Safe, Suburban Hell

Happy Friday, gunslingers. Do you know where your children are? Your spouse? Your parents? Your best friend? Well, they're all right here, at the coolest hardboiled crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from BLOOD GETS IN YOUR EYES, where things are about to get a bit ... perverted.

Drug dealer Beggar Leck has called his friend 'Vlad The Impaler' to come get rid of the dead body in hooker Alona Tal's seedy hotel room ... but before Vlad can come and help dispose of the corpse, he and his goth squeeze Anya prepare to rob a dungeon ...


INT. CLUB FETISH - NIGHT
Nasty, filthy club music over --

A catacomb of perverted horrors run amok.
A labyrinthine maze of cubicles,
each contained unspeakable acts of depravity.

IN ONE STALL
A MAN (50’s) lies in a bathtub, naked.
A group of CLUB PATRONS
stand in a circle and pee on him.

IN ANOTHER STALL
A WOMAN (20’s) lies on a table.
Bound and gagged.

A GIANT DOM raise a cat ‘o nine tails,
CRACKS IT against her pale flesh.

IN THE DJ BOOTH
The DJ (30’s),
hair scooped into red devil horns,
nods to the music,
SNORTS a fat line of meth.

IN ANOTHER STALL
A MAN IN A DIAPER,
on his hands and knees,
licks the boots of a
GORGEOUS DOMINATRIX (40’s).
She JERKS his leash. Laughing.

VLAD AND ANYA
Stroll through the Dionysian splendor like gods.
Regal. Inspecting the display of twisted desires.

ANYA
It is, how they say in New York,
‘bridge and tunnel.’

VLAD
Well, we ARE behind Orange Curtain.

They chuckle. Stop.
Watch the GIANT DOM at work.

ANYA
(shaking her head)
No finesse. No -- style.
Is like Gitmo.
No imagination.

VLAD
That may be --
but Little Miss Muffet will get welt on her tuffet,
and she will go home to safe suburban hell
with naughty memory --

They continue walking.

ANYA
I see your point.
Is like MacDonald’s of dungeons.

Vlad stops.
Puts one hand on Anya’s breast.
The other on her throat.

Pushes her up against the wall.
Smiles, evil.

Anya swoons with pleasure.
Licks her lips. Eyes flashing.

VLAD
Enough of field trip.
You ready to rock n’ rolla,
my dark goddess?

ANYA
Take me to cash machine, bab-ya.

She pulls out her gun.
Rubs it on his crotch.

He pulls out his.
Sticks it in her mouth.

VLAD
Is what I love about you.
(beat)
What I call -- stimulus package.

Top Of The World, Ma

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. You say you're bored? Life getting you down? Looking for some cheap, pervy thrills? Then you've come to the right place ... where the going gets down and dirty ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from BLOOD GETS IN YOUR EYES. Better hold on to your hats, kids ... cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

When we last left prep school teacher Gill Sherry, he was going to the bank to get some more cash for hooker Alona Tal to help pay for the removal of the dead body in her hotel room. Problem is, the bank's in a dangerous neighborhood in Venice Beach, and he runs into a little 'trouble' ...


EXT. WINDWARD AVENUE - NIGHT
A circular street two blocks from the boardwalk.
A cream-colored Saab pulls in front of the bank
across the street from the Venice post office.

INT. SAAB - CONTINUOUS
Gill is behind the wheel.
He shuts off the engine. Gets out.

AT THE CASH MACHINE
Gill slips his card in.
Punches his pin code.

The machine CHING-CHING-CHINGS,
and his cash slides out.

He grabs it.
Then feels something in his back.

GRAVELLY MALE VOICE (O.C.)
Hand over the cash, asshole --
or I’ll fucking shoot.

GILL
Okay, okay -- please don’t hurt me.

He holds up the money.
A FIGURE IN BLACK (20’s),
hoodie pulled down,
SNATCHES it from his hand.

FIGURE IN BLACK
Now gimmee your keys.
Nice ride you got there --

GILL
Please, not my car.
I need that to --

Figure In Black CRACKS him in the head with his gun.

Gill goes down, THUMP.
Figure KICKS him in the stomach.

GILL (CONT’D)
OW!

FIGURE IN BLACK
Your KEYS, NOW --

Gill winces in pain.
Digs his keys out of his pocket.
Holds them up.

Figure SNATCHES THEM.
RUNS to the car.

FEMALE VOICE (O.C.)
Ohmigod, that guy just got MUGGED!

MALE VOICE (O.C.)
And they’re stealing his CAR!

Figure JUMPS IN. Starts the engine.
ROARS away in a SCREECH of rubber
like a madman from hell.

A YOUNG COUPLE (17) RACE OVER to Gill.
Trendy skateboard kids with multi-colored hair,
piercings in baggies and sneakers.

SKATEBOARD CHICK
Hey, mister -- are you okay?

HIPSTER GUY
(pulls out his cell phone)
Don’t worry, I’m calling the cops.

Skateboard Chick helps Gill stand up.
He holds his stomach.
Hipster punches 911. Listens.

GILL
My car -- he got my CAR --

HIPSTER GUY
(on the phone)
Yeah, hi -- so listen,
a dude was mugged,
and they, like, stole his car --
(listens)
On the Windward circle.
In front of the bank --
(listens, looks at Gill)
He looks okay to me --
(to Gill)
You okay?

PUSH IN ON Gill’s face.
More than upset.

GILL
Oh, I’m just peachy.
Top of the world, ma.

Really Kinky

Happy Hump Day, crime humpsters. You say you're looking for some cheap thrills? Some sleazy, utterly depraved hardboiled-pulp-noir action? Then you've come to the right place, guys and dolls, when you enter ... That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from BLOOD GETS IN YOUR EYES ...

When we last left boozy screenwriter Holly Land, she finagled a few free drinks from Hollywood agent assistant Feo at the hotel bar, but she's soon horrified to find out his boss is the guy she killed earlier that evening ...


INT. THE STARLIGHT LOUNGE - NIGHT
The joint is deserted, except for Holly and Feo, with fresh cocktails.
The BARTENDER cleans glasses,
watches some old movie on the TV above the bar.

HOLLY
That’s gotta be exciting,
working for an agent.

FEO
It was at first,
but living on four-hundred bucks a week gets old fast.

HOLLY
I’m writing a screenplay --

FEO
Everyone and their sister is --
(catches himself)
That’s -- great.
What’s it about?

Feo’s BlackBerry RINGS.

FEO
Hold that thought.
(answers)
This is Feo --
(eyes wide)
Uh, not yet.
He’s -- in a meeting.
(listens)
I know it’s late --
(beat)
I’ve got the script with me.
I’m gonna give it to him as soon as he’s done.
(beat)
I’ll call you.
(CLICKS the phone shut)
Shit.

HOLLY
What’s wrong?

FEO
My boss is missing --
(low)
He was meeting a hooker at this hotel,
but no one’s seen him.
It’s like he -- disappeared.

Holly flinches.
Tries to act casual.

HOLLY
W-what’s he -- look like?
Maybe I’ve -- seen him.

FEO
He’s tall. Bald, with a big gut.
Goatee. Decent-looking.
(low)
And really kinky.
Into, you know -- rough stuff.

HOLLY
(averts her eyes)
I haven’t seen him. Sorry --

FEO
Yeah, well --
(sips his drink)
I’ve got this script Oscar’s supposed to read tonight.
Scarlet Stone wants to star in it.
(beat)
I am SO fucked.

HOLLY
Oscar?

FEO
That’s his name -- Oscar.
Oscar Goldman.

She gulps her drink.
Freaking out.

HOLLY
Nice -- name.

FEO
What a weird night.
Oscar disappears,
then the robbery at the liquor store --
(beat)
And then I meet you.

He takes a sip of his drink.
Stares at her.
A lightbulb POPS.

FEO
Wait a minute.
I thought you looked familiar --

UNDER THE BAR
Holly pulls the gun out of her purse.

HOLLY
Smiles strangely.

HOLLY
Familiar? How?

FEO
The video of the liquor store on AMZ --

HOLLY
JAMS the gun in his crotch. HARD.

FEO
Winces in pain.

FEO
OW. What the --

HOLLY
(sharp whisper)
It’s a gun.
And I’ll use it if you don’t shut the fuck up.
Pay the bartender,
and then we’re going up to my room.

FEO
Please don’t shoot.
Can’t we -- talk about this?

PUSH IN ON Holly’s face.
Blinking back frightened tears.

HOLLY
(low, throaty)
Do what I say,
or I’ll blow your fucking nuts off.
I’ve already killed two people tonight,
I’m really drunk,
and I’m not in the fucking MOOD.

Beggars Can't Be Choosers

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday, will they hang a noose on you? Welcome back, crime fiends, to the coolest joint in cyberspace, where the chicks are hot, the cocktails are strong, and the hardboiled pulp is brutal ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from BLOOD GETS IN YOUR EYES ...

When we last left hooker Alona Tal, she was tricking with prep school teacher Gill Sherry in her sleazy motel room, as she needs to raise five grand to pay for 'dead body removal' of the stiff under her bed. Problem is, Gill discovers the body, and things take a turn for the worse ...


INT. ALONA’S SHITTY HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Alona and Gill lie in her bed, making love, Alona on top.
They both reach an earth-shattering orgasm.
Clench each other for dear life. Stop. Silence.

Alona reaches for her smokes. Lights one up.
Blows a lazy smoke ring. Gill closes his eyes. Sighs.

GILL
You send me, my angel --
(opens them)
I think I hurt my back.
What you got under the bed?
A suitcase?

Alona picks up her cup of vodka.
Takes a big hit.

ALONA
That’s Oscar.

GILL
Oscar? I don’t -- understand.

ALONA
Another -- client.
(off his stare)
Earlier tonight, things got a little rough --
Holly thought I was in danger --
and she came in and --
(beat)
Stabbed him.

GILL
What the FUCK? There’s a --
(looks down)
Dead body under the bed?

ALONA
Surprise.

GILL
We have to call the police.

ALONA
No. No cops.

GILL
But what are you going to --

ALONA
GILL. Be quiet, listen to me.
Some people are on their way here to --
take care of it.
(beat)
Problem is, they’re expensive.
I need your help.

Pause.

GILL
H-how much?

ALONA
Five grand.
We’ve got almost a third.
Beggar and Holly are out getting more --
don’t ask --
and I thought maybe --
(beat)
You could go to a cash machine?

GILL
Jesus Christ, Alona -- a DEAD BODY?

ALONA
You say you love me?
Now’s the time to prove it.
I need your help, Gill --

GILL
(head spinning)
Okay, okay -- yeah, sure -- I, I, --
(thinks)
But I can only take out five-hundred at a time --

ALONA
Yeah, but that plus the three-hundred
you gave me makes a nice dent.

GILL
Can I stay here with you?
Until -- they get here?

ALONA
I’m not sure when Beggar’ll be back.
You know how he is.

Gill gets up.
Starts putting his jeans on.
Scared. Angry.

GILL
Yeah, I get it.
Beggars CAN be choosers --

Holy Whips And Chains, Batman!

Happy Monday, crime slicksters. Are you ready for another heaping slab of hardboiled pulp, served with a side order of noir? Then get your tight little asses over to the coolest joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's episode of BLOOD GETS IN YOUR EYES, where the plot not only thickens, it congeals.

First up, we meed Vlad the impaler and his goth beauty Anya, who are about to rob a dungeon on their way to go help the gang get rid of the dead body. Meanwhile, drug dealer Beggar Leck cruises over to a ritzy party at a rooftop condo at the beach where he hopes to sell his wares in order to pay Vlad for his ungodly services ...


EXT. LONG BEACH DOCKS - WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
A shitty, old crumbling building at the far end of the docks.
A cluster of expensive CARS and LIMOS are parked in front.
A BLACK HUMMER pulls into a space. Stops.

INT. HUMMER - CONTINUOUS
We see Vlad behind the wheel, rakish in black leather and studs.
In the passenger seat is Anya, resplendent in vinyl,
rubber and chrome against milky white flesh.

VLAD
Welcome to hell, my little turtle-dove.

ANYA
Is new dungeon. My heart is all a-flutter.

He pulls out a pair of black masks. Hands her one.
They put them on. Look at each other. Smile.

ANYA (CONT’D)
Holy whips and chains, Batman.
(laughs)
I’m wet already.

Vlad pulls out a bottle of pills.
Flips it open with a thumbnail.
Chugs a fistful.
CRUNCHES them in his mouth.

Reaches under the seat.
Pulls out a sawed-off shotgun.

Anya opens the glove box.
Takes out a gleaming, chrome 44 Magnum.

They both CLICK the safeties.

VLAD
Ready to fuck perverts?

ANYA
Can we perhaps -- sample merchandise first?

VLAD
But of course. Anything for my dark angel.

He takes her gloved hand. Kisses it.

VLAD (CONT’D)
You are a vision of unholy beauty.
A luscious flower in urban decay.

ANYA
Oh, Vlad. Moonlight becomes you.

VLAD
I would die without you.
(raise his gun)
Let’s go rob kinky motherfuckers blind.

Anya puts her hand on his gun barrel. Strokes it.

ANYA
How you say -- Vlad the Impaler?

EXT. BEACHFRONT CONDO - NIGHT
The wind off the ocean WHIPS the palm trees in front of --
A gleaming, silver three-story single residence right on the sand.
Lights BLAZING. We can see through the windows that a party is raging.
Loud MUSIC blares.

EXT. BEACHFRONT CONDO - ROOF DECK - CONTINUOUS
Eerily lit by tiki torches. Nasty, throbbing techno.
A giant four-poster bed in the middle of the patio, facing the ocean.
A gaggle of HARD-CORE PARTIERS, a rough-looking crowd,
circle around it smoking, drinking. And watching --

A COUPLE
On the bed. Fucking their brain out.

The GUY (30’S) is Lief, flabby ‘attorney to the stars,’
giving it really hard to an EMACIATED STARLET (17),
who is SHRIEKING with abandon.

A giant MOUND OF COKE
Sits on a glass table nearby.

A SLUTTY CHICK
Scoops up a chunk on a long, purple fingernail.
INHALES it.

SLUTTY CHICK
(rubs her nose)
Whoah, got a fucking ROCK.

BEGGAR
Appears in the doorway to the roof with a beer.
He scans the crowd. Shakes his head in disbelief.

BEGGAR
I’ve died and gone to Kid Rock heaven.

He walks over to a pale, meth-skinny GLAM ROCKER
checking his eye-makeup. Taps him on the shoulder.

BEGGAR (CONT’D)
Hey, Fall Out Boy -- you seen Lief?

Meth-Skinny turns and looks.
Grins a sickly smile. Points.

METH-SKINNY
Right there, on the Sit N’ Sleep.
(chuckles)
I mean, the fuck and suck.

Beggar looks at --

THE COUPLE
Rapidly approaching lift-off.

AN EMACIATED BIMBO
(20s), all legs, hair and Dolce and Gabana,
sidles up to Beggar.
Points her cigar at him.
Nods at the bed, eyes gleaming, swirling on Ecstacy.

EMACIATED BIMBO
Hallo, Mickey Roarke.
Vant to go next?

BEGGAR
(sips his beer)
No thanks, baby.
(looks her up and down)
Already took out the Eurotrash tonight.

We've Got To Stop Meeting Like This

Happy Friday, hardboiled crime slicksters. Welcome to the land that time forgot. The land of the lost. A tiny, dark sliver of cyberspace so depraved, so demented, that only fools dare to tread ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from BLOOD GETS IN YOUR EYES, where the plot thickens ...

Our friends at the Starlight Hotel in Venice Beach have to raise five grand in order to dispose of the dead body, so ... hooker Alona Tal meets with her client, prep school teacher Gill Sherry, drug deal Beggar Leck arranges to sell some coke, and boozy screenwriter has drinks with movie biz assistant Feo, with a view to robbing him ...


INT. HOLLY’S SHITTY HOTEL ROOM -NIGHT
Holly walks in the room carrying a bottle of vodka, goes to her desk.
Sits. Pours two fingers. Downs it.
Punches PLAY on her boombox.

The anguished, brittle, tortured sound of Portishead
oozes out the speakers like a wound.

She opens her laptop. Boots it up. Looks at the screen.

ON THE MONITOR
We see the screenplay she’s working on. It reads:

INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Molly leans against the wall.
Listening to the sound of love-making in the next room.
She reaches down. Touches herself.

HOLLY
SLAPS the computer closed.

HOLLY
Fucking SHIT.

She pours another one. Downs it.
Stands. A bit wobbly.

HOLLY (CONT’D)
Need to get -- more money.

Holly pours one more for courage. Slugs it down.
Grabs her purse. Pulls the gun from the robbery out. Checks it.

HOLLY (CONT’D)
Time to cut to the chase.

INT. BEGGAR’S BMW CONVERTIBLE - NIGHT
Beggars sits in his car in the rear parking lot of the hotel.
Dials a number on his cell. Listens.

BEGGAR
Lief, hey -- it’s Beggar.
(beat)
I just got a kilo of primo booger sugar, and I thought of you --
(beat)
You having a party? Well, that’s even better --
(beat)
You know I’m cool. I won’t tell anyone --
(beat)
WHO?
(beat)
You’re shitting me.

INT. THE STARLIGHT LOUNGE - NIGHT
Some strange 60’s lounge classic plays like Yma Sumac on the jukebox.
Alona and Gill sit at the bar with cocktails.

ALONA
So what are you gonna do now?

GILL
Well, I still have my job --
(beat)
And I still have you.

ALONA
Gill, I’m with Beggar.
You know that. You’re a friend.

GILL
I know to you I’m just a client,
but I can tell you feel something when we make love.
I can feel it.

ALONA
My dear, sweet Gill -- the incurable romantic.

GILL
I wish you’d let me take you away from all of this, Alona.
(gestures)
This place is a dive. A cesspool --

The BARTENDER looks up. Pissed off.

ALONA
Gill, I like my life just the way it is. No strings.
Nothing to tie me down. If I get tired of it, I can just split.
(beat)
And I like sex too much.

GILL
(finishes his drink)
Speaking of sex, let’s go upstairs.
I need to quench my thirst from your heavenly fountain.

ALONA
Heavenly fountain?
(drains her drink)
Kitchen sink is more like it.

EXT. STARLIGHT HOTEL - NIGHT
Holly comes down the front steps. Weaving a little.
She stops. Looks around.
Sees a crowd of ONLOOKERS
in front of the liquor store crime scene.

Feo, still sitting on the park bench, sees Holly.

FEO
Hey, there.
(smiles)
We’ve got to stop meeting like this.

HOLLY
(sees him)
Oh. Hey.
(points at the crowd)
What’s -- going on?

FEO
Some chick knocked off the liquor store
with a couple of gang-bangers, then shot one of ‘em.
(holds up I-phone)
Wanna see the footage?

She stares. He saw it?
But doesn’t recognize her?

HOLLY
(trying to be casual)
Sure.

Holly sits down.
He holds up the phone in front of her.

ON THE SCREEN
We see grainy, black and white footage of the robbery,
with Holly seen from the rear.
She SHOOTS the gang-banger.
He falls. She grabs the liquor, RUNS into the back.

HOLLY
Looks at Feo.

HOLLY (CONT’D)
Huh. Looks kinda like me.

FEO
Nah. She looks vicious. You’re kinda cute.

HOLLY
You really --
(hiccups)
Really think so?

FEO
Yeah. If I didn’t have a -- situation to take care of,
I’d ask you if I could buy you a drink.

HOLLY
(points)
Hotel’s got a bar, right there.
Buy me a drink, we can talk about it?
(weird smile)
Maybe I can help.

FEO
You’re on.
(beat)
Don’t worry, I don’t kiss and tell.

HOLLY
That’s a shame. I do.

Why Do You Think They Call It A Stiff?

Happy Thursday, hardboiled crime slicksters. Are you ready to get down and dirty? Violent and bloody? Then you've come to the right place, where the chicks are hot, the drinks are cold, and the bodies are dead ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from BLOOD GETS IN YOUR EYES, where things are getting a bit ... stiff.

Hooker Alona Tal's trick Gill Sherry has been kicked out of his house by his wife for cheating on her ... with Alona ... so now he's shown up on her doorstep, looking for love. Problem is, she's first got to hide the dead body in her room ...


INT. ALONA'S SHITTY HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
A soft KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK at the door.
They all look at each other, scared.

GILL (O.C.)
Alona? Are you in there?
It’s me, Gill.
Donna kicked me out --

ALONA
(whispers)
What the fuck?
(goes to the door)
Right now’s not a good time, Gill.
I’m kinda busy.

BEGGAR
(whispers)
Gill? The teacher? The trick?
(off her nod)
Tell him to meet you in the bar,
we’ll get outta here, and you can do him.

GILL (O.C.)
Alona?

ALONA
I have company, Gill. Beggar’s here.
Meet me downstairs in the bar in a couple minutes, okay?

GILL (O.C.)
Okay, okay -- thank you, my love.
I’ll see you down in the bar.

BEGGAR
(looks at Holly)
Okay, we’re outta here.

HOLLY
What about --
(points at the body)
Him?

BEGGAR
Shit.
(thinks)
Under the bed.
(to Alona)
C’mon, help me.

ALONA
Over my dead --
(beat)
Okay.

Beggar and Alona each take an end of Oscar’s body.
Start to slide it toward the bed.

ALONA (CONT’D)
He’s so -- stiff.

BEGGAR
Why do you think they call it a fucking STIFF?

They start to push him under the bed,
but his stomach’s too big. Doesn’t quite fit.

ALONA
Shit.

BEGGAR
C’mon, PUSH.

Beggar and Alona put their hands on his side, and PUSH.
It doesn’t move.

BEGGAR (CONT'D)
HARDER.

They PUSH again. Nothing.

HOLLY
Let me try.

ALONA
You fucking kidding me?

BEGGAR
(stands back)
Be my guest.

Holly takes a few steps back,
races toward the body,
and KICKS it with animal strength.
It POPS under the bed, THWUNK.

ALONA
Holy shit.

BEGGAR
How did you --

HOLLY
(faint smile)
Used to play soccer.

Alona pulls the bedspread down, hiding it.

ALONA
Okay, you guys split.

Time for me to get in character.

BEGGAR
Oh, yeah? What character?

PUSH IN ON Alona.
Resigned to her fate.

ALONA
Used to be Lady Madonna --
(beat)
Now it’s Lady Macbeth.