Shit My Pants

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Hump Day. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 15 of NOWHERE GIRL, stripper with a suitcase nuke Cherry Nation and hipster Peeler Mardo need news wheels, so they go to a movie theater ... and hijack a film nerd. Meanwhile, undercover Homeland Security agent April Street fends off the advances of Palestinian arms dealer Avi Abbas ...


EXT. SUNSET BLVD - ARCLIGHT THEATER - NIGHT
Cherry and Peeler watch a crowd of people
filing out of the theater.
Chatting about the movie they just saw.

CHERRY
Let’s find a film nerd.

PEELER
And follow him.

As if on cue, a fuzzy-faced FILM GEEK (20)
walks away from the crowd.
Talking on his cell phone.

FILM GEEK
It was INCREDIBLE.
Charlie Kaufman is a GENIUS.
I have to see it again,
there are so many layers --

CHERRY
Follow me.

They fall into step behind him.

He walks down the sidewalk,
turns onto a cross street.

Cherry and Peeler follow.

DOWN THE SIDE STREET
Film Geek reaches his car.
A piece of shit ‘79 Toyota Celica.

Covered with bumper stickers.
PETA. PHISH. PANAVISION.

He puts his key in the door.
Opens it. Cherry walks over.

CHERRY (CONT’D)
Excuse me.

FILM GEEK
C-can I help you?

CHERRY
Give me the keys to your car.

FILM GEEK
I -- d-don’t understand.

Cherry pulls out her GUN.
Aims it at him.

CHERRY
I said GIVE ME THE KEYS.

Peeler appears.

PEELER
Give her the keys, dude.
Chick is DANGEROUS.
(whispers to Cherry)
Where’d you get the gat?

CHERRY
That agent chick dropped it
back at Jumbo’s.

Geek hands her the keys.
Looks like he’s gonna cry.

CHERRY (CONT'D)
Hey, lighten up.
We’re not going to hurt you.
We just need your car.

GEEK
I drove all the way from SYLMAR.
How am I supposed to get HOME?

PEELER
We could take him with us.

CHERRY
Are you fucking kidding me?
We’d be putting him
in a lot of danger.

GEEK
Don’t worry about me.
I’ll sit in the back seat
and be real quiet, I promise.
It’s okay.
D-d-danger is my middle name.
(beat)
I’m Stan, by the way.

PEELER
(to Cherry)
C’mon.
We’re taking the dude’s wheels.

CHERRY
Goddammit.
(beat)
Okay.
(to Stan)
Stay in the back, be quiet --
and no questions. Got it?

STAN
G-got it.
(beat)
Oh, SHIT.

CHERRY
What’s wrong NOW?

STAN
Shit my pants --

INT. MERCEDES SUV - MOVING - NIGHT
April drives west on Sunset,
passes the Arclight Theater.
Looks at her PDA. Scowls.

APRIL
Now they’re moving again. Shit.

She PUMPS the gas,
starts SWERVING through traffic.

Her cell phone RINGS.
She picks it up, listens.

APRIL (CONT’D)
Avi.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. DOWNTOWN LOFT - NIGHT
Avi sits at his desk,
looks at data on his computer monitor.

AVI
You fucking BITCH.
First you fuck up the drop,
and then you KILL my employee?

APRIL
Your EMPLOYEE gave the package
to the WRONG PERSON.
I was about to
GET THE PACKAGE from her,
and he fucking MESSED IT UP.
And then tried to KILL ME.
(beat)
Do me a favor and
hold onto your dick, ALRIGHT?
I’m gonna get the package
and deliver it, before dawn.
GOT IT?

Pause.

AVI
How do I know I can trust you?

APRIL
My god, you Palestinians
are fucking PARANOID.
Will you just let me DO MY JOB?

AVI
Okay, okay, okay.
(beat)
You’ll call me after the drop?

APRIL
Yeah.

AVI
Then maybe --
we could grab a little --
early breakfast?

April CLICKS her phone shut.

APRIL
As if.