A Slight Hitch

Happy hump day, crime humpsters! It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, to a place of unspeakable depravity, of hardboiled violence, a place where your darkest fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In chapter 17 of THE HEISTERS, we flash back to the stadium heist, where Jefty tries to drive the escape vehicle into the stadium to pick up Kelsey and the gang ... and the loot ... but the event is over-sold, and the place is packed with screaming, drunken, partying kids ...


INT. STADIUM FINANCE OFFICE - DUSK
The office workers sit at the table counting the last of the money
and putting it in the two suitcases.

Kelsey and Ronan stand nearby
in their guard uniforms, watching.

KELSEY (V.O.)
The job was going perfectly.
We had all the money from the gate,
the joint was packed,
the sun was setting
and the concert was kicking into high gear.
(beat)
I’d normally be interested
in checking out the bands,
but since I was in the middle of robbing the joint,
that wasn’t an option.

EXT. NEARBY STREET - DUSK
The panel truck drives up to the curb. Parks.
Jefty gets out. Walks around to the rear
and opens the back doors.

KELSEY (V.O.)
Right now Jefty would be parking the truck
in position a few blocks from the stadium,
and then driving the Mercedes
into position near the main gate.

He climbs inside.
Pulls out the ramp-boards and puts them in place.
Then gets back in.

Moments later the Mercedes backs out
and down the ramp.

EXT. STADIUM - EAST GATE - DUSK
The ambulance drives up to the gate.
A guard in the security booth sees it.
Opens the gate and waves it through.

INT. AMBULANCE - MOVING - DUSK
Kasper sits behind the wheel in an EMS uniform.
Waves back as he drives into the stadium.

KELSEY (V.O.)
And also right about now Kasper
would be driving the ambulance into the stadium
with the Triumph Spider hidden inside.
Then, all he had to do was drive up to the building
where we were and then we could then
transfer the suitcases into it the Spider.
(beat)
Problem was, there was a slight hitch
no one had thought of --

INT. STADIUM - DUSK
A giant stage set up at one end.
A ROCK BAND plays at a
DEAFENING volume over the PA system.

The stands are filled to capacity.
But so is the field. 'Stadium seating.'

KELSEY (V.O.)
We thought -- wrongly --
that the ambulance could simply drive over
to where we were by going around the track
that circled the football field.
(beat)
Problem was, they’d over-sold the event,
and the field was filled with
drunken, stoned kids partying their asses off.

THE AMBULANCE
Comes onto the field. Stops at the wall of people.

KASPER
Looks at the throng. Starts to freak out.

KASPER
Shit, shit, shit --

He pulls out his cell phone.
Punches a number. Listens.

KASPER
Pick up, pick up --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. STADIUM FINANCE OFFICE - DUSK
Kelsey’s phone RINGS in her pocket. She looks at Ronan.

KELSEY
SHIT.

RONAN
Fuck.

She whips it out. Answers it.

KELSEY
What’s wrong?

KASPER
There’s no fucking room, man.
There’s too many fucking kids on the field.
What am I gonna do?

KELSEY
Shit.

RONAN
What’s up?

KELSEY
(to Ronan)
The stadium’s filled with kids.
There’s no room for the ambulance to get to us.

RONAN
Greedy bastards oversold it.

KELSEY
Wait. I’ve got an idea --
(into the phone)
Kasper. Tell the kids someone’s OD’d,
and you need to get through.

KASPER
That won’t work.
Half of them are on their way to OD’ing themselves --

KELSEY
It’ll work if you tell them it’s BONO.

KASPER
Nah. He’s not that big anymore.
(beat)
But they’ move if I tell ‘em
Jay-Z had a fuckin’ HEART ATTACK.

KELSEY
Perfect. DO IT.
Call me back if you have any problems.

KASPER
You got it, baby. I mean -- chief.

He hangs up. Grabs the radio mike.
CLICKS it on. Raises it to his lips --

EXT. STADIUM GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS
LOUD ROCK MUSIC. Throngs of TEENAGE KIDS
yell and scream and sing along.
Jumping up and down.
Dancing. Drinking. Partying.

The ambulance starts moving very slowly.
Kasper’s voice comes BOOMING over the loudspeakers.

KASPER (O.C.)
(electronic)
ATTENTION, ATTENTION.
Jay-Z has had a HEART ATTACK.
Please move out of the way
and let the VEHICLE THROUGH.

The kids hear him. Turn and look in horror.
Suddenly the crowd parts like the Red Sea.
Kasper starts driving through.

KELSEY (V.O.)
I must say it was a
brilliant observation on Kasper’s part.
And I must confess it was his
love of hip-hop that saved the day.
(beat)
One of the most important things
about working a heist
is the ability to improvise
at a moment’s notice.
A job never went perfectly.
There was always one little hitch
you had to navigate.
(beat)
Of course, this was but
a small harbinger of things to come --