Guilty By Ass-ociation

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking HUMP DAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 28 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, homicide detective Bernie Keko and his new partner find teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty's 'secret lair.' Meanwhile, Sparkle begins her siege at the Bargain Clown Mart on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood ...


EXT. SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD - CIRCUS OF BOOKS - NIGHT
Bernie’s SUV slows, slides into a parking space
in front of a row of storefronts.

The detectives get out. Walk to a doorway.
Faint club music THUMP-THUMPS from within.

VALENTINE
It’s the right address.

KEKO
This is a book store.

VALENTINE
Yeah, but check out the tweaker tunes.
Fits the profile.

Jesus flings his banana peel onto the sidewalk.

KEKO
Hey. Someone could slip and fall on that.

VALENTINE
Just like in the cartoons, man.

KEKO
(rings the buzzer)
We’ve checked every fucking club in Boy’s Town.
I’m starting to feel guilty by ass-sociation.
Whattaya say if this isn’t it, we go snag a burger?

VALENTINE
How about -- pizza?

KEKO
(rings again)
The pork thing?

VALENTINE
(shrugs)
Hey. We’re the pigs.

The door OPENS. A small, skinny MAN appears.
Boyish in jeans and striped sleeveless-T.
Perfect, cropped beard.

SKINNY MAN
I’m sorry. We’re closed on Mondays.

KEKO
(flashes his badge)
Detectives Keko and Valentine.
Can we have a moment of your time?

SKINNY MAN
(eyes flashing)
Honey, you can have more than that.

EXT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - DUSK
The trippy, pretty drone of Morrissey’s
SHOPLIFTERS OF THE WORLD, UNITE.

A warehouse full of cheap, giant-sized foodstuffs.
'Topsy the Clown' proclaims TRIPLE COUPON’S SUNDAY.

INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - CONTINUOUS
The too-brightly lit bottom rung of retail crap
is fairly bustling with low-rent, food stamp SHOPPERS.

A raggedy, eye-liner smeared EMO KID
grabs a container of FROSTY-WHIP,
and SHOOONK-SHOOONK, SNORTS it up his nose --

Crumples to the floor, rushing --
white cream on his face.

IN ANOTHER AISLE
a FAT WOMAN picks up a gallon-sized jar
of Cheese Wizzard. Looks around.
Screws it open. Dips a finger, tastes. Mmm.

Suddenly -- POP -- and a bullet CRACKS
into the side, sending it to the floor with a CRASH.

FAT WOMAN
What the fuck?

AT THE OTHER END OF THE AISLE
is SPARKLE. Brandishing a pair of pink Uzis.

SPARKLE
Hey, there -- hefty hideaway,
c’mon and join the party.
You like animal balloons? --
cause I’m gonna tie you up in knots.

THE FAT WOMAN
freezes in her tracks.

SPARKLE
Yo, chubbo. Got some angry clowns
wanna have a word with you.

INT. CIRCUS OF BOOKS - SECOND FLOOR CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS
Skinny leads Keko and Valentine down a hallway.

SKINNY MAN
She is a bit odd --
but she always pays her rent on time.
Sometimes early. Real cute.
Looks like Britney.
Has a lot of visitors.
If only I could get that kinda action --

They get to her door.
Skinny fishes out his master key.

SKINNY MAN (CONT'D)
(tries to open the door)
Fucking cunt must’ve changed the lock.

KEKO
(looks at Valentine)
I’ve got an idea --

VALENTINE
One, two --

And they KICK DOWN the door -- BANG.

SKINNY MAN
Hey!

KEKO
(hands him his card)
City will pay for it --

INT. SPARKLE’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Keko, Valentine and Skinny regard the decor.

SKINNY MAN
Ooo. I LOVE what she’s done to the place.
Gotta real queer eye --

KEKO
(to Skinny)
Would you mind leaving us alone for a bit?
Might turn out to be a crime scene.

SKINNY MAN
(goes to the door)
I’ll go make some coffee.

And he leaves.

VALENTINE
I think he likes you.

KEKO
Fuck you.
(looks around)
It looks like that guy’s place
who was caught jerking off in a movie theater.

They start searching the joint.

VALENTINE
Pee-Wee Herman. Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.
Loved that show. Did you know that
Cowboy Curtis was played by a
very young Lawrence Fishburn?
(does impression)
I know you are, but what am I? ARRRRGHH!
(beat)
Most people don’t realize that Paul Reubens
is a gifted comic actor who created
a vast array of hilarious characters,
but was unfortunately typecast as Pee-Wee.

KEKO
And you’re going to be typecast
as an asshole who won’t shut the fuck --
(beat)
Hey, check it out.

He points at Sparkle’s pink I-Mac.

On the screen:

TO DO:
Clean weapons.
Shower and change.
Fill the tank.
Take Clown Mart Hostage.
(Arrive at ‘magic hour’ for best coverage.)
Reunite Carrie and Bernie.
Kill them.

KEKO AND VALENTINE
stare at the monitor.

KEKO
What the fuck is the ‘Clown Mart?’

VALENTINE
Discount store on Sunset.

KEKO
Then let’s go shopping.
Time for the blue light special --