More Fun Than Milking Cow

It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your darkest fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 33 of FULL BODY, as we start the race to the exciting conclusion of our story, we catch up with recently reunited Croatian crime lords in love, Yuri and Mavra, who now must deal with newbie Summer Donovan's attempt to resign from her duties at The International ...


INT. THE INTERNATIONAL - YURI’S OFFICE - NIGHT
The jazzy, sultry, nasty purr of Layo & Bushwacka’s remix
of Ella Fitzgerald’s ANGEL EYES over --

Yuri and Mavra. On the floor.
A tangled mess of spent passion.

Yuri gets up.
Offers his hand.

MAVRA
Stay with me.
Is like we are losing virginities.

YURI
Need smoke --
(pulls her up)
C’mere -- lubavnik.

She rises. In time to the music.
Gestures. Dips.

MAVRA
I like -- American remix.

YURI
Satellite radio.
Only the best in land of opportunity.

MAVRA
(embraces him)
Opportunity knocks -- me up.

YURI
Opportunity had fucking multiple orgasm.

The glittering syncopated intrigue of
Thievery Corporation’s KILLER’S WALTZ starts, percolates over --

Yuri grabs his smokes from the desk.
Pulls out a pair.
Pops them in his mouth.

Lights up. Hands her one. She SNATCHES it.

YURI
Do you know how to whistle?

MAVRA
(exhales luxuriously)
Darling. Put lips together and blow job.

YURI
We need to -- wait a bit.

MAVRA
Silly boy.
Who said anything about you?

They laugh. Nuzzle. Smoke.
Years of pain washing away.

YURI
Remember that summer in Zagreb,
after gimnazija dance?

MAVRA
When I gave you hand job in vijecnica?

YURI
You said it more fun than milking cow.

Oogie pops his head out of Yuri’s jacket
lying on a chair.

YURI
Oogie. There you are --

MAVRA
You still bring home stray animals?

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Hello? Is anybody here?

SUMMER appears in the doorway.
With Lindsey.

LINDSEY
Oh. Sorry to -- interrupt --

SUMMER
Mr. Vlaovic. Sorry to --

YURI
MR. VLAOVIC?
Yuri, please --
you must call me YURI.

The girls fidget.
Awkward. Staring at Mavra.
And the couple’s state of near undress.

YURI
Ach. I forget manners.
Summer, Lindsey --
I’d like you to meet my wife, Mavra.

MAVRA
(bows)
Enchanted.

The girls exchange glances.

LINDSEY
But I thought -- your wife --

SUMMER
She -- passed away?

YURI
Was white lie to hide pain and loss.
And now is miracle, we are reunited.

MAVRA
(takes Yuri’s hand, kisses it)
Like vilderbeast in Dalmatian forest.

Pause.

SUMMER
So, uh -- Yuri --

LINDSEY
Don’t let her do it, Yuri.
You can’t let her quit.

YURI
(to Summer)
You want to quit?
After only first day?

SUMMER
I’m sorry, but I’m just not --
I can’t --

ETYA walks in. Hands on hips.

ETYA
You cannot quit!
You are already most popular!
All your clients have booked
for you again.
And you made most money.
(beat)
Sorry. Was eavesdropping.

SUMMER
They did? I did? But --

YURI
Is ridiculous.
You not give us chance.
This is respectable family business.
Sure, there is occasional kinkiness,
but we perform valuable service --
helping movers and shakers release tension.
We are doing duty for seat of nation’s capitol --
in seat of pants.

Etya hands envelopes to Summer and Lindsey.

ETYA
Go ahead. Count it.
You made five thousand fifty dollars,
Ms. Donovan.

SUMMER
(looks)
Five thousand -- ?

LINDSEY
(looks)
That’s more than twice what I --

YURI
I understand you might find some
of what you do here to be a little -- unseemly.
But this is American way. Greed is good.
Sometimes you have to get down and dirty
in name of capitalism.
Look at Iraq war, Haliburton, hello?
They fucking cleaned up.
And look at Madison Avenue. Sex sells.
How else you explain Doublemint Twins?
What we do isn’t illegal or immoral,
is just -- business. Profitable business.

MAVRA
Family business.

LINDSEY
Which could allow you to follow your dream --

Pause.

SUMMER
Okay, you win. Alright? Happy?
(beat)
But I’m taking tomorrow off.