Tales From The Crib

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In Chapter 38 of WILSHIRE BOULEVARD, born-again wannabe TV-movie producer Ken Rice shoots his next porno starring hulking freak Rat Kodick ... which brings a whole new meaning to the word 'kinky' ...


INT. SHITTY MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
The shitty motel room from Nikki’s shoot.
We see a FOOD TROUGH,
like used for farm animals.

Next to it, a baby’s PLAYPEN.
Above it, a MOBILE swings in the breeze.

In the playpen sits RAT,
dressed like a baby.

In a diaper. Little doily cap.
Holding a rattle. Beyond humiliated.

KEN
Okay. We’re almost ready.
Just let me just take a light reading --

RAT
This is stupid.
I feel ridiculous.

KEN
(looks at light meter)
Nonsense. You look great.
You’d make any Poppa proud.

RAT
I’m not sure I wanna do this.

KEN
Silly boy.
Do you realize
HOW MUCH Tales From The Crib PAYS?

RAT
'Tales From The Crib?'

KEN
It’s a specialty book.
Retails for fifty bucks.
And they pay TOP DOLLAR
for quality material.
I’m billing them five-k for fifty shots --
and I’m giving YOU ten percent.

RAT
Ten percent? So that would be --

KEN
Five hundred smackeroos, my boy.
Think of how many comic books
you could buy with THAT.

RAT
What’s the deal with the lasagna?
Is that why you told me
not to eat any breakfast?

KEN
Well you see, to some people,
the sight of a great, big
bear of a man chowing down
ravenously is quite sensual.
There’s a whole market for that, too.
So I had a brainstorm -- combine them,
and voila -- infantilism and binge eating.
We play our cards right,
and I can sell some shots to
'Glutton For Punishment.'

RAT
I AM starving --

KEN
That’s my boy.
Now stick that pacifier in,
and let’s get this shindig STARTED.

Rat puts the pacifier in.
Smiles weakly.

KEN
And, ACTION --

Rat WAVES the rattle.

KEN
Okay. You’re SAD.
Where’s Poppa? I’m HUNGRY.

The hulking infant pouts.
Eyes tear up.

KEN
(takes a shot, CLICK, WHIRR)
My god. He’s a natural.
Okay -- now you’ve got GAS.
You’re in PAIN.

Rat screws his face up.
Eyes BULGE. Face turns red. He FARTS.

KEN
(CLICK, WHIRR)
Holy smokes!
He can break wind ON CUE.
Nice! Okay -- now you’re HAPPY.
Poppa’s home!
And he’s going to
change your DIAPER
and powder your PEE-PEE!

He grins wildly.
SHAKES the rattle.
Grabs his diaper.

KEN
(CLICK, WHIRR)
Very good, VERY good -- okay.
Now baby’s all clean --
and it’s time for DINNER!
(beat)
Let ‘er rip!

Rat TOSSES the rattle.
SPITS OUT the pacifier.

Leans over the trough.
SHOVES his face in the food.
STUFFS HIS FACE with lasagna.

SNORTING like a pig.
Food goes FLYING.

KEN
EXCELLENT. More, more!
You’re STARVING.

Ken puts a hand on his crotch.
Slowly rubs it.

KEN
Yes, YES.
You haven’t eaten for DAYS.
You are INSATIABLE. EAT, my son!
(low, to himself)
Poppa’s gonna take care
of his little boy.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
What the FUCK is going on here?

NIKKI
stands in the doorway.
Pistol aimed at Ken.
Vibrating with uncut venom.

NIKKI
You fucking pervert.

KEN
(deer in headlights)
N-Nikki -- what brings you here?

Rat stares.
Food all over his face.

NIKKI
You were rubbing one out
to a man dressed like a BABY?

KEN
Of course not.
This is a shoot
for the specialty market.
'Adventures in Babyland.'
Catchy, huh?
(beat)
Put the gun down, Nikki.
Don’t do something stupid.

NIKKI
Stupid? Stupid? STUPID?
How about threatening my FATHER
with your STUPID PORN FILM.
You have NO IDEA what
I’ve just been through --

A bright red rivulet of blood
starts running out of her nose.

RAT
Ha. Look at her nose.
Stupid cunt.

NIKKI
Shut up!

She wipes her hand on her nose.
Sees the blood. SHRIEKS.

NIKKI
I’m BLEEDING.

Rat LUNGES at Nikki.
But she’s too fast.

She PLUGS three shots --
BANG, BANG, BANG.

Rat hits the floor
with a THUD.

KEN
Please. Anything you want.
Just don’t kill me. Please.
(crosses himself)
Dear Lord Jesus --

NIKKI
Jesus? Jesus doesn’t
give a shit about you.
Or me, either.
(points the gun)
You ruined my life,
and now I’m going to ruin yours.

KEN
Money. How about money?
You want money?
Everybody wants money.
I’ve got ten grand in my account.
It’s yours, all of it.

NIKKI
I could get my surgery --

KEN
YES. You CAN.
How about it?
We can go to the bank
tomorrow morning.

Nikki places the gun
against Ken’s head.

NIKKI
Gimmee your ATM card. Now.

KEN
Please don’t SHOOT!

Ken pulls out his wallet.
Hands it over.

A SIREN screams.

NIKKI
(CLICKS the safety)
Gimmee your PIN NUMBER.

KEN
J-john 12:11!

NIKKI
Praise the LORD --

She FIRES, BANG.
Ken’s head EXPLODES,
splattering the wall.

NIKKI
And pass the AMMUNITION.