The Asshole Lawyer

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 22 of BLUE HOTEL, Russian gangsters Vlad and Anya try to rob the dungeon, with disastrous results. Meanwhile, drug dealer Begger Leck and attorney Lief Scott, having escaped the dead girl's OD at Lief's party, decide to head over to hipster hooker Alona Tal's shitty hotel room on the Venice Beach boardwalk to get 'a different kind of blow' ...


INT. CLUB FETISH - NIGHT
Vlad and Anya huddle in front of a door
in the bowels of the club.
Pull out their guns.

VLAD
Time to pop cherry.

ANYA
Ready, willing and disabled.

They kiss. Smile.
Vlad RAISES his gun.
KICKS the door.
They storm into --

INT. CLUB FETISH - OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
A swanky room Larry Flynt would love.
Art-directed sleaze.

A LARGE, UGLY SLAVE (30’s) stands next to a gorgeous,
black-haired LEATHER-CLAD DOM (40’S) sitting at her desk.

On the desk is a large stack of MONEY,
which she is counting.

A MOUND OF COKE is also in view.
An open safe sits nearby.

Vlad and Anya BURST into the room, weapons drawn.
They CHARGE up to the desk.

VLAD
Do not MOVE. This is ROBBERY.

ANYA
Put hands up or we SHOOT.

DOMINATRIX CLUB OWNER
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
You’ll never get out of here alive.
(to the slave)
Sick ‘em, Bruno.

Bruno raises an UZI SUB-MACHINE GUN.
Looks behind Vlad and Anya.
Grins a sickly smile.

BRUNO
Fredo. Glad you could join us.

Anya turns and looks.
Bruno SPRAYS her with bullets.

She FLIES in the air like a rag doll.
Hits the wall, THWUMP.

Enraged, Vlad FIRES at Bruno, BANG.
He goes down, THUD.

VLAD
You killed MY LITTLE FLOWER.

Dominatrix raises a gleaming 357 Magnum.

DOMINATRIX CLUB OWNER
And you killed my fucking SLAVE.

She SHOOTS Vlad, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG.
He hits the floor, THWUNK.

She looks at the bodies.
Shakes her head.

DOMINATRIX CLUB OWNER (CONT’D)
Asshole. Do you know how HARD IT IS
to find a good submissive?

EXT. VENICE PIER - NIGHT
Moonlight shines over the black water of the ocean.
The dull roar of waves crashing against the shore.

Beggar’s red convertible is parked
in a far corner of the parking lot.
Now almost empty.

INT. BEGGAR’S CONVERTIBLE - CONTINUOUS
Beggar turns up the heat. Lights a smoke.
Looks at Lief.

BEGGAR
What a fucking night.

LIEF
Tell me about it.
(beat)
So where are we going to go?

BEGGAR
We?

LIEF
I thought maybe I could -- stay at --
(off his stare)
Okay, okay. I get it.
You’ll sell me drugs,
but you won’t help me out.

BEGGAR
I’m not going home, Lief -- I --
(beat)
Have my own crisis to deal with.

LIEF
Your own crisis.
Like it could possibly be as urgent
as a dead body in your house.

BEGGAR
Actually, it is.
(sighs)
You remember my girlfriend?
She was with a client tonight,
this asshole who likes rough stuff.
Well, her NEIGHBOR, this drunken
wannabe screenwriter thought it was real,
and ran in and stabbed the bastard.
(another drag)
Fucking closet case.

LIEF
Holy shit. What happened?
Did the cops come?

BEGGAR
No. There’s always loud shit
going on in that joint.
We’ve got the body -- hidden,
and we need five-K to pay
some people I know to get rid of it.
(beat)
That’s why I really need
to sell you the blow.
Can we still do it?

LIEF
Shit. I dunno. Yeah. No. Fuck.
I gotta think --
(beat)
If I go back there,
I’m in deep shit -- but if I run --

Beggar’s cell phone RINGS. He answers it.

BEGGAR
Hey.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. ALONA’S SHITTY HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Holly sits on the window sill with a cup of vodka,
looking out at the ocean.

Alona sits on the bed.
Talks on her cell.

ALONA
Where are you?
What’s going on?
Did you do the deal?

BEGGAR
No. I was just about to,
but some fucking bimbo OD’d
and fucking DIED.

ALONA
Holy SHIT. So THEN what happened?

BEGGAR
What do you fucking THINK happened?
We got the fuck out of there.

ALONA
The guy, too?

BEGGAR
Yeah, Lief.
You met him at that party at his joint.
The condo on the beach?

ALONA
Oh, yeah. The asshole lawyer.

BEGGAR
(looks at him)
He’s with me right now.
Still deciding what he’s gonna do.
He’s not exactly in the mood to buy any snow,
if you get my drift.
What’s up on your end?

ALONA
SHIT is up my end.
I tricked with Gill,
and then sent him to go get more cash,
but the jerk got mugged.
(bitter laugh)
And right now he’s breaking into HIS OWN house.

BEGGAR
Fuck.

ALONA
Wait. It gets better.
(sips her drink)
Oscar’s ASSISTANT has been poking around
looking for him, hooked up with Holly,
and figured out the deal,
so SHE pulled her gun on him
and took him back to her room.

BEGGAR
What the fucking FUCK?

ALONA
Chill, it’s okay.
She’s taken him to a cash machine.
We need the money, right?
(sips her drink)
We just have to figure out
what to do with him when they get back.

BEGGAR
Fuck.

ALONA
I know.
(thinks)
Hey, wait a minute.
The lawyer is filthy rich, right?

BEGGAR
Yeah --

ALONA
Bring ‘em back to the hotel.
I’LL get money out of him.

BEGGAR
(looks at Lief)
Yeah. That’s -- not a bad idea.

ALONA
Then get your ass over here.
I’m tired of hanging out with Oscar.

BEGGAR
Okay, see ya. Bye --

He clicks the phone shut.
Looks at Lief. A sickly grin.

LIEF
Who was that?

BEGGAR
Alona. I’m supposed to bring you
over to her place.

LIEF
What for?

BEGGAR
Play your cards right,
and it might be 'a different kind of blow.'