Say Hello To My Little Fren

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 29 of DAZED, BEAUTIFUL & BRUISED, teenage serial killer Sparkle Plenty takes the Bargain Clown Mart hostage, killing almost every 'smart shopper,' and then starts negotiating with a survivor, heiress Madrid Marriot. Meanwhile, homicide detective Bernie Keko gets carjacked on the way to the scene, and has to find new wheels ...


INT. BARGAIN CLOWN MART - CHECK OUT REGISTER - NIGHT
Sparkle stands on the counter top.
With enough firepower to
clog Joel Silver’s arteries.

SPARKLE
Mr. and Mrs. America,
and all ships at c-word --
citizens, lend me your fucking ears!
You’re gonna give me what I want,
or I’m gonna starting killing you!
One at a time. Slowly. Painfully.
(beat)
We’re gonna have a lotta fun.

SCARED CASHIER
Please don’t kill me.
Please. Take anything.
What do you want? Money?
Take the money,
we don’t fucking care,
it’s not our money,
take the fuckin’ money!

SPARKLE
I don’t want your fucking money!

STORE MANAGER
Then what do you want?
Just tell us!

SPARKLE
I want you to --
(Pacino as SCARFACE)
Say hello to my ‘lil fren.

She points twin pink Uzis at the hostages.
They start CRYING, SCREAMING.

SPARKLE’S
eyes flutter. Scrunch close.
Major chemistry kicking in.

SPARKLE
I love the -- smell of napalm --

SCARED WOMAN
Grab her, quick!
She’s on something!
She --

Sparkle’s eyes FLASH open.
The madwoman LOSES IT.

SPARKLE
No! That’s a Bozo no-no!

RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!
RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

Bodies HIT the ground with a
WHUMP, THWAP, WUMP, WUMP, WUMP.

RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!
RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

Glass SPRAYS, BREAKS, SMASHES, TINKLES -- CRASHES.
Silence. She smiles a nasty pout.

THE CARNAGE
is complete, total devastation.
Bodies. Blood. Debris.

Except for a PRETTY YOUNG WOMAN (18),
propped up against a wall.

She leans forward, bleeding, confused.
In shock.

CLOSE ON --
A gold necklace on her throat.

Tiny gold-lettered spray of diamonds reads 'Madrid.'
The women stare at each other, searching for --

SPARKLE
Hey. Aren’t you --

MADRID
My father’s gonna have your head
on a pinstripe platter.
Do you realize who the FUCK --

SPARKLE
Of course, bitch, you’re Madrid Marriot,
I love you! You fuckin’ rule!
I love your show! You still coming out
with that fab line of super-cool tote bags?

MADRID
They’re not fucking TOTES.
They’re rebuilt vintage English saddle bags.
(beat)
Please don’t kill me.
I’m throwing a benefit tonight.

Sparkle lowers her guns.

SPARKLE
Are you kidding?
You’re my hostage, cutie.
You’re gonna be my Patty Hearst.
We’re gonna make herstory.
(beat)
What’s the charity?

MADRID
(startled)
Uh -- COMP.

SPARKLE
What, free tickets? Hotel rooms?
Vegas slicksters on a binge?

MADRID
It’s for -- Children of Murdered Parents.

PUSH IN ON Sparkle. Delighted.

SPARKLE
Then whadya say we make a
charitable contribution, hot stuff.

EXT./INT. SUNSET BOULEVARD - BERNIE’S SUV - DUSK
The buzzsaw pussy-splatter of Fur’s cover of
Blondie’s X OFFENDER over --

Bernie and Valentine speed down the Strip like a bullet.
They SCREECH to a stop at a light.

VALENTINE
(sees something out the window)
Shit, that kid’s gonna throw a rock at --

CRASH. Valentine’s window SPRAYS
into a million pieces.

A vicious-looking gang-banger
jams an AK-47 at Valentine.

GANG-BANGER
Yo, bitch!

Valentine deftly pulls a
Smith & Wesson from his boot.

VALENTINE
Nice gat, what you pay for that?

GANG-BANGER
Shut da fuck up, this is a
fuckin’ car-jackin,’ muthafucka!

Valentine GRABS the gun barrel in a blur of fury,
BANGS it against the window jam --

SHOVES his piece in the kid’s throat.

VALENTINE
Problem with that rifle shit
is the length of the weapon,
makes it hard to --
(BANGS the kid’s head)
Maneuver.

His body CLUMPS to the ground, WHUMP.

KEKO
That little FUCK smashed my WINDOW.

VALENTINE
Gee. You could say something like,
‘good job, Valentine. Nice reflexes.‘

BERNIE
Shut up! Let me think!
(beat)
You stay here with the perp,
wait for another unit,
I’m gonna find another vehicle.

VALENTINE
You get to go, and I have to
stay here and fucking wait?
No way, I’m always the one who --

BERNIE
Valentine, you stupid fuck!
I HAVE to go there,
she ASKED me to, remember?

VALENTINE
(surly)
Better hurry up then,
could be some Dog Day Afternoon shit goin’ on.

Bernie opens the door, jumps out.

BERNIE
You actually make me miss the muff-diver.

Valentine puts two fingers in his mouth,
wiggles his tongue.

BERNIE
stands at the curb.
Looks at the sprawl of cars
creeping slowly in a crunch
of prime-time traffic. Sees something.

BERNIE
Always wanted to drive one of those --

A MONSTER TRUCK
towers over the other vehicles.
White trash pride.

Bernie runs up to the passenger door.
YANKS it open.

BERNIE
(flashes his badge)
Outta the car! Police business!

He GRABS the DRIVER,
a frat-boy looking hulk, THROWS him out.

FRAT BOY
Hey! You can’t do that!

Bernie SLAMS the door.
Looks down at the kid.

BERNIE
I just did, jar-head!
Go drink some beer
and beat up your girlfriend.

He JAMS the truck into gear.
ROARS onto the sidewalk --