The Vagina Tech Massacre

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of LEGS, Episode Two, private eye Carrie Love goes to visit her ex-husband, homicide detective Bernie Keko for a little help with her new case ...


INT. DETECTIVE’S SQUAD ROOM - DUSK
The bullpen. Various DETECTIVES sit at desks
reading files, interviewing suspects, shooting the shit.

Homicide dick BERNIE KEKO (40’s),
big and bulky, good-looking on a budget,
talks on the phone.

BERNIE
Better watch out.
He’s gonna be up your ass
faster than a college football coach
in a basement rec room --
(strange voice)
Better relax your sphincter muscles
little fella, cause I’m comin’ IN.

Carrie walks in.
She heard that.
Makes a face.

Bernie sees her.
Face goes white.
Into the phone --

BERNIE
Just stay away from him, capiche?
Gotta go. Thyroid Mary just walked in.

He SLAMS the phone down.

CARRIE
'Thyroid Mary?'
That’s a new one.

BERNIE
Oh, you should hear all the names
we’ve got for you. I
t’s a game we play.
Endless hours of amusement.

A FAT DETECTIVE (30’s),
turns, looks, smiles.

FAT DETECTIVE
Lezzie Borden.

A TALL, SKINNY DETECTIVE (50’s)
raises his cup of coffee.

TALL, SKINNY DETECTIVE
Snatchwoman.

A BUTCH FEMALE DETECTIVE (30’s)
winks at Carrie.

BUTCH FEMALE DETECTIVE.
Sapho Hawkins.

An ASIAN DETECTIVE,
not looking up from his file, chimes in.

ASIAN DETECTIVE
The Vagina Tech Massacre.

The GREY-HAIRED CHIEF OF DETECTIVES (60’s)
steps out from his office.
Raises a flask.

GREY-HAIRED CHIEF OF DETECTIVES
Ellen Degenerate.

CARRIE
Wow. I’m really feeling the love, people.
(goes to Bernie’s desk, sits)
I kinda like Snatchwoman.
Maybe I’ll make up some T-shirts.

BERNIE
I’m sorry, Legs,
but I don’t have time
for your shenanigans today.
I’ve got a triple murder to solve.

CARRIE
You mean the crazed gunman
that shot up a Starbucks this morning?

BERNIE
Yeah, lucky for us
he ordered a decaf.
Place was packed.

CARRIE
I need your help, Bernie.
It’s urgent.

BERNIE
The judge ruled
‘no alimony payments,’ remember?

CARRIE
No, seriously.
It’s my new client.
Her father’s the head
of an Israeli crime family.

BERNIE
Not my bailiwick.
Go to the Feds.
Homey don’t do mobsters.

CARRIE
It’s not about THAT.
She’s an actress.
Met with a producer about a role,
and her father’s goons
did a Godfather on him as a warning --

BERNIE
They put a HORSE’S HEAD in his bed?

CARRIE
No. They beat the shit out of him
with a baseball bat.
He’s now in a coma.

BERNIE
So what did she hire you to do?

CARRIE
She wants to be emancipated.
I’m supposed to go talk to him about it.
Figured I could use a little backup.

BERNIE
Why don’t you bring
The Horse Muncher?

CARRIE
That’s over, Bernie.

BERNIE
Oh, that’s right.
Heard you were shacking up
with a porn star these days --

CARRIE
How did you --
(beat)
Never mind.

Bernie looks at her. Sighs.

BERNIE
I’m sorry, Carrie.
But the press is having
a field day with this one.
If we don’t get this perp pronto,
it’s not gonna be safe to order
a chai soy latte in this town.

CARRIE
(gets up)
Can’t blame a gal for trying.
(beat)
Have you lost some weight?

BERNIE
Sorry. Not gonna work.

CARRIE
Okay. See ya.

Carrie turns to go.

BERNIE
Be careful, okay?
And let me know what happens.

CARRIE
Will do.

She starts to leave.

BERNIE
Can I ask you something?

CARRIE
(stops, over her shoulder)
What?

BERNIE
Is it true what they say
about fucking a porn star?

CARRIE
(as she leaves)
That’s for me to know,
and you to eat out --