, Simon --
but it’s an emergency --

SIMON
I know. I saw it on the news.
What the fuck?
(sighs)
I’m in the middle of something.
Call you back in fifteen.

APRIL
You’re on an op?

SIMON
About to take out a terrorist cell.

APRIL
Shit. Where?

SIMON
Compton.

APRIL
Compton? 'Taliban in the Hood?'

SIMON
Don’t have time for witty banter, babe.
Call you back.

He CLICKS his phone shut.
The commando next to him smiles.

GRINNING COMMANDO
Don’t tell me. Your ex?

SIMON
Bitch left me, but won’t leave me alone.

GRINNING COMMANDO
'The spy who dumped me.'

SIMON
Funny, Brub. C’mon, let’s do this.
(pulls out his walkie)
Green fox, you in position?
(listens)
Roger that.
(to Grinning)
Let’s take the towel-heads to the cleaners,
whattaya say?

INT. SERGE’S MOTOR HOME - MOVING - AT THAT MOMENT
April CLICKS her phone shut. Stares at it.

CHERRY
(over her shoulder)
Any luck?

APRIL
He’s on an op. Said he’d call me back.

Just then, a metal cannister
FLIES DOWN from the ceiling.
HITS the floor.
A cloud of GREEN SMOKE starts BILLOWING.

APRIL
What the FUCK?

SERGE
(turns around)
What’s going on?

CHERRY
SMOKE BOMB.
We’re being ATTACKED.
PULL OVER.

Serge turns the wheel, turns off onto the shoulder. Stops.

OUTSIDE ON THE FREEWAY
The Bagger pulls over behind them.

BAGGER
Got you now, me pretties --

Hollywood Or Bust

Happy Friday, crime slicksters! It's time once again to take a trip to the lower depths of humanity. A place so dark, so depraved, that you might not get out ... of That Killing Feeling.

In today's chapter from your favorite spy thriller NOWHERE GIRLS, Homeland Security agents Cherry Nation and April Street are on the lam in their mobile safe house, being pursed by black ops assassin The Bagger, and his trusty assistant, 'Lemon' ...


INT. SERGE’S MOTOR HOME - NIGHT
Serge gets behind the wheel.
April slides into the passenger seat.
Cherry stands behind them.

APRIL
So where we gonna go?

SERGE
(shrugs)
Hollywood. The area code is three-two-three.
Then we work on decrypting her location.

CHERRY
(pushes out her chest)
Hollywood or BUST.

APRIL
Wait a minute.
I just had an idea.
I could call my ex --

CHERRY
What ex? You haven’t told me about him.

APRIL
No, I -- broke his heart.
(sighs)
It’s a long story. He’s black ops, NSA.
We were always on opposite ends of the world.
It was great, but I only got to see him
a couple times a year, if that,
and it just kinda -- tapered off.

CHERRY
But I thought absence makes the heart grow fonder.

APRIL
If you live in Kansas, maybe.
But not when you’re in deep cover
with a terrorist cell in Budapest --

OUTSIDE THE RV
The Bagger and Lemon approach the back of the vehicle.
But it start MOVING.

LEMON
Shit, it’s MOVING.

BAGGER
Quick, catch up with it.
Climb up on the roof.
I’ll follow in the car.

LEMON
Okay --

She DASHES OFF after it.
GRABS onto the steel rungs on the back.
Starts climbing up.
Stops, turns, blows Bagger a kiss.

The Bagger looks.
Starts quickly walking toward the SUV.

BAGGER
What a doll. Just how I like ‘em.
Fast, cheap and out of control.

EXT. BIBI’S SAFE HOUSE - CRIME SCENE - AT THAT MOMENT
Sunday and Max walk up to a PANEL TRUCK.
Sunday knocks on the window.
The side door OPENS. They peer in.

MAX
You get the location yet?

IN THE TRUCK
A pair of SURVEILLANCE TECHS turn and look at them.

BALD, INTENSE TECH
Yeah, we did, but --

HORN-RIMMED GLASSES TECH
We lost the signal.

BALD, INTENSE TECH
They realized we could track them --

HORN-RIMMED GLASSES TECH
And then destroyed the phone.

BALD, INTENSE TECH
They were in Venice Beach.
But they’re probably now in transit --

HORN-RIMMED GLASSES TECH
They were in a parking lot --

BALD, INTENSE TECH
Inside a hippie motor home --

HORN-RIMMED GLASSES TECH
Painted all crazy, you know, like the Partridge Family.

BALD, INTENSE TECH
(sings, monotone)
'I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of?'

HORN-RIMMED GLASSES TECH
Great karaoke number.

The techs look at each other.
Nod. Sip their coffee.

SUNDAY
You two should take your act on the road.

HORN-RIMMED GLASSES TECH
Oh, gosh, no. Strictly against regulations.

BALD, INTENSE TECH
(to Horn-Rimmed)
Are you sure about that?

MAX
ENOUGH. Just gimme the address.

Bald, Intense scribbles on a scrap of paper.
Hands it over. Max SNATCHES it out his hand.

MAX
You two outta get out more often.

Lemon-Fresh

Happy Thursday, crime kids! It's time once again to take a little trip to the dark side. A place where things are settled at the wrong end of a gun. A place where evil lurks in the hearts of men ... and women ... at That Killing Feeling.

Into today's chapter of the spy thriller NOWHERE GIRLS, agents Cherry Nation and April Street hunker down in their mobile safe house trying to learn the location of their evil nemesis Honey Almond ... Meanwhile, 'assassin to the stars' The Bagger has found their location, and is on his way ...


INT. SERGE’S MOTOR HOME - NIGHT
Serge sits at a workstation against one wall of the main room.
Looks at a computer monitor, which is flashing rows of data.
Cherry and April crowd around and watch.

SERGE
These are all the calls she made in the last month.

APRIL
(points)
Look. Alot of the numbers are the same.

CHERRY
How much you wanna bet that’s Honey’s number?

SERGE
Exactly.
(punches on the keyboard)
Problem is, the location is encrypted.
So, I need to decipher it.
I’ve got a copy of this Al Qaeda program
on the black market that --

APRIL
Al Qaeda? REALLY?

SERGE
Yes. It’s state-of-the-art.
Developed by the Russians.
It can decrypt almost any --

He closes his eyes. Sighs.

CHERRY
What’s wrong?

SERGE
I just realized.
The only copy I had is back at the safe house.

APRIL
SHIT. I just realized something --

CHERRY
What?

APRIL
OUR location can be tracked on Bibi’s PHONE.

SERGE
MERDE!

He GRABS the phone.
THROWS it to the floor.
SMASHES it with his boot. CRUNCH.

CHERRY
I hope we were in time.

APRIL
Let’s not stay around long enough to find out, okay?

SERGE
Oui. It is time, as they say, to get out of Dodge.

EXT. VENICE BEACH PARKING LOT - AT THAT MOMENT
The Bagger and Lemon carefully approach the parking lot.

BAGGER
We go in through the roof. Air vent.

LEMON
I’ll go in first, because I’m smaller --

BAGGER
Not to mention lemon-fresh.

LEMON
You wish.

BAGGER
Shit. I better check in.

He pulls out his cell phone.
Ducks down behind a old pickup truck.
Dials a number. Lemon joins him. Crouches down.

BAGGER
Hello, chief. It’s the Bag-man.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. HONEY’S UNDERGROUND LAIR - PRIVATE OFFICE - NIGHT
The blinds are closed. She’s sitting on the desk,
skirt up around her waist, being serviced by Rock.

A red phone on her desk RINGS.

HONEY
Shit.

ROCK
Ignore it.

HONEY
(looks)
I can’t. It’s 'The Assassin To The Stars' --

He stops. Looks crestfallen.
She grabs the receiver.
Motions for him to continue.
He shakes his head 'really?'
Then starts thrusting HARDER. FASTER.

HONEY
(into the phone)
You get the -- French tart?

She GASPS. Approaching liftoff.

BAGGER
Didn’t have to. Feds got there first,
blew her clit to kingdom come.
Froggie had to be scraped into a dozen evidence bags.

HONEY
Nice. And what about Betty and Veronica?

BAGGER
Uh, they escaped.

HONEY
(moans, starting to climax)
Uhhhhhh --
(shakes her head)
What did you say?
(POUNDS on the desk)
They GOT AWAY?

BAGGER
Not to worry, I followed them.
They’re holed up in a shitty,
old RV at the Venice Beach parking lot.
I’m about to approach.
(cups the phone, to Lemon)
I think she’s having sex --

HONEY
Good work, Bag --
(gasps)
Ah, ah, ah, AHHHHHHH --

She lets out an EAR-SPLITTING SHRIEK of pleasure.
The Bagger holds the phone up to Lemon.
She smiles. Gives a thumbs-up.

BAGGER
Boss? You there? Everything okay?

Rock dismounts. Pulls his pants up. Triumphant.
Honey lights a cigarette. Smiles dreamily.
Exhales a big cloud of smoke.

HONEY
Never better. I was being defiled.
(beat)
Uh, debriefed. I was being debriefed --

It Only Hurts When I Punch Someone

Happy Hump day, crime humpsters! Are you ready for another blast of hardboiled action? Then get your asses over to the coolest joint in cyberspace, where the drinks are cold, and the chicks are HOT ... at That Killing Feeling.

In today's action-packed chapter from the spy thriller NOWHERE GIRLS, Homeland Security agents Cherry Nation and April Street take cover in black ops spook Serge's safe house on wheels. Meanwhile, 'assassin to the stars' The Bagger is hot on their trail ... as is the FBI ...

EXT. VENICE BEACH BOARDWALK - NIGHT

Deserted at this hour.

Except for a few piles of humanity

wrapped in rags, dozing peacefully.

Serge, Cherry and April walk briskly

toward the parking lot at the north end.

CHERRY

(to April)

How’s your leg?

APRIL

Hurts like a motherfucker.

How’s your arm?

CHERRY

It only hurts when I punch someone.

SERGE

We’re almost there.

They get to the lot.

There’s a few old, trashy MOTOR HOMES parked at the end.

Ratty, painted with crude bright colors.

Blacked out windows. Graffiti. Weird shit piled on top.

Serge walks up to the largest one.

It has a sign on the window.

JESUS WAS HOMELESS.

SERGE

And here we are. Be it ever so humble --

He looks around. Satisfied that no one is following them.

Unlocks the door. Opens it. Beckons them inside.

SERGE

Entre, s’il vous plait.

Cherry and April exchange glances.

Shrug. Start up the steps.

INT. MOTOR HOME - CONTINUOUS

Breathtakingly beautiful. Plush carpet. Giant plasma screen.

State-of-the-art communications and computer technology.

New galley. Comfy furniture. The works.

CHERRY

Wow, this joint is THE BOMB.

APRIL

We be riding in STYLE.

Serge closes the door.

SPINS a wheel, LOCKS it, CLICK.

SERGE

We have rations for a month.

Global satellite tracking.

A complete arsenal, including heat-seaking missiles.

(smiles)

And it sleeps two comfortably.

Three is a bit of a squeeze,

but I think we can manage.

April blushes.

CHERRY

No time for shenanigans, kids.

We’ve got to get on the stick, pronto.

Uncle Sam wants our ass like grass.

(to Serge)

C’mon, let’s upload Bibi’s phone data and check out her intel.

Serge pulls Bibi’s cell out his pocket. Holds it up. Smiles.

SERGE

Let your fingers do the spying --

EXT. STREET CORNER - NIGHT

Down the street, Bugs’ SUV comes to a stop

where the street ends at the boardwalk.

INT. BUGS SUV - CONTINUOUS

The Bagger leans out the window,

looks through binoculars.

Turns and looks at Lemon.

BAGGER

Bingo. They went into that motor home.

LEMON

(looks)

One of those shitty homeless RV’s? Ew.

BAGGER

No, it’s brilliant. Perfect cover.

(opens the door)

C’mon, let’s go open us a can of vagina.

(turns to Bugs)

You come, too. The more the merrier.

BUGS

(big toothy smile)

Let’s rock-n-rolla.

(pulls out his weapon)

Lock, stock and two smoking BARRELS.

They pile out of the vehicle.

EXT. STREET CORNER - CONTINUOUS

The Bagger pulls out a 9MM Baretta with a silencer.

SHOOTS Bugs in the head. THWIP.

He falls into a row of shrubs, THUD.

LEMON

What did you do THAT for?

BAGGER

I fucking HATE Guy Ritchie --

EXT. BIBI’S SAFE HOUSE - AT THAT MOMENT

It’s a madhouse. Medical techs are taking away

dead FBI agents on stretchers.

Crime scene techs are sifting

through the rubble looking for evidence.

Sunday and Max stand nearby, watching.

Sipping coffee. Sunday is listening

to someone on her cell phone. She nods slowly.

SUNDAY

(on the phone)

Excellent, Monsterburg.

You get a gold star.

She CLICKS the phone shut.

Put it in her pocket.

MAX

It would seem that our plucky lasses

escaped by the skin of their teeth.

SUNDAY

Not so fast, super sleuth.

I just received word from HQ

that La Salle’s cell phone is still active.

MAX

Then that means --

SUNDAY

They’ve got it.

And we can track their tight, little asses with it.

MAX

(looks at hers)

Speaking of tight, little asses --

Long And Hard

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters! You say you're feeling bored? Restless? Looking for some cheap, sleazy kicks? Then grab your favorite weapon and check out the coolest hardboiled pulp fiction joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In today's blistering chapter from your favorite spy thriller NOWHERE GIRLS, evil black ops spook Honey Almond, deep in her underground lair beneath Mann's Chinese Theater, gets the news that agents Cherry Nation and April Street have eluded their captors, and she is NOT pleased ...


INT. HONEY’S UNDERGROUND LAIR - OFFICE - NIGHT
Honey sits at her desk, watches a stream of data on the computer monitor.
Pours a shot of whiskey. DOWNS it.
Leans down, HONKS up a fat line of coke.

Rock Vargas stands in the doorway.

ROCK
I have some -- news, chief.

Honey WHIRLS around.
Stares at him.
Eyes burning brightly.

HONEY
What the FUCK happened?

ROCK
Please.
Don’t shoot the messenger --

HONEY
What the fuck HAPPENED?
TELL ME.

ROCK
The FBI -- beat us to the target.

HONEY
WHAT? How did that HAPPEN?
(to herself)
Fucking Bagger.
Perverted sonofabitch --

ROCK
Bugs texted me.
It seems Bag-man picked up
an assistant on the way,
which slowed down his approach --

Honey LEAPS up.
GRABS a paperweight off the desk.
THROWS it at the wall.

Rock DUCKS.
It HITS the plaster, CRACK.

HONEY
That LOSER. GODDAMMIT.

ROCK
I know, I know, I know --

HONEY
So tell me the fuck what HAPPENED.

ROCK
Uh, Bibi got shredded into chunks in sauce --
and Street and Nation got away.

Honey stops.
Cocks her head.
Eyes blinking madly.

HONEY
Well, at least it’s not ALL bad news.

ROCK
I’ve taken the liberty of diverting
The Bagger onto Street and Nation --
(beat)
Just wanted you to know.

HONEY
(throaty)
Close the door.

Rock does. Looks at her. Quizzical.

ROCK
What did you want to talk about, chief?

Honey walks over to him.
Puts her hand on his crotch.

HONEY
Shut the fuck up, Jason Bourne
and give me your ultimatum.
(beat)
Long and hard.

Reach Out And Kill Someone

Happy Monday, crime kids! Are you ready for another balls-out blast of hardboiled, hardcore pulp fucktion? Then fire up your I-phones, grab your weapons, and head on over to the coolest joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In today's chapter from our spy thriller NOWHERE GIRLS, just as Homeland Security agents April Street and Cherry Nation are about to escape from the safe house, they're suddenly attacked by FBI agents, and barely escape with their lives ...


INT. BIBI’S SAFE HOUSE - NIGHT
Serge hands the girls Uzi submachine guns and extra clips.

SERGE
Here. You’re going to need these --

APRIL
But I’ve got my trusty SIG-Sauer --

CHERRY
And I’ve got my Glock --

BIBI
(examines it)
Oooh. This is the new model --

Serge goes to a spot in the floor.
Pulls aside a rug, revealing a trap door.
He gets down, opens it. Looks at them.

SERGE
Good to have, just in case --

The back door EXPLODES in a massive FIREBALL -- BANG!
Two FBI AGENTS IN BLACK
stand in the doorway. Weapons aimed.

IRATE FBI AGENT
FBI, NOBODY MOVE -- YOU’RE UNDER ARREST!

Bibi WHIPS her weapon at them and start FIRING.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

Their bodies get SPRAYED with bullets.
HIT the ground. THWUMP, THWUMP.

CHERRY
Oh, SHIT --

APRIL
She just shot --

Serge YELLS at them,
half-way down into the tunnel.

SERGE
C’mon, LET’S GO.

The front door EXPLODES.
Three more AGENTS storm in.

Start FIRING at them in a SPRAY OF MACHINE GUN FIRE.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.

Cherry and April LEAP behind the couch. Return fire.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.

Bibi RACES for the open trap door,
but gets SHREDDED into a million pieces.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.

Her I-phone SKITTERS across the floor.
Serge GRABS it. Ducks.

A tear gas SMOKE BOMB flies across the room.
Lands at the girls’ feet.
Starts BILLOWING poisonous gas.

APRIL
SHIT!

The room starts filling with SMOKE.
The girls continue FIRING.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.

April sees the bag on the couch where Serge got the Uzis.
She leans over, opens it. Pulls out a GRENADE.

APRIL
YES. Come to MOMMA.

Cherry sees it. Eyes grow wide. April pulls out another.

CHERRY
Thank you baby JESUS.

APRIL
(hands one to Cherry)
You hit the back, I’ll get the front.

She raises her Uzi, fires at the front door,
keeping the agents at bay.

Two more AGENTS rush in the back door, step over the bodies.
Red high-beams on their weapons searching through the smoke.

The girls NOD. Pull the pins. THROW them. DUCK.

CHERRY’S GRENADE
Lands at the feet of the agents in the back. BOOM.
A massive FIREBALL engulfs them.
Wood and metal goes FLYING.

A pipe BURSTS.
Starts SPRAYING a fountain of water.

APRIL’S GRENADE
HITS the agents at the front door. BOOM.
Their bodies EXPLODE in a red mist.
SPRAYING the wood and metal that goes FLYING.

APRIL AND CHERRY
Look at each other. Nod.
Race toward the open trap door,
and FLY down the ladder.

IN THE TUNNEL ENTRANCE
Standing on the ladder, PELTED with debris,
April GRABS the trap door, and YANKS it shut. BANG.

They both exhale. Climb down into --

INT. TUNNEL CHAMBER - CONTINUOUS
Serge stands there, waiting, cradling his Uzi. Smiles grimly.

SERGE
Good work, ladies.
(beat)
Where’s Bibi?

CHERRY
Sorry. Bibi bit the bullet.

APRIL
GODDAMMIT.
She could have led us to Honey Almond’s location.

SERGE
(holds up the I-phone)
Not to worry. I have her phone.
(swipes it with his finger)
Have all the information you need, on demand.

APRIL
Nice. Reach out and kill someone --

Two Hooters, No Waiting

Happy Friday, crime freaks! Are you ready to take another non-stop thrill-ride to hell? Then tell your boss to SHOVE IT, and get your asses over to the coolest, hippest hardboiled joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In today's chapter from our thrilling spy flick NOWHERE GIRLS, it's the calm before the storm, as agents Cherry Nation, April Street and Bibi LaSalle get ready to flee the escape house ... because right now it's being surround by the FBI ... and black ops assassin 'The Bagger.'


INT. BIBI’S SAFE HOUSE - NIGHT
Bibi, Cherry and April sit on the couch with cups of coffee.
Serge looks at the door. Thinking.

SERGE
We have to get moving.
They’re gonna be here any minute.

BIBI
What do you mean?

APRIL
He’s right.
The United States government is after us.
We’re talking the state-of-the-fucking-art
spy satellite tracking, stealth GPS,
heat-seeking surveillance, the works.

CHERRY
Yeah. We better the get the fuck outta here.

BIBI
But where do we go?

SERGE
I have a motor home parked not far from here
for use in an emergency just like this.
It will be a little snug,
but it can be our temporary
base of operations until we find somewhere else.

APRIL
I like the sound of snug --

CHERRY
Down, girl.

EXT. BUNGALOW - SIDE ALLEY - NIGHT
The Bagger and Lemon creep carefully in the darkness.
Walk up to a side window. Try to peer in.

BAGGER
Damn blinds. Can’t see a fucking thing.

LEMON
Maybe we should go to the front door?

BAGGER
Which ruse, 'naughty census taker?'

LEMON
At this hour? In this outfit? Nah.
Was thinking Stripper-gram.

BAGGER
(nods)
Element of surprise. Distract ‘em.

LEMON
(opens her jacket)
Two hooters, no waiting.

The Bagger hears something.
Turns his head.

BAGGER
What was that?

LEMON
I heard it too --

BAGGER
(finger to lips)
Shhhh --

They quietly start creeping toward the house next door.

BAGGER
(sniffing)
Smells like G-men --

EXT. BIBI’S SAFE HOUSE - NIGHT - AT THAT MOMENT
A dozen FBI AGENTS in flak jackets pile out of
tricked-out SUV’s carrying submachine guns.
Start approaching the house quietly, surrounding it.

Sunday and Max get out of their vehicle.
Watch the action. Sunday lights up a smoke.

SUNDAY
I love the smell of estrogen in the evening.

MAX
So, uh -- do you ever let anyone -- join in?

SUNDAY
I laugh on your lapel, G-man.
In your DREAMS. Keep it up,
and I’ll report you for sexual HARASSMENT.
I’ve got Gloria Alred on SPEED-DIAL.

MAX
Jeez. Alright, okay --
(beat)
Don’t get your panties in a bind.
(smiles)
Whoops. I mean -- briefs.