From Brassiere To Eternity

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 33 of NOWHERE GIRLS, after escaping from the FBI, framed Homeland Security agents Cherry Nation and April Street commandeer a Harley chopper and continue their getaway. Meanwhile, black ops spook Honey Almond and FBI Director Clint Ruff have a rather 'intimate' conference call ...

INT. MAX’S SUV - MOVING - AT THAT MOMENT
Max drives slowly in the shoulder.

SUNDAY
They’re fucking GONE.

MAX
Don’t worry. I saw them turn off
at that entrance up ahead.

SUNDAY
Then why don’t you MOVE IT?

MAX
Uh, I’m waiting for a break in the traffic?
Call me madcap, but I don’t want to get hit head-on.

SUNDAY
Wise-ass.

MAX
You love it.

SUNDAY
Shut up.

MAX
You’re BLUSHING.

SUNDAY
No, I’m not. Fuck you.

MAX
Yes you are. You’re fucking BLUSHING.
I love it.

SUNDAY
Shut the fuck up and drive the car --

He sees a break in the traffic.
HITS the gas. They ROAR into the road.
Max turns his head. Looks at her. Smiles.

MAX
I’m sorry. Adrenaline. You know.

Pause.
SUNDAY
I’ve got this joke --
I tell people I sleep with a guy
every ten years to remind myself
how much I prefer women.

MAX
And?

SUNDAY
You do the math --

EXT. CUL DE SAC - AT THAT MOMENT
April fools with a pair of wires
on the steering column of the Harley.

They SPARK. The engine ROARS to life.
April jumps on. Cherry gets on behind her.

A shotgun KA-CHINKS behind them.

A POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER
Stands on his porch.
Aiming both barrels at them.

POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER
What the FUCK do you CUNTS think you’re DOING?

Cherry FLIPS out her ID.
FLASHES it in his face.

CHERRY
Homeland Security.
We need to borrow your hog.
It’s a matter of national security.

POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER
Wait a minute. I SEEN you before.

APRIL
It’s all lies. We’re innocent --

CHERRY
We were framed --

POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER
Nah, not that shit on TV.
(points at Cherry)
You’re LA CIENEGA BOULEVARD, the PORN STAR.

CHERRY
I, uh -- retired from that.

POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER
I KNOW. And ya broke my heart.
I got ALL your tapes.
(beat)
From Brassiere To Eternity --
(sighs)
You were THE BEST --

April and Cherry exchange glances.
Cherry gives her a wink.

CHERRY
Tell you what.
If I give you my autograph,
can we borrow your bike?
We PROMISE we’ll return it.
My kids have been kidnapped,
and we gotta go rescue them.

POT-BELLIED NASTY BIKER
Someone kidnapped yer KIDS?
I’ll help ya. Follow you in my truck.

Cherry looks at April. She shrugs.

APRIL
What the fuck. Sure.

CHERRY
You’re on.

APRIL
On second thought --

She PUNCHES him in the face, SMACK.
He goes down, THWUMP.
Out cold. They look at him.

APRIL (CONT’D)
Sorry about that.

CHERRY
Hope my fan club doesn’t find out --

INT. HONEY’S UNDERGROUND LAIR - OFFICE - AT THAT MOMENT
Honey sits on the edge of the desk with her legs apart.
Monsterburg is inside her, pumping away.

HONEY
Damn, you’re good. Harder. HARDER.

MONSTERBURG
(goes faster)
Yes, MA’AM --
The phone RINGS. She picks it up.
He stops. Looks at her.

HONEY
Don’t STOP --
(into the phone)
This is Honey --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - CLINT RUFF’S OFFICE - AT THAT MOMENT
Clint sits at his desk. Sips a glass of scotch.
Faraway look in his eye. Red-faced.
Slowly nodding his head up and down.

CLINT
I just got a call from THE WHITE HOUSE.
I’m done pussy-footing around.
We’re bringing them DOWN.

HONEY
I wouldn’t do that if I were you --
(to Monsterburg)
God, YES --

He grins. Pumps furiously.

CLINT
I could give a FUCK about your threats, Missy.
All bets are off, as of NOW.
(beat)
What’s going on over there?
(beat)
Oh, god --

HONEY
I’m, I’m -- working out --
(GASPS)
Well, then I’m going to alert THE MEDIA
that the DIRECTOR OF THE FBI
likes to diddle MALE ESCORTS.
What do you think about THAT, HUH?
(beat)
Omigod, that’s good --

CLINT
FUCK YOU. How’s THAT?
I’m taking them DOWN, and YOU’RE NEXT.
(beat)
Oh, yeah -- god, yes --

HONEY
Well, for your information,
ASSHOLE, I SET THEM UP.
They didn’t DO IT.
The joke’s on YOU.
Who’s got egg on his face NOW?
(beat)
What are YOU doing?
Sounds like you’re having sex --

Clint ERUPTS in a massive ORGASM.
He lets out a war cry like a bull on steroids.

CLINT
YEAAAAAHHHH.

Pause.

HONEY
Ha. I knew it.
(looks at Monsterburg)
Oh, god YES. Right THERE --
(into the phone)
Hold on a sec --

Clint smiles. Shakes his head. Cups the phone.

CLINT
Okay, thanks. We’re done.
Money’s on the bureau.

A MALE ESCORT (19) pops out from under the desk.
Wipes his mouth with a kleenex.
Grabs a pile of cash. Hurries out.

CLINT
(into the phone)
You still there?

Honey lets out a blood-curdling YELP
of animal PASSION.

HONEY
AHHHHHHHHH -- YEAHHHHHHH.

Her hips buckle. She shudders. Stops.

CLINT
Hey, you’re having sex, TOO --
(beat)
I mean -- shit --
(beat)
Fuck.

Honey smiles dreamily.
Monsterburg hops off her.

Goes to the bar, pours a drink.
Honey lights up a smoke.

HONEY
(into the phone)
You still there?

CLINT
Uh, yeah --
(beat)
Where were we?

HONEY
I was threatening you,
and you were telling me to ‘fuck off.’
And there was a ‘big reveal’ about Street and Nation --

CLINT
Right --
(beat)
Eat shit and DIE, bitch. You’re DEAD.

He BANGS the phone down. Sighs.
Takes a sip of scotch.

CLINT
Here goes nothing --
(dials another number, listens)
Sparks, it’s Ruff --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MAX’S SUV - MOVING - NIGHT
Max drives furiously,
weaving through the sparse traffic
going toward them on the on-ramp.

Sunday touches her Bluetooth.
Cocks her head.

SUNDAY
They got away, but we’re right behind them --

CLINT
Don’t arrest them. They didn’t do it.

SUNDAY
They didn’t DO IT?

MAX
Who didn’t do what?

CLINT
I can’t go into the details.
New intel, highest clearance.
(beat)
And you have a new target --
(clears throat)
Honey Almond.

SUNDAY
Wait a minute, you’re making my head spin --

MAX
What the fuck’s going ON?

SUNDAY
(to Max)
He’s telling us to lay off Street and Nation,
that they’re innocent --
(into the phone)
What does your ex-wife have to do with this?

CLINT
Like I said, new intel.
She’s behind the rogue op
at the White House and set them up.
Just follow them, and HELP THEM, got it?

SUNDAY
Got it.
(beat)
So they’re -- on their way to Almond’s joint.

CLINT
Yeah. You need to help them
bring down Almond ASAP, is that CLEAR?

SUNDAY
You mean -- kill her.

CLINT
On sight.
(beat)
That’ll be all.

He BANGS down the phone.
Sighs. Sips his scotch.

CLINT
Women. Can’t live with ‘em,
can’t assassinate ‘em.

Hold Onto Your Labia

Hey there, crime kids. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 32 of NOWHERE GIRLS, it's the rip-roaring conclusion of the high-speed chase on the freeway when Homeland Security super-spy sisters Cherry Nation and April Street elude the FBI in their stolen DWP van ...


EXT. FREEWAY - NIGHT
The DWP van continues
swerving through oncoming traffic,
followed by the FBI convoy.

Vehicles SWERVE to avoid them.
A panel truck CRASHES into a Mini-Cooper.

INT. DWP VAN - MOVING - AT THAT MOMENT
Cherry stands in the back.
Holds onto a strap hanging from the ceiling.

Looks at the shelves lining the rear.
Then DWP Guy, still out cold.

CHERRY
Here goes nothing --

She raises her leg.
KICKS the rear doors.
They FLY OPEN.

INT. MAX’S SUV - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Max and Sunday see the doors of the van open.

SUNDAY
What in the HELL are they doing?

MAX
SHIT. They’re going to start
DUMPING STUFF OUT --

INT. DWP VAN - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Cherry GRABS a metal shelving unit
filled with pipes, tools and boxes of shit.
DRAGS it toward the open door --

CHERRY
I can’t believe I’m DOING THIS.

And SHOVES IT OUT.

EXT. TEN FREEWAY - CONTINUOUS
An FBI SUV gets HIT with the debris. SMASH.
Glass SPRAYS in the air.

The car SWERVES off into the embankment
and EXPLODES in a FIREBALL of FLAMES and BLACK SMOKE.

IN THE VAN
Cherry SCREAMS with delight.

CHERRY
Omigod was that COOL.

APRIL
Looks at Cherry in the rear view mirror.

APRIL
Good SHOT, baby. Get ‘em AGAIN.

CHERRY
GRABS another shelf.
Starts dragging it to the rear.

CHERRY
Once you start, you just can’t stop --

She SHOVES the metal unit OUT THE DOOR.

EXT. TEN FREEWAY - CONTINUOUS
Another FBI SUV gets HIT with the shelves, BANG.
The windshield EXPLODES. Glass SPRAYS.

The car JACK-KNIFES INTO THE AIR
and lands on the car behind it, SMASH.

Both cars do cartwheels onto the shoulder,
BANG, BANG, BANG -- then BURST into flames.

INT. MAX’S SUV - MOVING
Max swerves through oncoming traffic --
and flying debris.

MAX
We’re gonna get KILLED --

SUNDAY
Keep MOVING. We’ve got to GET THEM.

MAX
They’ve taken out three vehicles.
We’re NEXT.

SUNDAY
Stop being a wimp
and DRIVE THE FUCKING CAR.

INT. DWP VAN - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Cherry GRABS the last shelving unit.
Starts to drag it, when DWP Guy wakes up.
He stares at her, incensed.

DWP GUY
What THE FUCK do you
think you’re DOING?

CHERRY
Shut up and DON’T MOVE, FAT BOY.

DWP GUY
You can’t DO THAT.
That’s CITY PROPERTY.

He LUNGES at her.
Cherry SOCKS him in the jaw, CRACK.

DWP FLIES into the wall,
BANG -- BOUNCES off, HITS the floor,
and ROLLS OUT THE BACK --

EXT. TEN FREEWAY - CONTINUOUS
DWP Guy’s body HITS the windshield
of Max’s SUV, THWUMP.

IN THE CAR

MAX
Holy fucking shit I CAN’T SEE.

SUNDAY
PULL OVER THE CAR --

Max takes his foot off the gas,
steers the car onto the shoulder.
SLAMS on the breaks.

DWP Guy rolls off, hits the ground, THUD.
Windshield now cracked. Smeared with blood.

MAX
Jesus fucking CHRIST.

SUNDAY
Don’t just SIT THERE. Go AFTER THEM.

MAX
(turns the wheel)
Alright, alright --
(HITS the gas)
Ball-bust much?

INT. DWP VAN - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Cherry gets back in the passenger seat.
Looks at April, steering the car
through oncoming traffic.

APRIL
I’m gonna burst a fucking blood vessel.
Let’s pull off the freeway.

CHERRY
Yeah, good idea.
(looks in the rear view mirror)
Looks like they’re all gone,
but you never know --

APRIL
(turns the wheel)
Hold onto your labia --

EXT. TEN FREEWAY - ENTRANCE RAMP - CONTINUOUS
The van turns off the road,
approaches the entrance ramp,
but a GIANT TOW TRUCK
is barrelling RIGHT AT THEM.

IN THE VAN

APRIL
Holy SHIT --

She JERKS the wheel --

ON THE RAMP
And the van ROARS down the embankment,
BUMP-BUMPING over the rocks,
shelving and equipment FLYING out the back.

It HITS the bottom with a BANG.
Rolls into --

EXT. WEST LOS ANGLES - CUL-DE-SAC - NIGHT
A shitty, run-down street right next to the freeway.
The cheap seats. The van comes to a stop at the curb.

IN THE VAN
The engine SPUTTERS and dies.
April tries to start it.

It WHEEZES and COUGHS,
but won’t turn over.

APRIL
Just as well.

CHERRY
(looks out the window)
Look. There IS a god --

EXT. SHITTY BUNGALOW - NIGHT
Parked next to a decrepit old house
sits a giant, gleaming brand-new
HARLEY DAVIDSON CHOPPER.

IN THE VAN
April turns to Cherry.
Big smile.

APRIL
'It’s time to ride.'

Leave The Bombing To Us

Happy Tuesday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 31 of NOWHERE GIRLS, the shit hits the fan when Homeland Security agents Cherry Nation and April Street are pursued by the FBI and assassin Irina Kolishnakov in a high-speed down the Hollywood freeway ... going in the wrong direction.


EXT. SANTA MONICA AIRPORT - ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Irina’s Porsche SPEEDS through the entrance.
RACES toward the helicopter.

Right behind her, a phalanx of
FBI VEHICLES ROAR into the airport, sirens WAILING.

INT. DWP VAN - CONTINUOUS
April and Cherry SLAM the door shut.
Go up to the front.

DWP Guy turns around.
Stares at them. Freaking out.

DWP GUY
The cops are here --

CHERRY
Try FBI.

DWP GUY
What have you gotten me INTO?

APRIL
Listen to me. We’re innocent.
We’re government agents who’ve been FRAMED,
and we need your help.

CHERRY
Yeah. And if you help us get out of this,
we’ll make sure you get a medal for bravery.

DWP GUY
A m-medal? Really?

APRIL
Oh, yeah. Forget about it.
(points)
That fence over there.
What’s on the other side of it?

DWP GUY
(looks)
Uh, Bundy.

APRIL
Perfect. We need to go through the fence
and get the fuck out of here, NOW. Got it?

ON THE TARMAC
The FBI vehicles surround the chopper.
Agents JUMP OUT, get behind their SUV’s.
Aim their weapons.

Sunday and Max take cover.
She raises a bullhorn to her lips.

SUNDAY
(electronic)
April Street and Cherry Nation,
THIS IS THE FBI.
Come out of the chopper NOW,
or we’ll SHOOT.

Silence.

SUNDAY (CONT’D)
This is your LAST CHANCE.
Come out NOW with your HANDS UP,
or we will COMMENCE FIRING.

Silence.

MAX
Shred ‘em?

SUNDAY
Like lettuce.

MAX
(to the agents)
FIRE.

The agents OPEN FIRE on the chopper.
SHREDDING it with bullets.
The fuselage is RIDDLED with bullet holes.

OFF TO THE SIDE
Irina sits in her coupe.
Watching the action.

IRINA
Shit, shit, SHIT --

IN THE VAN
They hear the MACHINE GUN FIRE.
April looks at DWP guy.

DWP GUY
Holy SHIT --

APRIL
Move over. I’m driving.

DWP GUY
Oh, no. I can’t let you --

Cherry PISTOL-WHIPS him, CRACK.
He falls over, THUD.

CHERRY
Sorry about that.

They push him into the back.
April gets in the driver’s seat.

Cherry pulls out a pair of UZIS.
Hands one to April.

She starts the engine.
JAMS it into gear --

APRIL
Cleared for take-off.

And HITS THE GAS.

EXT. SANTA MONICA AIRPORT - TARMAC - CONTINUOUS
The DWP van SHOOTS down the runway
with a SQUEAL of rubber.

THE FBI AGENTS
Turn. Look.

SUNDAY
That’s THEM. They’re GETTING AWAY.
AFTER THEM.

MAX
Go, go, go, GO --

They pile into their vehicles and PEEL RUBBER.
Irina’s car SHOOTS ahead of them like a rocket.

THE VAN
HITS the chain-link fence. SMASHES through it.
FLIES across the grass, BUMPS down over the curb.

EXT. BUNDY DRIVE - CONTINUOUS
The van HITS the street with a BANG.
Drives away.

IRINA’S CAR
SHOOTS through the broken fence,
followed by a phalanx of FBI VEHICLES,
Sirens WAILING, lights FLASHING.

IN SUNDAY’S CAR
She turns and looks at Max.

SUNDAY
Who the fuck is THAT?

MAX
Hell if I know. Paparazzi?

IN THE VAN
April STOMPS on the accelerator.
Cherry looks out the window.

CHERRY
They’re right BEHIND US.

APRIL
(sees something)
Aha. Freeway entrance --

CHERRY
That’s an EXIT -- going the WRONG WAY.

APRIL
Better buckle up.
It’s gonna be a BUMPY RIDE --

EXT. FREEWAY EXIT - CONTINUOUS
The van FLIES up the off-ramp.
Mostly deserted at this hour.

A car SWERVES out of the way,
HITS the embankment. CRASH.

IN THE VAN

APRIL
(looks in the mirror)
FUCK. And here comes the cavalry,
right behind us --

IN IRINA’S CAR
She STEPS on the gas,
SWERVES around oncoming traffic.

IRINA
Who do you think you are,
STARSKY AND HUTCH?

IN SUNDAY’S CAR
Max drives, navigates the car
around approaching vehicles.

MAX
Goddammit --

SUNDAY
Careful, WATCH OUT --

IN THE VAN
April navigates the traffic.
Looks at Cherry.

APRIL
What are you waiting for?
START SHOOTING.

CHERRY
But they’re FBI.

APRIL
They want to KILL US.

CHERRY
You gotta point.

She leans out the window.
Raises the Uzi.

CHERRY (CONT’D)
My country tis of thee --

EXT. TEN FREEWAY - NIGHT
Cherry leans out of the van.
FIRES the semi-automatic at
the cluster of FBI SUV’s
as the van SWERVES
through oncoming traffic,
SPRAYING bullet at them.

An SUV gets HIT.
The windshield EXPLODES with a POP.

Glass FLIES in the air.
It CRASHES into an oncoming truck, BANG.

BOOM. The vehicles EXPLODE
in a red-orange FIREBALL.

IRINA’S CAR
Swerves to the shoulder. ROARS ahead.
Catches up to the van.
She sticks an ASSAULT RIFLE out the window.
Starts SHOOTING.

IN THE VAN
April looks. Sees.

APRIL
MOTHERFUCKER --
She drives one-handed.
Points her Uzi out the window.

Starts FIRING at Irina’s car.

AERIAL POV
The cars drive, side by side,
shooting at each other.

Bullets PING off the Porsche.

IN THE VAN
A bullet ZINGS past April’s head.
CRACKS the windshield.

APRIL (CONT’D)
Okay. Now I’m MAD --

Cherry pulls a GRENADE out of her bag.

CHERRY
Don’t worry.
Leave the bombing to us.

AERIAL POV
The SUV’s follow the van,
Irina’s car alongside it.

ANGLE FROM THE SIDE --
Cherry climbs back out the window.
Sits on the ledge. Holds the grenade.
Takes aim. And THROWS it at the Porche.

IN IRINA’S PORCHE
She drives, firing at the van out the window.
The grenade lands on her lap, THWUP.
She looks at it. Opens her mouth.

IRINA
Oh, shi --

And it EXPLODES.

AERIAL POV
The Porche EVAPORATES in a million pieces.
BANG. Metal, debris, flesh, fire and smoke
FLY into the air.

IN THE VAN
April and Cherry high-five. SLAP palms.

CHERRY
Rock and ROLL.

APRIL
(looks in the rear view mirror)
One down, twenty to go.

CHERRY
Spoilsport.
(beat)
Hey. I’ve got an idea.
I’ll open the back doors.
All the shit back there
will fall out on them.

APRIL
That’s positively EVIL. DO IT.

INT. HONEY’S UNDERGROUND LAIR - AT THAT MOMENT
Monsterburg looks up from his workstation.
Stares at Honey, wide-eyed.
She looks at him, scowling.

HONEY
What’s wrong, Monsterburg?

MONSTERBURG
It’s Irina, she --

HONEY
WHAT?

MONSTERBURG
We’ve lost the signal.
I’m afraid she’s -- been terminated.

HONEY
God-DAMMIT. Fucking Russian ROULETTE
shit-for-brains DYKE-hard.
(beat)
What about Rock?
Have you heard from HIM?
MONSTERBURG

Not a peep.
(looks at his monitor)
But according to his key card,
he’s travelling due east,
right toward us.

HONEY
Then he must be following THEM.
(licks her lips)
Ah, I can almost TASTE it --

MONSTERBURG
If you’ll excuse me, Ma’am --
I hope this isn’t out of line,
but it almost seems like
this is a personal thing.

HONEY
You bet your hard drive it’s PERSONAL.

MONSTERBURG
Can I ask what happened?

HONEY
No, you CANNOT.
That’s on a 'need to ho' basis.
Just mind your business
and get back to work.
(eyes him appreciatively)
And when you have a minute.
Come back to my office.
I’d like to show you something.

MONSTERBURG
(hint of a smile)
A little -- show and tell?

HONEY
That’s on a 'need to blow' basis --

What Happens In DC, Stays In DC

Hey there, crime kids. Happy MLK day. I have a dream. Well, more like a nightmare ... because it's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 30 of NOWHERE GIRLS, while Homeland Security agents Cherry Nation and April Street make their escape in a stolen FBI helicopter, assassin Irina Kolishinakov races to the airport to try and take them out as they try land ...


INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - CLINT RUFF’S OFFICE - NIGHT
Clint dials a number. Takes a big sip of scotch. Listens.

CLINT
I’ve delayed them a little bit. Happy?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. HONEY’S UNDERGROUND LAIR - OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Honey sits at her desk. Feet up. Taps her Bluetooth.
Swirls her snifter of brandy.

HONEY
As a fucking clam.

CLINT
You realize how DANGEROUS this is?

HONEY
Darling, it comes with the territory.
(takes a sip)
But you know that.

CLINT
Don’t remind me.

HONEY
And don’t forget --
what happens in DC, stays in DC --

INT. HELICOPTER - MOVING - NIGHT
April drives the chopper.
Cherry looks out the window.

APRIL
We’ve gotta find a place to land, pronto.

CHERRY
But we’ll get to Hollywood faster
if we fly there --

APRIL
Too dangerous. Every government agent
in the STATE is after us,
and this is an FBI chopper.
Sore thumb much?

CHERRY
(sees something, points)
Hey, look, up ahead -- Santa Monica airport.

APRIL
Fucking PERFECT.
(flips switches)
We’ll land there --

CHERRY
You know, after this is over,
I think I’m gonna take a break.
Spend some time with the kids --
(gulps)
That is, if we can --

APRIL
Trust me, sis.
We’re going to GET THEM BACK, okay?
(off her silence)
Okay?

CHERRY
Okay --

APRIL
Now hold on.
I’m a little out of practice
landing one of these --

CHERRY
(stares at her, eyes bugging)
'A little out of practice?'

EXT. FBI SUV - MOVING - NIGHT
Max drives. Sunday talks on her cell.

SUNDAY
You have their position? GOOD JOB.
We’re on our way, roger and OUT.

She CLICKS the phone shut.

SUNDAY (CONT’D)
They’re landing at Santa Monica airport.

MAX
That’s close.
We’ll cut off the perimeter, box ‘em in.
(picks up radio, CLICKS it on)
Attention, all units.
Suspects are landing at Santa Monica airport.
Get your asses over there
and seal off the area IMMEDIATELY.

ANGRY MALE VOICE (O.C.)
(electronic)
Copy that, Cargo. We’re ON OUR WAY --

EXCITED MALE VOICE (O.C.)
We’re SO there, dude.
Let’s catch us some PUSSY.
Snappin’ GYRO. Copy DAT, my MAN. OVER --

Sunday sighs. Looks out the window.

MAX
On behalf of all men everywhere,
I’d like to apologize for that
incredibly insensitive display
of macho bravado.

SUNDAY
What are you talking about?
I say let’s get those fucking CUNTS.

MAX
(smiles)
Yes, SIR.

INT. IRINA’S CAR - MOVING - NIGHT
She drives up the coast like a madwoman,
zipping around traffic. Looks at her GPS.

Punches buttons on the dash.
Looks at the coordinates.
Nods, grim.

IRINA
I’ve got you in web,
said spider to fly --
(beat)
At AIRPORT.

EXT. SANTA MONICA AIRPORT - NIGHT
Deserted at this hour. And dark.
A few AIRPLANES dot the landscape.
A Department of Water and Power van sits idling.

The chopper appears in the sky.

INT. CHOPPER - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
April works the controls.
Squints in the darkness.

APRIL
Must be a power-outage or something.
Hold on.

CHERRY
Be careful.

THE CHOPPER
Descends onto the tarmac.
But it’s coming down TOO FAST.

APRIL
Pulls back on the stick.

APRIL
Whoah, NELLY.

THE CHOPPER
Slows it’s descent, rises a bit,
then PLUMMETS down.

APRIL
YANKS the stick.
The girls get JERKED in their seats.

APRIL (CONT’D)
SHIT.

CHERRY
What the fuck are you DOING?

THE CHOPPER
Stops. Hovers. Then lands slowly.
HITS the tarmac. BANG.

INT. CHOPPER - CONTINUOUS
The girls look at each other. EXHALE.

APRIL
Sorry about that.
Been a couple of years. Bit rusty.

CHERRY
Almost pissed my pants.
(looks out the window)
Check out the van.

APRIL
DWP. Perfect.
(smiles)
Incognito ahoy --

EXT. SANTA MONICA AIRPORT - RUNWAY - CONTINUOUS
The girls RACE OVER to the van.

See a DWP ELECTRICIAN (40’s),
a chubby regular guy,
sitting in the driver’s seat.

He pours coffee from a thermos into a cup.
Looks up at them, startled.

DWP GUY
Evenin.’ Can I help you ladies?

They WHIP out their pistols.

APRIL
Homeland Security.

CHERRY
We’re commandeering your vehicle.

He DROPS the cup on his lap.
Spilling coffee on his pants.

DWP GUY
OW, shit.
(looks at them)
Hey. Wait a minute.
I saw you two on the news.
You’re those TERRORISTS
who crashed THE WHITE HOUSE.

Cherry and April CLICK their safeties.

APRIL
We were FRAMED, asshole --

CHERRY
Step OUT OF THE VEHICLE, NOW.

DWP GUY
Okay, okay.
Don’t shoot, don’t shoot.

APRIL
Wait a minute.
Wouldn’t it better if HE drove?

CHERRY
Yeah. Great idea.

APRIL
(to DWP Guy)
Open the back door and let us in.

DWP GUY
Okay, okay. Just don’t shoot.
(mumbles, to himself)
Maybe I can get some overtime for this --

Black Hawk Up

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking FRIDAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 29 of NOWHERE GIRLS, black ops spook Rock Vargas rescues Homeland Security agents Cherry Nation and April Street from the shopping mall clusterfuck in a helicopter, narrowly missing being captured by the FBI. Meanwhile, FBI director Clint Ruff chews out agent Sunday Sparks for fucking up the mission ...


INT. SHOPPING MALL - BASEMENT - NIGHT
Huge Commando leads a squad of men
up the wall at lightening speed.
Boots CLANK-CLANK-CLANK on the steel rungs.

EXT. SHOPPING MALL - ROOF
April and Cherry watch the chopper fly toward them.
It lands, rotors WHIRRING. They RACE over, get in.

IN THE CHOPPER
April and Cherry slide
onto the seat next to Rock.

ROCK
You really ARE twins --

APRIL
C’mon, let’s go.
We’ll exchange pleasantries later.

CHERRY
(to April)
He’s kinda cute,
in a Eurotrash kinda way.

ROCK
(sees something)
Oh, SHIT --

ON THE ROOF
Commandos start running toward them.
They start FIRING.

IN THE CHOPPER
Rock hands Cherry the Uzi.
Starts flipping switches.

ROCK (CONT’D)
Not bad yourself, hot stuff.
Now SHRED the fuckers.

Cherry takes aim, starts FIRING.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.

THE COMMANDOS
Get HIT. Two go down.
Three more keep CHARGING.

THE HELICOPTER
Rises up. Bullets PING-PING-PING
off the fuselage.

Rock gets HIT in the stomach. OOF.

ROCK (CONT’D)
OW.

CHERRY
Shit, he’s been HIT.

APRIL
Are you OKAY?

He looks down at the
growing red stain on his shirt.

ROCK
I don’t -- think so.

APRIL
Let me take the controls.

ROCK
You know how to -- uhn --
fly one of these?

APRIL
Yeah. Scoot over.

Rock moves to the side.
pril slides in.
Takes the controls.

CHERRY
Don’t worry.
We’ll take you to a hospital.

ROCK
Shhh. Listen to me.
Honey’s base of operations are -- uh --
underneath Mann’s Chinese Theater -- in Hollywood.
It’s built like Fort Knox, but --

He pulls a key card out of his pocket.
Hands it to April.

ROCK (CONT’D)
You can use --
(gasps)
This to get in.

CHERRY
Do you know where my KIDS are?

ROCK
Yeah, they’re okay -- uh -- they’re --

He slumps over. Lights out.

CHERRY
SHIT.

APRIL
It’s gonna be okay.
We’re gonna GET this Honey Almond,
and THEN we’re gonna get your kids, okay?

CHERRY
Okay --
(looks at Rock)
It’s like I’m fucking cursed.
Meet a cute guy, then he’s dead.

APRIL
Well, we DO have the satisfaction
of serving our country, right?
Isn’t that something?

CHERRY
Yeah, but I’d love to have
something to keep me warm at night
besides the FLAG.

EXT. NEARBY STREET - NIGHT
Irina stands next to her car
by the side of the road.

Raises a BIG, BLACK PISTOL.
Takes aim. SHOOTS into the sky.

EXT. HELICOPTER - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
A small dart WHACKS against
the underside of the carriage.

CLOSE ON --
The dart. A small, silver cylinder
with a red light BLINKING.

IRINA
Looks at a hand-held device
in her palm. Smiles, evil.

IRINA
Reach out and track someone, girlies.

EXT. SHOPPING MALL ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Sunday and Max JUMP into their vehicle.
SLAM the doors.

INT. FBI SUV - CONTINUOUS
Max GUNS the engine.
ROARS out of the parking lot.

SUNDAY
God-fucking-DAMMIT.
(into her cell)
Sir? It’s Sparks.
They’re travelling north in a chopper --

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. LOS ANGELES FBI HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
The LA branch office. A bee hive of activity.
Dozens of AGENTS man workstations, collect data.
Watch monitors.

Sitting in a corner office
is FBI DIRECTOR CLINT RUFF (60’s).

Tall, wizened, tough as nails.
Right now he’s sipping a cup of coffee,
talking on the phone --

CLINT
How the hell did you
FUCK THIS UP?
You HAD them in the
palm of your fucking HANDS.

SUNDAY
I’m sorry, sir.
We’re going to get them,
don’t worry --

CLINT
DON’T WORRY?
Do you realize I had to
fly out here to BABY-SIT you?
That the White House is
so far up my ass
we’ve chosen a BRIDAL REGISTRY?

He reaches over.
Picks up a bottle of bourbon.

Pours a hit in his mug.
Takes a big gulp.

SUNDAY
I’m sorry, sir.
We almost HAD THEM,
but this black op
commandeered our chopper --

CLINT
I KNOW that, you stupid BITCH.
I’ve seen the FOOTAGE on the SATELLITE.

Pause.

SUNDAY
Oh. Right --

CLINT
Now get your asses
in gear and GET them, GOT IT?

SUNDAY
Got it.
(beat)
Uh -- can we get another chopper?

CLINT
Being refueled.
On it’s way in ten minutes.
(beat)
And if you fuck this up, Sparks,
I’ll have your ASS,
despite the fact that
you’re a fucking DYKE.
Comprende?

SUNDAY
Yes, sir. Consider it done. Goodbye.

INT. FBI SUV - MOVING - NIGHT
She clicks the phone shut.
Sighs. Looks at Max. Eyes teary.

MAX
Hey. Are you okay?

SUNDAY
Yeah, I --
(beat)
Sorry. I -- so unprofessional --

MAX
Look. You’re a fucking AMAZING op.
So am I. And together
we’re gonna get them, OKAY?

SUNDAY
Okay --

MAX
And for what’s worth,
I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole.
My wife left me last month,
and I’ve been kinda fucked up ever since.
(mumbles)
You don’t wanna KNOW
how long it’s been
since I’ve got laid --

SUNDAY
You and me both --

MAX
You’re not such a tough nut after all.

SUNDAY
(smiles)
Tell anyone, and I’ll fucking kill you.

Be All You Can Be

Happy Thursday, crime slicksters. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where the girls are hot, the drinks are cold, and the hardboiled-pulp-noir action is non-stop, right here, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 28 of NOWHERE GIRLS, the shit hits the fan when Honey Almond's assassin Irina Kolishnikov arrives at the shopping mall to take out agents Cherry Nation and April Street ... just as runaway spy Rock Vargas arrives to rescue them ...


EXT. FREEWAY - NIGHT
A sleek, vintage PORSCHE CONVERTIBLE
speeds down the thoroughfare
at a hundred miles per hour.

WHIZZING through traffic.
It CLIPS an old Volvo on it’s side front bumper.

The car WHIRLS to the side, starts SPINNING,
CRASHES into the embankment.
Other cars HONKS. SWERVE.

INT. VINTAGE PORCHE - MOVING - CONTINUOUS
Irina CHUGS a can of Red Bull.
TOSSES it in the back seat.

IN THE REAR
We see a mountain of empty cans.

BEHIND THE WHEEL
She stares straight ahead.
A robot. On a mission.

EXT. FREEWAY EXIT - CONTINUOUS
The Porsche turns, ROARS down the exit ramp.

IN THE CAR
Irina touches her Bluetooth. Listens.

IRINA
(robotic)
Black Hummer, H-Three. Check.
(listens)
Terminate with prejudice --

EXT. SHOPPING MALL ROOF - AT THAT MOMENT
An air vent OPENS. Cherry and April climb out.
Stand on the roof. Look down at all
cops, SWAT, media.

CHERRY
It’s a three-ring circus down there.

APRIL
Let’s hope this Rock character
has his shit together.

DOWN BELOW
Rock’s Hummer ROARS into the mall parking lot.
RACES over to a black FBI helicopter
parked away from the commotion.

ON THE ROOF
April points at the Hummer.

APRIL
That’s HIM --

EXT. SHOPPING MALL PARKING LOT - AT THAT MOMENT
Rock RACES over the helicopter.
Flashes his ID, starts climbing the rungs to get in.

ROCK
Secret Service.

The BITCHY HELICOPTER PILOT
looks at the ID, then at him.

BITCHY HELICOPTER PILOT
You don’t look like Secret Service --

Rock climbs in. Sits next to him.
Pulls out a SIG-Sauer.
Aims it at Bitchy’s head.

ROCK
April fools. Now take this fucker
up to the roof, NOW.

BITCHY HELICOPTER PILOT
Fuck you. This is a Federal aircraft.
You can’t --

Rock PISTOL-WHIPS him, CRACK.
He slumps over, out cold.

He pushes him out of the cabin.
Slides into his seat.

Grabs the controls. The engine ROARS.
The rotors start slowly SPINNING.

IRINA’S CAR
Car pulls up the Hummer

IN THE CAR
Irina sees it’s empty.
She looks out the window at --

THE HELICOPTER
About to take off.

IRINA
Reaches behind her.
Pulls out a ROCKET LAUNCHER.

UP ON THE ROOF
April and Cherry watch.

CHERRY
He commandeered the chopper --

APRIL
Deus ex machina, anyone?

IN THE HELICOPTER
Rock starts FLIPPING switches.

ROCK
C’mon, c’mon --

NEARBY
A group of commandos look.
See Bitchy on the ground.

NASTY COMMANDO
Someone’s jacking the CHOPPER.

They start RACING toward it.

THE HELICOPTER
Slowly rises up.
Rock FLIPS more switches.

ROCK
C’mon, GO, GO --

THE COMMANDOS
Get nearer. Start FIRING at him.
BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.

Rock grabs an Uzi off the seat,
SPRAYS them with bullets.
RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-
TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT.

They get SHREDDED TO RIBBONS.

ROCK
JAMS the gearshift,
and the chopper TAKES OFF.

IRINA
Raises the rocket launcher.
Takes aim --

An IRATE SWAT COMMANDO appears out of nowhere.
GRABS the launcher out of her hands.
JAMS a gun against her head.

IRATE SWAT COMMANDO
Don’t MOVE, LITTLE GIRL.

She SUCKER-PUNCHES him in the face.
GRABS the gun.

IRINA
Get the FUCK out of my face,
LITTLE BOY.

Commando comes back at her.
She PISTOL-WHIPS him in the face.
He goes down, CRACK.

Irina gets out of the car.
Picks up the launcher.
Aims it at the helicopter.

She gets TACKLED FROM BEHIND
by an ASIAN FBI AGENT.

She HITS the ground.
The weapon SKITTERS under her car.

Irina FLINGS his arms off her.
KICKS him in the stomach, OOF.

He FLIES backwards. WHUMP.
Head hits the pavement, CRACK.

A GROUP OF AGENTS
Nearby see her. Point. Start YELLING.

POCK-MARKED FBI AGENT
AGENT DOWN. STOP HER.

They start RUNNING toward her.
Irina reaches under the car.

Grabs the weapon. JUMPS in.
Drives away in a SQUEAL of rubber,
the agents following her on foot.

EXT. SHOPPING MALL ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Sunday listens on her walkie.
Looks at Max. Turns white.

SUNDAY
WHAT did you say?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. SHOPPING MALL BASEMENT - NIGHT
Huge Commando holds his walkie, looks at Bunky,
scratching at the ladder rungs
that Cherry and April climbed earlier.

HUGE COMMANDO
I said They’re back up on the FUCKING ROOF.

SUNDAY
Well, then GET UP THERE. NOW.

HUGE COMMANDO
Jesus Christ, I was just giving you an update --

SUNDAY
GO, NOW, GO.

She clicks off the walkie.
Shakes her head with disgust.

SUNDAY (CONT’D)
Stupid fucking shit for brains.
(looks at Max)
Instead of chasing them,
he stopped to fucking CALL me.

MAX
Maybe he was trying to
‘be all he could be.’

Sunday does a take.
The barest hint of a smile.

SUNDAY
That was actually pretty funny.

MAX
I have my moments --

Pussy Hound

Hey there, crime kids. Happy fucking HUMP DAY. It's time once again to take a trip to the dark side, where your most violent fantasies become sins of the flesh, right here, where the hardboiled action is non-stop, at the coolest crime joint in cyberspace ... at That Killing Feeling.

In Chapter 27 of NOWHERE GIRLS, we meet evil criminal mastermind Honey Almond's latest assassin, Irina Kolishnikov, who has been dispatched to take out Homeland Security agents Cherry Nation and April Street. Meanwhile, Honey's former cover op Rock Vargas has defected, and is now racing over to save Cherry and April, who are trapped in the shopping center basement ...


EXT. BEVERLY HILLS GYM - NIGHT
A tony, overpriced workout boutique on Rodeo Drive.
Lights blazing, even at this late hour.

INT. BEVERLY HILLS GYM - CONTINUOUS
Empty, except for IRINA and her client,
a slick, puffy, asshole AGENT (30’s)
wearing designer workout threads.

Right now he’s on the floor on his back,
being stretched out by Irina.
He GROANS as she slowly pushes his leg up.

ASSHOLE AGENT
Irina, baby. You’re killing me --

His BlackBerry ERUPTS
with a shitty pop music ring tone.

RING TONE
Gotta go boom, gotta go boom, boom, boom -

ASSHOLE AGENT
Hold on. I gotta get that.
(reaches over, grabs it)
This is Hassig.
(listens)
Well, you tell that fucking CUNT
we’re not paying a fucking CENT
over three-hundred grand, GOT IT?

Irina watches. Amused. Puts his leg down.

HASSIG
In your ASS. She’s SHARING a double-banger
with Little Miss Oscar Contender, GOT IT?

She BLINKS. Grabs her neck. Rubs it.
Her eyes glaze over. Cocks her head.
Looks at Hassig.

HASSIG
Like I could give a FLYING FUCK.
If she doesn’t show up on set tomorrow morning,
we’ll fucking sue her liposuctioned ASS, GOT IT?

IRINA
(monotone)
I have to go now.

She turns and walks toward the door.

HASSIG
(sees her)
HEY. Where the fuck do you think YOU’RE going?
We still have FIVE MINUTES.

Irina puts her hand on the knob.
Turns and looks.

IRINA
(robotic)
Go fuck yourself, you sack of shit.
I have work to do.

And she’s gone. The door SLAMS shut.

HASSIG
(into the phone)
I don’t fucking BELIEVE it.
My trainer just BAILED on me.
(listens)
Oh yeah? Well, fuck you, TOO.
And your faggot-ass LAW FIRM.
Case dismissed.

He FLINGS his phone against the wall, CRACK.

HASSIG (CONT’D)
Asshole --

INT. SHOPPING MALL - BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS
Cherry and April climb the steel rungs in the wall.
April talks on her hands-free cell phone.

APRIL
We’ll be on the roof in a couple minutes.
How close are you?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. ROCK’S HUMMER - MOVING - NIGHT
Rock drives, smokes a Gitanes, talks on his cell.
He’s now wearing a black suit, shades and an earpiece.

ROCK
I’m just around the corner.

APRIL
What’s your plan?

ROCK
I had a better idea.
I’m going in as Secret Service,
on orders from the White House.

APRIL
How you are going to pull THAT off?

ROCK
Piece of cake. That was my last job --
(shakes his head)
But after seven years of protecting a chimp,
I had to bail.
(beat)
Biggest mistake of my life.
This feels right.

APRIL
Well, if you can pull this off,
I’ll personally make sure you get a deal,
maybe even come work with us.

ROCK
Works for me. I’m on my way.
I’m in a black Hummer. Over.

APRIL
Roger that. Over.

She SNAPS her cell shut.
Looks at Cherry.

APRIL (CONT’D)
I think this guy’s okay.
(off her look)
He called Bush a chimp --

INT. SHOPPING MALL BASEMENT - UNDERGROUND CORRIDOR - NIGHT
A four-man squadron of COMMANDOS in riot gear
work their way down the same corridor
we saw Cherry and April in earlier.
They get to a intersection of two tunnels. Stop.

One of them has an BIG, BLACK ATTACK DOG.
He JERKS the leash.

TALL COMMANDO
Which way, boy?

The dog SNIFFS, GROWLS, JERKS him to the left.

HUGE COMMANDO
He can really smell their scent?

TALL COMMANDO
Yeah. Got him from Clinton’s staff.
He can sniff out a filly from a half-mile away.

HUGE COMMANDO
Nice.

Tall Commando’s walkie talkie CHIRP.
He answers it.

INTERCUT WITH:

EXT. SHOPPING MALL - NIGHT
Sunday huddles with Max by
the front entrance to the mall.

SUNDAY
Status report?

HUGE COMMANDO
We’re getting close, chief.
We’ve covered the whole joint
except the basement, where we are now.
Bunky’s got their scent.

SUNDAY
Who the FUCK is Bunky?

HUGE COMMANDO
Tracer dog, Ma’am.

SUNDAY
Oh, right -- the Clinton thing.
Pussy hound. Carry on.
Keep me posted. Over.

HUGE COMMANDO
Roger that.

They hang up.

MAX
What’s 'the Clinton thing?'

HUGE COMMANDO
Sorry. That’s on a
‘need to sniff’ basis only.