Pageant Princess From Hell

Happy X, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 31 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, we're reached the next-to-last chapter, where homicide detective Carrie Love faces off with teenage serial Sparkle Plenty, just as her ex-partner arrives on the scene to lend a hand ...


EXT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER
A gridlock of COPS, several NEWS CREWS --
And a crowd of GAWKING SPECTATORS.

Larry PUSHES toward Carrie -- GRABS her.

LIPSHITZ
Are you okay? What’s going on?
How many people are dead?
What’s she like?
Does she have any demands?
Are you okay? Can I get you --

CARRIE
Larry! Slow down. Slow down. Slow down.
(beat)
I’m okay. But there’s dozens of
dead smart shoppers in there --
and one barely breathing bimbo.
And I don’t give a fuck what she’s like --
this pageant princess from hell
is right now in the middle of
a midnight-movie breakdown --
and she’s demanding that we get
the fucking media in there immediately --
so unless you have a better idea --
then I suggest we grab some prime time meat
and do a little dance
with little Missy devil dog.

LIPSHITZ
(gestures around him)
Go get ‘em tiger. Pick a channel.

She looks around at the REPORTERS,
lights, cameras, CREWS.

A MULTI-ETHNIC CREW, 'TELEVISO.'

HISPANIC REPORTER
Mira, mira! Televiso! Televiso!

LIVE AT FIVE -- with a GLOSSY NEWS GUY,
grim -- but excited.

GLOSSY NEWS GUY
Live at Five, Miss Love! Live at Five!

CNN. The big boys.
With a STUNNING NEWS BABE.

STUNNING NEWS BABE
Carrie. Been a long time.

CARRIE
gulps.

CARRIE
Veronica. You got your dream job.
(beat)
You look great.

VERONICA
You never called.

CARRIE
Please, I’ll grovel at your feet later.
Lick your shoes. Anything you want, I swear.
But right now we gotta meet the press.

INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - MOMENTS LATER
Veronica and the CREW
creep up to Sparkle on tip-toes.

SPARKLE
Jesus Christ, this is the 'Action News?'
Lighten up, this is the big scoop,
the exclusive -- it’s the fucking sweeps!
Play it right, and your career
goes into overdrive.
Fuckin’ quote’s gonna go through the roof.

VERONICA
(shoves mike toward Sparkle)
Veronica Sawyer, Miss Plenty, CNN.
I must say this the most
unusual interview I’ve ever done.
You’ll have to pardon me
if I’m a little bit scared shitless.

SPARKLE
(crazy smile)
Pleased to meet ya, Ronnie.
And please, call me Sparkle.
It’s truly an honor.
Love that action, love that news.

VERONICA
Do you realize we’re making
broadcast history, Miss -- Sparkle?
Right now at this very moment,
over a hundred million people
around the world are watching us.

SPARKLE
Then take me to your global village, anchor babe.
Lets get that demographic.
(to the cameraman)
Bring it in closer,
I want to hear them gasp --
wanna hear them say, but gosh,
she’s so pretty.

CARRIE
shoves her gun in Veronica’s face.
GRABS her mike.

CARRIE
Before you get your precious footage --
I need to borrow your transmission.

VERONICA
Bitch.
(into the camera)
As you can see, Detective Love
has just commandeered my crew.

SPARKLE
Hey, you can’t shoot her!
I’m gonna shoot her!

INT. ACTION NEWSROOM - AT THAT MOMENT
The ANCHORS and CREW watch on monitors
with uncontained glee.

LINA
Get her! Kick her fucking ass!

BROCK
Shoot the bitch! Shoot the bitch!

INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - CONTINUOUS
Carrie gets closer, looks into the camera.

CARRIE
Laura -- I hope you’re watching this.
I just wanna say I’m sorry.
I really fucked up.
What you do for a living is your choice,
it’s none of my business,
and I had no right to judge you.
I just got scared --
that machine almost killed you.
Almost fried what I pray to.
(beat)
At least what you do is honest.
I mean, I fuck people too,
but they don’t have an orgasm.
They just get a slimy sandwich a
nd a scary new roommate.
Please forgive me.
Come back, baby.
My sheets are dry.

KEKO (O.S.)
Well, what have we got here?
One of the dolls get out of her box?

Sparkle WHIPS an Uzi toward the voice,
turns to look.

SPARKLE
Ohmigod, it’s Mr. decaf frappaccino.
So glad you could join the party.
Ready for a little ‘death do us part’ action?

BERNIE
holds twin 357 Magnums.
They glisten in the light.

KEKO
In your dreams, little girlie.
There’s two of us now,
so you better put away those toys
before Mommy catches you.

ANGLE ON --
Carrie’s gun at the camera.
Bernie’s pair on Sparkle.
Sparkle’s Uzis on Madrid and Bernie.

Sparkle FLIPS a gun from
Bernie to the CAMERAMAN.

SPARKLE
(to Carrie)
Squeeze play -- your choice, hon.
Billy Betacam, or baby Botox --