That Bitch Is Dangerous

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 19 of NOWHERE GIRL, fugitive stripper with a suitcase nuke Cherry Nation and her posse try to get help from a heavy metal band in the Hollywood Hills. Meanwhile, Homeland Security agent April Street tangles with black ops spook Yuri Vlaovic on the Sunset Strip ...


INT. GARAGE - NIGHT
Small and dark, with soundproofing
on the walls and ceiling.

Four HAIRY MUSICIANS, all early 20’s,
are rocking out at a DEAFENING VOLUME.

Meet SKULL BONG.

The LEAD SINGER faces a mirror,
singing to his own image.
Practicing his moves.

LEAD SINGER
'And when Satan sings,
the blood will flow,
and the HELL-MOUTH will open for YOU -- '

The side door OPENS.
In walks Cherry, Peeler and Stan.

The band doesn’t notice,
lost in it’s dark reverie.

Cherry walks over to the circuit breaker.
SHUTS OFF the power.

The music DIES.
Lights go OFF.

LEAD SINGER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
DUDE. What the FUCK.

BASS PLAYER (V.O.)
I told you not to turn
the Marshall all the way up.

DRUMMER (V.O.)
It’s Satan, dude.
And he’s PISSED.

The lights SNAP back on.
Cherry points her gun at the band.

LEAD SINGER
(sees her)
Whoah. BABE alert.

CHERRY
Sorry to interrupt the concert, boys --
but I’ve been cuffed to a suitcase nuke,
my car just died, my ex-lover, the CIA
and Homeland security are hot on my trail,
and I gotta go visit some
Middle-Eastern terrorists up the hill.
(CLICKS the hammer)
So which one of you Ozzy-wanabes
is gonna be my tour guide?

EXT. SUNSET BOULEVARD - NIGHT - AT THAT MOMENT
Yuri chats with the cops.

April leans against the SUV,
her wrists tied in front
with one of those twist-ties.

Cheap. Light. Easy.
Effective. And PAINFUL.

YURI
Thanks for help, fellas.

CRAZED COP
You want us to escort you?
That bitch is dangerous.

YURI
I’ve got it, thanks.

The cops shrug, go back
to their car and get in.

Yuri GRABS April by the wrists.
Points his gun at her.

Opens the door.
SHOVES her in.

Slides her over to
the front passenger seat.

YURI (CONT’D)
(gets in)
Sit tight. No talking.

APRIL
Can you loosen it a bit?
It’s cutting off my circulation.

YURI
I said NO TALKING.

Yuri starts the engine.
Pulls out, enters traffic.

Driving one-handed, the other
pointing his gun at April.

APRIL
Where are you taking me?

He CRACKS her in the head
with his piece.
April REELS back.

YURI
You American broads WON’T LISTEN.
I said SHUT THE FUCK UP.

They drive down the strip.
Pass by shops and restaurants.

YURI (CONT’D)
Look at all this fucking tourist crap.
(beat)
Crafton wanted me to bring you in.
(turns, smiles)
But I told him I have better idea.
We get to play game.

APRIL
What kind of --

She shuts up.
Doesn’t want to get hit again.

YURI
Ah, you want to know
what kind of game?
Well, you see, back in Russia
we have special method
to get information.
Way that make Gitmo
look like Camp David.
(hisses)
Waterboarding. For BABIES.
(beat)
I pride myself in being able
to keep detainee alive for WEEKS,
sometimes MONTHS.
(nasty laugh)
We’re going to have
lot of fun, babushka.

The car stops at a light.
Yuri turns his head. Sees --

EXT. CRAZY HORSE STRIP CLUB - CONTINUOUS
A trio of HOT, FLASHY STRIPPERS
come out of the club, laughing.
All hair, legs and boobs.

IN THE CAR
Yuri watches them.
Puts his tongue between two fingers,
wriggles it like a snake.

ON THE SIDEWALK
Tall, curvy does a take.

TALL, CURVY BLOND STRIPPER
EW. Did you see what that guy just DID?

HOT HISPANIC STRIPPER
(walks over, SLAPS handbag against the window)
Mother-FUCKER.

HOT ASIAN STRIPPER
Me love you NO-TIME.

IN THE CAR
April takes advantage of the distraction.
PIVOTS in her seat, curls into a ball,
raises her boots, pulls them back, and --

SLAMS them into Yuri’s head,
CRACKING it into the window.


APRIL
Take THAT, motherfucker!

She KICKS again, HARDER, BANG --
squishing his head like a grape.
Blood SPRAYS. The window CRACKS.

ON THE SIDEWALK
The strippers FREAK.

TALL, CURVY BLOND STRIPPER
Holy fucking SHIT!

HOT HISPANIC STRIPPER
OhmiGOD!

HOT ASIAN STRIPPER
Let’s get the fuck OUTTA HERE.

And they TAKE OFF, high-heels
CLATTERING on the pavement.

IN THE CAR
April surveys the damage. Sniffs.

APRIL
Fucker smells like cabbage --