Tricks Are For Chicks

Happy Tuesdsay, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 23 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty fends off a creepy Armani suit at a trendy nightclub. Meanwhile, porn star Laura Lang prepares for a most unusual 'electric' adult film shoot ...


EXT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT
An ugly, gutteral-twisting techno groove --
Curve’s violent, feminine WISH YOU DEAD.

Pain. Hollywood’s glittering club-of-the-moment.
Celeb-filled. Self-conscious. Fabulous.

A cluster of TRENDIES lay in wait
behind the velvet rope.

INT. PAIN - BAR - CONTINUOUS
Sparkle sits on a bar stool,
sips a chilled Twisted Nipple.

SPARKLE (V.O.)
Okay, here’s the thing.
I’m gonna spell it out for ya.
No subtext here, just the straight poop.
Ready on the poop deck!

A DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
slides onto the next stool.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
Hi, there.

SPARKLE
What’s the hub-bub, bub?

The MBA stares, confused -- then recovers.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
40’s noir. Love it.
You must be a writer.

SPARKLE
As if. What-ever. Gag me.
Your bad. We must not do lunch.
Have your people tell my people
to shove it up your ass.
Buh-bye. Bigger, better offer.
(sips drink, off his look)
'Tex' Avery, 1950’s. Cartoons, big fella.
Big fucking Bugs Bunny -- whassup, doc.
Silly rabbit, tricks are for chicks.

Pause.

DOLCE AND GABANNA SUIT
Uh -- right.
(pulls out prescription bottle,
hands it to her)
Here. Take a couple of these.
They’ll level you out.

He leaves, muttering to himself.

SPARKLE
(sings)
Your love is giving me bad medicine --

She sips her cocktail. Lights a Dunhill.
Laughs to herself.

SPARKLE (V.O.)(CONT'D)
Kay. Gonna smash all your
precious little myths.
Yes, my dad was a closet case
that drowned himself in
Iron City beer and Broadway musicals --
and yes, my dear, sweet mama
finger-fucked her precious
little beauty pageant prisoner.
(beat)
But that’s not why I’m doing this -- no way, Jose.
This chick’s not into it for some kind of
emotionally scarred payback kinda thing.
This ain’t no party, this ain’t no disco,
this ain’t no fooling around.
It’s just -- fun. It’s a high.
Better than coming.
(beat)
C’mon, admit it.
You’ve got someone in your life
you’d like to do bodily harm to,
maybe even kill.
Your neighbor, someone at work.
Maybe, if you’re really blessed,
an ex-lover? Or, if you’ve been chosen,
found your calling -- a relative.
(beat)
Yeah, that’s a good one. Blow em up.
Imagine how great it feels to
totally obliterate the demented creators
of your misery and pain.
It’s like having a big bowl of instant karma,
served with mother’s milk -- and Daddy’s banana.

EXT./INT. UNDERCOVER VEHICLE - MOVING - NIGHT
Bernie drives. Jesus Valentine rides shotgun.
Eats a banana. Slowly. With relish.

KEKO
(looks at Jesus)
You’re enjoying that way too much.

VALENTINE
(mouth full)
Huh?

KEKO
It’s like you’re going down
on that fucking thing.

VALENTINE
Fuck you, fuckin’ homophobe.
I like to -- savor it.

KEKO
SAVOR it?

VALENTINE
Just because you have a shitty vocabulary,
don’t get testy with me.
(sees something)
Hey, that’s it.

INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY
A real soundstage.
A surprisingly good set.

This is a porno with a budget.
Production value. A CREW.

Laura is on a chrome gurney,
very Barbarella in plastic and vinyl.

Bored look covering her dread.
Her creeping panic.

KLAUS
Take number 4 and 5 up a bit more, please.

BURLY GRIP
Brighter? More brighter?

KLAUS
No. Make it darker.
So we can’t fucking see her.
(mutters to himself)
Non-union idiot.

LAURA
What are you,
taking a fucking light reading?

KLAUS
Hold your horsies,
my little turtle-dove.
(to a tech)
Let’s try the music.
Check the levels.

TECH (O.S.)
Scary gothic Nazi tunes coming right up.

The soaring, over-the-top
stormtrooper-in-love sound of
Ultravox’s LOVE’S GREAT ADVENTURE
blasts at full-volume.

KLAUS
Ja. Too sexy for my fucken T-shirt.
(to a PA)
The dry ice! Start the dry ice!

A dense fog sweeps into frame.
Circles his waist.

Klaus hands Laura a CONTROL BOX,
demonstrates the knobs.

KLAUS (CONT'D)
This one controls the amps --
this one for the watts --
this, for the frequency modulation --

LAURA
And the Energizer Pussy
just keeps on getting electrocuted.

KLAUS
You snicker now, my bitter Fraulein,
but you have never scaled the heights
that the Pandora Box will take you.
Never felt such pleasure,
such ecstacy, such bliss.

Laura slowly turns a knob,
gets a JOLT in her privates.

LAURA
Ow, FUCK! Bollocks!
(beat)
Fuckin’ bliss is gonna blow
my bloody fusebox.

KLAUS
Yes! She’s angry! That hurts!
But it feels so good!
Ach de lieber -- mein chubby!
(throws up his arms)
Speed! Roll video! Magic time!