Book 'Em, Danno

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In Chapter 22 of THE HEISTERS, elderly conman/heister Chick Aber tries the 'fake survey' gag on one of the gang's robbery suspects, but runs afoul of the law ... and his pants.


EXT. SANTA MONICA - BAY STREET - BUNGALOW - NIGHT
An old Craftsman bungalow divided into three tiny apartments.
Right down the street from where Jackie Tempel got skewered.

Chick comes walking down the sidewalk holding his clipboard.
Reads the numbers on the houses.
Stops at the Craftsman.

CHICK
I love these old homes.
So much character.

He opens the gate.
Walks up the path to the front door.

ACROSS THE STREET
Sitting in an unmarked car
are Homicide Detective Isaacs
and his partner Nunn staking out the joint.

They both sip designer coffees.
Isaacs sees Chick across the street.

ISAACS
Looks like we got ourselves another live one.

NUNN
Guy looks kinda old --

ISAACS
Keep in mind these are heisters.
Some of the pros keep working.
There’s no retirement age.

NUNN
Should we pop ‘em now,
or wait till he comes out?

ISAACS
It’s fucking late.
Let’s go reel ‘em in.

NUNN
Book ‘em, Danno.

They start to get out of the car.

AT THE DOOR
A young HOT BLONDE (20)
stands in the doorway.

Looks at Chick intently.
She’s in her bathrobe, wearing glasses.

HOT BLONDE
Can I help you?

CHICK
I’m sorry to bother you so late.
I’m with the Global Media Group,
taking a survey.
It’ll only take a couple of minutes.

HOT BLONDE
A survey? What about?

CHICK
(smiles)
Your entertainment viewing habits.
TV, the internet, video games --

HOT BLONDE
(looks over his shoulder)
Well, I’m kinda busy --
studying for finals.
You said it will only take a couple minutes?

ISAACS (O.C.)
Thanks, Miss.
We’ll take it from here.

Chick turns around, sees --

ISAACS AND NUNN
Standing behind them.
Holding up their badges.

ISAACS
Detective Don Isaacs, homicide.

NUNN
Would you please come with us?
We’d like to ask you some questions.

Chick looks at them, startled.
Like anyone would.

ISAACS
Strictly routine, of course.

CHICK
Why certainly, officers.
Would you mind telling me
what this is all about?

The door CLICKS closed behind him.

ISAACS
We’ll talk about it at the station
if you don’t mind.

CHICK
No, of course not.
I support law enforcement.

NUNN
(to Isaacs)
Hey. Check it out.
The old-timer just pissed his pants.

Chick looks down.
Sees the wet stain on his crotch.

ISAACS
Think he’s got something to hide?

NUNN
Nah. Probably just forgot to wear his Depends.

They both BURST into nasty LAUGHTER.