Cock-Blocked By A Skirt

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 34 of WILSHIRE BOULEVARD, born-again wannabe TV movie producer Ken Rice tries to pitch his 'gay incest' story to widow Gay Flender, with disastrous results. Meanwhile, homicide dicks Bernie Keko and Aya Meir visit the Horse's Head dive bar, moments after 'private eye on the lam' Carrie Love has made her escape ...


INT. YAVO/FLENDER FILMS - CONFERENCE ROOM - DUSK
Gay sits at the head of the giant table.
POSTERS of her husband’s movies dot the walls.

Disaster flicks. Cheesy biopics.
Heartwarming holiday stories.
Chick flicks, lite.

Across from her sits
Ken Rice and David Nance.
Smiles all around.

Gay sips from a bottle of water.
Nods, listening.

KEN
-- a spiritual awakening,
so he goes to confession
and renounces his sins.
(beat)
And then, over the closing credits,
we see him go up
the front steps of his house --
and ring the bell.
(dramatic flourish)
And we fade to black.

GAY
I like it.
I like it ALOT.

DAVID
You do? I mean --
great, that’s great.

KEN
(to David)
What did I tell you?
I knew she’d get it.

GAY
It’s bold. Daring. Edgy.
(off their smiles)
But we gotta change
the young guy to a girl.
And she can’t be his daughter.

KEN
Excuse me?

DAVID
(Soto voce)
I told you --

GAY
The gay incest thing?
No network is gonna buy it,
Ken. Hel-lo-o.
Get a grip on yourself.
We make safe, bland pabulum
for basic cable.
What do you think this is, HBO?

DAVID
Certainly not.

KEN
This is my passion project.
Dedicated to the memory of my POPPA.
(strangely)
He was VERY SPECIAL to me --
(POUNDS the table)
And I’m NOT changing a THING.

GAY
(stands)
Then I suggest you go
peddle your passion
somewhere where they give a fuck.

A soft KNOCK-KNOCK on the door.

GAY
Who the fuck IS IT?

Fleming sticks his head in.
Tentative.

FLEMING
Hub Flower is on three.
Says it’s urgent.

GAY
Poor baby’s probably having a hard time
finding a crack whore at the Four Seasons.

EXT. THE HORSE HEAD - DUSK
Carrie walks out the front door.
Lights a smoke.

CARRIE (V.O.)
I was cock-blocked by a skirt.
First time for everything.
It was just as well --

I mean,
I was just going through the motions.
Sex with a stripper is like
having desert for dinner.
Tastes great, less filling --
but you’re hungry again
a couple hours later.
And besides, I have a
damsel in distress to attend to.
(beat)
And right now,
she’s about all I have left.

BERNIE (O.C.)
It’s right down here.
A real dive,
one of her favorite places --

CARRIE
(hears him)
Shit.

She pulls down her hat.
Walks quickly in the opposite direction.
DUCKS into a TATTOO PARLOR.

BERNIE AND AYA
appear in front of the bar.

AYA
Disgusting.
I can smell it from out here.

BERNIE
(fondly)
I know --

INT. TATTOO PARLOR - AT THAT MOMENT
Carrie walks up to the counter.

Behind it, a HUGE, TATTOOED BRUTE
looks her up and down.
Wipes his mouth. Leers.

TATTOOED BRUTE
Hey, mamma -- how bout a little ink?

Carrie pulls out her GUN.
Waves it in his face.

CARRIE
I’m lookin’ for the back entrance, DOG.

TATTOOED BRUTE
You sure? I gotta fresh needle --

She marches past him
toward a curtained-off doorway.

INT. THE HORSE HEAD - AT THAT MOMENT
Bernie and Aya approach the bar.
Case the joint. Take seats.

Scary bartender ambles over.
Clocks them immediately.

SCARY BARTENDER
What can I do for you, officers?

BERNIE
(pulls out a photograph)
Have you seen this woman?

SCARY BARTENDER
(looks at it)
Can’t say I have.

AYA
You sure?

SCARY BARTENDER
I’d sure as hell remember HER.

Bernie frowns.
Puts the picture down.
Checks his watch.

BERNIE
Hey. It’s six. I’m starving.

AYA
It’s that late already?

BERNIE
(to Scary)
You still have those -- horse burgers?

AYA
HORSE burgers?

SCARY BARTENDER
(wistful)
We usedta. Gotta new owner.
Now just have beef.

BERNIE
I’ll take a bacon cheeseburger,
bloody-rare, with the works.
(to Aya)
You -- hungry?

AYA
Starving.
(to Scary)
Can I get a veggie burger?

SCARY BARTENDER
Sorry. No veggie.

AYA
I’ll just have some fries, thanks.

Scary nods.
Goes off to fix the grub.

CURVY (O.C.)
Hey. I saw this girl.
She was just in here.

CURVY stands next to Bernie.
Picks up the photo. Squints.

CURVY (CONT’D)
Her hair is different,
got this dykey Jodie Foster thing,
but that’s her.

BERNIE
Holy shit. How long ago was she here?

CURVY
She just left.

AYA
Which way did she go?

CURVY
Hell if I know --

They LEAP off their stools.
RACE for the door.

SCARY
appears from the back with the food.

SCARY BARTENDER
Hey. Where ya goin’?