Call Me Ishmael

Happy Tuesday, crime-fucks. Did you miss me yesterday? Had some hardboiled computer problems, but we're back in action today. So pour yourself a fresh cocktail, load up your favorite piece, and get your asses over to the coolest joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, and you better hold onto your seats, kids, cause this one's a doozy ...

When we last left private eye Carrie Love, she was defending her family and friends against white slave trafficker Tolly Chill and his band of goons ... who have invaded her mother's home on Christmas Eve during a freak snowstorm. The gang has escaped into a secret basement room, but the mobsters are hot on their trail ... but just when all seems lost, Carrie's mother reveals a secret tunnel ...

INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - BASEMENT - NIGHT

Carrie walks over to the bookcase. Scans the titles. Finds it.

Pulls it out by the spine --

and the bookcase SLIDES open,

revealing a staircase going down.

CARRIE

Geraldo Rivera eat your heart out.

(to Blue)

Why don’t you help Layla get mom into the wheelchair.

(to Bernie and Seth)

And you guys help me move the desk in front of the door.

It should buy us some time.

EVA

What can I do?

CARRIE

Why don’t you go down first, look around. Be our scout.

EVA

(nods)

You know, if I wasn’t scared shitless,

I’d say this is the most fun I’ve had in years.

INT. UPSTAIRS BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Tolly and Mick stand in front of Porkpie’s dead body.

MICK

The fucking bitch.

TOLLY

And they got his gun. SHIT.

MICK

So what now?

TOLLY

Let’s go down the chimney --

(KA-CHINKS the gun magazine)

And deliver the presents.

INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS

Carrie and Bernie push the desk against the door.

Layla wheels Margo to the steps.

Bernie races over. Grabs a handle.

BERNIE

(to Seth)

Let’s carry her.

SETH

(grabs the other)

Got it.

POUNDING on the door.

TOLLY (O.C.)

Hey, YOU IN THERE.

Open the door RIGHT NOW, or we’ll start SHOOTING.

CARRIE

Hurry up, let’s go.

(to Margo)

How do you close it again?

MARGO

There’s a switch on the wall.

CARRIE

(at the door)

Get THE FUCK out of my MOTHER’S HOUSE.

ON THE OTHER SIDE

Tolly looks at Mick.

MICK

I say we fuckin’ blast ‘em.

TOLLY

Let’s DO IT.

IN THE STUDY

The door ERUPTS in MACHINE GUN FIRE. Wood SPRAYS.

CARRIE

Move it, move it, move it --

Bernie and Seth carry Margo down the stairs.

Blue follows, then Layla. And Carrie.

The panel closes. THWUNK.

The top half of the door above the desk is SHREDDED by bullets.

A confetti of wood SPRAYS into the room.

It falls over. BANG.

Tolly and Mick step up onto the desk.

Walk in the room.

TOLLY

What the fuck? GODDAMMIT.

They were just HERE. I HEARD her --

MICK

Where the fuck did they GO?

INT. SECURITY PATROL CAR - AT THAT MOMENT

Tip talks on his cell phone.

TIP

Yes, on the walkie talkie.

The woman said she and her family were being attacked.

It’s a HOME INVASION.

(listens)

I told you, I DON’T KNOW the address.

She got cut off --

(listens)

Just send some officers,

and we’ll figure it out when they get here.

(listens)

THANK YOU.

He hangs up. Picks up the flask. Takes a drink. Toasts.

TIP (CONT’D)

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening --

INT. BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS

A large, dusty room. Dim light from a single light.

The joint looks like an old-time saloon.

Carrie, Bernie, Blue, Seth, Margo and Layla huddle together.

Seth flicks on a light switch. Nothing.

SETH

I thought Diego changes the lights.

MARGO

He does, in the main basement.

This is a secret room.

He doesn’t know about it.

Carrie walks around, inspecting the walls.

CARRIE

So I imagine there is at least one secret tunnel.

MARGO

There are two, actually.

Bonus points if you can find them.

CARRIE

You’re gonna make this as difficult as possible, aren’t you.

SETH

Well, we wouldn’t be in this mess if you hadn’t been followed here.

BERNIE

You got THAT right.

BLUE

Oh, no -- it’s all my fault, you guys.

CARRIE

Everybody shut up.

(to Margo)

Mom, I’m sorry if I didn’t live up to your expectations --

but I’m my own person now, I’m an ADULT,

and I deserve to be treated with respect.

I help people for a living,

and I seem to remember you

fell in love with my father because HE did.

(to Seth)

Little brother, I’m sorry if you think I abandoned you

after I joined the police force,

but in case you didn’t know it,

DEAR MOTHER here forbade me from contacting you.

Said I was a bad influence.

SETH

Mom?

CARRIE

Let me finish.

(to Bernie)

And you, my dear ex-husband and former partner.

(points at Blue)

As I seem to remember when we joined the force,

we were sworn to protect and serve the public --

and that’s all I’m trying to do for this girl.

Her sister was MURDERED,

and she was about to be, too --

so PARDON ME for saving her life.

(to everyone)

So NOW you know why I’ve been avoiding coming home.

Because THIS SHIT follows me WHEREEVER I GO.

So let’s stop bickering.

It’s gonna be Christmas tomorrow morning soon,

and there’s no way in HELL I’m gonna spend it in a funeral home.

Carrie’s walkie talkie CRACKLES to life.

GERO (O.C.)

Tolly, you there?

She motions everyone to be quiet.

TOLLY (O.C.)

I’m here, pop.

GERO (O.C.)

We’re nearby. What’s the address?

TOLLY (O.C.)

I told you, I don’t know.

GERO (O.C.)

Goddammit.

(beat)

That broad still on this thing?

She changes the frequency to the other one she used before.

CARRIE

Hey, you -- private security guy, you still there?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. SECURITY PATROL CAR - MOVING - CONTINUOUS

Tip picks up his walkie. Speaks into it.

TIP

The Name’s Tip. I’m here.

Is this the lady whose house is being invaded?

CARRIE

The one and only. Call me Ishmael.

So listen, the invaders have backup, and they’ve just arrived.

They’re circling the area because the idiots don’t know the address.

Keep an eye out for ‘em.

Probably the only car out in this neighborhood in the blizzard.

TIP

Gotcha. Will do.

CARRIE

The cops on their way?

TIP

Yeah. But I didn’t get your address. We got cut off.

CARRIE

1600 Sunset Boulevard.

TIP

Great. I’ll alert them and then I’m on my way.

Are you all okay?

CARRIE

Yeah, thanks. It’s a long story, but we’re safe right now.

We’ve killed two of them, and there’re two left.

TIP

Holy shit. Keep me posted, Ishmael.

Merry Christmas.

CARRIE

Yeah. If you say so.

(shuts it off, to everyone)

Okay, the private security guy is gonna give the cops the address,

and they should be on their way soon.

But I think we should check out the tunnels.

Whataya say?

Geraldo Rivera, Eat Your Heart Out

Happy Friday, hardboiled crime motherfuckers. You say you're fed up? Mad as hell, and can't take it anymore? Then slip on your shoulder holster, load up your favorite piece, and head on over to the coolest joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's steaming slab of action, courtesy of LITTLE GIRL BLUE ...

Now that white slave trafficker Tolly Chill and his henchmen have invaded private eye Carrie Love's family's Beverly Hills mansion on Christmas Eve, Carrie and the gang fight back, and kill two of Tolly's goons ... but the survivors are still on the attack, so Margo reveals a secret way to escape ...

INSIDE THE STUDY

Eva sees the doorknob turning.

The door opening --

EVA

The DOOR.

She SHOOTS. BANG.

Blue SHOOTS. BANG.

The rifle KNOCKS her shoulder.

She JERKS.

Seth FIRES OFF a BLAST OF ROUNDS -

BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

OUTSIDE THE DOOR

Tolly reaches around, AND FIRES into the room.

BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

INSIDE THE STUDY

Everybody DUCKS. HITS the floor.

Eva and Blue reload.

Seth FIRES again.

BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. Eyes on fire.

INT. CARRIE’S BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT

Gunshots RING OUT from downstairs.

No one moves.

Porkpie holds his gun on Carrie.

Listening. Concentrating.

Carrie looks at Bernie.

Her eyes flicker. He slightly nods.

Confused, Porkpie moves his gun from Carrie to Bernie.

Carrie SHOOTS him in the head.

BANG. He goes down. THWUMP.

CARRIE

(picks up the walkie)

Haven’t used that one in a long time.

BERNIE

Like old home week. Grab his gun.

CARRIE

(takes it)

Let’s go downstairs. Join the party.

BERNIE

Better take the service stairs.

CARRIE

Service with a smile.

BERNIE

Don’t get carried away.

I’m still mad at you.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Tolly stands next to the door.

Looks at the holes in it.

TOLLY

Gotta go get Mick.

He turns, and RACES up the stairs to the second floor.

INT. SECOND FLOOR HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Tolly races into Carrie’s room.

Sees Aldo’s dead body.

And Mick. All tied up.

MICK

Took you long enough.

TOLLY

(starts untying him)

Shut the fuck up.

(beat)

They’ve all got guns. Goddamit.

He finishes. Mick’s free.

Tolly takes his Uzi.

MICK

What now?

TOLLY

(raises the Uzi)

We go the fuck downstairs and get the bitches.

MICK

Where’s Porkpie?

TOLLY

I thought he was -- here, upstairs.

MICK

Don’t look at me.

I’ve been a little tied up.

INT. STUDY - CONTINUOUS

Bernie and Carrie dash into the room.

Close the door.

SETH

Carrie. What happened?

CARRIE

We killed another one of them.

Got his Uzi. Have more firepower.

BERNIE

They’re now down to two.

And one of ‘em is tied up.

BLUE

Wow.

SETH

One of them was out there,

but we shot at them,

and now he’s gone.

CARRIE

Where?

Seth shrugs.

BERNIE

(looks at Carrie)

Okay, so what now?

Margo opens her eyes. Blinks.

Looks around the room.

MARGO

We could go down to the basement.

It’s probably a lot safer.

LAYLA

Mrs. Love?

MARGO

I told you, call me Margo.

LAYLA

I gave you enough Dilaudid to knock out A-Rod.

MARGO

Honey, please.

You should see my medicine cabinet.

CARRIE

What do you mean downstairs?

The door to the basement

is at the other end of the house.

MARGO

Your father never wanted you kids to know,

but there’s a secret door

in this room that leads down there --

left over from Prohibition.

There’s all kinds of tunnels down there.

CARRIE

And you’re just telling us this NOW?

MARGO

I would have before --

(points at Layla)

But this one keeps pumping me full of drugs.

LAYLA

Excuse me for doing my job.

BERNIE

So how do we get down there?

MARGO

Go to the bookcase. Pull out Moby Dick.

Carrie walks over to the bookcase.

Scans the titles. Finds it.

Pulls it out by the spine --

and the bookcase SLIDES open,

revealing a staircase going down.

CARRIE

Geraldo Rivera eat your heart out.

That Fucking Bitch Is So Close I Can Smell Her

Happy Thurdsay, crime fighters. Are you ready for another trip to the dark side? Ready for a swift kick in the balls? Then it's time once again to head on out to the hippest harboiled joint in cyberspace, where the action is steamin' ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's steaming slab of action, courtesy of LITTLE GIRL BLUE ...

Where private eye Carrie Love is defending her family and friends against a home invasion on Christmas Eve in Beverly Hills during a freak snowstorm ... and so far, they've been successful at keeping out Tolly Chill and his goons ... when, just in the knick of time, Tolly's father arrives ...

INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Tolly and Porkpie huddle.

TOLLY

You check the rest of the rooms on this floor.

I’ll go downstairs.

That fucking bitch is so close I can smell her.

PORKPIE

Okay.

(beat)

Really? You can smell her?

TOLLY

It’s an expression, you idiot.

C’mon, move it.

They start for the door.

IN THE STUDY

Seth, Blue, Eva and Layla watch Margo sleep.

LAYLA

It’s working.

EVA

You can thank the Polytechnic Institute of Berlin.

BLUE

(to Seth)

What do you think’s going on upstairs?

SETH

I don’t know.

Margo opens her eyes.

Looks dazed. A weak smile.

MARGO

Well, isn’t this a lovely reunion.

BLUE

Mom. How do you feel?

MARGO

Just -- fabulous.

For some reason I feel like --

listening to the Grateful Dead.

(looks at Eva)

Eva. How wonderful to see you.

You’re looking lovely as usual.

Everyone exchanges glances.

EVA

Sometimes the combination of medications

can strip away the patient’s inhibitions.

A soft THUMP outside the door.

SETH

What was that?

He walks over to the door.

Puts his ear against it. Listens.

SETH (CONT'D)

Someone’s out there.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD HILLS MANSION - FRONT DRIVE - AT THAT MOMENT

Gero and TWO GOONS stand in the driveway.

His LIMO pulls up in front of them.

They get in. It pulls away.

INT. LIMOUSINE - MOVING - CONTINUOUS

Gero sits in the back, with who we now recognize as

Strange-Looking Goon and Ugly Goon from the party.

DRIVER

Where to, sir?

GERO

Go down to Sunset and turn right.

I’ll let you know when we get there.

IN THE UPSTAIRS BEDROOM

Carrie argues with Tip on the walkie talkie.

CARRIE

Now listen to me, asshole. This is for REAL.

I’m a private detective, and a FORMER COP.

I need you to call the REAL COPS,

and send a couple units over here.

I’m here with my family,

and we’re BEING ATTACKED by INTRUDERS.

PORKPIE (O.C.)

Put down the walkie, NOW.

PORKPIE

Walks into the room. Gun on Carrie.

She DROPS it. CLANK.

Bernie WHIPS out his gun.

Points it at Porkpie.

BERNIE

You shoot and you’re DEAD.

PORKPIE

You shoot and SHE’S dead.

CARRIE

Fellas, fellas -- let’s calm down here.

INT. TIP’S SECURITY VEHICLE - AT THAT MOMENT

He listens to the walkie. Presses ‘talk.’

TIP

Hello, are you still there?

I believe you, I believe you --

I need your address.

(listens)

Hello?

(beat)

Shit.

He puts down the walkie.

Picks up his cell phone.

PUNCHES a number. Listens.

TIP (CONT’D)

911? I’d like to report a crime in progress.

(beat)

A home invasion.

(beat)

Yes, I’ll hold.

INT. MARGO’S MANSION - STUDY - AT THAT MOMENT

Seth grabs his gun. Aims it at the door.

SETH

There’s someone out there.

BLUE

Shit.

EVA

(aims hers, whispers)

Let’s get ‘em.

MARGO

We have company?

LAYLA

Shh.

Layla adjusts the drip.

Margo goes out like a light.

EVA

We know you’re OUT THERE,

and we’ve ALL GOT GUNS.

So why don’t you GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS HOUSE.

SETH

(looks at her)

Eva --

OUTSIDE THE DOOR

Tolly steps away from the door.

Pulls out his gun.

TOLLY

What the fuck?

He puts his hand on the doorknob.

Slowly turns it. Pushes --

INSIDE THE STUDY

Eva sees the doorknob turning.

The door opening --

EVA

The DOOR.

Be It Ever So Humble

Happy Hump Day, crime humpsters. You say you're slogging through another dreary work week, inching toward Friday fun? Well, why not get your hardboiled pulp groove on, and high-tail it over to the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where the action is fast and furious ...

When we last left private eye Carrie Love, she was defending her family against a home invasion in Beverly Hills on Christmas Eve during a freak snowstorm ... and now Tolly's Chill's goons have made their way inside the house ... where the bullets are flying, and the shit is hitting the fan ...

Deck the halls, indeed.

INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - GUEST ROOM - NIGHT

Carrie and Bernie listen at the connecting door.

She gives him a look that says ‘you hear anything?’ Bernie shrugs.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

INT. CARRIE’S ROOM - AT THAT MOMENT

Mick presses his ear against the door. Breathing heavily.

CARRIE

looks at Bernie. Points.

Mouths he’s right there.

She grabs the doorknob.

Nods with her head toward the room.

He nods.

She steps to the side --

and YANKS the door open.

Mick FALLS into the room, BANG.

HITS the floor.

She CRACKS him on the head with her gun.

LEAPS on top of him.

CARRIE

Get his GUN!

Bernie reaches for it,

but Mick THROWS Carrie off.

She FLIES across the room,

hits the wall with a THWUMP.

He WHIRLS AROUND,

and PUNCHES Bernie in the stomach, OOF.

ENRAGED, he stands up.

Points his pistol at Bernie.

MICK

Prepare to die, COCKSUCKER.

Carrie comes up behind him,

and BASHES him on the head with a chair. CRACK.

He goes down like a ton of bricks.

BERNIE

Like old times.

CARRIE

Always were a great team.

Carrie sees his walkie talkie on the floor.

She picks it up.

CARRIE (CONT’D)

This should come in handy.

(nods at Mick)

What should we do with him?

BERNIE

Tie him up and take him downstairs

where the others can keep an eye on him.

CARRIE

Take him hostage?

BERNIE

I’m an officer of the law,

placing him under arrest.

CARRIE

More like house arrest.

BERNIE

Hey. Be it ever so humble --

INT. GERO’S BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT

Gero lies in bed watching an old gangster movie on TV.

GERO

They’re sure taking their sweet time.

He picks up the phone.

Dials a number. Listens.

GERO (CONT’D)

Shit. Must be the weather.

Gero gets out of bed.

Pads over to the dresser.

Picks up his walkie talkie.

CLICKS it on.

GERO (CONT’D)

TOLLY, where the fuck are you?

What’s going on?

You get the broad yet?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MASTER BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT

Tolly speaks into his walkie.

TOLLY

Hey, pop.

Fucking snowstorm’s a bitch.

But we made it. We’re here.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. GUEST BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT

Carrie holds the walkie. Looks at Bernie.

CARRIE

Hey there, scumbag.

Snowstorm’s a bitch, and SO AM I.

GERO

Who the fuck is THAT?

TOLLY

YOU. How’d you get on this line?

CARRIE

Well, let’s see -- Paulie Walnuts is dead,

and we’ve got the Mick tied up in knots.

Why don’t you come join the party?

GERO

What the fuck?

TOLLY

Send more men, Pop.

We’re in Beverly Hills, on Sunset Boulevard.

GERO

What’s the address?

TOLLY

Shit. I -- left the GPS thing in the car.

CARRIE

Now that’s what I call a well-oiled machine.

TOLLY

Fuck you, bitch.

(to Gero)

I’ll call you back later.

When we’ve got some PRIVACY.

He CLICKS off the walkie.

Looks at Porkpie. Pissed off.

Gero shuts off his. Incensed.

CARRIE

Looks at Bernie.

CARRIE

We’ve got a lifeline.

We can call for help.

She switches the frequency.

Punches the TALK button.

CARRIE (CONT'D)

Hello, can anyone hear me?

It’s an emergency.

We’re being attacked by intruders --

TIP (O.C.)

Hey, you kids -- get off this line,

it’s for emergencies only.

CARRIE

I’m not a kid, this is for real.

TIP (O.C.)

Yeah, right -- and I'm Pee Wee Herman.

A Stitch In Time

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday ... will they ever hang a noose on you? Welcome back to the scene of the crime, cyber-hipsters, where the action is hot, the chicks are hotter, and the hardboiled violence is smokin' ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where the shit is now hitting the proverbial fan.

When we last left private eye Carrie Love, she was defending her family against a home invasion on Christmas Eve in Beverly Hills in the middle of a freak snowstorm, but now her mother is having another seizure, more goons are making their way into the house, and the drunken local private security patrol has just been informed that there have been 'shots fired' ...

INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - STUDY - NIGHT

Margo is having another SEIZURE. Layla holds her hand.

Increases the dosage on her drip.

LAYLA

We need a doctor, NOW. I don’t know what else to do.

(looks at everyone)

I’m just a NURSE.

SETH

(rushes over to her)

Mom, are you okay? Can you hear me?

(to Layla)

You gotta DO something.

Can’t you give her anything?

BLUE

Ohmigod.

She rushes to Seth.

Collapses in his arms.

He comforts her.

SETH

(to Eva)

Can’t YOU do something?

You were a doctor.

EVA

I was a doctor -- back in Germany.

But here in America, they don’t acknowledge my degree.

She looks off into space.

A bitter memory.

Stares at Margo.

Something resembling concern flashes on her face.

EVA (CONT'D)

(to Layla)

Do you have any morphine?

Something to knock her out?

LAYLA

I have Dilaudid --

EVA

Perfect. Give her 10 cc’s.

LAYLA

But that might -- put her in a coma.

EVA

Not that much.

And it would stop any brain damage.

(smiles)

It’s a European method.

Not used here in the States.

Simple, but effective.

Give her the Dilaudid,

and then a blood thinner.

The combination of the drugs --

something to stop the seizures,

and then something to open up

the artery to the brain -- can work.

SETH

(to Layla)

Go ahead, do it.

Layla crosses herself.

Pulls a small bottle out of her bag.

INT. SECURITY PATROL CAR - AT THAT MOMENT

Tip is fast asleep. He snores lightly. The radio SQUAWKS.

BITCHY DISPATCHER (O.C.)

Base to Unit Three, come in.

But he’s really sawing wood.

Dead to the world.

BITCHY DISPATCHER (O.C.) (CONT'D)

BASE TO UNIT THREE, do you COPY?

Tip SNORTS. Must be a great dream.

BITCHY DISPATCHER (O.C.) (CONT'D)

UNIT THREE, ARE YOU THERE?

He stirs. Opens his eyes.

Looks at the radio.

Reaches over, grabs the transmitter.

TIP

This is Unit -- Three. Whassup?

BITCHY DISPATCHER

Have a nice nap?

TIP

I wasn’t sleeping.

(rubs his eyes)

Is that you, Dick?

You sound -- different.

BITCHY DISPATCHER

NO, it’s not DICK. This is Germaine.

TIP

Gare-main?

GERMAINE

I’m a temp.

TIP

Oh. So what’s up?

GERMAINE

Got a call. Shots fired.

Sixteen hundred block of Sunset.

Probably a crank,

but you should check it out.

TIP

It’s Christmas Eve, for Chrissakes.

It’s a crank.

GERMAINE

Better check it out. A stitch in time.

TIP

Gee. Thanks for the pearls of wisdom.

GERMAINE

I don’t think I like your attitude.

TIP

That makes two of us, fella.

GERMAINE

Asshole.

TIP

FREAK.

He shuts off the radio. Pissed off.

He starts the engine.

TIP (CONT’D)

Well, that’ll wake you up --

EXT. MARGO’S MANSION - BACK YARD

It’s really coming down now. Snow drifts everywhere.

The joint is now like a white shroud.

Tolly and Porkpie stand on the ladder,

now up against another window.

Porkpie’s at the top. Looks down at Tolly.

TOLLY

Try to open it. Slowly. Don’t make any noise.

PORKPIE

Fucking snow. Ladder is slippery.

Hold my ankles, willya?

Tolly does. Porkpie reaches up.

Holds onto the bottom of the window.

Gives it a push. It opens.

PORKPIE (CONT’D)

Hey. Look I found under the tree.

TOLLY

So make like Saint Nick and get the fuck in there.

Scene of the Crime

Happy Monday, crime slicksters. Did you have a great weak-end? Feeling the holiday spirit ... of evil? Ready to get back into the hardboiled crime groove? Then get your winter wonderland asses over to the coolest joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where the action is kicked up a notch ...

It's complete mayhem at private eye Carrie Love's mother's house, where she and her mother Margo, her brother Seth, college co-ed Blue Wonder and Carrie's ex homicide detective Bernie Keko are fending off mobster Tolly Chill and his goons, who are trying a little 'Christmas Eve home invasion.' Shots are fired, blood flows, and there's just no time for eggnog ...

EXT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION -NIGHT

Tolly climbs ladder. Gets near the window.

Stops. Looks down at Porkpie.

TOLLY

Wait a minute.

PORKPIE

What?

TOLLY

Why don’t we leave them up there --

and then you and I go in ANOTHER window?

PORKPIE

That, boss -- is why you’re the boss.

Fuckin’ brilliant.

They start climbing back down.

Aldo sticks his head out the window.

Sees them.

ALDO

Hey, where are you guys goin’?

TOLLY

(loud whisper)

You guys stay up there, hold ‘em off for a bit.

Make ‘em think you’re trapped in there.

We’re gonna go in through another window.

ALDO

That’s fucking brilliant.

PORKPIE

That’s what I said.

ALDO

Mick got one in the leg,

but it’s only a flesh wound.

We’ll hold ‘em off for a while.

TOLLY

Tell Mick to hang tight.

Reinforcements are coming.

Aldo nods. Goes back in.

Tolly starts climbing back down.

TOLLY (CONT’D)

Gonna get that fucking bitch.

NO ONE gets away with disrespecting Tolly Chill.

IN THE HALLWAY

Eva pokes her head out of the door.

EVA

The shooting stopped.

CARRIE

They’ve barricaded themselves IN there.

Go down and tell everyone what’s going on.

Make sure my mom’s okay,

then come back up and join us.

This isn’t over yet.

EVA

Will do.

She dashes toward the stairs.

BERNIE

So what do we do now?

CARRIE

We wait them out.

Come up with a plan.

(thinks)

Oh shit, I just remembered.

BERNIE

What?

CARRIE

The connecting bathroom.

BERNIE

Shit, that’s right.

Between your room --

CARRIE

And the guest room, yeah.

The scene of our crimes.

Come on, let’s go check it out.

IN THE STUDY

The door opens.

Layla SHOOTS in.

Closes it behind her.

SETH

Are you okay?

LAYLA

I stayed in the bathroom.

BLUE

It’s quiet now.

Maybe they got them.

SETH

NO --

BLUE

I meant maybe Carrie and Bernie got THEM.

The door OPENS. In comes Eva.

EVA

It’s okay, everyone.

Carrie and Bernie have the bad men trapped in her room.

SETH

She DOES?

BLUE

Holy SHIT.

Margo opens her eyes, groggy.

Looks at Eva.

EVA

(brightly)

Margo. How are you feeling?

MARGO

What the fuck are you doing with my rifle?

INT. CARRIE’S BEDROOM - AT THAT MOMENT

Aldo helps Mick tie a tourniquet around his leg. TIGHT.

MICK

So what now.

ALDO

There’s another door.

Let’s check it out.

MICK

But boss said to sit tight.

ALDO

And if he told you to jump off a bridge, would you?

MICK

Fuck you. At least we’re warm.

I say we stay here.

ALDO

My point IS, dummy --

that if there’s another door,

they could come IN.

MICK

Oh. Right.

SPLIT SCREEN WITH:

IN THE ADJOINING ROOM

Carrie and Bernie walk in.

Tip-toe over to the connecting door

into where Mick and Aldo are. Listen.

IN CARRIE’S ROOM

Mick and Aldo go to the same door. Listen.

Mick looks at Aldo. Shrugs.

Aldo screws his face up.

He’s about to sneeze.

Mick CLAMPS his hand on Aldo’s mouth.

But it’s no good.

He let’s a LOUD ONE RIP --

ALDO

A-CHOOO!

IN THE ADJOINING ROOM

Carrie and Bernie OPEN FIRE.

BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

IN CARRIE’S ROOM

Aldo gets HIT in the chest.

Falls to the floor, THWUMP.

Mick ROLLS away to the side.

Starts PUMPING SHOTS at the door.

BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

IN THE ADJOINING ROOM

Carrie and Bernie JUMP on either side of the door.

CARRIE

(whispers)

I got one of ‘em.

You hear that ‘thump?’

BERNIE

What about the other one.

CARRIE

Let’s wait and find out.

IN CARRIE’S ROOM

Mick sits on the floor, under the window.

Holds his right hand.

It’s bleeding pretty bad.

MICK

God-DAMMit.

He goes to the bed.

Pulls off a pillow case.

RIPS off a strip of fabric.

Starts winding it around his hand.

MICK (CONT’D)

Fucking BITCH is gonna PAY.

The Dysfunctional Family Picnic

Happy Friday, crime-busters. You ready for some pulse-pounding, ass-kicking hardboiled thrills? Then you've come to the right place, where you can all the cheap, pervy kicks you want ... at That Killing Feeling.

Onto today's action-packed joint from LITTLE GIRL BLUE, where private eye Carrie Love is right now in the middle of defending her family against a home invasion on Christmas Eve ...

INT. BEVERLY HILLS MANSION - UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - NIGHT

Glass SHATTERS. A big THUD. CRASHING noises behind the door.

Bernie, Carrie and Eva exchange horrified looks.

EVA

Oh my GOD.

BERNIE

It’s THEM.

CARRIE

And they’re in MY ROOM.

Carrie CLICKS the safety on her Glock.

Moves to the left of the door.

Signals to be quiet.

Bernie SHOVES a clip in his Baretta.

Moves to right side.

BERNIE

(whispers to Eva)

Go down the hall, around the corner.

Wait for us.

EVA

(CRACKS the rifle bolt)

Screw that. I’ll cover you.

She opens the door across from them. Goes in the room.

Closes it until all we see is the barrel of her rifle.

IN THE STUDY

Seth and Blue pull apart.

BLUE

What the FUCK was that?

SETH

Someone’s trying to get in.

They grab their guns.

Seth goes to the door. Listens.

UPSTAIRS

Carrie leans toward the door.

CARRIE

We know you’re IN THERE.

Come out with your HANDS UP

and we won’t KILL you.

BERNIE

We’ve got you SURROUNDED.

You’ll never make it out of here ALIVE.

INT. CARRIE’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Still as it was when Carrie was a teenager.

Cute. Colorful.

Mick and Aldo stand in the middle of the room.

Guns aimed at the door. They exchange looks.

They start FIRING at the door.

BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

EXT. MANSION - BACK YARD - CONTINUOUS

Tolly and Porkpie look up at the window. Hear the firing.

PORKPIE

They’re thugs.

No finesse -- no stealth.

Just go in blasting.

TOLLY

You want something done right,

you gotta do it yourself. C’mon.

He starts climbing up the ladder.

Porkpie follows him.

IN THE HALLWAY

Carrie and Bernie watch the door get BLOWN TO BITS.

Chunks of wood go FLYING.

They both LEAN IN, start FIRING.

IN THE BEDROOM

Mick gets SHOT in the LEG.

SCREAMS in pain.

MICK

MOTHERFUCKERS.

He goes to the bureau.

Start SHOVING it toward the doorway.

MICK (CONT’D)

C’mon, HELP ME.

Aldo races over, starts PUSHING it with him.

They wrestle it in front of the doorway.

MICK (CONT'D)

Jesus fucking Christ.

He didn’t say nothing about them having GUNS.

ALDO

The private dick, remember?

MICK

Yeah, but who’s the GUY?

ALDO

Hell if I know.

IN THE HALLWAY

Carrie peers around the doorway.

CARRIE

They’ve blocked it with the dresser.

BERNIE

That’s fucking weird.

Normally WE’D be trying to keep them OUT

while they try to come IN.

CARRIE

They didn’t know what they were up against.

BERNIE

Yeah. The dysfunctional family picnic.