Crazy As A Fox

Hey there, crime kids. Happy Monday. It's cold and wet and rainy here at the beach, but I've got just the thing to warm things up -- because it's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 6 of BABY HEISTER, after teenage wannabe bank robber Kelsey Hazard gets expelled from school for beating the shit out of a bully, her grandfather makes her get a job, which REALLY pisses her off ...


INT. DOC'S FARMHOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Doc stares at Kelsey. Pointing at her.
Livid. Beyond upset.

DOC
God-DAMMIT, Kelsey.
How could you get expelled
ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL?

KELSEY
I told you.
It was self-defense.

DOC
You broke the kid’s NOSE.

KELSEY
He shoved me
UP AGAINST A WALL.
Called me a CUNT.

DOC
Then you cursed out
THE PRINCIPAL.
What the fuck, Kelsey?
What were you THINKING?

KELSEY
I told you.
I don’t WANNA
go to school.
I don’t BELONG there.
I wanna be a HEISTER.

DOC
We’ve already discussed this.

KELSEY
If YOU won’t teach me,
I found someone who WILL.

DOC
Oh? And who is that?

KELSEY
Ray Stark,
that guy at the wake.
Saw him again at
The Lounge last night.
Nice guy.
Offered to help me out.

DOC
I don’t trust him.
There’s something fishy about him.
Nobody at the funeral knew him.
I want you to stay away.

KELSEY
What if I say no?

DOC
If you’re gonna
live in MY house,
you stay away from him --
and get a JOB.

KELSEY
A JOB?

DOC
Well, if you’re
not gonna go to school,
you’re gonna have
to do SOMETHING.

KELSEY
What kinda job
can I get around HERE?

DOC
Drove by The Stop N’ Gulp today.
Saw a 'Help Wanted' sign.

KELSEY
The Stop N’ Gulp?
Are you fucking CRAZY?

DOC
Crazy as a fox, Kelsey.
(beat)
Crazy as a fox.

EXT. GAS STATION / CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
A local filling station just off the freeway.
Been around forever, and looks it.

But the Stop N’ Gulp
next to it is a fairly new.

A sign reads
TWO FOR ONE BURRITOS.

Doc’s pickup drives in.
Parks in space right in front.

Kelsey gets out.
Looks at it with disgust.
Walks in.

INT. STOP N’ GULP - DAY
Some sappy country-and-western song
plays on an ancient boom box
behind the counter.

The usual rows of junk food.
Beer and soda behind glass cases.

Slurpee machine.
Tiny, shitty microwave
for heating up shit.

A small fan pushes around
the fetid air.

Sitting behind the counter
is VERNE (60’s), the manager.

Good ol’ boy from Louisiana.
Round, pleasant face. Big gut.

Right now he’s
reading a girlie magazine.
Eyes filled with lust.

A bell on the door JINGLES.
Kelsey walks in.

Walks up to the counter.
Leans against it.
Lowers her shades.

KELSEY
I’m here about the job.

Verne looks up. Holy shit.
He stares at her chest.

VERNE
Ever work in a convenience store?

KELSEY
Nope.

VERNE
Ever work a register?

KELSEY
I can learn.
How hard can it be?

VERNE
You’re hired.