Too Sexy For My Gun

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 29 of GUN-WILD, bank robbers on the run Cam Clinch and Rod Funk hole up in a sex motel and hatch a plan on how to get escape money. They decide to rob a small West Hollywood bank where 'the rich gays' keep their money, and in order to 'blend,' Cam disguises herself ... as a man ...


INT. THE STARLET MOTEL - MORNING
Nine AM. Sunlight streams through
the edge of the drawn curtain.
It hits Cam’s Glock on the night table.

IN THE BATHROOM
Cam looks in the mirror.
Holds up a pair of scissors.

CAM
You really think I can
pull off dressing like a boy?

ROD (O.C.)
(chuckles)
Maybe a gay boy.

CAM
I knew you had tendencies --

She starts CLIPPING off chunks of her long hair.
They flutter down into the sink.

Rod walks in.
His hair is now in a blonde buzz cut.
He takes a swig from a bottle of vodka.

ROD
HEY. I was passed out.

CAM
(still clipping)
Yeah, but your dick still got hard.

ROD
I was fucking SLEEPING, Cam --

She finishes cutting.
The hair that’s left is ragged, choppy.

CAM
Gimme some vodka.

He hands it to her.
She takes a swig.
Stares in the mirror.

ROD
God, you look different.

CAM
Kinda like it.
(growls)
I’m BUTCH.

He hands her an Ace bandage.
She hands him the bottle.

CAM (CONT'D)
What’s this for?

ROD
(takes a swig)
To bind down your tits.
And then another one
to wind around your waist.
We gotta do something about
that hourglass figure of yours.

Cam starts wrapping
the bandage around her chest.

CAM
(sings)
I’m too sexy for my gun,
too sexy for my gun --

ROD
We could go to West Hollywood.
Blend.

She finishes.
Starts wrapping the other one
around her waist.

CAM
That’s actually a great idea.

ROD
What?

CAM
We could go jack a West Hollywood bank.
There’s a First Nationwide
on Santa Monica Boulevard.
It’s small, but I bet
it’s nice and juicy.

Cam is done.
She looks at her waistline.
And the lack of one.

ROD
(hands her a t-shirt)
Here. Try this on.

CAM
(as she pulls it on)
Gays have more money,
they have no kids.
Bet it’s nice and juicy.

She looks in the mirror.
No figure.

Rod holds a moustache in his hand.
He applies spirit gum.
Hands it to her.

ROD
Village People,
here we come.

Cam carefully puts it on.
Stares in the mirror.

CAM
(low)
Hey, sailor.
Buy me a drink?

Rod takes a swig of the bottle.
Hands it to her.

Cam takes a long pull.
Wipes her mouth.

ROD
Let’s do it.

CAM
Take a walk on the wild side?

ROD
You know what they say --
(SMACKS her ass)
When in Rome --

CAM
HEY.

ROD
That’s right, I forgot.
You’re a top.

CAM
And don’t you forget it --