Be It Ever So Humble

Hey there, crime kids. Happy New Year. I trust you all had an unhealthy, dangerous holiday season -- and that you're like me in that you are FUCKING GLAD it's all over with.

So, now -- it's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 20 of LITTLE GIRL BLUE, private eye Carrie Love and homicide dick Bernie Keko capture Tolly Chill's goons who have invaded Carrie's mother's house, and grab one of their walkie talkies -- so they're not only able to hear white slave trafficker Tolly Chill's plan of attack, they can call for help ...


INT. SECURITY PATROL CAR - NIGHT
Tip is fast asleep. He snores lightly.
The radio SQUAWKS.

BITCHY DISPATCHER (O.C.)
Base to Unit Three, come in.

But he’s really sawing wood.
Dead to the world.

BITCHY DISPATCHER (O.C.) (CONT'D)
BASE TO UNIT THREE, do you COPY?

Tip SNORTS. Must be a great dream.

BITCHY DISPATCHER (O.C.) (CONT'D)
UNIT THREE, ARE YOU THERE?

He stirs. Opens his eyes. Looks at the radio.
Reaches over, grabs the transmitter.

TIP
This is Unit -- Three. Whassup?

BITCHY DISPATCHER
Have a nice nap?

TIP
I wasn’t sleeping.
(rubs his eyes)
Is that you, Dick? You sound -- different.

BITCHY DISPATCHER
NO, it’s not DICK. This is Germaine.

TIP
Gare-main?

GERMAINE
I’m a temp.

TIP
Oh. So what’s up?

GERMAINE
Got a call. Shots fired.
Sixteen hundred block of Sunset.
Probably a crank, but you should check it out.

TIP
It’s Christmas Eve, for Chrissakes. It’s a crank.

GERMAINE
Better check it out. A stitch in time.

TIP
Gee. Thanks for the pearls of wisdom.

GERMAINE
I don’t think I like your attitude.

TIP
That makes two of us, fella.

GERMAINE
Asshole.

TIP
FREAK.

He shuts off the radio. Pissed off.
He starts the engine.

TIP (CONT’D)
Well, that’ll wake you up --

EXT. MARGO’S MANSION - BACK YARD
It’s really coming down now. Snow drifts everywhere.
The joint is now like a white shroud.

Tolly and Porkpie stand on the ladder,
now up against another window.
Porkpie’s at the top. Looks down at Tolly.

TOLLY
Try to open it. Slowly.
Don’t make any noise.

PORKPIE
Fucking snow. Ladder is slippery.
Hold my ankles, willya?

Tolly does. Porkpie reaches up.
Holds onto the bottom of the window.
Gives it a push. It opens.

PORKPIE (CONT’D)
Hey. Look what I found under the tree.

TOLLY
So make like Saint Nick
and get the fuck in there.

INT. GUEST ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Carrie and Bernie listen at the connecting door.
She gives him a look that says
‘you hear anything?’ Bernie shrugs.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

INT. CARRIE’S ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Mick presses his ear against the door.
Breathing heavily.

CARRIE
looks at Bernie. Points.
Mouths 'he’s right there.'

She grabs the doorknob.
Nods with her head toward the room. He nods.

She steps to the side --
and YANKS the door open.

Mick FALLS into the room, BANG.
HITS the floor.

She CRACKS him on the head
with her gun. LEAPS on top of him.

CARRIE
Get his GUN!

Bernie reaches for it,
but Mick THROWS Carrie off.

She FLIES across the room,
hits the wall with a THWUMP.

He WHIRLS AROUND, and PUNCHES
Bernie in the stomach, OOF.

ENRAGED, he stands up.
Points his pistol at Bernie.

MICK
Prepare to die, COCKSUCKER.

Carrie comes up behind him, and
BASHES him on the head with a chair. CRACK.
He goes down like a ton of bricks.

BERNIE
Like old times.

CARRIE
Always were a great team.

Carrie sees his walkie talkie on the floor.
She picks it up.

CARRIE (CONT’D)
This should come in handy.
(nods at Mick)
What should we do with him?

BERNIE
Tie him up and take him downstairs
where the others can keep an eye on him.

CARRIE
Take him hostage?

BERNIE
I’m an officer of the law,
placing him under arrest.

CARRIE
More like house arrest.

BERNIE
Hey. Be it ever so humble --

INT. GERO’S BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Gero lies in bed watching an old gangster movie on TV.

GERO
They’re sure taking their sweet time.

He picks up the phone.
Dials a number. Listens.

GERO (CONT’D)
Shit. Must be the weather.

Gero gets out of bed.
Pads over to the dresser.
Picks up his walkie talkie.
CLICKS it on.

GERO (CONT’D)
TOLLY, where the fuck are you?
What’s going on? You get the broad yet?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Tolly speaks into his walkie.

TOLLY
Hey, pop. Fucking snowstorm’s a bitch.
But we made it. We’re here.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. GUEST BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
Carrie holds the walkie. Looks at Bernie.

CARRIE
Hey there, scumbag.
Snowstorm’s a bitch, and SO AM I.

GERO
Who the fuck is THAT?

TOLLY
YOU. How’d you get on this line?

CARRIE
Well, let’s see -- Paulie Walnuts is dead,
and we’ve got the Mick tied up in knots.
Why don’t you come join the party?

GERO
What the fuck?

TOLLY
Send more men, Pop.
We’re in Beverly Hills, on Sunset Boulevard.

GERO
What’s the address?

TOLLY
Shit. I -- left the GPS thing in the car.

CARRIE
Now that’s what I call 'a well-oiled machine.'

TOLLY
Fuck you, bitch.
(to Gero)
I’ll call you back later.
When we’ve got some PRIVACY.

He CLICKS off the walkie.
Looks at Porkpie. Pissed off.
Gero shuts off his. Incensed.

CARRIE
Looks at Bernie.

CARRIE
We’ve got a lifeline.
We can call for help.

She switches the frequency.
Punches the TALK button.

CARRIE (CONT'D)
Hello, can anyone hear me?
It’s an emergency.
We’re being attacked by intruders --

TIP (O.C.)
Hey, you kids -- get off this line,
it’s for emergencies only.

CARRIE
I’m not a kid, this is for real.

TIP (O.C.)
Yeah, right -- ho, ho, ho.